In my post, Pursue Me Sexually, Dear Husband, I shared how much I appreciate that my husband expresses his desire for me.
Some of the comments I received, though, emphasized that pursuit is a two-way street and that wives also need to pursue.
I couldn’t agree more. As my fellow blogger Lori Byerly recently explored, God designed marriage as a playground for a couple to mutually enjoy each other (See also 1 Corinthians 7; Song of Songs).
I’ve touched upon this pursuit topic before in my post Does Your Husband Want The Girlfriend Treatment? Will You Give it To Him?
And the topic also shows up in these posts:
- 3 Reasons Your Husband Likes it When You Climax
- Happy Husbands Come From Wives Who Put Out
- One Truth About Marriage You Can’t Escape
- What Your Husbands Are Telling Me About Your Sex Life
- The 5 Cheapest Ways to Turn Your Husband On
It’s worthy of another discussion though… this aspect of pursuing your husband sexually.
I honestly think that many wives underestimate how enriching it can be to their marriage to be intentional and authentic in sexual pursuit of their husband.
Intentional. Authentic. Those are key.
Do you have a lingering suspicion that I’m speaking to you? As your sister in Christ and a fellow wife, I just want to encourage you, so please receive my heart on…
3 Reasons You Should Pursue Your Husband Sexually
1. Your opinion of him affects him.
Yes, this is a common thread I hear (as well as what is confirmed through relationship research) — most husbands gain a tremendous amount of reassurance and affirmation from how their wives feel about them.
Certainly, I’m not just talking about sex, right?
Well, no. Many husbands admit that they do like it when their wife expresses that he is a good provider, a loving father and her go-to guy for fixing anything broken in the house or car. Those types of compliments are nice.
BUT… and this is a very significant BUT…
How you feel about him sexually affirms him in a way that can’t quite compare to any other compliment.
You are his wife. You are the one who offered him not only your heart and commitment when you married, but also your body and soul. Hopefully you both entered into marriage looking for more than a “roommate.”
When you genuinely express your desire for your husband and when you actively show up in lovemaking, he gains the confidence to forge through the jungle that is his life.
He is better equipped to do all that other stuff you value in him — be a good provider, be a loving father and fix the problems that plague his family.
2. He wants to satisfy you sexually.
I can hear the confusion already.
“Julie, I thought we were talking about me pursuing him, not him satisfying me?”
Well, when you pursue your husband sexually, you are reminding him that you hunger for the way he sexually satisfies you. If you have downplayed the importance of your sexual satisfaction, then you are missing out.
Orgasm, sensual touch, kissing and everything else that goes along with lovemaking is good for your well-being. Sex isn’t just for your husband. God designed it for you too.
3. It increases the likelihood of fidelity.
I’m cautious on this point to say that a wife sexually pursuing her husband is not necessarily a guarantee that a husband won’t commit adultery (or become involved in pornography).
Sexual fidelity is an individual choice that both a husband and a wife need to make, and sadly, some people compromise their integrity and get careless with their marriage vows.
But I think common sense would tell us that a married couple is greatly increasing their odds for fidelity if they mutually nurture and pay frequent attention to their sexual intimacy.
For more on this, read my posts What a Shark Taught Me About Sex and Would You Be Fine with Your Husband Having Sex With Someone Else?
I realize each marriage is unique and only the two people in it can navigate what pursuit really means.
As a wife, do you think your husband wants you to pursue him sexually? How could your relationship be strengthened in this way?
Could sex become more fun? More endearing? More mutually-valued?
They are questions worth asking.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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17 thoughts on “3 Reasons You Should Pursue Your Husband Sexually”
How wonderful it would be if more wives heard this word and ministered to their husbands in the way ONLY they can. (And also had open hearts toward their husband’s pursuits, as in your previous post.) God help us all…
Thanks for the mention, Julie. Your posts are always so full of resources, information and encouragement. Bless you for all you do.
It will be interesting to see if there is any kind of response to this article from Women. Julie, I like how you turned the tables on this topic, suggesting the idea that women also need to pursue their husbands to promote a healthy intimate relationship in their marriage. I would expect that in most cases, women expect their husband to do all the pursuing. I would expect in most cases, women do very little to purse their husband. I would sure love to be proven wrong about that. I can’t imagine how much better the intimacy in a marriage would be if the wife would play a more active role in pursuing their husband. If women would do more of the pursuing, it would help men feel so much better about themselves, instead of the constant rejection. If Women really want to improve their relationship with their husband, no better way than to proactively do things to help their husband feel wanted and loved.
For many marriages the husband is the spouse with the higher sex drive . This means that the husband is usually the one who risks rejection by initiating sex.
By pursuing sexual intimacy,.In any form, with your husband you demonstrate in a very real way that you want him and want to be intimate with him. You take the burden off his shoulders of always being the first to ask, being the one who risks rejection.
I feel very loved when my bride pursues me. This is something I treasure.
I would settle for her responding to my pursuit of her.
To have her pursue me seems too much to hope for.
I must painfully agree with Steve. I tried some of the best books, advice, christian counseling, therapy, etc.. on how to pursue my wife.
Oh, a couple of times things worked out. A couple, in 6 months. Not the kind of result i was expecting. 99% of the nights and days, we are … roommates, with no benefits. To have her pursue ME, that would be like winning the lottery. I have the same situation that another husband wrote about in another post… My wife is so busy and into her church activity, and spiritual enrichment path, that she seems to have completely forgotten that she is a wife, and a mother..( my kids requested some healthier food in the house, besides hot dogs, pizza and macaroni and cheese..for months at the time.
Sadly, I must say it is getting harder and harder to wait for something, a train that is not coming for sure. Her pursue me… what a dream.
Julie, this is a great post, and I heartily agree. Sometimes I wonder how many women who don’t already get this are even reading this post. My hope is that plenty are.
Women need to understand that it’s the attitude with the actions that say “you’re my man,” or “I want you,” that’s meaningful. That’s why duty sex can have the opposite effect although it’s not intended as such. Don’t “do me” because it’s been X number of days, “do me” because you want me. Of course, ya gotta want to in the first place… maybe that’s the problem.
This comment is for Frank and other husbands who find themselves in the same difficult position. I know that I may get in trouble for posting this comment (because it refers to a non-Christian resource), but I think it is worth it. Athol Kay, author of The Married Man Sex Life Primer and the related blog, offers advice to husbands that no one else seems to be offering, and it is working for a lot of men, including Christian men. Athol is not a Christian and some of his advice is not appropriate for Christians (e.g., porn is fine). But he offers concrete ideas for taking the lead in your marriage and improving your sex life. Some of his advice seems harsh, but no harsher than a loveless, sexless marriage. Basically he advises improving yourself in ways that will get your wife’s attention and hopefully cause her to respond to you in more positive ways. And he gives very specific steps for how to do it. For those who have tried other approaches with little or no success, I think his approach is worth a try.
i think it’d be nice if my advances were met more often by my husband rather than a brush off. i try to kiss him he walks away more than half the time. we hardly sit near eachother. he falls asleep on the couch most nights and can’t be woken up to come to bed. we always pray before dinner together but that’s about it. granted i’m not completely blameless i stay up late trying to get the kids to bed plus i have insomnia. and honestly most times if he tries to wake me in the morning for something im so tired i don’t even remember him coming to bed at all. but i really do miss just being able to hold his hand or kiss him every once in a while. i know he wants to do better and he’s going through some things. i even asked him if he would mind just kissing me when he gets home from work before he gets a drink and he said yes but i guess he forgot. the longer we go in between encounters the lower my drive gets.. the depression doesn’t help either but i’m trying, every day i try.
Frank says: ….. “My wife is so busy and into her church activity, and spiritual enrichment path, that she seems to have completely forgotten that she is a wife, and a mother…”
That’s called missing the mark. Martha instead of Mary. What would God have you do? Study hermeneutics or love your husband?
If I spend all my time serving the Lord and getting to know Him and forget my wife in the process, have I pleased God?
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OMG…I read all these responses and I shake my head at how preventable all your situations are. All of the respondents to this article can end the neglect TODAY and set your marriages on the proper path. Behavior like all your spouses are exhibiting is clearly wrong and detrimental to your marital future. All you have to do is have an intervention…tell all your spouses that you are ENTITLED to a loving, intimate marriage and they are SINNING by not providing it. Tell them you would stop an errant child from destructive behavior, and that they are DEFINITELY exhibiting destructive behavior as your spouse. Change is coming to your marriage for the better, and let them choose the outcome. They can correct their neglect and rejection OR they can live the single life they so clearly seem to want. You didn’t get married to be celibate, so they have a choice to make. Either do this now, or you’ll be right back here 10/15/30 years from now, full of regrets and anger.
I am gettibg tired of pursuing my wife sexually. 95% is me and 5% is her. We have OK sex but sometimes it is like pulling teeth. I think about it and get excited but then I think about the work it takes. I just tired of fighting her past abuse from her father. Any suggestions would help.
Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t care one way or another if we are intimate. Since the day after our wedding, he has stopped wanting me. He tells me I don’t initiate but why should always be the one asking, begging, trying? I’ve asked him to plan a date. Once. Just once. He never has made an effort and blames me because I have food allergies and can’t go to a restaurant. He always has excuses for everything. We are roommates only. We care for our home and dog and he is content with that. I never wanted divorce but I simply am done trying, talking, planning everything, every time. I want a man who wants me and persues me like I do him.
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Wow thanks alot for this post. In marriage for just 4 years but was getting weary of pursuing DH. I persue him 95% but was wondering whether he has a problem…but again he usually dives in happily and excited, he enjoys it and he whispered “Thank You” last night. I felt like a queen feeding my king.
Some times I feel like a spoiled girl but am encouraged am going to pursue my man continously …..After all it is my duty to care and please him (1 Corinthians 7:34)
Thank you all for opening up.
I receive and agree with everything stated here…. But what happens when the wife (myself) is the ONLY one doing any pursuing? He happily dives in and is appreciative but he never pursues me (neither physically nor verbally), does not even look at me when I’m naked, and has nothing but excuses when I express my hurt to him. I don’t mind pursuing, but I want it to be reciprocated. I do not feel wanted or cherished, and I’m finding myself intentionally looking to other men for attention. I’ve only been married 9 months and I thought this would be a happy carefree time. Instead, I’ve had more miserable moments than happy times -mostly due to the lack of sex – and I don’t know what to do. He does not get it. All I want is him but he is breaking me down by not wanting me back.