Occasionally I receive comments from engaged women who have never had sex and are
anxious freaked out about a penis in their vagina.
They wonder if there is any way that can happen comfortably, let alone enjoyably.
If you are engaged or newly-married and you are wondering the same thing, here are 10 sex tips I would offer:
1. Understand anatomy.
The vagina and penis are designed to go together regardless of size, and the vast majority of married couples find their bodies do adapt to each other in such a way that sex is comfortable and enjoyable. This is especially true as a couple learns to arouse each other, find comfortable positions, and address any reasons for sex becoming painful.
2. Get a complete gynecological exam.
If you haven’t already, visit a doctor for a full gynecological exam before your wedding. Express to the doctor your apprehension about sex being painful. A doctor will be able to assess during a pelvic exam if he/she finds any anatomical reasons that could make sex uncomfortable or painful.
3. Read a good Christian sexual resource with your fiance/spouse.
There are so many Christian books/websites available that give specific information on everything from getting ready for the wedding night to how to make sex more comfortable to what to do if sex is awkward and painful. I recommend my book Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage, but there are other resources as well.
4. Discuss sexual intimacy openly as a couple.
Be transparent about any concerns you have and then resolve that you will work closely together if any difficulties arise. Along these same lines, resolve that within your marriage, you and your husband will communicate specifically about what you each find sexually arousing.
The more you understand how to arouse each other within the exclusivity and love and safety of your relationship, the less likely there will be pain during intercourse. Feeling safe and cherished within the marriage bed helps us relax and become more confident and enthusiastic about sex.
5. Value foreplay.
While a lot goes into mutually enjoyable sex, I would say two key ingredients are an erect penis and a moist vagina! The good news is that foreplay is the ticket to both of these! Duh, right? Sadly, too many couples downplay foreplay or don’t express what they each like during foreplay.
Guys, your wife is likely going to need more foreplay than you. Gals, the husbands I hear from say they desire being touched other places than just their penis. Be intentional about foreplay. Become students of each other’s bodies!
The more you take time to turn each other on, the more likely it is the vagina will secrete natural moisture. This makes it easier for you as a wife to then receive your husband’s penis comfortably and enjoyably. Here is a great post on How to Get an A+ in Foreplay! A must read.
6. Find a good lubricant.
Sometimes, particularly for women who have never had sex, a good sexual lubricant can help reduce friction during intercourse if the vagina’s natural lubrication isn’t quite enough. A quality lubricant is money well spent!
There are GREAT lubricants available! The days of being able to rely only on KY Jelly are gone, as many other quality sexual lubricants have hit the market. Check out my review of lubricants at this link and this link.
7. Set realistic expectations.
You’re new to this sex thing! You don’t have to have everything figured out in the first week or month. Contrary to what popular culture would tell us, the best sex in a marriage usually isn’t in the first year.
The best sex happens when a husband and wife really become comfortable in their own skin, are intentional about learning each other’s bodies, and are willing to nurture their intimacy in all seasons of life. Become passionate not just about sex, but about the journey to great sex!
8. Communicate what’s working and what isn’t.
YES, I am mentioning communication again, because it is so important! Be humble and patient with each other and listen to each other. If you need your husband to slow down a bit, tell him. Don’t assume he will know.
Reading each other’s minds or keeping quiet simply to protect each other’s egos is not a good strategy for profound sexual connection. Get good about communicating not only during sex, but also outside the bedroom as well. Have a heart and tone that is all about strengthening the sexual connection between the two of you.
Sure, it may feel awkward at first communicating about such a sensitive topic, but that’s in part because we don’t get a lot of practice talking about sex. But fostering this kind of communication within the safety and exclusivity of your relationship is vital to great sex!!
9. If pain persists despite all of the above, seek medical insight.
There are legitimate medical conditions, such as vaginismus, that can cause sex to be painful. These cases are rare, but certainly not unheard of. And there are doctors who are experienced in treating these conditions. If you visit one doctor who doesn’t take your concerns seriously, get a second or third opinion.
Sheila Gregoire did a FABULOUS series on vaginismus. You can find a list of those posts at this link.
10. Don’t give up.
If painful sex has caused heartache and struggle in your marriage, I don’t in any way want to minimize how challenging this can be. But I encourage you to not give up and to not shut down. When we head into the covenant of marriage, we are acknowledging that the road up ahead may be filled with its fair share of challenges. For some couples, it might be painful sex.
In face of those challenges, resolve to not let it distance you from each other. Keep pouring into your relationship, keep searching for solutions that will make intercourse possible, keep sexually connecting in other ways that don’t include intercourse.
Your marriage is worth it!
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Copyright 2017, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.