authentic, body image, intimacy, passion, sex, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
How to Get an A+ in Foreplay
Oct
My husband is the type who rarely wears cologne, but there is one in particular that… well… really turns me on.
He usually puts it on right before we go to a wedding.
Or to church.
Such a tormentor that guy is. Making me wait like that.
Ahhh… the allure of foreplay.
Foreplay possibilities are endless… and, in many ways, uniquely understood between a husband and wife. What constitutes foreplay for one couple may more than miss the mark for another couple.
That’s why it’s good to follow the adage, “Be a student for life and never stop learning.” This definitely applies to foreplay.
So listen up class. Here are some suggestions on how to get an A+ in foreplay:
Attitude.
Are you gracious and receptive to your spouse’s advances? Do the two of you mutually foster an attitude of playfulness, tenderness and desire — as much with your clothes on as you do with your clothes off?
Anticipation.
Do you think foreplay is just what happens in the 15 minutes before intercourse? Time to broaden your perspective.
Foreplay is also about building an eagerness hours or even days before sex actually takes place. A love note can be foreplay, as can a touch or a kiss or a look or a tone of voice or certain words.
Here are three reasons I love public displays of affection.
Some couples get really clever with the ways they text. My suggestion is don’t be explicit and don’t send photos, but there’s nothing wrong with code expressions that have a shared meaning.
At any rate, get good at building the kind of anticipation that is comparable to that feeling of the roller-coaster going up the really steep incline… you know the thrill that’s coming!
Atmosphere.
Nothing robs a couple of sexual opportunity more than a distracting or volatile atmosphere.
Some would say atmosphere is just about romantic candlelight or nice music playing in the background to “set the mood,” but let’s be real… for most couples, those atmospheric attributes can be hard to coordinate on a super regular basis.
Having the house picked up or the kids in bed early or fresh sheets on the bed are just a few examples of making sure the atmosphere is favorable for a little sexual activity.
What are you doing to set the atmosphere to make sex a desired activity in your marriage?
Action.
Do something. Your spouse cannot read your mind. I’m not saying that being subtle in expressing your desires isn’t sexy, because oftentimes it is. But you can’t be so subtle or lackadaisical that your spouse totally misses your intention.
And if foreplay seems way outside your comfort zone — especially extended foreplay long before you actually have sex — then take a risk and simply try something.
Give him a long passionate kiss before he leaves for work.
Place your hand on his inner thigh as you are together in the car driving somewhere.
Trace his fingers with the tip of your finger as you’re sitting in a waiting room (or sitting in church).
Do something.
Announcement.
Have you told your husband what turns you on? Have you asked him what gets him in the mood for sex? Educate each other on the foreplay you each like best.
When people ask me what is the secret to deep authentic sexual intimacy, I always emphasize that clear and compassionate communication is vital.
Don’t assume you will know each other’s bodies with any kind of lasting depth if you aren’t willing to talk about your intimacy and what it is that you each like.
Arousal.
I know this should go without saying, but it’s not foreplay if there isn’t a fair amount of arousal happening on both sides. That’s at least gotta be the direction you both are moving.
It’s not always at the same pace, but are you at least catching each other’s signals? And remember that if you are doing something that you think is foreplay but your spouse clearly doesn’t, then that’s a quick way to get a “D.” And no sex.
Arrival.
The whole purpose of foreplay is that it would lead to sex actually happening. I realize that sometimes the best laid plans hit roadblocks and detours, but for the most part, no one’s going to get an A+ in foreplay that never goes anywhere.
That was kind of the message behind my post Don’t Tease Unless You Will Follow Through.
So there you have it… some encouragement on boosting your sexual GPA and getting an A+ in foreplay.
But I’m not done! I want to hear from all of you.
Without being too explicit, what specific foreplay ideas can you share?
We want to encourage one another in our marriages and I’m sure you have some super great foreplay ideas!
Other posts worth considering on this foreplay topic…
- How to Turn on Your Husband
- Does Your Husband Want the Girlfriend Treatment? Will You Give It To Him?
- 3 Reasons You Should Pursue Your Husband Sexually
- Pursue Me Sexually, Dear Husband
- Three Reasons to Let Your Husband Undress You
Here’s to happy and hot foreplay!
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Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
Never want to miss one of my posts? Subscribe via email on this page. And be sure to join my more than 9,000 followers on my Facebook page and 10,000 followers on Twitter.
Let your body do the talking.
I don’t recall exactly what my husband was doing other than standing with his hands busy, maybe he was cooking. I was close by at one point and was feeling frisky and intentionally. So, I leaned into my husband so that he felt my breast agains his arm. We have children around, but I doubt they noticed. I asked him later that night I asked if he noticed. He laughed and said, “Yeah…” with a how could I not in his voice.
Loved this reminder about foreplay. I always like long kisses from my husband; something that simple, always does the trick. We are very good at the other things you suggested, I think it is true that when you do the little affectionate things throughout the day, it is so much easier for the big event! Thanks for the chance on the giveaway!
Texting (sexting) is a fun thing for my wife and I. We are conscious of keeping our private messages private. Our messages can sometimes get pretty explicit but we also quite enjoy double entendre.
My preferred MO is to leave for work with a long kiss and a gentle caress, followed later in the day with increasingly desirous messages. This is not manipulation because my longing is genuinely increasing each minute I get closer to coming home. We often plan our evening during the day. I find this method brings in all your “A” categories.
Other times, weekends mostly, we sneak away from the kids’ sight for a quick make-out session, building the anticipation until they go to bed that evening.
My wife is hot and wonderful. Thank you for your blog – it makes me appreciate her even more.
Fantastic reminder! Foreplay is extremely important in a marriage, but often forgotten!
Great post! This is an area that needs work! With the newest addition to our home, it’s been hard to find alone time for sex. So foreplay is definitely getting ramped up bc I miss that!
I loved this! Great post! My husband and I enjoy the “foreplay” aspect of our sex lives very much in our marriage, and if we skip right to “the deed” then we usually miss out on the beautiful intimacy of foreplay that nurtures us both emotionally and spiritually in addition to physically.
I think the announcement is a big one. Communication is so dead in a lot of marriages, especially around sex. How can you be expected to turn on your spouse if they won’t tell you what they like? This goes both ways, though for most men, it can be summed up in two words: get naked
Foreplay…what an important part of the entire “event”! I love to do long lingering kisses for my dear hubby…what a way to get him simmering!
I walk out into the living room (after kids are in bed) with only a tshirt and panties on. He loves it!
We used to always light candles in the bedroom when either of us were ‘in the mood’. With children that’s kind of gone to the wayside, but we do communicate if we are ‘in the mood or not’ by just talking now!
Thank you!! One thing my husband will do is come up from behind me while I’m cooking or washing dishes and hug me, put his arms around me or just kiss my neck.
I like fondling his fingers while he’s driving and I’m in the passengers seat. Gets me excited!!
Every work day I send my husband something that reminds him he is loved but since he is an acts of service guy nothing gets him going as much as Atmosphere. I used to tease that if I came to bed smelling like Pine Sol he would be ready instantly and that is not far from the truth. Nothing says…”Let’s Go” quite as loudly as a tidy house and some pampering/care taking. Of course wearing his old football jersey and lounging across the bed doesn’t hurt either. 🙂
I know my husband likes a good look at the backside once in awhile….soooo I make sure I bend over in front of him. Very sublety if the kids are around or more suggestive if we are alone. He loves it and it makes me feel sexy!
Thanks for the great post. We have been married 29 years and it is great to have a reminder once in a while to spice things up.
Wonderful article and advice. I know we as women just need to get our mindset right sometimes, like trying to get entirely unrelated thoughts or concerns in our life out of our minds. Prayer helps (so does alcohol…but we have to be careful with that one 🙂
I just had to comment on the cologne thing. I feel the same way about scents and men’s cologne. Unfortunately my husband doesn’t seem to want to wear any ever…but I bet if I suggested it in anticipation of being together then he would be happy to oblige! 😉 Thank you for the opportunity to win the book. And thanks Julie for all your godly advice!
Hubby loves a good massage! I think every person has an area of their body that really calms them down (ex back of neck etc) so explore and find that area!!
Go out of your way to be engaged with him in something he enjoys, but you really don’t. Ex: watch a football game with him if he’s really into that. Show him you’re interested in the things he likes.
This:
“That was kind of the message behind my post Don’t Tease Unless You Will Follow Through.”
LS
Sneaking something into the dinner conversation around the little kiddos that includes an implication of the some words that mean “turned on” will catch my husband’s attention.
Exclusively for when we’re home alone, the two of us.
Two words: no panties!
Iintimate foreplay, lasting relationships? A Jedi does not crave such things.
i enjoy being playful when my man least expects it..like when he does repairs (like on the car or sink ) by getting behind or over him and unbuckle, unbutton, unzip and caress We both get turned on with this foreplay..
i love this blog.it has educated me and i will direct my friends to it. i am one of the campainers of good and godly marriage.
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So, please help me to understand – what is a man to do when any public or even private display of affection is brushed off as though it was something disgusting? Often I am criticized for not kissing enough, but when I try to give a deep, passionate kiss (anything beyond lip-to-lip, sister-brother kiss), I get a “yuck”, and a push away. If I pursue foreplay, much of anything beyond holding hands is rebuffed. If I touch her skin, trace my fingers over wht should be sensitive areas, she grabs my hands and tells me “hold still”. If I attempt to get her to touch me, she pulls away like stricken with an electric shock.
I so long for a hug, a touch, a response (other than stop that!). Where do I go from here? Haven’t had any sexual activity in our bedroom in over a year, and the year before that, it was only once or twice (“and hurry up and finish, will you, I’m not enjoying this”).
It is as though my touch were disgusting to her.
And she occasionally does the “tease”, where she touches me, but any response from me is quckly rebuffed.
I have been reading articles but have yet to see any examples as to what they are in reference to.
How can someone totally ignorant of making love learn the things they should be doing? It may be the strongest desire to please one’s mate but without the know-how, it is not possible. Variety in the bedroom is significant, I believe. But, where are the ideas? Some of us need to know the exact moves, touches, and so forth to give their husband what their heart desires to do when they are truly in love wth them.
Judy,
You have touched on an important point (no pun intended) when you ask “How can someone totally ignorant of making love learn the things they should be doing?” It took me, as an example, almost 30 years of my adult married life to learn how to be a good lover to my wife. Sad huh? So your question is very important.
Julie,
I know that there are probably some good (with some specific useful detail) Christian resources out there on lovemaking. Can you recommend some?
Thanks…
@Michael… thank you for your comment! I will try to come up with a list of resources (or possibly write some specific ideas myself?!) There are quite a few Christian blogs and books on sex in marriage, and some do contain more specifics than others.
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I think the word ‘foreplay’ should be banished. What exactly is foreplay? It’s sex. It’s all sex. This word implies that penis in vagina intercourse is the real thing and this ‘foreplay’ business is just the second best introduction to it. Some couples are unable to have penetrative sex and ‘foreplay’ is just…what they do.
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