The Truth About Your Orgasm

I used to always think that when I finally meandered into Heaven, I would make a beeline for God to clear up all my unanswered questions.  Top of my list?

Why is it so difficult for a woman to have an orgasm?

I mean, you would think the Creator who came up with something as amazing as an orgasm could have equally made it easy to reach.  After all, what seems more appealing — a triple-layer decadent chocolate cake that is locked behind a glass case — or the same cake sitting smack dab in the middle of the counter?

Good Lord, if the Baker wants me to have the cake, put the darn thing on the counter.

Maybe that’s not the best analogy. (Unless, of course, you really like chocolate cake. And orgasms. Which I do. On both accounts.)

When it comes to orgasm, a couple often finds themselves with one incredibly predictable penis and one less-than-responsive clitoris.

It’s like the penis is always ready for a trip around the bases and the clitoris barely understands the game. (Read that again, maybe with “Paradise by the Dashboard Lights” playing in your head.  That Meatloaf. He had a way with word pictures, didn’t he?)

After so much reading, praying, writing and speaking about sex, I have decided my little Q&A session with the Almighty really wouldn’t be necessary.

(Might even be slightly presumptuous on my part — cornering God on my first day in the Throne Room, interrogating Him with questions rather than simply enjoying the view.  Hard saying.)

Anyway, I think I’ve already figured out why a wife typically does not climax as easily as her hubby. (Don’t be too impressed… I didn’t commission a study or anything. I’m just  a lowly ol’ housewife who loves sex).

My theory  is that when it comes to sexual intimacy, God created a situation whereby a couple would have to be incredibly intentional to have a mutually-satisfying experience.

If He had made it easy for both a husband and wife to always climax, we possibly would not put much effort into discovering all sex can be.  It’s like you could lay down a bunt and always have it count as a home run. We’d never really appreciate what first, second and third base have to offer.

If He had made it difficult for both a husband and wife to climax, we possibly would give up too soon — we’d be awash in frustration and confusion, hanging out in the dugout, never experiencing the exhilaration of crossing home plate.

Instead, He allows for authentic teamwork — a place where both a husband and a wife together learn the complexities and simplicities — the selfishness and selflessness — that is required for off-the-charts lovemaking.

The truth about your orgasm?

The truth is that you as a wife bear a lot of the responsibility.

Before I met my husband, I couldn’t even call myself a baseball fan (I’m really talking baseball now, people… I’m not using it as a metaphor for sex).

Seriously, I grasped the general concept of baseball, but that’s about it. My husband, on the other hand, is a baseball fanatic.

So, you know what I did? I started to learn.  I started to pay attention.  I even read a bit about baseball. I started to relax and enjoy the pace of the game. Now, I love baseball.

If you never or rarely experience orgasm, do the grown-up responsible thing and learn.

Read books about sexual intimacy. Learn about your own body.  Learn what you need to be ready for sex. Give yourself permission to enjoy sex.

The truth about your orgasm?

You’re gonna have to show him what to do.  For all our pre-conceived notions about sex (thank you Hollywood), a man typically does not instantly know how bring his wife to climax. That kind of info isn’t just telepathically downloaded into him on your wedding day.

But, if you show him and tell him specifically what you need and what feels good — well, game on.  Now we have something to work with.

A note to all you husbands reading this — let go of your ego a bit and stop being offended if your wife has to show you what she needs to climax. It’s not commentary on your manhood.  It’s honest revelation about her body — and it’s info you need to know.

So, when she guides your hand, tells you to slow down or tells you to speed up, or in any other way expresses what she likes — listen and learn. Penetration alone usually is not quite as successful as incorporating other techniques as well.

(If you want to learn more about getting lucky with your wife, check out what Sarah Baron of Anonymous8 has to say.)

Also, dear husbands, if what works one time doesn’t work the next time, please be patient with your wife. Revel in the mystery and adventure of the journey.

A note to you wives — be patient with your husband as he learns and tries to please you sexually.  The female body is not exactly the easiest landscape to map. It’s unfair to expect him to know where to go if you don’t at least give him a few road signs each time you make love.

The truth about your orgasm?

God meant for sex to be enjoyable for both a husband and a wife.  If you are paralyzed by modesty, trapped in some sort of skewed theology, haunted by past sexual promiscuity, unwilling to heal from past emotional trauma, resigned to sex being physically painful, or just plain doubtful of God’s desire that you enjoy sex, it’s time to start resisting lies — and resting on the truth.

The truth about your orgasm?

God isn’t the only one who wants you to enjoy sex.  I’d be willing to bet your husband wants you to enjoy it too, as I shared in my post on 3 Reasons Your Husband Likes It When You Climax.

The truth about your orgasm?

It matters.  It feels good.  It’s a holy privilege to savor sex with the man you married. As I have often said, orgasm isn’t everything. But it is a very strong something.

What do you think?  Please comment.  I’m going to go have some cake. (By “cake,” I really mean cake, just in case you were wondering). Yummy.

Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

43 thoughts on “The Truth About Your Orgasm

  1. J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) says:

    A woman who manages to mention chocolate cake, rock & roll, baseball, and orgasm in a single post! Are we twins separated at birth? I love all of those things!

    Seriously though, the analogy w/baseball is terrific, especially the point: “If He had made it easy for both a husband and wife to always climax, we possibly would not put much effort into discovering all sex can be. It’s like you could lay down a bunt and always have it count as a home run.”

    I pray that every woman gets to experience that joy of crossing home plate! (I think I’m going to demand that my husband carry me off the “field” on his shoulders next time.)

    Love your post!

  2. mel says:

    A friend recently told me that she has *never* had an orgasm. She’s been married 6 years. What advise would you have for a woman who doesn’t know how to have an orgasm, doesn’t know how to show her husband what to do?

  3. Susan says:

    I love your blog. I’ve bought some books that are recommended that I can’t wait to start reading. Thank you for doing this blog.

  4. JulieSibert says:

    Thanks J of @HotHolyHumorous fame… always great to connect with you out here in cyber world.

    Thank you, too, Mel for your comment. Your friend’s experience is not uncommon… often women in this situation resort to faking orgasm to either end sex quickly or to protect their husband’s ego.

    Honestly, my advice is that she first explore if she has any reservations about sex in general… does she question whether she deserves to enjoy sex? Does she have past abuse issues? Does she think “good Christian girls” shouldn’t really embrace all sex has to offer? Sometimes women need to explore how they really feel about sex before moving toward a place of allowing themselves to enjoy it.

    Secondly, I would encourage her to become very comfortable with her own body. Some people would disagree with me on this, but I am not opposed to a woman on her own while she is alone bringing herself to climax so that she can understand the pressure needed on her clitoris. In other words, it is difficult for her to show her husband if she herself doesn’t know what it’s going to take. Anyway, just a thought.

    If she is not up for that idea, then I would encourage her and her husband to buy a Christian sex book and read it together (or there are also Christian sex books specifically for women if she would like to read a book on her own).

    Also, I would encourage her to have some honest open dialogue with her husband… if she is nervous to initiate the conversation, possibly she could write him a letter, expressing how she wants to experience orgasm and she wants the two of them together to explore what it will take.

    Anyway, those are just some ideas…

  5. mel says:

    Thanks so much, Julie. I had thought of your second point as well, but didn’t know at the time if I should mention it to her. I will remember your advise next time I talk with her. =]

  6. JTolb says:

    This is an awesome artticle and you are awesome for sharing this already tried and true information with other women. I can vouch for this. You have to understand and appreciate your body and what it can do and be an “active” participant in sex. Enjoy your husband for Goodness sakes and all the pleasure that his body can bring you. Orgasms won’t be elusive for long, unless there are physiological issues. No faking it here. If we make love, we’re both crossing the finish, and yes, it’s a team effort:)

  7. Louise says:

    I agree with the response to the comment above… so many great ideas where mentioned!! I’m going to apply these in my own marriage, Thank You for sharing

  8. uk Fred says:

    Thank you for this, Julie.

    The information you posted is information I have wanted my wife to learn and understand for a long time but her response up until now has been “I don’t need an orgasm to enjoy sex” and I have heard that so often that I was becoming resigned to boring sex when I felt that it would have meant as much to my wife if I had just cuddled up to her in bed without making love. I have asked her to read this posting before I made the comment, so I will find out later whether she has been reading.

  9. Gina Parris says:

    Well good golly, how did I miss this post? Boy, I’m so tired of the beautiful bunt not getting the respect it deserves!
    No really, you are giving some great info here. I’ve always said the differences in men and women exist to practice the REAL art of love- unselfishness. That is good advice to take the time to LEARN.

  10. One man's perspective. says:

    Not really sure how I ended up here today and reading this blog, but…since I am here, let me offer a little male perspective.

    “It’s like the penis is always ready for a trip around the bases and the clitoris barely understands the game.”

    One of the reasons that the male member seems ever-ready is because men spend such a huge amount of time thinking about sex – it is in some form or another almost ever-present in our minds. So basically, the engine has been warming up for hours, and has likely been “idling” since the last time we floored it.

    “That Meatloaf. He had a way with word pictures, didn’t he?”

    Not really. Meatloaf has always been a terrible writer, Jim Steinman wrote all those lyrics – sadly he has re-written the same ones endlessly since!

    “a man typically does not instantly know how bring his wife to climax.”

    A man doesn’t instantly know how to bring ANY woman to climax – if he has a brain and read/learned anything, he knows what equipment is involved, and what said equipment should be capable of…but no two women are exactly the same.

    “But, if you show him and tell him specifically what you need and what feels good”

    If you do this, and he is a real man, not an overgrown hormone who just left the 7th grade locker room, he will be thrilled to have his wife acknowledge exactly what feels good, what doesn’t, and why. A man’s equipment is entirely different from a woman’s, and even if he is well-read on the subject…there is a lot that is left to him to fumble his way through, DON’T leave him stumbling around in the dark. You’ll just end up more and more frustrated, and he’ll end up more and more deflated, self-conscious, and eventually bitter.

    “A note to all you husbands reading this — — and it’s info you need to know.”

    A real man looks forward to a wife that tells him what works so he can make her feel better. Also, he gets the added benefit of having his wife encourage him, and in essence “talk dirty” to him as well (Don’t kid yourselves – for most men even something as simple “That feels soooo good!” is exciting AND ego-gratifying).

    “Also, dear husbands, if what works one time doesn’t work the next time, please be patient with your wife. Revel in the mystery and adventure of the journey.”

    God (I believe) did this specifically for a man’s benefit. He programmed us to want to “do it” every chance we get, with every woman we can manage, and then…programmed women the way they are, so a husband DOES get to sleep with a different woman every night…most are just too dumb or self-centered to take advantage of it, when ALL men like the hunt nearly as much as the kill.

    “start resisting lies — and resting on the truth.”

    God intended for sexual union to be not only a holy union, but seriously fun and physically fulfilling for BOTH spouses; and if you read Solomon with an honest eye, you’ll find that it was never intended to be something done only in the dark (forgive the pun) “missionary style”. If He had wanted that – that would be the only thing that actually feels good for either partner.

    “I’d be willing to bet your husband wants you to enjoy it too,”

    I can honestly say (and it isn’t for the badge of bragging) that my wife’s orgasms and sexual satisfaction have always been more important to me than my own whenever we have made love. I’m of course not saying that I do not care about having orgasms (As IF!), only that I can easily forgo having one if she falls asleep smiling, because giving her that kind of pleasure is truly enjoyable to me to do. I think there are more men like me than you’d think, and I think that if we could strip away (again, pardon the pun) all the garbage that society hammers into our heads about masculinity every day from the second we are born, you’d find that there’d be a lot more men just like us.

    The battle for your sexual satisfaction, and for your husbands satisfaction (which better be important to you – because it is to him) as well is fought by you ladies two ways:

    (1) In the bedroom, so long as you are not violating God’s laws (threesomes, bloodletting, etc) be open to anything your little heads can dream up.

    (2) INITIATE many of those things.

    (3) Don’t let the media have his attention (even unconsciously) as it wants – interfere!!! When some company tries to sell you insurance by 30 seconds of cars racing over a woman’s body like a race track – CHANGE THE CHANNEL. When you are watching a movie and the “love scene” goes beyond the initial peck on the lips to start it off – FAST FORWARD, better yet with DVD – hit the CHAPTER button (better to miss a few seconds of the next scene, than to have THIS scene planted into your heads (yes, YOURS too!)). Don’t watch this kind of advertising if he isn’t there with you – nothing good comes of you filling your head with images of Victoria’s Secret models either (for a variety of reasons); yes, that means NOT watching Dirty Dancing when you are home alone some afternoon (you skip all the things you should, and it is only about 9 minutes long anyway).

    God gave us the ability, the desire, and the imagination to make our marriage beds the most amazing places in the world, but we need to keep our eyes (thereby our minds) clear of those kinds of images being fed to us at every opportunity, every day, every minute.

    If you look at enough half-dressed Coke construction men, you will lust, and you will compare your spouse to them on some level; and if you look at “super models” in skimpy clothes long enough, you will compare yourself to them on many levels – and both of these things are not good for you or your spouse. Your spouse suffers the exact same things, only inverted in this analogy: He will eventually start looking at the “hunks” as someone that you would prefer to him, and he will end up comparing you to Cindy Supermodel unconsciously, while he lusts after her.

    Eventually we both end up with screwed up expectations, frustrations, and a lot of pent up sexual dissatisfaction: NOT GOOD!

    It’s sort of as if we Christians, as adults, need more than ever to remember that kids song from Sunday School – “Be careful little eyes what you see….”

  11. One man's perspective. (addendum) says:

    1) Please pardon the typos (such as: 1,2, & 3, which should have read: 1, 1a, 2).

    2) What read: “comparing you to Cindy Supermodel unconsciously, while he lusts after her.” really should have read: “comparing you to Cindy Supermodel unconsciously, while he lusts after her, and justifies it by saying that you do the same thing with the “hunks” you see.

    Hope that clarifies my post a bit better.

  12. Francesca says:

    I’m at fault in our marriage. It takes a lot of effort for me to climax, and so I usually skip it to save frustration, even if my husband wants me to have one. Also, I can’t stop thinking that it’s a chore for him since it takes so long in comparison to his, even though he denies that. I know he’s being honest, but my thoughts get in the way, and then I usually don’t get it.

    I also like the point that guy made about a woman always needing something different as a way to prevent boredom on a man’s part.

  13. uk Fred says:

    Julie, as a man, though not Francesca’s husband, may I respond to her comments. My wife feels similarly and tells me she does not need an orgasm to enjoy love-making.

    I want to reassure Francesca that no husband ever feels that it is a chore to help his wife have an orgasm. As the anglican liturgy says, it is our duty and our joy, at all times and in all (appropriate) places

    This approach is frustrating to the man, because what I feel when my wife tells me she does not need to orgasm is that she does not feel that I am worth the effort of sharing an orgasm. Basically, I feel that she is treating sex like a chore and not like a pleasure. I want her to have the greatest pleasure when we make love. I want her to be so engrossed in what is happening to her that she couldn’t care less where she is (so long as it is private). I want her to be overwhelmed by her own emotions and feelings that she cannnot and will not stop. I want to feel that I am her champion, and her knight in shining armour. All I feel is that I am a spare part and I am getting in the way of something she would rather do. I feel demeaned, and superfluous, and unloved.

  14. Lisa Pederson says:

    What a great site! A friend told me about your site last night, she said it really helped her and her husband learn so much, because they knew NOTHING when they got married.
    I am a Pure Romance consultant and I do it from a Christian view point that God WANTS you to have great sex in your marriage! I am saddened that so many women have never had an orgasm, and it is my mission to make sure they learn how! Husbands are so much more happy in their marriage when they can bring their wives to the brink of ecstasy! I am going to be linking to your articles on my facebook business page!

  15. Ann Parks says:

    I don’t remember what an orgasm is or what it feels like. My husband and I hadn’t had sex or any intimacy in about 28 years. I haven’t been touched by anyone except my doctor on my yearly physical. He has no desire for me or intimacy. We’ve been married 40 plus years and more than half have been ruined. I’m in my mid 60s now and on the down hill path. So I won’t experience any intimacy ever again. I wish I could remember what was like.

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  18. Lynn says:

    Married 26yrs just discovered “the sun” !!!
    Unfortunately can’t find it again !
    I can see a lot of background light , a lot of smouldering embers but alas never the real thing.
    You were right the “sun” is not always where u first found it !
    But it definitely still worth looking for !
    Thank you for your encouragement x

  19. Melissa says:

    This post just ticks me off. I’m so sick of how everybody thinks that it’s the woman’s responsibility to do everything. I agree that we should work at intimacy but come on, “it’s the woman’s job”. No it’s both partners job!! Husband’s are just as accountable as the wives.
    I personally would still want to know why God made men more sensitive. Like I said I agree with your analogy that intimacy takes work but that still doesn’t answer why men couldn’t be just as hard to please as women are.

  20. JulieSibert says:

    @Melissa… wow, you sound really angry. I’m sorry to hear how upset you are about this. I think, though, that you missed the intention of my post. You say the post really ticks you off, but then go on to sound like you are more so angry at God about the differences in achieving orgasm between a woman and a man.

    Anyway, I didn’t mean to upset you. Sorry you took it that way.

    I greatly appreciate, though, that you stopped by to comment.

  21. Keelie Reason says:

    I completely agree with you here about it being a woman’s responsibility to learn how to orgasm. I think that men orgasm more quickly because they want to. They have put work into it. Sure, I think some of it is because it is physically easier for a man, but a lot has to do with how much a guy dwells on it. If you spent all day thinking about orgasm, you will find it is so much easier to get there.

    I really loved your way of thinking that if it was too hard or too easy, we wouldn’t have the balance we need to have meaningful sex. What a great thought.

  22. Spartan Man says:

    I have enjoyed reading this post and comments. I think that we can learn a lot from what we have never heard said. What I mean is that I have never heard a woman say, “I have had orgasms and did not like them.” I feel that they are important, but here is the irony – I have been married for 15 years and to date know that my wife has never had a full blown orgasm. I have written her letters, bought and read Christian books, talked to leaders of my faith, listened to 100’s of hours of marriage podcasts, and expressed my desire to give her this gift and in return and not seen any desire in her wanting to learn about and receive this gift. I found this blog while searching for answers and attempting to understand why a wife would not even want to learn about this topic. I feel a strong desire to just be understood in my request for her to at least learn to orgasm, but can never get a response from her as to why she does not care to investigate. I know that she would feel horrible if the table was turned and she was not able to witness me having an orgasm, so why must I accept the fact that she does not care to have one? I know that it is difficult to explain 15 years of sexual frustration in one blog post. We do have regular sex, but I want my wife to feel the release and pleasure of this act as I have. If anyone has a story about a similar situation or recommendation I am all ears.

  23. HopefullyHelpful says:

    @Spartan Man:For me, only 4 years marriage (5 years total).
    My only clue has been this: Unless she lied (anything is possible), she has only climaxed once, early in our relationship. She thoroughly, completely got carried away (compared to every other time). We were in an unusual position (her idea, and not repeated since) when Harry-Met-Sally, but quieter. What really stood out was this (exact words; they’re burned into my mind): “I don’t believe it. I don’t believe it. Can you feel me? Can you feel me? I’m coming! I do. I really do love you.”

    Sex is 90% mental. 99.999% there is nothing physically wrong with your wife. At least in my case, I know my wife does not have any religious hang ups, since she started as completely non-believer (not even atheist–I mean no opinion).
    If your wife has bad experiences in the past, this can explain it. Same with certain religious beliefs (old style: If your enjoying sex, Satan is the one giving you pleasure). She can also look at it as giving you too much control, and your continued insistence comes across as domineering and wanting to assume all control of her. She can also be looking at it in a defensive way: He doesn’t pleasure me, so I’m safe from too much emotional attachment).
    These are just some few reasons. Bringing the congregation into this will not help at all and will probably hurt your cause. It also has no basis for action. Your wife might quite very well know about orgasm, just does not want to indulge in it.

    Don’t let this dominate your sex life, which is supposed to be about love and connection. My wife insists she enjoys sex, regardless of what I think. Regardless of my doubts, I have to accept that, since there is no commandment “Thou Shalt Orgasm”

    My prayers to you.

  24. NGal says:

    SpartanMan: I hate to put it bluntly, but no, orgasm is not the main thing – and emphasising it at the expense of genuine love and respect only worsens the problem.
    I have heard an abused woman tell of her abusive (ex)husband forcing her to orgasm – not out of love and caring, but in order to prove his prowess. It was a tool of control and a way of seeing, ‘See? I can bring her to climax, I am the man!’
    Honestly – what a woman wants is a loving, caring man, not a forced climax. A bodily reaction can be brought about with little effort, but I would advice men to abstain from trying that. Instead, show your wife you care, value and appreciate her.

  25. Reba says:

    @Spartan Man Hopefully Helpful speaks much truth. To summarize, we may assume that what feels good physically will also feel good mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and that may not be the case for our spouse. We may assume that sex does for our spouse what it does for us, which may not be true. While one enjoys afterglow, the other struggles through aftermath.

  26. JulieSibert says:

    I don’t think orgasm is everything, but I do think it is a very important “something.” No, I don’t think a woman must have an orgasm every time, but when she is never having one and has no interest in having one, I think ultimately this attitude impacts the marriage. Sex becomes routine, boring, obligatory for her.

    @NGal… I agree with you that forced climax is not a reflection of love. It is abuse. But I don’t think think forced climax is what most husbands want for their wives. Most husbands are not trying to force a climax. What most husbands want is to see the woman they love enjoy sexual pleasure to its fullest.

    @Spartan Man… I think it is reasonable that you want your wife to enjoy pleasure. You are right that you can’t push the issue if she is not willing to broaden her perspective on her own sexual pleasure. But I think it shows great love that you want that for her.

  27. Spartan Man says:

    Thank you all for your comments. I want to just clarify that I have not nor will ever force her to orgasm, I truly believe that would be out of the question. The concern I have which is being answered by some great responses is my failure to understand why she is unwilling to learn about orgasm in general. Here is an example of how I feel: If my wife came to me and stated that she fully supports a political leader that I do not, but wanted me to read a book about that person to gain an understanding of why she supports his or her views I would do it to fulfill her need to be understood. Make sense? Heck, I just may learn something by reading that book that would change the way I feel. I just want her to know where I am coming from, after that if she understands what orgasm is and why I desire her to experience and then chooses to not pursue orgasm I would understand. There is only one way to know if you like fish right?

  28. Reba says:

    I learned something new about this subject yesterday when I listened to the June 4 podcast at Dr. Jessica McCleese explained that women receive more oxytocin (the bonding hormone) during foreplay than during orgasm. For men, all the oxytocin is delivered during orgasm. That explains why many women are okay without orgasm and still enjoy sex and feel close to their husbands.

    From that perspective, her orgasm does not equal yours. So if you are trying to give her a gift that matches what you experience, spend more time and energy on foreplay and the other parts of your relationship.

  29. Confused Wife says:

    I feel like everything I read on this subject doesn’t work for us. I’ve been married 2.5 years and have never had an orgasm with my husband. Like the previous commenters said, I believed before marriage that my husband would want to spend all this time learning me and my sexuality, lovingly and patiently pursuing my pleasure. But day 3 of our honeymoon, we decided to focus just on me…and that lasted about 20 minutes before I started hearing sighs of either boredom, frustration, or disinterest. I told him we could stop and try another time but he never really wants to stop and put in the effort. He’s not a bad guy – I know he loves me and wants me to be happy. He just isn’t skilled at this and doesn’t want to troubleshoot. I’ve poured out my heart and told him that I feel broken and different because I can’t feel what I’m supposed to and I can’t connect with him on the level I should be able to. He cries with me and changes for a couple days but it always goes back to the same old same old. He isn’t really significantly better at sex now than he was our first couple months of marriage.

    And so I educated myself. I reread the books we read during premarital counseling, started visiting Christian marriage blogs, got advice from an older relative, learned how to do a variety of positions, leaned to give great oral, learned his body better than he knows it himself so I could get totally involved, and have read just about everything that Christian blog posts have to say about how a woman can learn to climax. I asked for oral, but I think he’s squeamish about it, which isn’t really fair because it’s he absolutely loves it when I give oral for him. But no matter what i say he doesn’t absorb the info I try to share with him. He’s not mean or unloving about it. He just doesn’t remember and incorporate it. And his excuse for my unmet expectations is that he guesses sex just isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s not earthmoving or soul-connecting. People exaggerate it.

    Finally out of fear that this would start affecting other parts of our relationship once bitterness began to creep in, I decided I needed to figure it out for myself and fix the problem even if he didn’t see it needed fixing. so I did what you suggested Mel’s friend do. I figured I’d figure out how, get to where I needed significantly less time so he wouldn’t get frustrated or bored and give up, and then let him think that he’s doing it for me. I’d be happy and he’d be happy and we’d go from there. I figured once he was seeing improvement he’d be more interested in kicking it up a gear. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings with another “I’ve never had an orgasm” talk. And after 3 or 4 tries, I’m not broken or defective apparently. So how do I tell him that this isn’t okay anymore? That 2 and a half years is long enough to figure this out and We both deserve the extra effort and that sex is supposed to be all that it’s cracked up to be? How do I get him interested in forgetting about halfway decent sex and going for really great sex? I probably sound like a bitter angry woman, but I’m not. I’ve been such a good sport about it and I’ve never insinuated to him that he’s inadequate or the reason I’m missing out or refuse him because I’m not getting the same out of it as he is. I initiate, I participate. I’ve been very gentle and careful when broaching this subject. But I’m tired of us missing out on something that can enrich our relationship and lead to some very enjoyable times between us. I want to share in what he gets to feel on a regular basis. I just want to connect with him.

  30. Anonymous says:

    Confused Wife, please get your hormones checked! If they are out of whack, it can affect your ability to O.

  31. Confused Wife says:

    Anonymous, That was my thought for quite a while, that hormones were the problem, but I’m healthy in all other respects and I’ve found recently that I can get myself to O in under 10 minutes. Not that I advocate bringing oneself to climax as a rule. I don’t and I don’t plan to continue now that I know I physically can. I just had to know if it was a physical impossibility or if it was an operator error, so to speak. I’m pretty sure it’s a stimulation issue.

  32. John R says:

    Confused Wife, tell your husband point blank to “bring you off” digitally with his fingers. If he won’t do oral (which I would consider A GIFT from a wife who wants it) then he can surely do it the other way. If it takes you 10 minutes then he should be able, with a little practice n interest n passion,to shorten that time. Once you know where the button is and what motions/movements she likes orally or digitally ,orgasm starts coming pretty fast. And, only speaking for myself, I am more turned on by my wife’s orgasm than my own. It is a beautiful act of love from God.

  33. southern gent says:

    confused wife,

    Have you and your husband ever attended marriage seminars that directly dealt with intimate issues? That might be a good next step.

    Also, there are quite a few books written from a relational perspective. Two I know well enough are “Mars and Venus in the Bedroom” and “Sheet Music.” Particularly with Sheet Music, you get a very direct that a “Good Christian man” should offer himself to his wife orally. Realistically, many women almost never have orgasms from “pure ordinary intercourse.” It is usually an oral or digital thing.

    You SEEM to have handled this very well. Many women have trouble opening this issue without damaging their husband’s ego. God told me that he wanted all of his daughters to experience orgasm through their husbands as his gift to his daughter. I don’t think it seems like your husband doesn’t want to, he just doesn’t know how or either when he gets in trial and error mode, the frustration you have blocks you. PRAY through this and know that many will pray for you two.

  34. Maybenever says:

    Well, your first sentence. I’ve thought that for many years. I’ve read all the comments and I shake my head that lost to everyone is that EVERY SINGLE person is different from the next. Yes, there are averages and most people follow certain patterns, but I think I am an exception. I think the big O may actually be impossible for me. Married 27 years. Yeah, let that one settle.

    Pretty sure I’ve never had one. Pretty sure I am so close, that it seems inevitable. I’ve read MANY MANY books. I’ve analyzed every possible mental or thought issue. And resolved any I found. And emotional. I have been through every emotion you can imagine in this regard. My honesty at one point in our marriage caused the whole thing to take a HUGE dive and affected him.

    It took a couple years to recover from that. I’ve tried on my own, with him, we’ve tried multiple positions, tools, extended foreplay, oral, and on and on ad nauseum. You’d think I would have given up. Well, I kind of did. Years ago one day when I was crying my eyes out over it and lying in bed despondent, I asked myself, if this never happens in my whole lifetime, can I still be happy? The answer was yes, I could choose to be happy.

    So I really did let go of outcomes. I am happy to say that the trying in the last few years has been so enjoyable it blows my mind. Part of the problem is extreme sensitivity on my part. In every single area of my life. (Oh, by the way multiple hormone tests reveal no problems). I’ve learned how to get from 0 to 60 in very little time. The one negative I can say, is I DON’T LIKE extended foreplay. Especially since it doesn’t seem to help. And I’m so physically sensitive to stimulus.

    I think he does not like that sometimes. There is a chance I am having tiny Os on occasion. But all the stuff I have read makes me think I have not. I’m not having the experience most describe. I wish I could figure out THE THING that is causing the problem, but to this point, I cannot. So, I just accept and enjoy the journey.

    The cake really is a good analogy. Except in my case, the cake is amazing, but someone left the frosting off. I’ve often said something like, “it’s like I’m at an amazing banquet and everything is just right, but everyone is talking about the dessert, and they aren’t serving it tonight.” I love the banquet. I just wish I could try the dessert. Sigh.

    I’m glad to have found this blog. More reading. Maybe I’ll find something.

  35. Mike says:

    Oh wow! Having read all of this I am a bit put out. My wife of over thirty years has never orgasmed when with me. Now I need to clear something out of the way up front. Although Christians she did whilst we were courting have a affair with a married guy at her work. He did do a bit of a job on her as he was 18years her senior and a manager. Whenever we discussed her not enjoying orgasms she always puts up that episode in her life and admits that his experience surprised her confused her and to this day sits in her head. She also says orgasms do not matter for her and she believes that most women never orgasm anyway and more pretend to anyway.

    I am not in anyway nowadays fazed by this as I was years ago but she seems not to realise that it is also important for me to know she enjoys intimacy from me. For the last twelve years there has been little or none despite my gentle efforts.

    Hmmm maybe too late now !

  36. Pingback: 5 Ways to Sexually Please Your Husband | Intimacy in Marriage

  37. Harry says:


    I get really upset when I read situations like yours where women have gone not only weeks and months without orgasm but YEARS!! It doesn’t seem possible. We are all bundles of hormones in our teenage years and during that time, surely you experimented with yourself to see what buttons needed to be pressed – that is, unless something had got into your head about masterbation being ‘evil’ or lustful thoughts would send you straight to hell. Very often it is some super conservative religious belief that gets in the way of a good sexual relationship. If a woman’s mind is not 100% committed to wanted maximum orgasmic pleasure it is very difficult to get her there. You haven’t mentioned masturbation in your blog but I would recommend you set aside some private time either with your fingers or a toy and see what gets you going. If that doesn’t work, then there are other issues but once you’ve orgasmed once (and you will never say “I think I orgasmed?” – you’ll know!) you’ll be on the path to being able to show your husband what needs to be done. You may never orgasm through penetration but that is not uncommon and nothing to be concerned about. One thing that should happen though is complete satisfaction for both partners by the end of a sex session – if that is what you desire.


  38. Conrad Evans says:

    You are magnificent– When I learned to give my wife and orgasm, What joy to hear yES yES, KEEP DOING IT.HERE i GO, OH , IT IS SO-O-O GOOD. THANK YOU
    Yes, what joy. I, Could say more but will not at this time.

  39. JO says:

    Hello, I wanted to follow one of the links to Hot, Holy and Humorous but I ended at a page saying only invited readers can view it. Can you please tell me how to be invited to read/ pass the request on to HHH? Thank you.

  40. Karen P. says:

    Well…here it is almost 3 years after this post was written and I imagine women are still struggling. I struggled too until I found that my husband didn’t mind if I “helped” myself during intercourse….so yes, I masturbate during intercourse and I almost always have head-splitting orgasms. This pleases him very much and he has no ego problems with it…in fact he thinks it’s kind of hot (most men do whether they want to admit it or not). I have a very small, receded clitoris so I need direct stimulation during intercourse. Simple penetration just isn’t going to cut it. Some women who have no idea what real sexual pleasure and abandon is like will say that’s “too much” or perverted or whatever. I think that’s sad. When I was younger I could have 3 orgasms to his one….YAY! How is a man supposed to manipulate a clitoris while in mid-stroke?? I just don’t see that as possible. So we have done what comes natural to us. Trust me, it’s erotic and extremely intimate. We almost always come together. When I come, it triggers him and the feeling is really mind-blowing. I think it’s sad that many couples won’t ever experience that because of embarrassment or some social standard they’ve been raised with. It’s your bedroom and your marriage. Do what you have to do to give and receive pleasure. It’s your God-given right as a married couple.

  41. Catfish says:

    Thank you for posting your blogs. I’m a newly wed, Amy husband & I both waited & yes I am bragging because I’m legit proud of us. But that also means that we’re learning together & I think understandably I’m nervous when I feel like I need to research something (especially when online) because there’s a lot I just don’t want to see. I know though that I can trust your blog to not only help educate without over educating; but you also glorify God and remind us that sex in marriage is God’s gift and His gifts are good. I know this doesn’t directly connect with this specific post, but still…just thank you.

  42. Catfish says:

    Thank you for posting your blogs. I’m a newly wed, my husband & I both waited & yes I am bragging because I’m legit proud of us. But that also means that we’re learning together & I think understandably I’m nervous when I feel like I need to research something (especially when online) because there’s a lot I just don’t want to see. I know though that I can trust your blog to not only help educate without over educating; but you also glorify God and remind us that sex in marriage is God’s gift and His gifts are good. I know this doesn’t directly connect with this specific post, but still…just thank you.

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