Okay, if I knew how to turn on your husband, that would not be a good thing.
I do, however, know how to turn on my husband (beyond the very obvious technique of not allowing the kids to destroy the yard with the Slip n’ Slide, but I digress…).
Some sex books proclaim that guys are really simple creatures and if you just feed them and feign that you are merely available for sex, then all their wildest fantasies are fulfilled.
I’m not really in the camp of relegating guys as “simple creatures” that get all wide-eyed at even the slightest sexual proposition. Honestly, stereotyping of this sort can get dangerously close to being more of a put-down than a mere observation. And I don’t want to put down your husband or my husband or any husband for that matter.
“So,” you may be wondering, “What camp are you in, Julie?”
I am 100% in the camp of husbands and wives figuring out how to turn each other on.
This means we have to discard the sexually-saturated presumptions doled out by media. We have to become students (if your mind is flashing back to that hot college professor you had a crush on, snap out of it. Stay with me here. Focus.)
How do you become a student of your husband?
A good place to start is with a little experimentation. No, I’m not simply talking about new positions or other adventures, although there is a place for all of that too.
What I am talking about is getting out of the routine of every sexual encounter following the same script. In too many marriages, that “script” has been followed to a tee so many times that it is about as entertaining as old reruns of the Love Boat. I know that show had a good run back in the day, but it really kind of sucked…even back then. And in reruns? Painful.
As a student of your husband, begin at the beginning. (Apparently graduating cum laude has served me well). Start at the beginning. Brilliant. How do you initiate sex with your husband? (Yes, I realize some of you may be saying, “Well, I don’t.”)
Initiation can start early in the day or it can start 5 minutes before you are dropping clothing. What is crucial is that you are paying close attention to the way your husband responds. Smiles and happy noises are good indicators, but you know him better than I do.
Touch is powerful.
Don’t assume that all your husband wants touched is his penis (women make this mistake all the time… like the penis is the only show in town, when really your husband would likely prefer to be touched all over his body in a variety of ways). I can’t figure this out for you, but I can encourage you…. find new ways to touch your husband.
I could tell you how my husband likes to be touched, but that’s sacred knowledge between him and me. If you have no sacred knowledge of this sort between you and your husband, now is the time to get to learning.
Unlike college, you never graduate from this school (yeah, I know…some of you are saying… that’s exactly like college).
My point is that the marital landscape is always serving up new opportunities for couples to grow in their sexual knowledge of each other. I have been pleasantly surprised by things that turn my husband on that I would have never known had I not tried.
A little creativity goes a long way (not just with touch, but with your words…with your eyes…with your playful banter).
So, it’s up to you.
- What are you going to do to turn your husband on?
- What are you going to do to help him learn something new about you?
(Those are rhetorical questions. No need to publicly answer with specifics. Smiles and general comments are welcome though).
I gotta go. I need to get the Slip n’ Slide picked up before it destroys the lawn. My husband will be so happy later. Really, really happy.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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10 thoughts on “How To Turn On Your Husband”
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Nothing I’ve found on the net works with my husband. Our first month together was like “WOW”. But now he won’t kiss me passionantly at all, he wants me to do things for him but thinks it’s nasty to do things for me. He only wants me maybe 3 or 4 times a month and it lasts 10 minutes at the most. Switching positions dosen’t help because he only likes one, anything different irritates him. He dosen’t like for me to talk or anything, just wants to get down to it and then either get up and play a video game or roll over and go to sleep. Nothing I wear turns him on, or not wear. He thinks I’m a sex freak if I want it more then once or twice a week and hates talking about it. I feel so ugly and unattractive and just plain miserable. What do you do in this situation?
@kellye… thank you for commenting and sharing so vulnerably. I am so sorry for the discouragement and pain you are facing in your marriage.
Without knowing your husband, I couldn’t speak specifically to what might be going on. I suggest you write him a letter, lovingly — yet clearly — explaining how important the marriage is to you and how you have felt pain and rejection in this area of sex. Tell him how deeply you love him and that because of that love, you want the two of you to to have not just an “okay” marriage, but a strong enjoyable marriage, including sexual intimacy that you both enjoy and nurture. Also share with him that you want him to be able to talk to you about anything that he may be struggling with.
If he still does not want to talk and address the issue, suggest marriage counseling. Even if he won’t go, I encourage you to go on your own… not only to get good insights from a Christian counselor, but also to demonstrate to your husband how committed you are to doing all you can to strengthen the marriage.
Continue to pray for your marriage as well, that God would give you wisdom on how to address the lack of genuine intimacy, and at the same time reveal to you that your husband is accountable for his actions as well.
In other words, this is not about you being ugly or unattractive (I understand how the rejection makes you feel that way, but this truly is an issue where your husband is making choices that are not in the best interest of his marriage… he is the one being careless and indifferent by not being willing to work toward healthier communication and interaction).
I am so sorry for what you are going through. My heart does go out to you that your husband will see that he has room to grow in being more self-less and compassionate when it comes to loving you intimately.
im new in this block and i just got married!my husband works far from home and i feel lyk wenever he around he gets bored cous i think im not intresting wen in comes to our sex life
You know, I really appreciate your site. I tend to want intimacy more often than my husband and this worries me, but I’ll try to incorporate your advice from above. I have a wonderful husband who seems to be more…shall we say “reserved” than me in the bedroom and sometimes, I admit, I get a little too excited and forget that HE needs to be romanced and experience love-making and not just sex. Like me. I want him to spend the extra time and attention on me, so shouldn’t I extend the same courtesy to him? I appreciated your simple and well-written pieces of advice and will sincerely try to take them to heart. Thanks again, and hopefully the next time I look something up on google it will be along the lines of “Help! I’m having too much amazing sex!”
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Coming from a male perspective, I can say that, often times, the underlying cause(s) for lack of communication, unimaginative sex, short duration, and/or seemingly little interest or effort are often misconstrued as lack of desire and/or lack of attraction. Most males are reluctant to address or even admit low confidence or limited knowledge… ESPECIALLY regarding sex. There is likely nothing more emasculating to a man than poor sexual performance. A man may NEVER admit that low sexual confidence is the root cause, as admitting to such so detrimental to the male ego, and denial (the most powerful psychological defense mechanism) is easier. There are certain psychological conditions which inhibit a man’s sexual performance (I suggest researching them, and how to DELICATELY deal with them). He may desperately want to fulfill a woman’s sexual desires, but his fear and denial prevent him from doing so. The “You can’t fail if you don’t try.” method is applied, and the results are feelings of inadequacy for BOTH partners. I can assure you that an overwhelming majority of sexual intimacy issues can be improved significantly by the man gaining knowledge and confidence. The number of males who truly have no concern for being a satisfying sexual partner and are simply just selfish and/or uninterested are few (if they exist at all). I would look into confidence level first and foremost, but also consider medical issues, such as low testosterone levels, side effects of blood pressure issues, etc.
I speak from direct experience, as I had to face such issues with my own wife. She even considered that I might have been being unfaithful because of my SEEMING lack of interest. My wife is absolutely gorgeous, but the combination of fear (which I was, at first, reluctant to admit and address) and a pituitary dysfunction (which caused low T, BP issues, etc.) lead me to avoid sexual intimacy, and caused a cascading series of issues. I don’t mean to brag, but, after addressing said issues, my wife is… extremely satisfied, shall we say. She’s satisfied so much so that her friends and co-workers noticed her improved disposition and confidence and express their envy, while asking for advice. It becomes a positive, self-perpetuating cycle of confidence, togetherness, love, and comfort that reinforces and strengthens marriage when sexual intimacy issues are appropriately addressed and improve. I apologize for the wordiness, but I hope this is helpful, and wish you all the best.
I totally agree with kellye! I mean nothing works worst case though I’m only 19 I thought I could bye time and have this problem like near my 40 :/ sadly not though!