authentic, intimacy, sex, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles
3 Reasons Your Husband Likes It When You Climax
A recent email from a male reader drew my attention to something that may be off the radar of many wives. Husbands — at least most and definitely the unselfish ones — truly enjoy it when their wives have an orgasm.
Why? Well, I imagine husbands out there could chime in with a whole list of reasons, but I’ll offer up three today.
When you climax…
1. It affirms to him that he can sexually satisfy the woman he married.
At its core, there is something really manly about that.
Try as we might to push aside “manliness” as a relic from days gone by, the truth is that a man wants to feel like a man. Sadly, in the name of feminism and women’s rights, we too often have stripped men of the God-given qualities and characteristics that celebrate their masculinity. It’s not that your orgasm is about his ego. It’s that your orgasm speaks to his sexual nature with an affirmation that can’t be found anywhere else.
Dr. Kevin Leman described this so well in his book Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage:
“So much of who we are as men is tied up in how our wives respond to us sexually. While this may surprise some of you wives, as a psychologist I believe that every healthy man wants to be his wife’s hero. He may not be the top dog at work, he may not have the fastest car, he may be losing what little looks he had to begin with, his hair may be falling out while his gut is getting bigger, but if his honey loves him enough to occassionally put a few scratches on his back in the heat of passion, he will still feel like the king of the world. Why? Because he can please his woman.”
2. It shows him that you actually want to be there.
Sounds simple enough. But let’s face it ladies — we often come up with a million other things we would rather do than make love to our husbands.
Consider this — when you fully participate and are enthused about sex and you enjoy being naked with him, your husband feels valued. You demonstrate to him that making love to him is way more important to you than cleaning the lint trap or making rice krispie treats for the Cub Scout meeting. It is more important to you than those things, isn’t it?
Some wives think that for sexual intimacy to be fulfilling for a husband, he simply needs to have an orgasm. This is probably why so many wives fall into a “going through the motions” mindset when it comes to sex.
If you are like most wives, I bet you can tell me with relative certainty the steps it would take to make your husband come. You know what to do, don’t you? Where to put your hands. Where to kiss him. What to do with your body.
But I encourage you to think outside this box for a moment. His sexual pleasure is about more than his orgasm. His sexual pleasure is also about your sexual pleasure. Your orgasm matters more than you realize.
3. It reveals to him the mystery of the female body.
Most husbands will admit that when they discover what it takes to bring their wives to an intense orgasm, they are in awe by this.
Unfortunately, the clitoris is not quite as predictable as the penis. It can be a bit finicky. So, instead of just laying there and letting him fumble around (and often fail) in the dark — help him. Become a student of what it will take to make sexual intimacy fulfilling for you both.
When he is doing something that you find satisfying, express this (either through your sounds, your words, your body language or your touch). And when he needs a little more guidance in how to stimulate you, lovingly show him and give him verbal cues as to what to do. (Side note to you husbands reading: If your wife is trying to guide you, don’t get defensive about this. Her orgasm may depend on what you are willing to learn from her).
Do you want to turn your husband on? A good place to start is by growing in your sexual confidence, embracing sexual intimacy in your marriage, and allowing yourself to enjoy the intense pleasure of climax. As I’ve often noted before — I’m not going to say orgasm is everything, but it certainly is something. A very good something that God designed.
Some husbands would readily say that there is no other experience that compares to the feel of their wife’s body as she orgasms.
But don’t take my word for it. Ask your husband tonight what it means to him when you climax. You might be surprised at what you learn.
(Stay tuned for my next post when I’ll talk about how “faking it” actually hurts your relationship).
Copyright 2010, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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Julie,
You are dead on on. I couldn’t explain this better (and I’ve tried)
Great post – thanks so much. I would add that sex is a whole lot better when everyone is having fun! If a wife rarely or never climaxes, the fellow ends up caught between his need for sex and feeling selfish because it seems to be just for him. This is a now win situation for a guy, and does harm to his marraige.
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how can I forward this article to my wife?
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This article is dead on! I love making my wife feel good, and actively try to learn how to do so better. It really is the best feeling in the world. 😀
Great paper! All women should read it.
I would add another reason: a woman who climaxes show she lets go entirely while with me, an indication she fully trusts me.
It’s that your orgasm speaks to his sexual nature with an affirmation that can’t be found anywhere else. – YES
but if his honey loves him enough to occassionally put a few scratches on his back in the heat of passion, he will still feel like the king of the world. Why? Because he can please his woman.” – YES
— we often come up with a million other things we would rather do than make love to our husbands. – YES
You demonstrate to him that making love to him is way more important to you than cleaning the lint trap or making rice krispie treats for the Cub Scout meeting. – YES
His sexual pleasure is also about your sexual pleasure. Your orgasm matters more than you realize. – YES
Ask your husband tonight what it means to him when you climax. – It makes me feel the most like I’m a successful husband. That I please her as “Her man.” If I’m a great father, and successful at work, respected in church, and a good friend, but a failure as a lover…..if I can’t please her sexually, or even entice her into making love…..then I’m just a failure.
Great post! Just found your blog today- love your openness in regards to sex- it very much needed! I too enjoy writing about this topic:) There is so much to learn about one another in marriage!
If all of us only knew this as wives our husbands would be so encouraged. Thank you
I also say we sholdnt just lay there as wives but enjoy our intimate time alone with our husbands. As wives We should (excuse the phrase) “rock his world” as he does the same for us when we are making love.
As a husband whose wife does not need to have orgasms and has them only occassionally – generally at my request/insistence – how do I get my wife to take heed of this. If I printed it off and set it before her she would simply say “Orgasms are too much work to be worth the effort.” I am not saying I want her to have an earth-moving, mind-shattering orgasm, just to let go of control. I mentioned this last night and was told in no uncertain words that it is only sex that I want her to lose control in. If she feels down or in a period of difficulty, she believes I withdraw psychologically. 16 months ago, I had a long chat about sorting out what I described as the sham of a marriage we have. We have had a course of therapy with a Christian licenced sex and relationship counsellor and DW is still not interested in anything other than getting me erect, in and ejaculated as quickly as possible with what to me appears to be the minimum sexual excitement and engagement in her part. I despise myself for accepting what she offers because I am so desperate.
Landschooner’s lasst paragraph sums it all up for me quite succinctly.
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Wow, this makes me embarrassed about a comment I made on another post. I already knew all this, but I never thought that not having an orgasm is selfish and tells him I don’t trust him!
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This is all very well but some wives (even some Christian wives) actually don’t want orgasms as it means losing control. And some husbands (even some Christian husbands) can’t either climax or ejaculate (which aren’t the same thing). This is my wife’s and my situation (we have been married 32 years) despite any amount of ‘couselling’ and medical investigations. Sex just isn’t worth the trouble, and in fact in our experience is more likely to cause trouble in the marriage.
Arriving 1+ years late to this party, but regarding #2:
Just because I have an orgasm does not mean I actually want to be there–it just means I can easily reach orgasm, despite how inconvenient sex generally is to me. As you alluded, there are usually 117 other things on my to do list ahead of sex, and the worst part is, taking the time to have sex (with a husband who takes FOR-EV-ER to finish) means that I will be burning the midnight (or 3 a.m.) oil to finish other things. Literally. 🙁
Never could get my (ex)wife to understand this.
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Thanks for this post… It is brilliant, and SO on-the-money!
Anonymous wife: if you don’t love your husband enough to temporarily set aside your “To Do List” then maybe you’re too busy or maybe there are other issues in your marriage.
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Maybe if you put your to do list aside, and get excited and interested in the sex, then maybe your husband wouldn’t take so long. I know when my wife acts like that, it takes me longer because I am thinking the whole time about whether or not she is enjoying it. I also think about trying to hurry so I won’t “bother” her too long, all of which makes me Not focus on the feeling and pleasure, so it takes longer. The flip side, when she is on and I feel like she actually wants me and sex, I have to try to not finish too soon. Coming from a husband who has a wife who has that attitude from time to time, it’s not good. Even when we finish I feel like crap. We didn’t connect and I feel guilty about her having sex with me. So, don’t have that attitude about sex. It is poison to the relationship.
Julie,
My husband and I are both “non-religious” (we find God in the mountains and the sky and don’t necessarily attend church, though we have absolutely nothing against church attendance, etc.) Yet we love your website and your honest advice toward sexuality in a loving, committed marriage. (I just thought I would let you know that your message is reaching many of us, not just your “core constituency,” if you will.) 🙂
Sex is a beautiful gift from God, and one of the few (only?) things that we wives share *only* with our husbands. We share time with friends, with coworkers, with our mountain climbing partners, our families…but we share this one lovely gift with our spouses only. What a treat! While marriage ≠ sex, it is clear that a happy, healthy, mutually enjoyable sex life between husband and wife is a cornerstone in a happy, healthy life together!
My husband and I are fortunate that we enjoy together tremendous physical intimacy – truly, we are blessed! Frequency, intensity, variation…it’s all there! Yet we leverage resources like your website for ideas on how to make our love life together even better!
Thank you for all you do, and for your message you share. To those of you reading Julie’s blog experiencing intimacy issues in your marriage – I wish you strength in finding your way to an incredibly fulfilling sex life with your spouse, as such a thing is beautiful beyond words. You owe it to the one you have committed your life to to make the most of this special gift you share together!
Love is a journey, not a destination.
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Very nice article !!! A must share for sure … Tough subject in many ways if I had to explain
I love these conflicting posts on ORGASMS. Shall we or shall we not?
My question is ” What’s not to like in an orgasm”??? As you age it becomes harder to do sometimes and extends sex. When I was thirty I sure did not hear any complaints about extended sex! Now, I am told to hurry up. THAT is definitely an orgasm killer and may logically be the exact reason I struggle more getting there and sometimes don’t. My wife can take or leave orgasms—-but ask me under which circumstances does she bask ( even though thinking it is evil) in the afterglow. Orgasms bring ultimate intimacy to the sex act. She is always MORE INTO SEX when I provide her with the first orgasm. Under that scenario we do it longer, we kiss more, there is more passion. And more intimacy. Our problem is that sex is the last thing she ever THINKS ABOUT. It is on the very back burner. And remains there for a decade. I wonder how something that is so pleasurable it resembles a gran mal seizure can also be something a person does not care to pursue more than twice a month??? I am using THIS BLOG for our discussions about this. I am trying to understand this lack of desire for incredible pleasure? I have made a little progress the last week so we will see. I agree with Julie completely on this orgasm issue. And for those who are not sure if you have had an orgasm — I suggest you have not. You will certainly know when you have. God creates great things for us to experience and the orgasm is certainly one! Thanks.
@JohnR You ask some valid questions. I do not know your wife, but I know that for many years, my physical pleasure was far outweighed by emotional pain. Just because a woman orgasms doesn’t mean she’s happy and fulfilled. It is not some sort of magic fix for her.
We hear men say that sex makes them feel loved, respected, appreciated, and so forth. A woman can enjoy sex physically but have very different emotions: insecurity, shame, anger, etc.
Chemically speaking, much of what makes orgasm so wonderful for men is the significant release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone. I recently learned that women receive more of this during foreplay than during orgasm. Plus, we have 10 times the amount of oxytocin in our system on a regular basis, so the additional amount we receive during sex is not as significant for us as it is for men. That explains [partially] a woman’s “take it or leave it” attitude.
Hey Reba! I appreciate your response and it does enlighten me some on this issue. Thanks. Concerning the release of oxytocin you are ahead of me. I have never researched that issue. I really have come to believe, as I have said before, that there is the issue of the “evil orgasm.” Tell me more about the “insecurity, shame and anger.” I am listening. Thanks.
I wish I could clymax. Am I a failure for not being able to produce one for my husband? Sex is like a deep dark hole I can’t find my way around.
This is so true from a man’s perspective. In trying to get my wife to believe it, I spent a whole month completely giving up orgasms of my own and just focusing on giving her orgasms so that she would understand that HER orgasms are what really make sex special for me. I like my own orgasms, but honestly if I’m the only one having one I feel like I’m just using her and I feel dirty and guilty about it.
I can’t say that we now have a perfect sex life, but she did change quite a bit after that. A month of making love with no pressure from me to have intercourse (which she does not enjoy very much) really helped her to loosen up and just enjoy sex. She’s way more playful now when we make love and sometimes I still just give her a night of her own just to make her feel special. Giving up an orgasm here and there doesn’t kill me and does wonders for her to know that sex can be just for her pleasure sometimes.
I know this won’t fix everyone’s problems, but if you’re a man with a sexually indifferent or withdrawn wife, you might want to man up and try serving your wife sexually for a while. Let her know that for whatever length of time you choose, you are not going have intercourse or have any orgasms of your own. You’re going to focus strictly on her pleasure. Then bite the bullet and follow through.
It’s hard, but it was worth it for us.
Hi there,
I need some help with this topic..It was our first night together and we had amazing sex, but I couldn’t have an orgasm..We both tried and got very close but it just wasn’t happening..For me, I didn’t have to end our lovemaking with an orgasm, he took it very personally and made reference to his manhood being pulled out and stomped on right in front of him..I feel awful that I couldn’t give him what he desired most..But that doesn’t mean we couldnt keep trying to make that happen, which it very easily could..It was our first time together and I think that added a little pressure and nervous tension on my end..idk how do I make him understand that “it’s not you, it’s me” kinda thing..I know when we are together again, things will much more relaxed and much easier for me to make him happy..please help me figure this out..I honestly don’t know how to fix this..
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Melissa,
Just relax! Sometimes the stress brought on by our expectations of what needs to happen… well… that stress keeps that very thing from happening. Julie has talked about us husbands “leaving our egos at the door”… that is EXCELLENT advice! We all need to enter into this most intimate holy of holies… lovemaking… with a humble heart. Try not to think about it as something that you need to “fix”… just love and enjoy each other.
I’ll say a prayer for you two… :>)
What do you do if he does not appear interested in his wife’s orgasm (ever), or even touch her lady parts? 🙁 He is lovely and sweet and masculine and I know he loves me…. But…
I just love pleasuring and pleasuring my wife. She knows I love doing this for her. Ever since I realized our sexual struggles had to do with my selfishness Many many many of the problem I read about were similar to ours but played out differently because we are unique. Every time we have sex we both delight in the fact that God enjoyed watching us. For me the act of sex is much more then just releasing some semen it’s actually the act of pleasing and pleasuring my wife.
It took a little time but she now knows how to return the favour. Forcing the issue never worked.
I’m a little perplexed.
“allowing your self to experience the intense pleasure of climax”
I’m not sure I would describe my climaxing as intensely pleasurable. Perhaps a bit warm and tingly but never intense. Never do I feel the need to “put a few scratches in his back”.
I do feel a little relaxed afterward but no big deal.
My husband can’t even tell when I’ve had one.
If I’m satisfied without and I have to tell him when I’ve climaxed, then why would it make a difference one way or the other?
My husband and I have just had our 20th wedding Anniversary. We have had some hard times as everyone does. I am 38, mother of three beautiful kids. I have had to be on deferent meds over the years which caused my sex drive to go away. I have been off almost 6 months and I have got to say and I’m enjoying my husband again. I love to be with him in every way. He is my high school sweetheart so all my firsts have been with him. I am so blessed to have a wonderful man that loves sex and getting me off. As I do him. I know now that it is the little things that make a marriage work. I am blessed that he never gave up on me and our sex.
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