body image, intimacy, marriage problems, orgasm, passion, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Want Better Sex? ONE Thing You Must STOP First.
Jan
Do you want better sex in your marriage? Does your spouse want that, too?
The crux of many couples’ sexual intimacy struggles is that one person wants intimacy to get better and the other spouse is completely satisfied with unhealthy status quo.
And status quo may really suck. Like it is so bad. And maybe has been for years. If that describes your situation, I am heartbroken for you and with you.
Occasionally, though, I hear from individuals and couples who are like, “Enough already. I’m ready for something to change. I’m ready for sex to be full of hope and connection rather than despair and distance.”
Do you want better sex? Is your spouse hungering for better sex, too?
If so, what’s the one thing you must STOP first? Look at the below list, and claim which statement(s) best describes the stumbling blocks in your sexual intimacy.
I challenge you to print this list and actually circle the statements that resonate with you. EVEN BETTER, print two copies, and have your spouse circle the statements too. Then compare your two lists to generate authentic conversation toward something better in your sexual intimacy.
For better sexual intimacy, I need to STOP…
…feeling so inhibited about sex.
…clinging to poor body image.
…standing on false sexual beliefs I was taught while growing up.
…expecting that sex should look like it does in movies.
…limiting our sexual intimacy to only missionary position.
…doubting I can heal from past sexual abuse.
…assuming my spouse will know how to sexually please me without me saying anything.
…thinking I will never have what it takes to sexually please my spouse.
…acting like sex doesn’t matter to our marriage.
…downplaying my own need for orgasm.
…believing that my past promiscuity prevents me from enjoying sex now that I’m married.
…judging my spouse harshly for desiring me sexually.
…ruminating about sexual struggles, instead of actually doing something about them.
…hiding my sexual sin.
…ignoring my spouse’s pleas for more sexual connection.
…pretending there aren’t good Christian resources available that could help us in our sexual intimacy.
Okay, once you have circled what you need to stop, now I want you to look below at how I have taken the above statements and written them as a POSITIVE.
Which of the below POSITIVE statements will you commit to and embrace, all in an effort to have better sex in your marriage?
I am uninhibited about sex and sexual pleasure, because I know God gives us tremendous freedom in the exclusivity of our marriage.
I think positively of myself and my body, knowing I was created in God’s image and that I have what it takes to sexually connect with my spouse.
I embrace a biblical and true view of sex — that God designed it to be holy, beautiful, pleasurable and enriching for a husband and a wife and their marriage. When we make love, I know God rejoices!
I know that real sex is better than movie sex, because real sex is real!
I enjoy more than just missionary position, as my spouse and I find several ways to explore each other’s bodies and make love.
I am healing from past sexual abuse and assault, seeking out all available resources, because I know sex in the right context of a loving marriage is beautiful and sacred.
I give my spouse plenty of feedback so they best understand how to bring me sexual pleasure.
I ask my spouse for feedback and guidance on how I can best sexually please them. I delight in trying new touches and enriching our sexual connection.
I embrace enthusiastically that when we nurture our sexual intimacy, our marriage is stronger and healthier (not only for us, but also for those around us!)
I love it when I climax. It makes me feel wonderful and has such a positive effect on our relationship.
I know that my past is in the past. God has forgiven me, and any promiscuity I once participated in is no longer a stumbling block for us experiencing great sex in our marriage now.
I love that my spouse desires me sexually! I crave the feel of my spouse’s body close to mine.
I recognize our sexual struggles right away and resolve to do something about them. We have what it takes to overcome sexual struggles.
I confess my sexual sin (including the sin of sexual refusal), repent, seek restoration and find good resources to help me.
I listen attentively and respond to my spouse’s sexual pleas, because I know our sexual intimacy adds so much to our marriage. I enjoy bringing my spouse sexual pleasure.
I seek Christian resources on sex, gleaning what applies to our situation and growing in our sexual intimacy.
As with any growth, what it really comes down to is, “Are you willing to take that first step?”
If you want better sex in your marriage, you have to take that first step… and then be committed to taking whatever steps need to happen next.
You’ll notice that in each of the above statements, I have included a link (or a couple of links) to other posts that you may find helpful. The above list is not an exhaustive list, but it can be an initial path.
What ONE thing do you need to STOP doing if you want better sex in your marriage? Sure, you could comment here and tell me. OR a better idea? Tell your spouse.
Copyright 2018, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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So very helpful! T.Y.
“The crux of many couples’ sexual intimacy struggles is that one person wants intimacy to get better and the other spouse is completely satisfied with unhealthy status quo”.
Just wondering who decides what healthy vs. unhealthy intimacy is? What if one person wants intimacy to get kinkier while the other spouse feels their “status quo” intimacy is quite healthy and very satisfying?
Does kink weigh heavier on the healthy end of intimacy? If so, why?
What if the status quo is very healthy but the other spouse wants more? Does that automatically make the healthy status quo become unhealthy? Why does the one who wants change always trump the one who seems satisfied? What if the change causes dissatisfaction and stress for the one who thought they had a healthy satisfying sex life already?
Who decides how a “healthy” sexual intimate sex life is defined?
It is very important that couples talk about sex – what they want and their goals so that they can discuss how they can overcome the hindrances. This article is so helpful.
Debbie – Very interesting questions and ones I’ve wondered about a lot myself. The answer I tend to come back to is the person that wants more is the one that is really defining healthy. Even if status quo is within the accepted range, if one partner wants more, then they see it as an unhealthy situation and compromise is never going to make them feel it’s “healthy”.
What I see in the world around me is a growing trend of unrest. Nobody is satisfied with anything. A good life is not good enough. Everybody is pushing and going to the next level. I think we have roughly 2 groups of people of nearly equal size. Those that can be content with a good life and those that are always seeking more. We just hear from those seeking adventure more because they post online, make the news, are exciting and worthy of news. Those that are content with a good life are boring, not newsworthy and rarely post online.
The desire for more in the sex department is not different, and in fact is part of this same issue. For many sex is the ultimate thrill ride, an adrenaline rush worthy of the chase at any cost. Problem is they develop immunity to the status quo and thus need to constantly escalate to the next level. This causes problems in affairs, pornography, making your partner do things he/she does not want to, etc.
Hard problem with little answers that’s I see, which is why divorce rates are so high.
Julie,
I really appreciated that in this post you dealt more with the mindset of sex and healing from poor body image, abuse, doubts, and ignoring your spouse. Because when I dealt with so many issues, all the help I could find was just another position, new clothes, or a toy. But that solved nothing because I was still the same person mentally struggling with the guilt and the issues that I had.
When I finally started addressing each of those concerns, that was when everything started changing for the better. Was it easy? No. But it was exactly what I needed to do.
Thank you for sharing this ~ Johanna
It’s the very same from every married man I know.
Never ever enough sex. It’s like Woody Allen and Annie Hall in sex therapy – Woody – “we hardly ever have sex, only like only 3 times a week” – Annie -“he want sex all the time, like 3 times a week!”. That sums up about half of the world’s marriage problems – if only women had the sex drive of a man. Marriages would last for ever, no man would ever cheat and women would get a heck of a lot more yard work done on a regular basis. Maybe we would even take the trash out every day….