I could talk about sexual refusal as a mistake you could be making.
But I figure I do that enough, so I’d rather share today about 3 sex mistakes you may be making when you actually do have sex.
MISTAKE 1: Assuming what arouses him.
We as women tend to think men are incredibly one-dimensional when it comes to sex.
“If I just make my body available, then that’s all he really needs to be satisfied sexually.”
Closely dancing with this thought is the idea that a husband’s arousal is only about his penis and has little to do with a variety of touches and displays of affection.
Are you assuming what arouses him? Not the best approach.
Instead, ask him.
Or try new touches on his entire body and ask him what he likes. Try using your finger nails along his shoulders, hair, chest and legs. Try caressing his testicles and inner thigh, slowly working your way down to his toes and then back up again.
Try kissing him passionately or kissing his neck or his chest.
Discovering what arouses him can be quite exhilarating, because you are the only one who gets that privilege.
It’s holy ground, if you ask me. You’ll probably even want to take off your shoes.
And as for the penis, you may want to pay more attention to detail in how you touch him (that’s partly why I wrote the post 3 Things You Should Know About Your Husband’s Penis).
The head of the penis is incredibly rich with nerve endings. Both light and firm touch (with your hand, tongue, breasts) can result in so much sexual delight for your husband.
There are so many possibilities in seducing him and arousing him. I’m guessing there is still room for you to explore what turns him on.
MISTAKE 2: Unwilling to try something new.
If you think I’m going to say you have to do everything he requests sexually, guess again.
Some things he may request would dishonor God or are just plain unreasonable, so far be it from me to say it’s all an open book and free-for-all on trying something new.
Even so, there are ways that you can still honor God, your marriage bed, yourself and your husband by broadening your viewpoint on sexual arousal.
If sex is predictably scripted every single time, here are a few ideas…
New position. If you think the only “proper” way to have sex is missionary style with your husband on top and the two of you face-to-face, then you both are really missing out. You don’t have to be a gymnast to find a few new positions to add to your sexual repertoire.
For example, try being on top of your husband. You may be wildly amazed out how arousing this is for you… and him.
Lights on. We as women can fuel this whole body image saga when we refuse to grow in our sexual confidence. I know women who will have sex only with the lights off and the covers pulled up, just so their husband won’t see their body.
Study after study, though, reveals that husbands desire their wives be… well.. a bit more revealing.
He wants to see your body, breasts and skin. And if he is really honest, he wants you to want him to see you (in other words, your sexual confidence is a big turn on).
If it is too overwhelming to have a lot of light in the room, consider some candlelight or the closet light or a nightstand lamp.
Oral sex. I remember once talking to a friend and we were in general discussing oral sex. I said, “What’s not to like about oral sex?!” Her response? “Giving or receiving?” To which I said, “Both!”
I know that not all Christians think oral sex is biblically supported, but obviously I’m not in that camp.
Certainly, I’m not saying a spouse should demand oral sex, but I do think if you are unwilling to include oral sex in your sexual intimacy, yet your husband would desire to receive it and/or perform it, you would be wise to explore if your reasons are reasonable.
I don’t think oral sex needs to always be the main event, but every now and then when one or both of you want it? Yes! And certainly many married couples find it to be a nice part of foreplay.
I have a whole list of posts about oral sex at my post Some Thoughts on Oral Sex.
More playfulness. Some married couples find ways to bring variety through lingerie or sex toys or lubricants or code words that have shared sexual innuendo just between the two of you.
I can’t say what is fun and arousing for you as a couple, but I wonder if you think you and your spouse have room to grow?
And as long as you are keeping your sexual encounters exclusive to just you and your spouse and neither of you is getting hurt, then I think you have a lot of freedom to explore sexual playfulness.
MISTAKE 3: Downplaying your own sexual pleasure.
With the number of wives out there not having an orgasm many or all of the times they have sex, it’s no wonder so many marriages are suffering from lack of sexual intimacy.
Honestly, if I didn’t experience an orgasm on a very regular basis when my husband and I have sex, I’d be pretty indifferent about sex as well.
Your orgasm matters.
God designed your clitoris for no other reason than sexual pleasure for you. With some insight and effort, you and your husband can help you experience that. Not just “every great once in a while.” But often. Maybe even every time.
I’ve written about orgasm here, here, here, here, here and here.
The good news about these 3 sex mistakes is that they are not so difficult to overcome.
Sex can be a creative and soul-drenching safe haven, but we have to walk in that direction to see it as God sees it.
Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.