Okay, I don’t know if your husband specifically has contacted me.
But I do know this:
I hear from a lot of husbands via my blog. Frankly, many of them think I have some easy solution to get their wives to want to have sex with them.
Oh, how I wish that were the case.
If I did indeed have an easy solution, I would be rich. But honestly, I’d gladly share any easy solution for free.
If I had one.
Which I don’t.
Marriage is a complex creature, and that’s as true about my marriage as it is about any other one. Complex I tell you. But within that complexity, God implores us to take this matter of sexual intimacy to heart.
Granted, there are some rare situations where couples simply cannot have sex because of extreme physical limitations or illnesses. And I’m not naive in thinking that unresolved relationship betrayals by one or both spouses don’t make sexual intimacy all the more treacherous.
But for the rest of us?
For those marriages where two people are simply navigating life, dealing with cranky youngsters and trying to make a box of cornflakes stretch for more than a week…. yeah, sexual intimacy struggles in those marriages are usually the result of unintentional carelessness at best and downright selfishness at worst.
What are your husbands telling me?
On a regular basis, I hear about wives who…
Haven’t made love to their husbands in months or even years.
Never initiate sex.
Consistently put ministry, children’s activities and other obligations above sex.
Act as if their husband is a pervert because he wants to try a different sexual position or desires to see his wife naked.
Easily get defensive when their husbands try to address the sexual intimacy struggles.
Are too tired for sex, but not too tired to watch Grey’s Anatomy, the Bachelor or Extreme Makeover.
Regularly refuse their husband’s initiations for sex, but then vilify him when he is easily tempted by outside sexual stimulation.
Cheapen the marriage bed by simply “going through the motions” to get sex over with quickly.
Minimize their own need for pleasure, further confirming his feelings that “she doesn’t really even want to be here.”
Conveniently ignore God’s command that they share their bodies with their husbands, all the while feeling “led by the Lord” to head up the VBS committee or prayer ministry.
I know that the above scenarios are usually not as clear cut as I lay them out in a blog post. A couple struggling with sexual intimacy usually hasn’t arrived at such a struggle over the course of one week or month.
And though I hear from many husbands, I also occasionally hear from wives who are the ones who want more sex — and the husbands are the ones neglecting nurtured intimacy with their bride (I promise to write more about this, but if you want to check out a recent post on it, visit what Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous has to say.)
Generally, when we boil down many of the intricate details, we still arrive at a place where you know what is (or isn’t) going on in your bed.
You know if sex is a place of connection in your marriage — or a place of horrible discord.
And you know (or at least have some inkling) if the keys to change are dangling in your hand.
Sure, you can’t change your spouse, but if the roadblocks to nurtured sexual intimacy have been placed by you, then you are the one who needs to courageously start moving those roadblocks off the road.
Make a path for some intimacy to flow between you and your husband.
Scared of what that looks like?
Scared of the pain that might be stirred?
Scared of Holy Spirit conviction that reveals the vital necessity of nurtured intimacy?
Call the fear out. That’s right… cast light on it and boldly say to your husband, “I’m scared to bring this discussion up, but I want to talk about our sex life. I want things to be better between us.”
God works in the light. Satan, on the other hand, would just assume your fears stay hidden. He’s all about darkness, that guy. The enemy wants you to stay isolated in a place of denial or despair.
There is hope when we push through fear to get to solutions that are life-sustaining in our marriages.
There is hope when we invite God into the deepest recesses of our hearts and minds, where sadness, shame and disappointment have anchored themselves.
And there are plenty of other people trying to speak hope into situations that may look painfully similar to yours.
As I was busy writing this post, I was completely unaware that the Holy Spirit was pouring out great things through Kate Aldrich in her blog post “We Haven’t Had Sex in Over a Year.”
So, while I’d like to think that the husbands emailing me are simply isolated cases, Kate’s post kind of confirms differently. She too is hearing from husbands who are hungry for their wives to start taking this matter of sexual intimacy seriously.
What those of us who blog on sexual intimacy are encouragingly saying is do what you can — where you are — to set a new course in your marriage.
I pray for the day when the only comments I receive are from husbands and wives who are champions for sex. On a regular basis. In their marriage.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.