Husbands, this post is for you (although I hope your wife reads it too. Better yet, I hope you read it together.)
Does your wife have a hard time climaxing when the two of you have sex?
Do you suspect she is faking orgasm, either to protect your ego or to bring the sexual encounter to a close quicker?
Do you think you are supposed to intuitively know all the nuances of her body, when in reality, you haven’t got a clue? (Not your fault, guys. The female body is baffling landscape. Even we don’t fully understand it about 80% of the time).
Do you long for her to embrace pleasure — even pursue it with you — to the point that you both are eager to initiate?
Some women may try to minimize the importance of orgasm, but reality tells us otherwise.
When sex is pleasurable, we are more likely to want it and be enthusiastic about it.
On the other hand, when sex is regularly void of orgasm, we are are more likely to have a ho-hum attitude about it. We glance at lovemaking in passing and half-heartedly admit, “Hey, maybe we’ll get around to this to someday.”
And then someday rarely or never comes.
Yet God’s design is sexual pleasure for both a husband and a wife. God was not stingy in this regard. Universally, men and women who experience orgasm agree that the sensation is unlike any other. And God designed that… God created orgasm. Go. God.
For as long as I’ve been speaking and writing on sexual intimacy in marriage, I’ve never backed down from this stand: Orgasm isn’t everything, but it is a very strong something.
If your wife is having difficulty climaxing, here are 5 ways you can help her:
1. Explain to her why her sexual pleasure matters to you.
Too many wives downplay their own orgasm, because they think sex is nothing more than their “duty.” As long as the husband is satisfied, then all is good — at least that’s the skewed line of thinking perpetuated, particularly among some Christian women.
My BS meter is fairly accurate on that sort of thinking. And yours should be too.
Carve out some time to talk to your wife about this. Tell her that her sexual pleasure matters to you, because you love her.
Remind her that you consider it a high honor to sexually please her and that you want nothing but God’s best for her as a wife. Orgasm is part of God’s best for her as a married woman. Far be it from you to cheat her out of that — or to let her cheat herself out of it.
2. Tell her you don’t know what you’re doing.
This seems so brazen for me to put this out there like this, but I actually find it an admirable quality.
No one can be an expert on anything without some guidance and teaching, and this goes for you being an expert on your wife’s body as well.
It’s not a character flaw that you don’t know how to bring your wife to orgasm. But I do think it is a character flaw on her part if she puts that sort of assumption on you.
A better approach?
Through a good mix of trial and error, feedback and each of you actually saying “this is what feels good,” I believe any married couple can mine the depths of incredible sexual pleasure.
Ask her what feels good. Be specific.
Sure, you’ll likely get some cues from her physical and verbal reactions if you’re on the right track, but never underestimate the power in saying to her…
Do you like it when I do this?
Will you tell me and show me what arouses you?
Word to the wise — the clitoris typically needs more stimulation than either a husband or wife initially realize. No, lovemaking is not all about her clitoris, but for her to orgasm, you have to become incredibly familiar with that part of her body.
3. Invest more time in foreplay.
This is not a news flash. Generally speaking, it takes a woman’s body more time to warm up to the idea of sex, let alone the idea of sexual pleasure.
To use an analogy, let’s say you and your wife are going to a musical concert of a performer you really both love.
Yes, seeing the main performer is a huge highlight of the evening, right? But what makes that highlight all the more enjoyable is everything leading up to it — anticipating a date night, dining at a restaurant beforehand, arriving early enough to the venue so you don’t feel rushed, taking in the sites and sounds of the atmosphere, enjoying the opening act that gets your heart pounding, etc.
If you want the main event to wow you both, don’t underestimate the power of foreplay. For more reading, check out How to Get an A+ in Foreplay.
4. Reassure her that sex isn’t just about sex.
This is the one that trips up a lot of wives. They grow resentful because they think that sex for their man is just about the sex.
Nearly every husband I hear from tells me otherwise.
Sex isn’t just about sex. It’s about connecting with the person you love. It’s about feeling safe and affirmed. It’s about agreeing with God that marriage is different from any other relationship. It’s about “I want you to want me.”
Get vulnerable and specific, and tell her what it means to you when the two of you make love.
Together read 3 Reasons Your Husband Likes It When You Climax and 3 Things Your Husband Wants in Bed.
5. Genuinely build your friendship when your clothes are on.
Life is so darn crazy, what with the demands of parenting, working, and juggling a million other responsibilities that are hell bent on dividing you and your spouse.
No, you can’t put all those responsibilities on hold. But, with some intention, you can make your marriage a priority in the midst of all the chaos. Ironically, when a husband and wife put a strong emphasis on nurturing their relationship, they are better equipped to navigate the frenzy of daily life.
When I say genuinely build your friendship, I’m not just talking about an occasional night out. I’m talking about weaving into the fabric of your life authentic friendship.
How do the two of you talk to each other? What do you talk about? Are you able to be real with each other about your insecurities, hopes, fears, dreams, disappointments? Do you laugh together? Are you supportive of each other? Do you physically and verbally show affection to each other on a regular basis?
Those are some mighty challenges, I know. But don’t shy away from them.
Within the intimacy of marital friendship, you will find the keys to amazing sexual pleasure.
If you want your wife to not just experience orgasm, but to crave it with you, the above 5 insights are a good place to start.
My heart’s desire is that countless married couples courageously read this article together, all in the name of fighting for their marriage (maybe in a way they’ve never fought for it before).
Will you be one of those couples?
For more reading on orgasm, check out The Orgasm Page on my site.
Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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23 thoughts on “5 Ways to Help Your Wife Have an Orgasm”
Loved your post Julie…You do an Awesome job on your posts about sex and marriage.. Wife and I enjoy reading your blog… I have a question what do say to help a wife that is on meds and her sex drive is low and does not orgasm probably no more than 1 to 2 times a month even though her and her husband have sex regularly. She knows as a wife she need to pleasure him sexually and love him but most of the time she has no orgasm. We have been doing a small group study in our home on sex and marriage and have become close friends with this couple and they have shared their concern with us.
@JAMES WITTER… Great question! Definitely will address this in a future blog post.
Always appreciate you stopping by to read and to comment… thank you!
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Really good post!
I think too many times we wives do get the message that sex is more about the husband’s needs than our own. We hear so often that we wives need to fulfill our duty of sexually pleasing our husbands because they need sex on a regular basis, but rarely do we hear the message that wives NEED sex too or perhaps a better way to put it — husband AND wives both have a need for sex.
I personally get weary of reading blog after blog which talks about wives making sure their husbands get plenty of BJs and hand jobs to keep them satisfied in between the days when no intercourse happens. Yet very rarely does anyone say that wives too need to be satisfied.
On the contrary, you often read that women do not need to orgasm to enjoy sex and honestly, I get so tired of hearing that. Maybe an O isn’t all there is when having sex, but if men were to only O maybe a quarter of the time during sex they might not be clamoring for it that much either!
It would be an interesting experiment to reverse roles where it’s the husband only giving his wife OS and hand jobs, and then only climaxing during intercourse a couple times monthly. I don’t think too many men would be very happy with that scenario! LOL
But we also cannot lay all the blame on husbands for their wives not climaxing. We women have a hard time getting out of our heads when it comes to sex. We may have a hard time asking for what we need, being able to relax and let go, and not watching the clock thinking we are taking too long or are somehow broken if we need other stimulation besides intercourse to climax. All those things can be a huge hindrance in not achieving an O during sex.
As much as our husbands may be willing to help us get there and do not care how much time we take or how we get there, we wives have to learn to extend ourselves a little grace and allow ourselves to embrace our sexuality.
And for those of us fortunate enough to have a husband who is willing to take the time needed for us we need to accept that as a beautiful gift from them to us.
Beautifully and well written! I so want to share this article with my husband, but he often tends to get on the defensive side or thinks I am “nagging” when I am only trying to make improvements for BOTH of us. After nearly 14 years of marriage, we have finally recently gotten around to more mutual pleasure where I used to feel there was a lot of selfishness and things were mainly one sided, not for the mutual benefit of both. Excellent article. I hope I can find a way to share without causing him to feel defensive or worse yet, like he is inadequate. I feel a lot of the reason he has been unwilling to please me in the past, was due to a lack of confidence and just flat out refusal due to whatever past issues he had that was keeping him from moving forward and manually stimulating me due to some fears or phobias or feeling like touching my body was “gross” or “dirty” when I knew that my body was not “gross” or “dirty” but I felt very rejected for a long time, due to his unwillingness to touch certain body parts. Thankfully we have found a way around his fears or phobia, but it’s been a slow process and taken a ton of communication to get to the place we are now. Excellent article, Julie!!
I want to enjoy sex with my husband, I want to experience the things I read about in this blog but…I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I love my husband and we have a great relationship, a true friendship, so on that front we’re good. I just don’t enjoy being touched, at all. I can’t stand for my husband (or anyone) to be in my personal space. No, I’ve never been abused or molested and I’m a healthy 32 year old woman, so that’s what is so confusing and frustrating. I’ve been married for 8 years, and I want to feel about sex the way the ladies on this blog feel, but I don’t know what to do. My husband is probably more frustrated that I am and I am so hurt for him so I do my best not to show how irritated I am when he gets too close to me or touches me but I know he knows because he now avoids intimacy. On one hand I’m relieved but then I’m worried about how this is affecting him. I’m just frustrated.
The point is that when you help your wife to have an Orgasm always, she will always respond to you when you need her. Men who jump on top of their wives and penetrate when their wives are not fully ready, their wives hardly achieve an orgasm.
That you wife is with you on bed does not mean that she is fully ready for your penetration and having actual sex with her. That is why as a man you should pay attention and implement the five points mentioned above especially the number three(3).
Very well said, vincent!!
I used to get so frustrated when I was sound asleep and got a rude awaking at 4 or 4:30 in the morning in the form of my husband rolling over on top and waking me up with zero warning or foreplay.
Thankfully that hasn’t happened in a long time. I loved my husband, but that gesture made me feel more like a sex object than anything or feeling like only his needs were being met in that middle of the night or super early wake up call. I never talked to him about it, but I should have, but I did end up doing a lot of praying about it and it hasn’t happened in a long time thankfully and things are much different now, thank the Lord than how they used to be.
I wholeheartedly agree with this post but I do want to caution husbands to not make the orgasm everything; focus on pleasure. I have always had no trouble reaching orgasm in my marriage (well, once I learned how anyway, lol), but I am currently breastfeeding and on an antidepressant for PPD. I still love and want sex, but achieving orgasm is very difficult as a result, and for a while my husband was so disappointed when I couldn’t climax that I started shying away from sex altogether because he made it such a downer. We finally had a good talk where I explained that I can feel sexually satisfied even if I don’t orgasm and that if he would be willing to leave it up to me whether to go for it, I will actually be more likely to get there without all that pressure to get there! And I was right, for the record. 😉 We focus on pleasure right now, not orgasm, and it has been fantastic.
Nice post. I feel you should talk to her & listen what she wants. Make her feel comfortable by playing some romantic music. Play adult games, talk fantasies, use ice on her nipples, use your hand and eyes, have sex on different locations.
Sometimes, men need to accept they cannot do anything. My bride simply refuses to have an orgasm. If she starts getting close, she makes me stop, and if I miss the clues she sends, she’ll violently push me off or disengage, then yell and scream. She completely refuses OS nowadays (my guess she gets too close, but I refuse to try and analyze her.) It doesn’t matter what state I’m in. Time to Stop is Time to Stop.
Assuming she wasn’t lying, she has only climaxed once, early in our relationship (this was before we came into the Truth). That was the first time she said she loved me. Actually screaming “I do, I really do love you,” quite surprised–only time she has ever been loud during sex–then completely took over while I watched on in amazement as “Harry met Sally”, too shocked to use that opportunity to reach climax myself. Then she was done and it was Time to Stop.
I’m positive there is an issue there, but she does not discuss it, gets defensive when mentioned. But I treasure that moment and replay that scene etched into my mind during those times when I begin to doubt her love for me. And have learned to be content with what she can give, being loving, strong and supportive so maybe, one day, with God’s help, we can repeat that one performance on a regular basis.
I’ve tried teaching my husband what I like, he says he has ADHD so he can’t spend more time on foreplay or use the kinds of touches i like because they are boring. I dread sex, I feel rushed, roughed up, and tense every time. Then he’s irritable at me because I didnt climax. Im never going to enjoy sex am I? I may as well just come to terms with that fact..
Victoria, that is no way to go through life, man. My hopes for your husbands change in desire and figuring out how to properly please a woman. It’s one of the greatest gifts a man can obtain.
3 Words: Hitachi Wonder Wand
Get it at Amazon.
Can use it during sex too.
Just want to point out that studies show that women take about the same amount of time to orgasm while masturbating that men take. It’s not that women can’t, or don’t want to orgasm, or don’t know how! The issue isn’t that she can’t orgasm, so much as physiologically, penetrative sex and orgasm are basically two different activities for the human female. If men would only understand this fact about female sexuality and act accordingly, I believe a lot of bedrooms would suddenly be getting way more action.
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I so wish my husband would read this or allow me to read this to him. He gets so angry once this topic comes up. He NEVER does foreplay, I’ve asked him countless times to, he says it’s boring! He just wants to put ‘it’ in and finish. Then say to me, it’s my fault I didn’t orgasm. I’m longing for foreplay. Right now as I type this, I’m so emotional, he doesn’t give me the love I need, the feeling that I’m loved. He thinks by going to work everyday and putting food on the table is enough love.
How I wish I could orgasm just from him. Whenever we have sex,I try so hard to orgasm(I play with myself while we have sex).. he won’t and can’t do it for me.
I feel like giving up on my sex life with him, I love him dearly but I’m dying inside.
Can anyone give me advice?
What a wonderful article, I wish that lots of men will read this article. Of a truth, men who know how to give their wife orgasm, such men will never complain about sex denial as their wives are always ready for them knowing full well that they will enjoy the sex union themselves.
Why don’t you answer comments?
There is no way in HELL I would give my wife an organism. I won’t even touch her! I don’t sleep with her, nor talk or even want to be close to her. I hope maybe some one else is making her happy. Married 53 years and its like being married to Godzilla.
I’m still hearing that her pleasure and orgasm is for him no matter how many times I read this blog post. Most women are only too aware how much he enjoys her orgasm but to emphasize this to her only piles on the pressure. I have tried to understand why so many Christian and secular advice platforms are so keen to burden her with the knowledge that his pleasure isn’t complete if she doesn’t orgasm. I just don’t see how this will help. This is about helping her to get there. If she doesn’t, then he should be content with the pleasure she does experience. I can’t see this any other way.
We have been at it for 37+ years. We both had expectations about sex before we married. 25 and 23 no idea how to or what sex was really all about. Then life happened lots of life our marriage was based on commitment and not sex. Yet sex was really important to us. We were and still are an incomparable couple. But we worked it out after the kids were grown and out of the house. When I read all that is said about giving the wife a great wonderful orgasm we get that. It works we finally know each others desire every time we have sex it’s a little differant even though we are restricted on what we can do with eachothers bodies. It was well worth the time and effort. She is very loud when it comes and I all whys enjoy that.
I think this will be too late for Tanalle, but for anyone else in her situation, this is where you set your boundaries. If it’s got to the point where he is getting his pleasure at the expense of her’s and he won’t listen to her, then she lets him know how serious this is, and until he starts listening and agreeing to work with her, then there will be no more sex until he does! Husbands like this really need to have their eyes opened.