Are you and your spouse sexually playful?
Or do you wish you were sexually playful and just aren’t sure how to make all that fun sexy foolishness happen?
Well, good news. Sexual playfulness is one of the easiest sex skills to learn. I mean, it is way easier than learning the wheelbarrow position. Because that position is not easy.
It needs a warning label. And a physical therapist on standby.
But sexual playfulness has lots of possibilities that all of us average everyday people can do!
Here are 3 rules to live by:
1. Don’t tease unless you plan on following through.
I knew a guy in college who loved the chase. He was a master flirt. He had all these smooth ways to woo a girl, but then once he had her, he lost interest. Sexually teasing in a marriage without following through is kind of like that.
It is making a promise that sounds good in the moment, but then when it comes time to show up, you either forget completely about the promise made earlier or you postpone it indefinitely.
So to make sexual playfulness genuinely mean something, it has to more often than not lead somewhere. And that somewhere better involve nakedness, sexual pleasure, sheets in disarray, and your kid possibly saying, “What on earth was going on in there? I swear I heard cat noises. Mom, why is shirt now on backwards?”
Does sexual playfulness have to lead somewhere immediately? No.
But you can’t joke around with your husband in a sexually suggestive way and think that he isn’t going to want you to take those suggestions to the next level within a reasonable amount of time. Maybe later that evening? Maybe the next night? You get the idea.
For more reading, check out Don’t Tease Unless You’re Going to Follow Through.
2. Tell each other what you find sexually playful.
If you have never been sexually playful with your spouse, you both may find it helpful to actually point this out. Maybe say, “I would love it if we could joke around more sexually. I just want us to be more playful with each other in that way.”
Now if this is totally out of character for both of you, you may also have to let your defenses down. Sexual playfulness at its best isn’t going to be scripted. Certainly, if there is something you absolutely do not find playful, express this. But as you both are finding your way to what you each do like, you will have to learn to not be so easily offended.
So when you’re making chocolate shakes for your kids and your husband looks at you playfully and says, “I know a better way we could use that ice cream and chocolate syrup,” don’t be so quick to discount his friskiness.
Instead, smile and say, “Well, if only we had some caramel sauce, too. You know how I like caramel sauce.”
For some husbands and wives, sexual playfulness comes in the form of inside jokes and innuendos that have shared meaning for only the two of them. Along these lines, this is why I always say that if you are going to do any sexting with your spouse, you’d be wise to use code words.
Imagine if you meant to text your husband and accidentally texted your neighbor something like, “You know what I really need? Some pineapples, that’s what.” Well, you can backtrack your way out of that embarrassment.
Not so easy to do if your text said something like, “Hey, it’s been awhile since you let me strip you down and check your fruit. Meet me in the produce aisle… uh, I mean our bedroom… at 10.” Hmmm. The neighborhood barbecue just got awkward.
As is the case with any phenomenal sexual intimacy, couples who learn to give and receive feedback usually figure out what is sexually arousing and affirming. And what is not. Try being playful and you’ll find your way.
3. Maintain good exclusivity.
Sexually suggestive comments, good-natured sexual humor, and frisky hands all can be incredibly arousing — until one spouse feels the amusement has jeopardized the exclusivity of their intimacy.
If you are around other people or in a public place, you have to have discernment on what is appropriate exuberance versus what is embarrassing to your spouse.
If your playfulness becomes too descriptive and other people are privy to this, the desired outcome may ultimately be nixed. Suffice to say, you gotta know when too much is just too much. Especially if you’re in the middle of Home Depot or sitting at your kid’s basketball game.
And even if you and your spouse are not easily embarrassed, you still need to keep the sexual details to a minimum when being sexually playful in the presence of others.
Funny story along these lines.
Right now, neither my husband nor I are wearing our wedding rings. He actually hasn’t worn his since March 2017 because of a lawnmower accident where he cut off the tip of his ring finger. I haven’t worn mine since just a few weeks ago (you can see that story here).
So we were sitting around laughing about our apparent “availability” and this led into a conversation about would either of us get married again if the other died. My husband said he wouldn’t, but I said, “I think I probably would. I just love sex so much!”
My husband laughed and said, “Yup. This is true about you.” Of course, our college-aged son was sitting there and shook his head in a way that clearly conveyed the last thing he really wanted to hear his mom say is how much she loves sex.
My husband smiled, glanced at our son and said, “See what I’m dealing with here?”
It was good-hearted playfulness. Had I gone into detail about what exactly I love about sex — well, that would have been too much. At least for our son.
For more reading, don’t miss these posts:
3 Ways to Have More Fun During Sex
Anything is Foreplay if You Want it to Be
Copyright 2018, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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7 thoughts on “Sexual Playfulness in Your Marriage: 3 Rules to Live By”
Sadly my wife does #1 way too much with no follow through. She gets tired, distracted or whatever. Even tho I’ve told her how it crushes me she still does it. I’ve started to believe she does it on purpose. I’ve pretty much given up on us having a healthy sex life as she’s happy with 1x a week, ignoring me the rest of the week. If she does flirt or give off sexuall hints she wont follow through. 10 yrs of marriage and I feel like I’m just a paycheck an end to a mean and her 1x a week is just to keep me “happy”
Being playful would be fun but both of us come from very conservative backgrounds. We find it immensely difficult just to talk about our sex life, let alone being playful.
Hopeless, u got it better than u think 1 time a week is better than some. Maybe most. I’ve found that no matter what we feel about sex it is always God’s. The cure isn’t making it what we want but what God wants. That means understanding, sympathy, & negotiation is needed between the spouses. It also means us adjusting to God. It’s His & He can maneuver our rough waters. I find when the low drive spouse adjusts up a little & the high drive spouse adjusts down a little is where the two have the best potential to become one. At least that attitude will set the base on which to build. Hope this isn’t salt in the wound because I do sympathize with you. Jesus came to give hope. My wife & I found that hope. I found I had to stop approaching sex with what I wanted. I had to look at it with God’s mind. Instead of fearing not having sex & living by that I had adjust to live in fear of God. God would still have a plan even if my wife or I physically could not do sex anymore. His plan would be for us to be like Jesus to the other. That is a life that stands tall sex or not. I kno this isn’t the easiest path, but I kno it has worked. Nothing is perfect this side of heaven. Never will be. But the hard way is a road promised to lead to life.
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