Don’t Tease. Unless You Will Follow Through.

Here’s the deal ladies… men don’t like to be teased sexually.

It may seem like lighthearted fun to you, but if you are arousing your husband sexually — and aren’t willing to follow through — this is annoying him.

Maybe even frustrating him.  Possibly even compelling him to question how much you truly desire him.

I don’t know your husband, so obviously I could be wrong.  But I’m guessing I’m right.

Ask 100 men if they find it “fun” when their wives tease them sexually without any legitimate intention to really have sex, and I would be willing to bet all or nearly all of them will answer with a definitive “no” — they do not find this humorous at all.  (Don’t take my word for it, though.  Ask your husband for his opinion on this).

Now, on the other hand, if you are playfully teasing him sexually and you both consider this some of the best foreplay, then by all means — tease to your heart’s delight!  Just make sure you are being authentic.

There’s nothing better than expression of genuine desire for the lover you married.    Be a tease — one who is 100% serious about following through on her playful suggestions.

Copyright 2010, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

Never want to miss one of my posts?  Subscribe via email on this page.  And be sure to join my more than 9,000 followers on my Facebook page and 10,000 followers on Twitter.

Want more from Julie?

Unlock videos and conversation starters she shares exclusively on

Learn More

50 thoughts on “Don’t Tease. Unless You Will Follow Through.

  1. Paul Byerly says:

    Julie,

    Great tip! Teasing is great as foreplay, but if there is no follow through it’s very frustrating, and it makes us feel abused. If it happens often, it looks like a deliberate attempt to hurt us.

    BTW, I know some women tease with every intention of following through, but then “something comes up”. You can get a pass on that about one time in twenty.

    Paul

  2. admin says:

    Thanks Paul! Thank you especially for the additional insight that teasing can even leave soemone feeling abused and hurt. So true. Also, I think I will do an additional blog as a follow-up regarding your point that some wives tease with the intention of following through, but “something comes up” and they don’t follow through.

  3. Scott says:

    I love to be teased, but only if there is intent to follow through. Use playful texts, notes, comments and touches to tease, but only if you mean to stoke the fires of passion toward an intimate end.

    I have a related question: does teasing do anything for most women, whether you are on the giving or receving end.

  4. JulieSibert says:

    Thanks for the comment Scott! You echo what I think most husbands would say… “don’t tease unless you are going to follow it up with some action!” As for your related question, I am not sure what most women would say about teasing (giving or receiving). Great question though. I think the healthier a couple’s sexual intimacy is, the more they understand what turns each other on. This is why communication is the hottest aphrodisiac…a husband and wife need to ask each other what each finds arousing. Arousal is so unique…what turns one person on wouldn’t do a thing for someone else. You’ve got me thinking… I do think I’ll ask the women I know what they think about teasing! Thanks again! I appreciate it…

  5. Pingback: Intimacy in Marriage » Blog Archive » Why the Hungry Hippo Box Reminds Me About Sex

  6. landschooner says:

    One day, I think it was last year, my wife opened up the shower door and gave me a sexually suggestive “look-over” up and down. She was being sexually “playful”. I gave her a weak smile and closed the shower door. I think she thinks she was being fun and “sexy” which is what I’ve been wanting right? the thing is, I knew for a FACT, that actual sex was nowhere on her radar. Could be weeks before she’d actually consent to having sex with me. Yes, she was trying to do “something” and I mentally give her that, but the experience of it was very painful. You see, she COULD have done more than look. There was nothing preventing it. If I had initiated at that point, I KNOW I would have been turned down, with a smile, (she likes that I desire her) but turned down nonetheless. Her well intentioned “tease” was experienced as a sexual taunt. I’m trying to encourage my wife to be more sexual, so how can I criticize even the smallest of effort? I can’t. It wouldn’t mean that she’d tease and then follow through, it would mean that she wouldn’t tease at all AND she’d rebuff or refrain even longer. On my drive in to work I just prayed and wept.

    so, yeah, if you tease, please follow through. I know it isn’t meant to be mean, but it is experienced as cruelty if you don’t.

    LS

  7. JulieSibert says:

    Thank you LS for the honest comment. I think you speak so genuinely about the pain that results from a sexual taunt…and the fact that many men will not reveal publicly or even to their wives how deep this pain is. No doubt you are not the only man who has wept about this. Possibly there is a compassionate way to share with your wife in an honest respectful tone at a later moment that her “look over” is painful when it does not lead to sexual intimacy. Even if sex doesn’t happen in that moment, it is reasonable to expect that a “look over” means sex is on the near horizon. I talk with many women who are very unaware of the ways they are wounding their husbands. Only open dialogue is going to get to the heart of healing and nurturing great sex.

  8. landschooner says:

    Comment in Reply to Scott and JT. Actually, romantic and sexual teasing w/o follow through is exactly what my wife likes. My interpretation is that it reinforces to her the fact that she is desirable and attractive to her husband but that ACTUALLY having sex is too time consuming and involves too much effort when there are so many other things that are more pressing. She has actually said, “We can always do THAT, but we can only do THIS now.” Fill in the blank on THIS. There is always a good reason NOT to have sex. there is. If it isn’t a priority to you, than by definition other things will have a higher priority. There is ALWAYS something more pressing that needs to be done. There is another post on this site that is titled “Are You Making Cupcakes Instead of Making Love?” yes, that’s exactly it. Cupcakes or cookies that need to be made TONIGHT. TV shows that must be watched TONIGHT. We can have sex any old time. It’s like she thinks we will live forever. We will! But we won’t be married then. We only have now. This is it and the years are falling through our fingers so fast. My friends and family who are with the Lord NOW can attest to the brevity of life. I have siblings that have grandchildren and I’ve yet to actually have what I would call a sex life with my wife. But she’s right….these cookies for the youth group fundraiser won’t bake themselves. I can hear women say “So help her bake. Sex starts in the kitchen!” No it doesn’t. Not in this house anyway. The only sexual longing I actually think she has is to BE desired. That’s IT for her. That’s the TOP. Nothing is better. To BE desirable. She KNOWs I love and desire her. Therefore her tank is full. She has never seemed to be able to understand that her telling me that she desires me, without any follow through, gives lie to her words. (Faith without works is dead. “Be warm and be filled”) I’ve heard “I desire you” regularly for YEARS. Her words mean nothing to me. Just so much air. I suppose saying it is effort. kudos for that I suppose.

    She actually playfully talks about me chasing her around the table with my cane when we are old. She loves being desired by me. Funny that she can’t understand that her expression of desire for me without desiring sex isn’t desire. Not in any form that I can understand it anyway. Its meaningless. Even if it were true, that she does desire me even though she almost never wants to have sex, what good is that? I don’t want adoration. I want to have a sex with my wife.

  9. Greg says:

    After reading all your comments it would appear i am in the minority but this comes as no surprise to me!!
    I’m a married man, and my wife and i are deeply in love and have what i would describe as a wonderfully passionate sex life. This to a great part is because of teasing love play.
    What i am about to write most of you will ponder over, even maybe be perplexed by, but what i would say is please read all, and think deeply and even as i did look at discussing and trying it for yourselves as you may be greatly surprised!!

    I read an article a couple of years ago that long story short said many women would like to fondle – caress – play with their husbands/partners intimately but due to the fact that men ‘expected’ full sex after being touched intimately in any way deterred them from doing so. The man who wrote the article went on to say that once he told his wife she could touch him, tease him, fondle him in any way she pleased and that he would not be ‘expecting’ full on sex afterward, he found his wife couldn’t take her hands off him!!
    On reading this article i spoke with my wife about it, and she agreed that if she thought that fondling – caressing me intimately would not have to lead to full sex she would desire touching me more.
    I said that she could touch, fondle, caress me as much as she liked, and i found my wife doing so almost at any opportunity. She became a real hot teaser, confessing she really loved to tease, and because i love her i allowed her to tease me as much as she liked.
    She so enjoyed teasing me that she told me that not only was she going to tease me, but i was not to go off and have any sneaky wanks. She became very empowered by her new role, now commanding also my every climax!!
    Our love play got hotter and hotter as each month went by, because for me all the teasing made love making so so intense. This was entirely due to the fact that now my sole sexual relief was with her, and that all the teasing was increasing my sexual desire and physical potency. This was not easy guys, believe me the desire for relief when pent is very strong!! Strangely after a while on the odd occasion when temptation got too much after ‘wasting’ valuable fluids personal feeling and love making wasn’t as euphoric. This in it’s self generates a desire within me to save myself, and allow my wife to tease me till her hearts content!!

  10. Pingback: Can Sexual Tension Be a Good Thing? | Intimacy in Marriage

  11. Robert says:

    My experience is something like Greg’s.

    This is a game that my wife & I discovered by accident some time ago. I found that I enjoyed her teasing me quite a bit – provided I am confident that she will willingly and joyfully make love to me in the near future.

    But, this is a game that requires a great deal of intimacy and trust between us. When our sexual relationship has been “off” or when my sweet wife has been struggling with perimenopause and hates the world, this is not a game I can play.

    For me, it is the buildup and anticipation. It is a way to be sexually intimate at a time when sex is not going to happen. My need or drive is more pressing then hers, and I um…. you know, take matters into my own hands. Her teasing me, makes her part of the act. I ask her permission, and sometimes she teases me and tells me to go right ahead, sending me off to bed after five minutes of serious kissing. Some times she teases me and tells me I’m not allowed and have to save myself for her in a night or two. Who could resist that kind invitation from the love of his life? I would very much rather save that sexual energy to give to her. Why waste that energy in a solitary act that brings no real joy or satisfaction, merely somewhat blunting the edge of the hunger but not meeting the real need for deep intimacy.

    I think too, that this works for her because it gives her permission to be sexually intimate with when she is not prepared to have sex. She can say no to intercourse, without having to say no to me. She can say no to intercourse, yet say yes to being sexually intimate with me in a way that I enjoy very much.

    Our version of this game drifts in the direction of dominance and submission. I beg for permission to climax, she makes me wait. She reminds me that I will have a terrible case of “blueballs” unless I am very, very good at pleasing her orally. Fortunately, my performance always seems to measure up, just barely. I let her be in control and tease me about being in control. No whips and chains, no black leather boots. Just lots and lots of teasing. All good fun, that frequently involves smiles and laughter at the cheesy things we say to each other.

    Works for us.

  12. Kelly says:

    I don’t know why it’s only men complaining on this site. My husband is this way. Every day flirting, touching, acting like he wants me. I try to take it further, and bam he’s “tired” or some other excuse. It is the most frustrating thing, and makes this marriage very very difficult for me. I get rejected at least 90% of the time, probably more often, but he still teases me close to daily… and we are in our 20’s. I can’t figure this man out.

  13. Pingback: The 5 Cheapest Ways to Turn Your Husband On | Intimacy in Marriage

  14. So Annoyed!!! says:

    Ok so it’s all well and good to not tease your husband unless you don’t follow through, but what kind of advice do you have for men who tease their wife and don’t follow through? Such a double standard! I love my husband very much, but I’m wondering if it’s even worth it anymore. I’ve been devoted and loving to him, but I’m slowly becoming bitter and fat from feeding my emotions…

  15. Pingback: How to Get an A+ in Foreplay | Intimacy in Marriage

  16. Mark Holness says:

    Teasing a man can also lead to frustration, resentment, anger, and even putting your spouse in a vurnerable position that can cause infidelity. Walking around naked, teasing dances, and other acts of teasing IS abuse and not following through is wrong. It’s weird, why would you do this to someone that you say you love? I thoink it gives the woman the power and control. If you men start to ignore their wives, just so they dont feel that rejection and denial, that would be wrong and cause possible self esteem issues with your wife. Women have been using this method for ever and it is wrong and if he does step out on her, YES he is wrong. At the same time, she teased him, does not follow through and puts him at a weak moment. If you REALLY dont want him, dont tease him, or better yet, let him go to be free.

  17. Tommy says:

    My wife teases / touches me all weekend but never follows through. It’s annoying. I sometimes push her off when she touches me because I know the outcome. She gets pissed off at me when I do. By that time, I’m already two days teased, pissed off and hurting. Why do I get the raw end?

  18. JulieSibert says:

    @Tommy… Have you talked bluntly with her about this in a tone that is loving, yet direct. Express to her that you want the two of you to work together on better intimacy that doesn’t involve teasing, but rather open honest communication.

  19. Lacey says:

    So, I tease my husband. But for me, it’s foreplay. He’s much more of a talker and I’m more of a doer, we generally comprise on this, mostly me talking more, but sometimes I want things to go organically, so I like teasing because I like to gage his reaction to see if he’s in the mood. It’s much more arousing to me to see him reciprocate my advances then just saying to me “I want you”. However when I start to tease and be coy, he’ll say something like “Don’t start something you can’t finish.” Or “Is leading somewhere or not?” And that’s so incredibly hurtful to me and instantly turns me off. I’ve told him before about my feelings on this, but I dunno if he just doesn’t understand. Straight up assuming I’m just teasing for fun and not wanting it to lead anywhere is hurtful to me. And sometimes I just want him to shut up and act on instincts instead of asking questions and narrating everything. I don’t know how to really make him understand that. But I dunno, I’m sure there are other women out there that are the same, we tease cos it’s like testing the waters and initiating and then the man bluntly asks if it’s going anywhere and if not, just to stop, because even if it was leading to something, it’s not now. Ugh. I guess I need to work on communication more. Marriage isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.

  20. Melissa says:

    Hi… I’m a 40 year old woman that has a 43 year old husband that is the teaser!
    He touches me in areas that he knows that turn me completely on, he
    says things that turn me completely on and hardly ever follows through.
    I’ve even tried the whole “let’s go to the bedroom” thing and he still refuses and turns me down almost every single time.
    You would think that I would be the one that wouldn’t want intimacy with him because I have had 3 surgeries there, but no, he’s the one who teases and never follows through…!!! I even tried the “dress sexy” thing too for him, but half the time it don’t work! He compliments me on how good I look everyday, but he also compliments my female friends on how good they look too. He knows I’m a very jealous woman, and tries everything to irritate me to where I go off and blow a gasket! He’s even said that word for word to me several times.

  21. Victoria says:

    I get teased, I have what feels like an on off switch for arousal and I have to guess which way to turn it. It’s frustrating to be told “im tired, we will do it in the morning” then the next morning get teased but nothing comes of it. Whenever I get teased i don’t know if I should let myself get aroused because it usually doesn’t go anywhere and when it does I’ve turned myself off im so dry sex is painful. Why is it when im interested and he’s not its ok not to have sex but when he’s interested and im not we have to have sex anyway?

  22. Christian Husband of 38 yrs says:

    I get the role that playfulness can have in a good marriage, for some people at least. I also am absolutely certain, however, that very good, open, and honest communication is critically important in ALL marriages. If any form of playfulness is taken so far that it short-circuits or blocks good communication, then that creates a very big problem, and it isn’t worth doing.

    Be playful, sure – but also keep the lines of communication open, and be sure to stay on the same wavelength.

  23. Eve says:

    I’m not married but I’m having an issue with my s/o doing this to me. He does things like nibble my ears or touch me sexually, but then just stops and it is so frustrating. We both work so frequently and barely get time together, so with the little time we do get together it would be nice to have some romance, but he almost never follows through and sometimes I wonder why I bother at all.

  24. Julie Sibert says:

    @Eve…. maybe it would be better to be with a guy who will wait until marriage to have sex. I imagine that is hard, but just an idea (if you want to build a relationship as the Bible describes).

  25. Harry Banks says:

    My wife does this as well, a lot of the time, she is generally a very flirtatious person and I don’t think she does it intentionally, most of the time anyway. Though I do think somewhere deep down she likes the thought of working me up and then rejecting me, sometimes. I can live with it most of the time it’s all fun and games but it does get very frustrating when she’s teasing without following through after we haven’t had sex for quite a while (for us).

  26. Pingback: 5 Ways to Sexually Please Your Husband | Intimacy in Marriage

  27. Tara says:

    This goes both ways. My SO just thinks its okay to tease me. It really hurts. Its like he doesnt understand what he is doing.

  28. D J says:

    My wife loves to tease me all the time and yes we will have sex but it’s her sex. Through out the day she will fondle me or kiss me just right you know saying I want you. That’s great I love it, then later in bed she will really start doing it but only long enough to get me excited then it flips its all about her I will give her oral till she cums multiple times do everything she likes but the she never does the same for me all the things she says she is going to do to me never seems to happen I never get oral longer than a minute just enough to tease me into giving her what she wants and it’s like my reward is I’m getting to have sex with her and touch her! It’s got so bad that I hate her teasing me or touching me cause I know nothing will ever happen it’s just so she can get what she wants that we go months without sex cause I don’t want it anymore what do I do????

  29. C says:

    This is somewhat off topic from the original post but I felt compelled to share on it nonetheless. My wife and I have been married for a little over a year and a half now and we both are still virgins. Ever since our wedding night I’ve heard every excuse under the sun as to why she doesn’t want to engage in sex with me. I do have to state before saying anything that she does have some medical issues in regards to the “ladies area” but i’ll mention that here momentarily. First it started off as “I’m not mentally prepared for it yet” to “just let it happen naturally” then evolved to “I want to wait till our lives settle down.” It’s very unfortunate that in her mindset she has to have everything absolutely perfect in her life in order to have sex with her husband in any shape or form. Going back to the medical issues, after literally begging meaning on my knees, hands folded, and in tears pleading for her to have sex with me we attempted only one time and I couldn’t couldn’t even slide a quarter inch inside of her she just started screaming in pain. Through her entire life she has never visited the gynecologist and while we were engaged I pleaded with her to go and get everything checked before we got married but she refused with all her might not to do so. Now after going through that experience I do the same in pleading with her to please go see a gynecologist to get looked at but even after that she still refuses. Her excuse for that is “there are more important things to do than make doctors appointments.” Now we’ve come to the point that the very mention of the topic of sex and she quickly changes the subject acting as if she wants absolutely nothing to do with it. I as a husband have tried for our year and a half term of marriage to be patient with her. In the general context I always do my best to be supportive in her job, friends, family, and everything in between. She herself has had a somewhat “normal” childhood with loving parents and a strong supportive family altogether. Granted I’m not the most romantic person by any means I still do my best to show her I love her with all my heart. But it has come now to the point to where I hold is resentment to her for not having sex with me and just as equally important not WANTING to have sex with me. It has now reached the stage that we are live in civil unionized partners and nothing more. I have also urged for both of us to attend counseling or just even go and talk with our pastor or any pastor for that matter. But every time it’s brought up the same phrase is said time and time again, “we don’t need counseling we’re doing wonderful on our own. She must be living in some imaginary world to think that’s the case. As for what we do next I’m at a loss. I just keep on praying to the big man upstairs asking for direction for our marriage and what steps need to be taken. Overall it is pretty fair to say my patience is up, my feelings are crumbled, and my mind is blown. The temptation of just walking out and getting what I need elsewhere is a daily struggle. But of course I would never truly do such a thing due to myself holding marriage to be a sacred covenant with sex or not. To simply describe its a massive MESS. But I say all of that to say this in relevance to the post that every other blue moon when my wife does do something playful and flirtatious (even though I already know nothing will come of it) I shut it down immediately. I simply say don’t touch me and keep your hands to yourself. Yes it’s brutal to say but with all that I have just described I feel that I am entitled to do that one thing at least.

    Prayers much needed in this time of complexity!

  30. H says:

    This perfectly describes our sex life. It’s gotten to the point now that if she hints at sex at all in advance, I take it as a guarantee that there will be no sex happening. When she is making the hints is when she is in the mood and if the sex isn’t immediate then her mood will change before it happens. I have learned that her teasing is something that I should be turned off by since she only does it when there is no chance of being intimate. I hate that I feel this way about something that should be a source of joy in marriage but I do have a hard time believing my wife truly loves me and cares about my feelings. It happens so often that it is hard not to think she is doing it to intentionally hurt me.

  31. Cb says:

    Wow, so I’m not alone as the frustrated woman. Partner already has a lower drive than I do and plays games to the point of suggesting we’ll do it later or starts with foreplay then stops, then can’t see why I’m so resentful when he does this. It’s ok to show affection in non sexual ways, but teasing and suggestions and not following through regardless of who initiates it isn’t nice and it breaks down intimacy, trust and creates walls.

  32. H says:

    It happened again tonight. My wife came over to me after I got home from work. I was sitting on the couch and she straddled me, pushing her breasts in my face and then kissed me passionately. She told me how much she wanted me. She went back to her task and I went to get cleaned up. By the time she was done, she had added several other tasks to her list and was “too tired” to be intimate. I pray to God that I will be hit by a bus.

  33. D J says:

    My wife just did it again last night. All day long she was touching me kissing me grinding on me but then that night when the kids where in bed and if was just us it all stopped nothing I was told no “mamma isn’t giving booty” its getting old its like she just works me up just so she can be the one to knock me down

  34. H says:

    All week long, there have been sexual comments and touches from her. It is really making me angry. Now of all times she decides to act sexual when there is absolutely no chance of intimacy. She just had surgery last week and I have had to take care of her constantly. I have to help her shower and get dressed too. She is always making sexual jokes and inuendos. When we sit next to each other on the couch or in the car, she always wants to have her hand on my leg. I want to scream at her to stop. I have tried before to calmly tell her how awful it makes me feel when she did this stuff before her surgery. She just got offended and cried. Now in her fragile state, I don’t dare say anything or her crying could pop a stitch. I absolutely hate the feeling of having sex-that-I-can’t-have being dangled in front of my face. The last time I was very blunt with her and told her we could kiss, hug, or hold hands, but I didn’t want her to touch me anywhere else. I told her she was not to take her clothes off in my presence ever again until she was ready for actual intimate activity. She cried and ran to her friends to complain about me being the problem. Now that I am her temporary nurse, I don’t have a choice and have to see what I can’t have and listen to her comments. I can’t wait until she can take care of herself again so I can get back some small shred of my sanity.

  35. Tom says:

    My SO teases me too, I don’t think it is intentionally done to hurt me, bu it ends up that way. She has told me many times she wants to do something, but something always comes up with the kids or her mother who lives with us. I have tried to talk to her about it, but end up getting the ‘ I am not in the mood’ story.
    She has been telling me she has been experiencing pain, so we haven’t done anything in over 3 years. I got her some replense over a year ago, and she finally decided to try it, but something came up. Then 3 months later, she went and actually bought some more herself, and ‘ really wanted to try this, and was ‘really looking forward to our time together’ but something came up, and the idea disappeared.
    If I ask, I feel from her response like I am forcing her to do this, so I know it will be a bad experience for both of us, so I give up. She says she is ok with me looking elsewhere, but I don’t feel right taking that approach when we have had great times in the past

  36. H says:

    I got into bed last night to find my wife naked. I was excited for what I thought was going to happen. After a few minutes of just cuddling and holding each other, she informed me that she was in the mood in the living room before bed but now she wasn’t anymore and nothing i was doing was turning her back on. I hate living my life. I actually hate being alive.

  37. James says:

    As long as communication is strong, things that might seem cruel or hateful to others can be exciting for each other. My wife doesn’t do a lot of teasing, but her drive has been low over the past 2 years. She’s made lots of attempts to accelerate her desire or perform sex just because she knows I want it. Some of that has come out in teasing. I told her last night that I like her teasing, but that it does get my hopes up. Over the past several months, I have become very sensitive to feelings of rejection (crying & depression). She agreed she didn’t have any intentions of hurting me. I let her know that teasing was fine, as long as if she wasn’t planning on jumping on me later, to let me know that. On the other hand, I think I would like to start teasing her more, making her hot for me and being able to say to her, “not now honey.” I feel the last several months have led me to feeling emasculated, and I want to restore my confidence in myself and feel her burning for me and be able to tell her to wait. I’m tired of feeling needy and sex-centered and always a slave to my desire for sex.

    I read all the stories on here and I find some of them very sad. People, if your significant other is hurting you, you need to tell them that. You need to be firm, and in some cases I read, you need to tell that what’s on the line. “The way we’re going about this is hurting me and it’s hurting our relationship. I love you, and I enjoy our non-sexual time together, but whether you realize it or not, you are manipulating my sexual desire for you in a way that is hurtful and makes me resent my desire for you. I don’t want to feel like my desire for you is a bad thing. [It’s gotten to the point where I’m not happy in our relationship/marriage. If you still want to be with me, we need to work this out.]”

  38. James says:

    H

    It sounds to me like your wife was hoping for you to make your move in the living room. I’ve been there lately. Why can’t they see I don’t want to go to the bedroom? I don’t want it to be the same place, same time, every time!

    If that’s the case, she’s not communicating signals that you are understanding. Sit down, talk to her, and figure out what made her want it in the living room, and why it suddenly changed. Heck, offer to carry her back into the living room.

    Tom,
    3 years! I realize she may have things going on in her life, but she’s neglecting your needs. It sounds like you’ve been patient and honest with her, but the truth is us males need sex to feel close to our partners. Though it might sound like a generous offer to say you can get it somewhere else, she has to realize that actions that endanger relationships. She’s not acting like she values your companionship. And if she does, she needs to realize sex is an important part of your companionship. If she doesn’t want to lose you, the issue needs to be discussed at length and openly. I’m not going to say where the issue lies, it could be that she doesn’t feel you’re contributing enough to a long list of things she has to do and she’s frustrated with you about non-sexual issues. Don’t allow her to avoid the issue any longer. You guys need to talk.

  39. H says:

    James
    The location had nothing to do with it. The timing is the problem. She doesn’t communicate about sex at all. She can’t bring herself to talk about anything sexual with me. She can talk to her friends and sister and mother about sex but not me. If her mood happens to line up with a time when we can have sex, then we do (which is a rare occasion and always in bed at night). If her mood comes at a time when we would have to change our routine, then she won’t say so and I go on oblivious that she was ever in the mood at all unless she is unkind enough to tell me later, after her mood has passed.

    The thing that bothers me the most is that the only times she ever does make obvious hints when she is in the mood are times when sex is impossible. This is very depressing since she will almost certainly not be in the mood when sex finally is possible. It’s as if she waits for these times just so she knows she doesn’t actually have to have sex but can still keep up the facade of desire for sex. Like right now: she walks around the house topless and makes sexual innuendos for the last few days knowing full well that I can’t do anything about it. I have been sick with the flu and sleeping in the other room so she doesn’t catch it from me. Absolutely no chance of sex but now is when she waves in my face what I want and can’t have. Once I’m better though, she will go back to the way she was before. She got her ‘show sexual interest’ quota for the month so I will have to wait for the next narrow window and hope it happens at a convenient time.

  40. RP says:

    This goes both ways. My husband doesn’t want sex as often as I do, yet he suggests it, teases, touches. All without follow through. After 9 years of this, my body doesn’t even respond any more. So when a sexual encounter actually happens, about once per 4-6 weeks, I feel like I have to fake it. It’s like Pavlov’s dogs, I was conditioned. I would get all worked up with no release, so after a while my body stopped responding. Otherwise, I was constantly left breathless, wet, and aching for it. The first two years of our marriage was excruciating. My husband is a good man and great husband. This is my second marriage, we have kids already and I know now that sex isn’t everything, but I’d like a little more of it and I wish I still got turned on. It makes me kind of sad.

  41. tired tradie says:

    I used to get this problem almost daily, it would start around 9 to 10 in the morning with a “hey hows your day going?” text and I would respond accordingly good or bad or down right terrible then she will do the 90 degree turn and make it sexual with a response of “I bet could make it better with a (whatever sexual thing she says she wants to say)” or “shame you had to start so early I woke up so horny and wet this morning” and if I bite at the bait it will continue for the next few hours while I’m at work with stuff she wants to try or how she enjoyed the last time we did something then as I’m on my way home she tones it down and I get home she will be laying in bed on her phone going through the social media’s and the house will be a mess and kids running around hyper I will try and keep the spark going but she will make it clear she is too tired now and there is more urgent tasks at hand like putting the washing on at 4pm to not hang it out or put it in the dryer before it needs to be rewashed, so I usually end up spending some time with the kids playing while cleaning up the house and making a start on dinner preparations then I will get cleaned up and have dinner with the family and settle in for the night on the couch or playing some games on the computer with the kids and she will take another shot of the tease train and suggest we have a sexy shower together once the kids are asleep or if they are asleep already she will come naked from the shower and hint come to the bedroom which if I follow goes like 1 to 3 kisses maybe with a little tongue and then she will roll over and ask me to massage her back and neck if I don’t she gets in a foul mood if I do it will continue like this for 20 to 30 minutes, if I try and take things further she was promptly just ask for a little bit more every time I stop which if I don’t continue we go back to foul mood result and no sexual emasculation if I do continue after the 20 to 30 minutes she is no longer in the mood and just wants to sleep now. So I’ve taken to the out of sight out of mind method over the past 8 or so weeks and there has been some bigger efforts made by her
    to try and lure my interests back notably tonight where she came from the shower nude while I was settling in bed for the night and showed me her freshly shaven ….. and asked if I wanted to kiss it (I used to thoroughly enjoy oral giving and receiving) I replied with I don’t enjoy games and rolled over turning off my phone she got dressed and was asleep in 5 minutes or less and I’m left wondering and resentful for the next however long.

  42. Jonathan says:

    It’s frustrating seems like you’re the only one who wants to indicate sex because you love and care about your wife but when tha tables are turned it’s just teasing on her end and she never follows through makes me feel unattractive or that she doesn’t have passion for me anymore. I don’t need sex all the time heck I’ve been on 4 months now without it, but I just want to be desired more not some option.

  43. Pingback: Sexual Playfulness in Your Marriage: 3 Rules to Live By | Intimacy in Marriage

  44. Pingback: You Might Be a Selfish Wife Sexually If… | Intimacy in Marriage

  45. JustaMom says:

    My husband does this. We haven’t had sex in almost 3 years. I don’t think I can continue to be faithful, but don’t have the resources to leave. We have a special needs son and I have been home with him. We just moved back near my family so I have more support. It’s heartbreaking to be starting over in a new place with him and also preparing for the end of my marriage. It’s not because I want to end it, but it seems inevitable at this point.

    It’s demeaning. It’s controlling abuse. The result is that when he flirts or touches me, my immediate response is now anger.

Leave a Reply