Pursue Me Sexually, Dear Husband

As some of you know, I try to regularly ask my husband, “How can I be a better wife to you?”

Likewise, he asks me, “How can I be a better husband to you?”

His answer usually revolves around food, because I kind of suck at meal planning (although I’m getting better).

God bless my dear husband.  He just wants to know that something other than microwave popcorn and instant oatmeal is going to grace our dinner table.

My answer usually revolves around sex.

I like to be pursued by my husband. Call it healthy lust.  Call it passion.  Call it come hither, I can’t live one more moment without your touch.” Call it whatever you want.

I savor it!

I truly appreciate when my husband expresses his desire for me, whether that be right before we make love or as he hugs me just a moment longer before he leaves for work.

And yes, I know that there is much more to all this than just physical desire.  In my opinion, though, when it comes to one-flesh, we shouldn’t even be able to relegate desire to separate corners of Emotional, Physical and Spiritual.

To me, they all tenderly intermingle, like a fondue dinner.

I want it all.  I want the creamy cheese fondue, the sweet chocolate, the sizzling hot oil.  (Okay, my metaphor may be taking on a whole new meaning right now).

My point is – and I do have one – is that marriage affords us the opportunity to exclusively pursue each other in a way that is right and holy and fun and tender.

Is it just me, or do you find that tremendously raw and worth protecting?

I’ve previously dug into this desire issue when I explored one truth about marriage you can’t escape.

I’m sad when I hear of marriages that have fallen so far to a place of comfort (or worse, to a place of disdain) that they have actually forgotten what it means to pursue each other.  They see no need for it.

But there is a need for it!

Life is hard and chaotic and messy.

Amidst all that, it is enticing and enriching to know my husband still longs for me – and instead of ignoring those urges, he leans into them and acts upon them.

So yes, pursue me dear husband.

And in return, maybe I’ll make a meal.  I’m thinking fondue, literally and figuratively. Yum.

What do you all think about pursuit?!  Please comment and let’s get this discussion going!

I also encourage you to check out Paul Byerly’s post LUST: I Want You.  Not only does he do a great job of exploring the issue of lust, he also includes links to other Christian bloggers looking at the issue.

Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

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43 thoughts on “Pursue Me Sexually, Dear Husband

  1. Greg says:

    I can only wish that *every* marriage was marked by husbands and wives who genuinely loved and desired each other, and who mutually valued sexual intimacy and union as deeply as they treasured each aspect of their marriage.

    I think Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane from the Dukes of Hazzard sums it up nicely: “Hot Pursuit!” 🙂 It’s what God intended for marriage!

  2. Clark says:

    Can you imagine what would happen to the divorce rate of Marriages in America if both the husband and wife would be actively interested in how they could be a better spouse? If my wife asked that question, most likely my answer would have something to do with Intimacy. I would be curious to know how most couples would answer that question. I personally think that marriages that have a healthy dose of intimacy in a marriage, probably have strong marriages. It is amazing how much effort and energy is required to maintain consistent intimacy in a marriage, and I am not just talking about just having sex. How often do we give our spouse a hug and a kiss, hold their hand, and flirt with our spouse, so that we keep the fire burning strong? Julie, nice job on picking another great topic to discuss.

  3. Kathleen says:

    I ask for him to pursue me “like you used to” quite often. One time when I asked, it came to painful tears for me, and on his part, anger, because he felt like he didn’t measure up, but I just want more of who he is! I want him to FLIRT with me, chase, hug, kiss for longer than a peck, and MAKE OUT! Thankfully it has been getting better, bit by bit. 😀 And for that, I am so grateful.

  4. Old Hubby says:

    I would bet that there are many husbands out there like me, who do not pursue our wives sexually.

    We don’t need the pointless exercise- if Dearly Beloved (Wife) is in the mood, which, of course, is what always drives the incidence of lovemaking in a couple, maybe as often as every couple of weeks, you Do It. Why “pursue” when the result is either 1) avoidance, or 2) grudging acquiescence and a bad mood or guilting by apparent exhaustion the next day?

    If the lower drive spouse, most often the female, has not committed herself to 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 and the principles of “one flesh” or is not afraid that her husband will cheat or leave, it is her who is in absolute control of their sex life.

    In those cases, after a few early years of approach, pursuit, etc., the pattern emerges. He is supposed to ask (or beg), and she says yes or no. Why does any male with any self-respect subject himself to that?

    So, if you are determined to be faithful, or if you actually love your wife, you simply sublimate sexual interest. Maybe there will be some porn or some sort of solo release to take the edge off, or maybe you can ultimately get over the testosterone jitters.

    But, unless a wife is one of the few who either has an unusually strong drive, or is sadder but wiser after learning from a failed marriage or an affair, I suspect this is a very common pattern.

    It is better to forget sex than to be rejected. Pursue? Phooey.

  5. andrew says:

    Old hubby…I’m afraid I have to disagree with you. When it comes to sexual desire, male or female..we all have it. If your spouse appears to not have it she is often reacting to her man who is not showing enough attractive qualities. as a man its your responsibility to lead your wife to a more sexual place…..and the first place to start is with yourself.

  6. JulieSibert says:

    Thank you Old Hubby and Andrew for your comments… I appreciate you stopping by.

    Andrew, I kind of hear what you’re saying, but to Old Hubby’s credit, I have to tell you that I hear from plenty of married people (husbands and wives) who do indeed try to lead their spouse to a more sexual place, to no avail. The reality is that each person in a marriage needs to take responsibility for nurturing sexual intimacy… and all that goes with that… honest vulnerable conversation about desire, purposely initiating, having a good attitude, etc.

    I wish it were always as simple as the higher-desire spouse simply leading the lower-desire spouse to a more sexual place, but sadly, this isn’t always the case.

    Grieves my heart.

  7. Old Hubby says:

    Andrew, don’t make judging presumptions. Talk to a few ex-wives whose eyes were opened to what they willfully ignored when they were married.

    Are there husbands who are jerks? Of course. Do all spouses fail at times? Of course- mankind is reprobate.

    Most often men fail in different ways- expressing affection (I can guarantee that that is not an issue in our home), or listening, or being attentive. Those failures are still not an excuse for her to take revenge, any more than a wife’s violation of her marriage vows through rejection is an excuse for him to stray.

    But don’t kid yourselves. Failure to meet sexual needs is just as much a violation of marriage vows as adultery. And I’m tired of reading constant nonsense about how it’s all HIS fault.

  8. Clark says:

    Traditionally, it seems the man takes on the primary role of pursuing. For my marriage, it seems that if there was any pursuing going on, it mostly came from me, the husband. Very rarely has my wife pursued me. She will drop hints once in awhile that she wants to make love, but those hints are not pursuing me. I would think that if the wife took a more active role in pursuing, that would make a huge positive impact in the intimacy of a married couple. I often get the impression that if the women were to be the pursuer, than the women might think the man would abuse that opportunity. I have also wondered what does it really mean and look like for a women to pursue her husband. Does that include groping her husband, sitting on his lap, dragging him to bed, slapping his butt when he walks by, etc? I know what it looks like for a husband to pursue his wife, but it is really hard for me to picture a wife pursuing a husband. What a difference it would make in the intimacy of a marriage if the women would take more of an active role in pursuing, rather than it always being the husband. I also agree with some of the other men who posted on this blog, that if men get rejected enough times trying to pursue their wife, they stop pursuing.

  9. Kevin says:

    MEN LIKE TO BE PURSUED AS WELL. the problem is all these anti depressants kill libido and when the sex drive is gone then she is just not interested and some woman find it hard to believe that a man loves a woman through sex .
    They feel if it doesn’t bother them why should it bother you they don’t realize if they stop having sex the marriage is broken down.
    Sex is the bonding agent in the marriage and besides, who needs a room mate. We want a wife.

  10. Pingback: 3 Reasons You Should Pursue Your Husband Sexually | Intimacy in Marriage

  11. Sweet Mama says:

    I definitely feel for the frustration in those who posted about being sexually rejected or neglected by a wife. It always seems to be the husband complaining of a distant wife, but you rarely hear of the opposite. I spent the first 4 years of my marriage being rejected and neglected in the department of physical intimacy. (even when we were first married and i weighed 125lb) I cant tell you how that affects the male psyche, but I know that I carry many scars and insecurities because of it. Even though things have recently improved, I’m not sure how you feel truly desired when you had to threaten your spouse with drastic measures in order to force them to want you. It sometimes feels very hopeless. My advice for the men posting about their wives is to be very blunt, loving but blunt. Tell them how it makes you feel. I told my husband that if he didn’t want to be my husband in every area then he would need to get a separate bed or sleep on the couch, but that i wasnt going to pretend to be married anymore. According to God’s word, we are only to abstain from sex for as long as we can fast from food and that is only with consent from your spouse.

  12. Kathy says:

    I pursue, I pursue. Too tired, too aggravated, too busy – always something. Once a week is not enough for me and I don’t know how to express this in any other way. So frustrating. Things are crazy and lots of stress, so want us to purposefully put all that aside to just enjoy each other. Purposefully put each other above all the rest and not let all the rest leave us empty and unavailable for each other. At some point, something has to give and I don’t want it to be our marriage.

  13. landschooner says:

    Wives who pursue their husbands, or even those who are HAPPY about being pursued (as long as they allow themselves to be caught) are such a treasure. If a husband doesn’t appreciate a sexual wife……He’s like the man who had a treasure buried in his field and didn’t know it was there. What a fortune! What a Blessing you are!

    I serve the Lord first and all that I have and all that I am is His to do with as He wills. But within those boundaries, if I could, I’d give all that is mine to give to have what these men refuse. I love my wife more than I can say. I want no other, but I would change one thing. I would that she desired me……Truly desired me.

    Its a LOT better than it used to be. She says yes so much more than before. For that I am very grateful. I make it on “the list” regularly these days and that’s a BIG improvement though it took 19 years of frustration….. But desire? I don’t know what its like to be desired. Once in a while I catch a glimpse of it. I think might have spied it in her eyes for a moment…….

    To the wives here that are refused;

    Your husbands are WEALTHY beyond description.
    They just don’t know it.

    You are a TREASURE beyond price.

  14. Old Hubby says:

    No one is going to waste time pursuing unless you know that you have a chance to catch her and something good will follow. Why waste time on a pursuit where your batting average would be 5%? You’d be better off hanging out in cheap bars frequented by lonely divorcees.

    Look at Landschooner- “She says yes so much more than before. For that I am very grateful.”- Lorena Bobbit has been working on him for years, one tiny little slice at a time. That is neither a harbinger of relationship health or other-directed spirituality.

    But if Julie sat down and talked to that wife, the latter would have no interest in listening. Why? She has a good thing going- her husband won’t leave, she believes, and meanwhile she doesn’t have to put out any more often than she feels she feels is absolutely necessary.

  15. Meri says:

    I don’t pursue my husband anymore. We’ve only been married for ten months, but he lost interest in me the day after we got married. He won’t kiss me or touch me unless we’re having sex, and he’s rarely interested in sex. He’s not interested in talking or spending time together or anything. I used to pursue him every day, but a person can only handle so much rejection and disappointment. I don’t even remember what it feels like to be pursued, and I’m not sure if I even want or need it anymore. I’ve tried everything I know of except threatening divorce, but nothing works. I envy people who have strong friendships, intimacy, and satisfying sex lives in their marriages…wish I could have a real marriage.

  16. Kayla says:

    Meri,

    I’ve been married to “my wonderful Christian husband” who rejected me sexually on our 3rd honeymoon night. He said, “we don’t have to do it.” How crushing it was! He rarely initiated, often resisted my initiations and would not pursue me on any level. He was more a roommate than anything else. My heart and spirit were dying–alas God was faithful and very loving to me all this time. Well, last November I found out the truth. He had been dabbling in porn throughout our marriage. He lied about previous relationships before our marriage and about other things as well. He was such a good deceiver that there is no one who suspected him. Now at least the truth is in the light and it is a daily battle to continue to work in the process of restoration–he is finally willing and trying to be an honest man–lots of counseling and other help is needed to accomplish this. Divorce is far from wanted because we have 4 kids but my heart is very tender. So, I urge you to see if you new husband is hiding anything. I never would have believed mine was but I’m beginning to realize that many, many men have secret hidden lives. I lift a prayer up for you!

  17. Kate says:

    Here I sit, long after my husband has fallen asleep, frustrated to tears becaus ehe won’t touch me. When I touch him, my hand is usually (gently) slapped away. I completely understand the frustration you neglected husbands feel. Hopefully, you had at least a few good years of physical affection before your beloved turned to ice. Me? We’ve been married about one month. One month of repeated rejection and I’m already turning into a bitter basketcase. I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together for four years and he knows I need physical intimacy. I’ve tried eveyrthing I can think of, from giving him his space to hopping into the shower with him. That led to heartbreaking humiliation when he knocked over a shampoo bottle and said “See? This is why I hate taking showers together!” I had to turn around to rinse off the soap so that he wouldn’t see me cry. Being naked in front of him, feeling so vulnerable and humiliated – was the longest minute of my life. I’m good in bed. He’s told me before that I’m the best he’s ever had. I take good care of him – feed him great meals, keep house, play secretary, cheerleader, best friend and mother of his child I’m told by people regularly that I am very attractive – he even says so. But he does it in a matter of fact way – not an affectionate. For example, I’ll ask him if my hair or outfit looks ok. Without looking at me he’ll shrug his shoulders and say something like “You always look beautiful honey,” in a monotone voice. He never complements me. And when he wants sex (which is rare) he lets me know by laying next to me naked without saying a word and waiting for me to make the first move. What the heck?? He used to not be like that. I love him deeply and I always show it. What else can I do? I am committed to him for better or for worse, but I know that if this doesn’t improve two things will happen: I’ll end up resenting him. And he’ll end up changing me into the kind of wife you frustrated husbands are complaining about. Help!

  18. JulieSibert says:

    Kate, I am so sad with you… I sense there are other issues going on with your husband, but I’m guessing this is no news to you, even if you don’t know what the issues are.

    If you have tried to lovingly ask him if there is anything wrong, as well as clearly express your pain and confusion… and he is not willing to put some effort into moving toward healthier communication and connection… then I highly encourage you to see counseling on your own, for your own coping skills.

    As I often say to people in your situation, whether it be husbands or wives… God’s Word is clear that we all must give an account for how we have lived. All you can do is seek the Lord and seek to honor His commands and heart. If your husband chooses to ignore the Lord and His Word, then he will have to answer for this.

    My prayers go out to you as you prayerfully consider how to navigate.

    julie

  19. T. E Jones says:

    Ugh! I’m so tired of being rejected. I am always pursuing my husband for sex. It’s never the other way around. Although, when he does want it, it’s now or never, and usually I’m not ready. I’m exhausted from “chasing” him and frankly, done chasing him. Why am I being rejected? I have a strong sex drive for a woman and you would think that it would make things better. It does not. I’m the one that gets the excuses like, “I’m tired,” “I have a headache,” “I need to work in the morning.” I hate it.

  20. T. E Jones says:

    Kate, I hear you. What can we do? I mean, I used to be into porn and sometimes it is still a struggle for me. Now I burst into tears when I do revert back. I want the man who pursued me before we were married.

  21. John R says:

    i agree with the men on her im 25 my wife is 27 and we use to have an amazing sex life until about a year ago when everytime i would kiss her on the neck or try to get intamite it was always a cute lil giggle followed by a “later”. to no suprize later never came. so i desided to just throw in the towel. now shes wondering why i wont touch her?? later baby. to the woman, if every single time your man touches you and you back off like he has 6 heads dont be dumbfounded when he stops touching you. end of story, its like the monkey at the zoo who gets shocked or hit everytime he reaches for the bananna. after a while he stops reaching out. oh and fyi, teasing is fun until a certain point. you cant tease your man and never follow throu with it. its just wrong. blue balls are no laughing matter. im dead serious he will find someone who will follow throu. good day.

  22. Joseph Walton says:

    For me as a husband, being married for 2 and half years. I was always pursuing my wife while we were dating (non-sexual) And I was very excited to the point that after we did get married the honeymoon was great!! But after we came back and got settled in, in our new home, she would push me away. She would not like kissing in public. So I went ahead and kissed her only at home, then she would still push me away. Then as the months pass by she would push me away even more when it came to sex. I would pursue her by buying her flowers for her office, and cards, love letters and even do an all out bathtub soaking time for her. Then come to find out she was raped in college at that time before I met her. She didn’t tell me till after we got married. She finally told me and it deeply upset me and then still nothing changed. Then she claims that I don’t pursue her very much in the area of heart to heart but she thinks that sex should only be when ever she is in the mood, which is every other week. So I’m having a hard time in pursuing her because I’m depressed from being with held from sex cause she wants to control how the evening goes and she so type A personality that she doesn’t enjoy and tells me to hurry up cause I’m tired and I got alot of stuff to do tomorrow. So I feel no passion towards my wife the way I want to feel because of this situation and to the point that I easily get angry at her is because of her pushing me away. So any suggestions??

  23. JulieSibert says:

    @Joseph… Please encourage your wife to consider counseling, not only for herself individually, but also marriage counseling for the both of you. The struggles you are experiencing in your sexual intimacy do not have to remain this way… if you both are willing to take steps toward mutually-nurtured and mutually-valued sexual intimacy.

    If she is not willing to go, then I suggest you go on your own… not only to show her how serious you are about the marriage and about doing whatever is possible to make it stronger and healthier, but also so that you can find coping skills and insights from someone who is a trained counselor.

    I am so sorry for your pain… you are not alone, as I get many comments and emails similar to yours. Grieves me greatly to think how many marriages are missing out on all that God intended sex to be in a marriage.

  24. Sandy says:

    Julie,

    I could use your help. I love my husband dearly but his persuing me has turned into grabbing my boobs as he walks up to me. It makes me feel like a peice of meat and I usually fight him off. I’ve tried asking him to work his way up to that, first hold my hand or kiss me, show me some other types of affections then you can grab my boobs if you like, but he gets angry with me. Could you give me some help here. When we were newly weds he would never just grab my boobs, but treated me with more respect and then worked his way to this intamacy. Am I wrong to feel this way. He’s so angry at me when I pull away, but I try not to and can’t control my reaction.

  25. JulieSibert says:

    Thank you for your note @Sandy… I am sorry your husband is not listening to your honest expressions of dislike for the way he approaches you… grabbing your breasts isn’t the foreplay he must think it is. Sad that he is not listening.

    I would suggest you write him a letter where you can take more time to really express how his actions make you feel. You want to do it in a tone of love, yet firmly express your concerns. Also, though, add that you do desire him and you do want the two of you to put more effort into building sexual intimacy that is enjoyable for both of you. Tell him that you wrote him a letter because you truly wanted to share your heart and you weren’t sure you could get through everything you wanted to say without crying.

    He doesn’t seem to understand that these are heart issues… if you feel like a piece of meat, that’s really not going to get him what he really wants… a wife who is interested and enthusiastic about sex, and even playful touching.

    hope this is helpful…

  26. Judy says:

    I understand what Sandy is going through,..my husband is a boob grabber also and has been throughout our entire marriage,but he usually always kisses me on the cheek ,my neck, or gives me some sort of warning before diving in with both hands..lol ! It was real frustrating when the children were younger and I would be preparing a meal for the family.My husband would come home from work or whereever,and should the kids be out of sight,he would be inside my blouse in seconds. I don’t know how many trips I made to the restroom,straightening myself up,before the children seen me,..it really was frustrating ! However,I never once told him to stop it,…even though it upset me I still felt great satisfaction in knowing that my husband craved me sexually,and I didn’t ever want to discourage him in any way! I have always been a very submissive wife and being so,has never been a regret .
    I’m sure Kate doesn’t sympathize at all with Sandy and I ,..and very understandably why…it’s so much better to be fondled too much,than none at all!

  27. Nearly30Wife says:

    I am struggling with this. I am the more active (wife- that apparently is a rarity) in the relationship. Luckily, he doesn’t reject me too often but at the same time he doesn’t pursue me either. I am kind of sadden and feel like I should lose weight or do something that would propel him towards me and I have spoken openly with my husband. I have told him I want him to initiate it. I nearly divorced him for watching porn- how can a husband who has a wife who has never once in 7 years refused him sexually and usually asks him if we can be together turn to such measures. Especially if we are young and active once it is initiated. Usually during a week we may be active 2-3 times but we also have 3 young kids. But I do want him to initiate the 2 to 3 times when 90 percent of the time it’s me. Since I’m hyperactive in that way- I feel like there is something wrong with me. I even told him maybe I should seek help because I would honestly like it at least 5 times a week but since he never pursues me I just try to initiate less often. He has said that kids and tiredness play a huge roll in it but we both wanted kids but I still feel hurt the times he does reject me. As for the porn he stopped and I nearly left him over it because I felt – if he would have pursued mr more he wouldn’t have needed it especially since I’ve never rejected him. NOT ONCE WAS I EVER TIRED OR HAD A HEADACHE OR NOT IN THE MOOD. We are at 7-1/2 years of marriage now. Our relationship is on the mend with a lot of prayer and harsh honesty. But I do ask God to help me not to want to be active with my husband so often. I don’t know why I am so driven that way and I feel ashamed.

  28. Melissa says:

    My husband almost always rejects my pursues. He says I’m a bully for wanting sex with him. I never tell him no but he rarely ever asks. What is wrong? 🙁

  29. Melissa says:

    When my husband and I got married, we were pregnant with our first son. We did things backwards, which we both realize is wrong but have been forgiven for our sins. When I was pregnant, I didn’t have a high libido like I did previously. Prior to being pregnant, I was the one with a bit stronger sexual desire. We have been married for over 2 years now, and I’m afraid that my pregnancy has set the tone for our marriage. He doesn’t pursue me often, and when I do pursue him we always end up having sex, which we both enjoy. When I pursue him, he tells me he has actually been wanting me for a couple of weeks, to which I get upset that he hasn’t said anything, because I want to take care of him, too. I read previous comments above, and I’m afraid of our sex life becoming like that of what Old Hubby said, because it feels like that is what’s going on. I brought it up to my husband, and he said no, that’s not happening, so I am left confused and hurt that I am not pursued more. I have gone trough a whole list in my mind of what could be wrong and have discussed it with my husband, but all I ever get is that it’s none of what I think. My husband is a great man, but I feel like I’m being robbed of being able to take care of these needs that are special between us, and I never even get an explanation of why.

  30. Jess says:

    I think pursuit is one of the most important things to keep in your marriage and one of the most longed for and missed when it stops and in my case a damaging destructive part of a relationship when it’s stopped or ripped away from you after you’ve been together for a while. The loss of being pursued by my husband has changed and effected my in so many ways and not many of them good and as much as men love to feel wanted, us women want that even more its almostwritten in our DNA make up that we need our husband to make us feel like the top model in the world and the rarest of treasures to be found

  31. Prayingwife says:

    Wow – I’m prayerfully writing this as I’m saddened to see others struggling through similar issues. We are definitely in a spiritual war and the enemy will do anything to destroy God’s ultimate plan. I’ve been happily married to my husband for 19 years, 2 job changes, 4 children and a major move. This last move, and job change 2 years ago was a whopper. We know it was God’s plan for us, but it has had its challenges. His stress level increased tremendously with the new job. I don’t discredit this and I’ve searched scripture regarding the marriage bed. I keep finding the reference that says abstain only on a mutually agreed time for prayer and fasting. Mutually. So, then scripture says we are to put others first, their needs, and find fulfillment in our relationship with the Lord. OK I understand this, but is it as much a sin to withhold from your husband/wife if it causes them to stumble? It causes stress in your marriage and is a simple solution – come together! Seems so simple. I’ve made my request known, but he responds with silence or defensiveness. We’re to satisfy each other as God designed us! Dear hubby is an awesome provider for us. The challenge I’ve had is my sex drive has increased and his has decreased. We’ve just turned 40, but it feels as though I’m almost always the pursuer. I can’t say I’ve always been the pursuer, but things have really changed. I found porn sites on his phone last year, which he denied, and I haven’t seen any since. He said he’s never looked at porn and doesn’t know how they appeared. He will spend an hour some nights playing phone games (not hiding them from me), but as soon as I’m ready for bed, he turns off the light and falls asleep unless I’m pursuing. I feel like I’ve had the same conversation with him over and over about my needs. We have sex maybe once a week, I think it would be less if I didn’t initiate it. I’ve told him I could have it every day – My desire is strong for him. If I initiate, he responds, but it sure would be nice to be pursued. It’s very degrading for a Christian wife or husband to feel like they have to beg their spouse for intimacy/sex. For a woman, it’s crushing, especially when you have had a great bedroom relationship and God’s design for sex is without flaw. It’s part of the marriage, to give freely and to unite as one flesh. I’ve given it to the Lord, expressed my needs to my husband and am moving forward. I’m not a perfect wife, but this is really in God’s hands as I cannot change my husband’s desire or behavior, only God can do that. Praying for us all, as this is a battle, and it is worth the fight for our marriages, our children and for God to get ultimate glory.

  32. Jean says:

    My husnand hardly had sex with me for 6 years. He didn’t get help for ED. His weight was very high. He never pursued me before that time, either. I had to coax him to get help. The sex is now once a week because I threatened to leave. He also satisfied himself with porn for 6 years while neglecting to get help. I never cheated. Now, I am very dissatisfied and resentful. The sex isn’t good now anyway.

  33. Frustrated wife says:

    I am also a wife that has a higher sex drive than my husband. Married 26 years. I have been pursuing him since day one. I would and do rub my foot up his leg and to his crotch. He would laugh and say I’m so cute. I kiss him and nibble on his ears, massage his back and head put my hands all over him. Then we go home take showers and he goes for the tv remote and falls right asleep. This has played out over and over again.
    I have studied about this problem an awful lot . He is good to me in all other ways. He is just not sexual. We have talked a lot about it and I know he wants to make me happy. Making love should be a mutual experience with each other both desiring each other. I feel like he has tried to commit to once a week now, but he often forgets. Even though I do show him I want him.
    Last week, when it had been a week or more, I woke up so in the mood, but I know he is not a morning person, I would never even attempt to come on to him in the morning. Instead I went around and crawled in behind him and rubbed his back, scalp and legs. This so turned me on. I of course was hoping he would want to make love when he got home. No:-(
    I flirt with him by text during the day often it rarely gets results.
    He said last night he wanted to go out to dinner and come home and go right to bed tonight. I always think he means go to bed and make love but no not usually.
    We came home and took showers, I have been hot for him since he told me last. I guy he wanted us to go to dinner and come right home and go to bed. After showering I crawl in bed ready for some adult play. He is playing with the remotes and the tv I cuddle up with him and tell him I’m so cold and I rub my hands her gently over his chest and tummy and lower for a while with no reaction, I was wanting him badly. But I could see I couldn’t compete with his desire to tune in a new giant tv .
    I stoped and moved over a little and we watched a show together about outer space. It was a nature type show. The picture was very pretty, but I wanted so much to make love to him. He is fast asleep. This is how far far far too many of my nights have played out. When we do make love, I feel like he is just doing me a favor. He doesn’t always climax, nor does he care. He just wants me to get relief/ORG. I wish he longed and hurt for me like I do him. He is happy to help me masterbate with his hands. I appreciate his touch and contribution. But it’s a far cry from becoming one flesh as God intended. It hurts my heart. I can’t imagine having a loving kind sexual wife, that’s wanting you so badly and all you want to do is help her masterbate. And that’s it for another week or two????
    I lay awake for hours over this. I’ve inquired on the phone , in front of my husband with different health food stores if there is something I can take to diminish Libido. I read about spearmint tea. I told my husband about it and he helped me call around trying to find some. I don think I am overly sexual, I could be happy with twice a week. Also a huge disappointment comes from sexless Caribbean weeklong cruises. This has happen too many times.
    That really hurts my feelings. Your on a cruise. I bought all these sexy outfits for our cruise before last and never even took them out of the suit case. He would come in and go right to bed and asleep. We talked a lot before our last cruise and how that hurt me and how disappointing it happened again??? Are u kidding me?
    I asked him if he was just playing games with me or being passive aggressive? He said NO of course not. I can not imagine doing that.
    I truly believe my husband is ASEXUAL romantic. He wants to be married and in a relationship he enjoys touch and holding hands. Just doesn’t want or need sex. That’s why he is happy just to help me climax with his hands.
    Which is very sad, because I know he will never want me sexually like I want him. He never has in 26 years. He loves me, is respectful, generous and kind but has no interest in making love /sex. When we have sex, I always know he is just doing this for me. It feels good to be touched and get relief but sometimes even while I’m climaxing I start feeling bad and selfish. I always feel bad afterwards, because I know he is just doing it for me. As soon as I finish he doesn’t care if he does or not most of the time.
    I have tried to not watch or listen to anything that makes me think of or want sex. I have tried to be disciplined about my desires and not masterbate or anything but it doesn’t work. I am a sexual being and I can’t turn it off. I can get mad and hurt for a while, but he is a good loving man and it just makes me want him. A sexuality is real. Just as real as there are people that are sexual .
    This problem has been there ever since we got married. We waited to have sex until after marriage. We did talk about sex and how much we were
    Looking forward to getting married and enjoying it. I wanted God to bless us and I wanted to wait and he respected me for it. It has been this way since the first day. After the wedding we got to the hotel took showers , there was. No foreplay, he just took me and it was Over in 10 mins. I was a little surprised but I felt like he had been waiting for me for a year. I thought we would do it again later but no, he was all into other things and that’s how it started and I have spent a life time of trying to do all the right things. I have always treated my husband with respect. I Opened my own very successful business before we. We’re married , I love to cook and bake, I am a blond haired blue eyed southern girl. My husband says I have the sweetest voice he’s ever heard. I even bought a nice boat, I thought we could go out on the boat and relax together had it kept at a marina, so there wouldn’t be a lot of work to use it. They put it in the water and take it out and clean it, all we had to do was bring a cooler. The marina even had the ice-free :-).
    I imagined us out on the water and maybe haveing a little fun when away from any people. LOL >That never happened and my husband did’t care much about the boat either so I sold it. My husband is highly educated and successful in his career. I have been right by his side in recent years when he had a few health issues. He has never had any problems with ED. Which it seems like such a waist when it’s such a nice healthy member. He is not generous with it at all !
    I am sure there are plenty of men with desire but ED is their problem.
    May God be with us all.
    We have been to a Christian councilor last year didn’t really change anything. I don’t think he knew what to make of us. I think we were like meeting leprechauns. His suggestions we had all tried on our on.
    I have never told anyone about this problem, so it was good to at least talk about it. He said some very nice prayers over our marriage.
    Tonight is one of those many many nights I can’t sleep. My husband got me going saying he wanted to go straight to bed, but he meant to watch TV. I was thinking he meant to make love, so all day I am Thinking grown up married lady thoughts of things I would love to do with my husband I love. I’m so silly.
    I just never ever learn. I don’t know how I can be so Naive. I am so in need of his attention and wanting him so badly, trying to be disciplined about my sexual needs. I can’t even think straight.
    I guess it just clouds my since of reality. I should so know better.
    It just seems like sex should be so organic. To me I Need of course GOD food water and sex. Everything else is negotiable. 🙂
    Give me wisdom father.

  34. D says:

    To frustrated wife, I’m know how you feel I guess I’m like you except it’s my wife that won’t let me touch her, it’s been soo long it’s to the point now she doesn’t want me sleeping in the bed with her, I sleep on couch or other room now so believe me I know a little about how you feel, it gets very lonely especially because I’m retired now at 55, I find myself trying to do things like staying in shape, being clean, anything that might arouse her attention for me but ofcourse nothing ever happens it’s been around 6 or 7 years, I honestly don’t remember the last time we were intamate, I’m growing tired of trying to be patient , I’m becoming so resentful, and don’t really try very hard anymore, I do love her but what to do it’s almost like she wants me to grow tired of this and leave I don’t know, I’m so confused anymore, I still get looks by women and it’s soo flattering because of the attention from a woman, I find myself looking and wondering when other women talk to me and smile, but it’s been so pond I probably wouldn’t know how to initiate, I know it’s wrong to even think like that but when a man is starving all he thinks about is food, and I think I’m starving sexually, I just don’t understand I’m not a bad man, I provide, I clean , I do things that a husband should do, but she tells me that she doesn’t need me, how hurtful is that, it cuts to my soul! Now that I’m home she tries to work six days a week and when she is home she’s not home usually at the store or somewhere, am I just so foolish and in love with her that I can’t see what’s going on, I pray for us but I’m starting to think that maybe somethings weren’t meant to be, but I’m old now to start over, is it better to live alone and be lonely than to live with my wife and be lonely, please we all need advise, me and all the others here, I’m just so tired of trying she doesn’t even sit with me or next to me, I don’t smoke or stink I’ve been told that I’m handsome I have tried everything including counciling I just wish I had a women to talk to as a friend, sorry for the drama

  35. D says:

    This is D just an update to earlier I tried tapping my wife in the butt and she got really upset , HOW LONG HOW LONG!!! I’m not a bad man but I’m not allowed to make love to , touch her , sleep with her in the same bed, we are like roommates and it’s not fair please what’s going on ? Am I too close can’t see the forest threw the trees, I sure could use some advise please, I do love very much and do all that is expected of a husband but still nothing, please I need advice

  36. D says:

    My wife hasn’t been intamate with me for at least 6-7 years she has asked me to sleep in other room about a year now, she says she loves me, but doesn’t need me! What a terrible thing to say to a man who lives to provide for his wife, well I realize just recently why she said she said that she doesn’t need me, during the early morning hours when she thinks I’m asleep I can hear her relieving herself in our bedroom, wow I feel so useless and unnecessary we have been married for a long time but I don’t think I can take this I’m tired of waiting for her to want me I try to stay in shape and look nice hoping she would want me but I can’t do this no more, I’m tired! It’s not right I’m a good man this isn’t right!!!!!!

  37. D says:

    Hi, I’ve been married over 30 years, she in the last seven or more I can’t remember anymore will not be intamate with me, not once now over a year now she’s asked me to sleep elsewhere (sofa) I really don’t know what’s going on she doesn’t like talking bout it, she just gives me her back, and yet when she thinks I’m sleepn in other room sometimes I get up to use bathroom and I can hear her heavy breathing and moaning so I walk in quietly and there she is relieving herself, I’m not saying that’s bad I’m just asking why won’t she let me touch her I have a little experience in that, I don’t know what’s going on I’m starting to think bad thoughts about her and where she goes, I just need a little advice I’m not a bad looking man or so I’ve been told by ladies I don’t understand what does a man do ? Divorse, affair, or just walk away she doesn’t seem to care , I’m just resentful and angry because this stuff goes on almost every night!

  38. J says:

    I have no desire to pursue her, in fact I really couldn’t care less whether or not we have sex. I hate how sex plays such a critical role in a healthy relationship, yet the cat and mouse game of pursuit is such hard work that I find myself exhausted asking if it’s really worth it. She’s not a bad person, and she’s done nothing to deserve such a harsh reaction from me. She deserves to get what she wants, but it’s not coming from me. I’m tired! My life hasn’t been enriched by my marriage, it’s only brought heartache and suffering. Screw love…be alone.

  39. Pingback: How to Get an A+ in Foreplay | Intimacy in Marriage

  40. Lisa says:

    Thank you for your post. I have been married for only 6 months and my husband rarely pursues me. It’s really hurting me inside. I feel very undesirable and down about myself now. When we were preparing for marriage and discussed the subject of intimacy with each other and our leaders he said that he wanted to 20+ plus times a month. But every since we have been married he doesn’t try to touch me or show interest in me that way. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I have tried a lot of different things to encourage him to pursue me (clothes, games, affection, etc…) and show him that I want him to pursue me, but he doesn’t. I am the one to pursue him and feel like he’s just doing it out of duty. He will notice that something is bothering me and I have talked to him about it multiple times and asked what I am doing wrong or if I need to change something or what he needs me to do. I told him that I would do anything if he needs me to so that I am desirable to him. He says that he is satisfied and that he knows that I pursue him more and that he will pursue me more, but then doesn’t. It hurts me very much and I know that it’s not right to stop communicating, but if I ask him about it and share how I feel multiple times and he doesn’t pursue me then I feel no point in discussing it anymore. I don’t want to be a broken record with my feelings and hurt. Now I just try to hide my pain and cry and pray when he isn’t home. Aside from being physically intimate, we have a lot of hobbies in common and enjoy a lot together. But in the area of physical intimacy I feel very lonely. Very defeated. Very undesired. Does anyone have any advice?

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