Okay. I can’t lie.
I like my husband better after we have sex.
I mean, not just in those immediate moments.
(Although, those immediate moments… wow. Deliciously astounding, I tell you).
More importantly, though, I like him in the moments and days beyond the bedsheets.
Beyond the knowing. Beyond the climax and the sweat and the raw emotional nakedness and vulnerability.
Yes, I like him better after we have sex. After after.
It occurs to me that it is this residual positive impact of sexual intimacy — this after after — that is woefully overlooked in too many marriages, making it all the easier to overlook sex itself.
Have you considered how your lackadaisical attitude about sex could actually be making it harder to like your spouse?
And the irony, of course, is it is already quite hard to like each other in marriage. Love may be a given because that’s where marriage vows find their footing. But like… well, it’s the liking of each other that equips us to not completely cave under the weight of daily life together.
Marriage — a lot of it, at least — is just plain hard.
What with the daily compromising, financial finagling, parenting conundrums and relentless jumble of details jostling for my attention. And his attention.
Sure, I have my moments of being deliciously romantic. And he does, too.
But that’s not where we live most of the time. It’s really not where any married couple lives most of the time, is it?
When we consider what a married couple must navigate, it is quite astonishing that anyone comes out on the other end of it 40, 50 or 60 years down the road even tolerating each other, let alone in love. And in like.
Yet no one stands at the altar and thinks of building something mediocre. Or unbearable. Or burdensome.
We stand there on the cusp of something extraordinary, bent toward believing that we will indeed buck the odds. Our marriage will be different than others. And in those moments, at least for most of us, it’s as if the assemblies are on our side as well.
We are all in love with the idea of being in love, as the Pink Floyd song echoes.
But an authentic friendship — that you and your spouse take to heart the like aspect of your relationship — is quite crucial to this thing called marriage.
And while some couples may try to argue that they “are already great friends” and as such “don’t need sex” in their marriage, I am a wee bit leery of such reasoning.
Okay, not a wee bit. A lot. A lot leery.
I like my husband better after we have sex, and though I’m not one to wager, I long ago made the connection that the more soul drenching sex we have, the stronger our friendship becomes.
I’m not gonna lie. I like him better after we have sex.
And though that doesn’t make our marriage easy. It makes our marriage easier. Better. Further away from mediocrity and closer to extraordinary. I have no doubt.
Could taking better care of your sexual intimacy in your marriage help the two of you like each other better?
Copyright 2014, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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18 thoughts on “I Like Him Better After We Have Sex”
Great post! And very true.
My hubby and I are best of friends, yet when we haven’t connected sexually in a long time due to his long work hours it feels like the whole relationship is becoming disconnected. I still love and like him, but boy do I LIKE him a whole lot more after we make love! 😉
“Raw emotional nakedness and vulnerability” and “soul drenching sex”–any tips for your readers who are having frequent, pleasurable sex but missing these components you speak of? Do these components emerge over time? Are they worth pursuing? Why? How?
Agree, marriage is hard. It is much like life – a struggle, a challenge the whole way through. Frequent “soul drenching sex” helps the couple to stay connected emotionally. (And avoids the resentment that withholding sex provokes.)
The answer to your final question is YES! I think the proof is seen in all the married couples whose love for each other is still vibrant and alive many years into the marriage.
For me, during my times of sexless marriage, my husband and I both felt TOO friendly. He said that approaching me for sex was like approaching his best friend…as in best GUY friend. It just felt weird and wrong because I made it so obvious that I didn’t want to do it. Being your spouse’s best friend is great…as long as you are also a great lover. And yes, I find that my husband and I BOTH like each other far more when we are frequently intimate.
Great statement! Not too long ago I held a lot of resentment towards my wife to the point that although I really needed to connect with her sexually and intimately, the idea of having terrible and disinterested sex made me not like her. I didn’t love her less of course.
But what you say is 100% spot on. I’ve told my wife if she gives me even 30-45 minutes of her undivided sexual attention once a week I find that my frustration is gone and I will spend the rest of the week loving her better. It isn’t a trade off per se, but I truly do love her more the way she needs me to when she loves me the way I need her to. It’s how we are wired.
We’ve become so much closer over the last couple of months as we both have become more unselfish and loving towards one another the way we both need it. Although sex is a big part of that for me, our renewed friendship and love is an even bigger part. And that is what she needs from me. I can honestly say we both like each other more after sex, but that is because we love each other more before it.
Excellent article Julie!
Great article! This blog and the comments are amazing!
I think what you describe is a sign of a women who is really healthy sexually.
For some women though, while the sex is fabulous, and the lying in one each others arms after sex is incredible, the next morning the feelings toward their husbands aren’t great.
Some women feel emotionally, (even though they know its not really true) their husband really only wants sex from them, and loves their body, but doesn’t really love their whole self. Almost feelings of (yes irrational) like their husband used them or kind of seduced them for sex.
Do you have any thoughts on what causes these feelings and how to get past them? It’s a problem because knowing these feelings will come the morning after definitely tempers the feelings of wanting to have sex.
what was your wife’s response to telling her that? I tried something like this once. Mine responded with “why should I? Just because you have ‘needs’? ”
Reason plays no part in this matter, at least in my experience. And I wouldn’t want to make love to a woman who has been persuaded to give in through an act of reason: it would just seem a bit too close to rape.
TGSantini: I have long pondered what causes these feelings you mention, because they are at the core of sexless marriages. I wonder whether there is a fear of loss if individuality, and personality? As a corresponding response I’d say (to use your phrase) “Some men feel emotionally, (even though they know its not really true) their wife really only wants security from them, and loves their salary/house/garden/car/vacations, but doesn’t really love their whole self” – and refusing sex reinforces this irrational belief.
@SadSam and TGSantini,
I’m trying to remember when I felt like you describe and what may have caused it. Probably had to do with misunderstanding and fear. I knew my husband wanted/needed sex but didn’t/couldn’t believe he wanted ME. His happiness the morning after was because he felt loved and connected, but I believed it had more to do with him feeling he had power over me. I felt I had been used; that I was just a receptacle for his physical release. In my mind, sex and love did not belong together. I got married because it was expected and I certainly knew very little about how the relationship is supposed to work. I was afraid to believe he loved me because that would give him power to hurt me. I wonder if many wives avoid sex because of the natural emotional connection that accompanies it. Being emotionally naked is very frightening. Perhaps they are not deliberately trying to hurt their husbands, but rather, trying to avoid being hurt?
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When we don’t have regular sex due to scheduling conflicts or the kids being sick, etc, the moment we reconnect sexually we both admit that we missed each other intimately. Regular sex just makes us feel like our whole marriage is in sync.
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