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Anyone who has spent more than about 12 seconds on my blog knows that I’m a big fan of sex in marriage.
You could easily assume that I also am a big fan of orgasm.
You’d be right.
(Although you may have to spend more than 12 seconds searching for the orgasm posts. They’re here, though. Trust me.)
I could make this a post about orgasm in general, but I’m really not one to want to skirt past the details.
And if ever there was a sexual topic abundant with details, it is the orgasm.
In particular, I want to focus on the wife’s orgasm for now. Sorry guys… it’s not that I don’t think your orgasm matters. I’m an equal opportunity sex advocate, and certainly the husband’s orgasm is worthy of discussion and celebration.
It’s just that most men I think would find it completely baffling that there even is such a thing as being afraid of sexual pleasure (especially within the right and holy confines of marriage).
Yet, some women reading this right now know exactly what I’m talking about.
Possibly you are one of those wives. (I say that with a tone of compassion, lest you think I’m cornering you on something that you possibly don’t even understand yourself).
Are you hesitant — maybe even afraid — to experience the intense pleasure of an orgasm?
Maybe you’ve never had an orgasm or maybe you have, but either way, that kind of intensity (or the thought of it) leaves you feeling unsettled and agitated. It is not something you embrace or anticipate with careless abandon, but rather something you question, downplay or resist.
You may even think your orgasm doesn’t matter. (Or that’s what you tell yourself because it’s almost more agonizing to have to look at your deeper feelings about orgasm. Do you find it much easier to just fall back on the rationale that sex is for him?)
Where does this fear or resistance of sexual pleasure come from?
I think most of these fears and hesitancies find their threads woven within the blanket of half-truths and downright lies about sex.
Sadly, this blanket is thrown on a lot of Christian women — often from the church or other Christian women who wrapped themselves up in it long ago.
If we were to view the blanket from afar, like it was hanging just to the right of the pulpit or folded neatly in the corner of your mom’s couch or maybe even strewn across your marriage bed, it would look something like this:
Sex is gross.
Sex is wrong.
Sex is obligatory.
Sex is duty.
You possibly have become so comfortable with this blanket that you have convinced yourself that experiencing intense sexual pleasure with your husband is “not what a proper Christian woman would do.”
You may even think having an orgasm is sinful.
You may even be afraid you will lose control (which may feel exceptionally overwhelming if you pride yourself on being in control).
But God doesn’t want you to be afraid of having an orgasm with your husband. And He doesn’t want you to minimize the significance of your sexual pleasure.
God designed the clitoris, not to mention all the other areas of a woman’s body that respond with sensations when touched sexually.
Try as we may to justify that we don’t know what it means to be turned on, I think we really do. Because I think that’s how God designed sex and sexual response. And in those moments we have a choice to either lean into those sensations and follow where they lead — or to willfully shut them down.
The choice you make about your sexual pleasure will either enrich your marriage or unravel it.
I hunger to speak hope into your life and your marriage if you are afraid of sexual pleasure — or if you simply don’t think your sexual pleasure matters.
It does matter.
The physical, spiritual and emotional dynamics are profoundly significant to the health of your marriage.
Don’t be afraid. Be courageous. Sometimes we have to completely let go and trust that God knew exactly what He was doing. And He paid attention to the details. Even the details of sexual pleasure.
In case you didn’t want to search for all the orgasm posts, here are a few worth reading…
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.