5 Ways to Sexually Please Your Husband

hand-holdingEnough already with all these silly attempts to paint men into a corner as bumbling adolescents with a one-track mind.

TV sitcoms, one-liner jokes, stand-up comedy routines and conversations at the local hair salon brim with commentary about the male sexual appetite.

How he wants it all the time.

How you just have to show up naked and bring food.

Now, I’m not saying sex and fun shouldn’t mingle closely.  They should indeed!

I just think we as wives have a passionate privilege to please our husbands sexually.  So let’s not get caught up in unfair stereotypes about sex and men.

Instead, let’s get to the high calling of sexually pleasing our husbands.

Here are 5 ways to sexually please your husband…

1. Be sexually confident.

Do you want your husband sexually?  Do you initiate?

Do you occasionally take the lead in bed and let him be on the receiving end of all things sexual?

How willing are you to bless him with your hands? Your mouth? Your breasts? Your entire body and soul?

I once wrote a guest post titled “I Think the Proverbs 31 Wife Liked Being On Top.”  It’s more than a catchy title.

I was simply trying to throw falsehoods to the wind that being a strong and faithful Christian wife is incongruent with being sexually confident.  If anything, being a Christian wife should go hand-in-hand with sexual confidence.

Marriage is the one place where sex is not a sin.  All other circumstances that involve sex are intricately entwined with grieving the Lord’s heart.

But your marriage bed?  That’s where we can confidently embrace sexual intimacy for all it is worth.

If you are not sure how to grow in your sexual confidence, the good news is you can learn.

2. Enjoy your orgasm and his orgasm.

I’ve long held to the mantra that while orgasm may not be everything, it certainly is a very strong something.

And though I know for some women in particular, having an orgasm EVERY time is not necessary for the sexual encounter to be fulfilling, I always get a little leery if a wife says she couldn’t care less about climaxing.  Really?!

God created orgasmic pleasure.  That was 100% His idea for a husband and a wife.  That being the case, why do we not pursue it with fervor and abandon and deep gratitude to the Creator?

When you as a wife climax, it is not only good for you, it is incredibly affirming to your husband (at least if he is like most husbands). That’s why I wrote the post 3 Reasons Your Husband Likes it When You Climax.

Husbands, if you are reading this and you have been a selfish lover, ignoring what it will take for her to climax, find some humility, okay?  Stop being selfish. It’s not helping you or your marriage.

And if you are a wife who struggles with climaxing, consider the posts I’ve written about orgasm on my orgasm page.

3. Bring God into the bedroom.

Whoa.  Did I just say that?

I think too many Christian wives allow themselves to be held captive by sexual inhibition that is anything but Christian. In fact, they may even be sacrificing their intimacy on the altar of inhibition.

Proverbs 5:18-19 tells the man, “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer — may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.”

So there we have it, straight from the Lord:  A “fountain” (code word for penis), a wife, breasts, satisfaction, captivation and love.    Doesn’t sound like inhibition to me, but rather sounds like ravenous delight in marital intimacy.

Check your heart to see if it is aligned with God’s Word on what it means to freely and passionately enjoy sex with your husband.

When you pursue your husband sexually, you aren’t just saying yes to sex, you are saying yes to the Lord.  Invite Him into your bedroom.  He’s already there, but I imagine would be happy if you acknowledged it.

4. Be sexually playful with your clothes on.

You don’t want to tease unless you are going to follow through, so make sure your sexual playfulness is alluring, not aggravating.  I’m amazed at how many husbands and wives no longer have fun turning each other on.

If you struggle with being sexually playful, then you’re just going to have to get out of your comfort zone and try something. Here are 5 ways to be sexually playful while clothed.

5. Learn some new sexual skills.

Don’t know how to perform oral sex?  Don’t know how to give a hand job?  Aren’t sure the best ways to turn your husband on?  Aren’t sure about positions other than missionary style?

You’re not alone.  Most wives don’t intuitively know how to have amazing sex.  Ask your husband to help you understand what is arousing to him.  Or check out the deliciously wonderful resources available on the Christian market.

Any other ideas on how to sexually please a husband? Do tell.

Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

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100 thoughts on “5 Ways to Sexually Please Your Husband

  1. Terry says:

    I forgot to mention that although my husband and I have been married 6 years we’ve loved each other for 30 years. I never cheated on him. We were high school sweethearts and I was 16 years old. One of many things I love about my husband is he has never forced himself on me or made me feel guilty about not having sex. Not even when we were teenagers. I made him work for it and he earned it. What I saw and experienced as a young girl/woman and because I was a Christian and the pressure it put on females I didn’t want to have sex. Unless I knew that person loved me and wanted to marry me or potential was there. Even now if I’m too tired or not feeling well my husband respects me and because of that I don’t make him wait too long. If it’s been too long which is rare my husband will say ok baby I need some of my wife’s good loving. I dated a guy when I was young that didn’t care if I was sick, mother nature was there, tired I believe if I was a corpse he still would have tried. Men be gentle with your wives. As a Christian I heard over and over plenty how a woman should please her man but I never heard it the other way around. The bible also says that husbands should be humble to your wife. A woman likes it rough sometimes but wants it gentle too. Love her passionately, slow and with all your heart. Being too rough, quick and fast jumping up and down all the time not only is a turn off but it’s selfish and there is no pleasure in that for a woman. Even if your wife doesn’t say it she will show you if she’s not pleased. It makes a woman feel like she is just a release person and she is of no other value to him. You should always want to make your wife want to come back for more. Not avoid sex and pretend to have a headache. If it’s an erectile dysfunction get help. Don’t just run to the pill. There are options natural and healthy ones. You owe it to your wife to do all you can as she does you.

  2. Terry says:

    Ok. My husband pull the picture and website up and it was a lady with lingerie. Victoria secret is what he said he was buying and didn’t want me to see the gift. He admitted he has watched porn but not since the time I saw it on his computer. Something he never told me before but that his grandmother introduced it too him because it was how she introduced womens body to teach him about sex. He never knew his father who died when he was young. Back then there was nothing else because people were hesitant and closed minded about sex. Especially in the church. He convinced me with his story but part of me still thinks he was watching porn. But I let it go because at least he is still attracted to me and has his personal pictures of his wife. He promises as a Christian man, husband and father that he has not in a long time and will not look at porn ever again. I will continue to pray for my husband and myself. Because that demon was embedded at a young age. It was a strong hold and if he over came it I am proud of him and will not bring it up. This goes for all of us what’s done in the dark will come to the light. God sees all we do good and bad. My mom and I love each other and God and will continue to work on our marriage. As far as the bedroom as far as I am concerned that is not and has not been a problem.

  3. Terry says:

    Besides social media has plenty of porn what can you do. You can watch live God help those who are confused with things that are not of you and your will in teaching people about the love of Christ and not lovers of them selves.

  4. Adebanjo says:

    What are the natural ways of dealing with Premature Ejaculation? My wife is not happy having sex with me because of this problem

  5. southern gent says:

    “Sheet Music” by Kevin Leman gives some good “exercises” and thoughts to make this less pronounced.

  6. Chance says:

    I believe there are those who have no desire for it and coming from a 15 year marriage with no sex in the last 9 years, these articles are amazing and eye opening. Like Topper, when you do all you can to the best of your ability through council, pastoral advice, life change and others. Its hard when she finally gives you divorce papers after trying for so long to remain faithful and not cheat. Wether it’s restoration with my ex or another marriage down the line, I hope whole heartedly that I will find someone who believes in this…..and will work together side by side….thanks for the honest posts….again like Topper commented, it sureal for me as well to see that there are those out there like this….actually gives a hope…Thanks

  7. John Gendi says:

    I having a continuing argument with my wife for the reason of express love in our marriage.I as a husband, regularly hug and kisses her lips and in return she never been love to me. She never come by and kissed my lips in her own discretion.

  8. helen says:

    My husband and i make love at least every second day..mostly twice a day.I took up yoga and keep fit…he has a wife and vixen in me..we both enjoy love making…i agre that God wants us to do so and as wives we must honor our husbands in this was as well.

  9. Lyn says:

    My husband likes oral sex on him I am a. It shy and somehow feel this is not love but sex for the sake of him bring satifsfked he also has Ed and I am left unfulfilled is giving him oral sex ok I feel very unv
    Comfortable trying this

  10. A says:

    Lyn it’s more then OK “God loves a cheerful giver.”We often times think of money when we hear this bible partial verse but it can be applied to married sex as well. Sex is not the purpose of marriage it is the result of the oneness of a man and a women. I often think what did Adam do after saying bone of my bone flesh of my flesh after awakening from a deep sleep when God made Eve for Him? I’m almost sure this couple spend lots of time spent examining each other very closely. Touching feeling and enjoying anything there innocent minds could come up with. That’s how God feels about anything you do together with your bodies. My wife waited somewhere close to 28 of marriage before she started giving me oral sex. Take a nice shower maybe even shave your vagina area and give him the invitation to give you oral sex but don’t force it! That’s how we started. At first it will feel like you are being a bad naughty girl. But that will change knowing God is good with your invitation. When you finially start delighting in this act of love done for you you will probably start returning the favour. That’s how it went with the two of us. Today lets say it’s a whole new sexual world for us. Google and read 2010 amazing oral Christian sex. A

  11. DedicatedToGod says:

    I haven’t read the comments yet, and this is going back a while. But … wow, you really nailed it. All of these are spot on. I think my wife is more aroused when I share how God blesses us, even in the most intimate times. Sometimes it is just mentioning how grateful I am that God has given me a beautiful wife in and out of the bedroom. And while being sexually confident is tough (yes, for us men too), it is a wonderful goal that is attainable as trust is built. Finally, I definitely want my wife to have the very best in our bedroom, from the best foreplay to the very best climax. It is our time, not just my time.

  12. T says:

    A comment referring to Lyn.
    I am impotent due to prostate cancer for 9 years now. No natural erections. Wife is too sensitive for oral, but I love it but very rarely have it. A limp penis is too tiring for my wife – when it happens, I’ve gone to heaven. There is no ejaculate so no issue there. Does anyone have such an issue and how is oral handled by you on a limp penis?
    Thank you.

  13. A says:

    I love all of the info I have read because it’s so fantastic for couples to know that God created intimacy and love for those who are married. I wanted to know how can I as a wife get over my shyness in the bedroom? I’m not very confident and it shows. There are so many things that I always want to tell my husband but for fear of rejection or not knowing how he will perceive it. I just keep it to my self. He is fantastic and loving but I need to get rid of my fear and express myself more freely as well as initiate sex. I always feel like I’m going to disappoint him especially when it comes to oral sex.

  14. Julie Sibert says:

    Hello A… I encourage you to go through my lists of past posts to find ones that will be helpful. Key is don’t give up! You can build your sexual confidence. A lot of it comes down to being honest with your husband about your shyness and your desire to become less inhibited. Scroll through my past posts and I know you will find ones that will help:


  15. Lazaren says:


    I am curious in your thoughts on women dressing seductively, i.e. lingerie, high heels, etc…

    Also and I don’t want to be vulgar but is it wrong for a husband to want to climax during oral sex?

    Thanks, Lazaren

  16. Julie Sibert says:

    @Lazaren… thank you for your comment! As far as wearing attractive clothing, etc., when you are in public, I think it is fine as long as the clothing doesn’t reveal too much. You need to strive to dress attractively, but not lose modesty in the process. As far as how you dress in the privacy and exclusivity of your marriage, I think you are free to dress very seductively… lingerie, etc., are great if you enjoy this and your husband enjoys it! Key is that it is within the privacy of your lovemaking.

    As far as a husband wanting to climax during oral sex, I think this is very common. A wife may not want to swallow or receive the semen into her mouth, but some wives don’t mind this. Key is good communication and respect between a husband and a wife so that they are nurturing fun and satisfying sexual encounters, but not forcing one spouse to do something they don’t want to do. Good place of compromise. If a wife doesn’t want to swallow, maybe she can remove her mouth right as her husband is about to climax and then finish stimulating him with her hand.

    Thanks for commenting!

  17. Larry B says:

    It is very common for the husband to want to climax from or during oral sex. For the wives, let me say that this is so for 2 main reasons. First, perhaps obvious, is that the husband is receiving very exciting and pleasurable sensations from his wife such that he does not want the action to stop prior to climaxing. The second reason is that most husbands derive emotional satisfaction when their wife shares in and participates in their climax. This is the shared intimacy.

    For wives who are working on building sexual confidence, the important thing is having and keeping a positive and enthusiastic attitude. Do not worry so much about technique or the mechanics of the act.

  18. Rhianna says:

    My hubby loves deep kissing and giving me manual stimulation while I do the same to him as foreplay….for me a good kiss is just as good….the other reason he likes kissing me is because we both get very aroused (me very wet him erect) and this leads to the most satisfying lovemaking ever. Also he enjoys me calling his name during……we also thank God for giving his people the gift of love during marriage

  19. Kel says:

    My wife and I been together for 7 years, 2 of those years married. I feel like throughout our relationship I’ve initiated sex with her, but she hardly ever initiates unless I question about her lack of initiation. Whenever this subject comes up, she’ll always tell me that she will start initiating more often. Somehow, the result still ends up the same. I sometimes feel like she doesn’t want to put any effort into the bedroom, but she put soooooo much effort into having the house sparkling clean. I would try talking, letting her know she’s beautiful, I would give her pecks on the cheek and bottom, just showing my compassion how much I love her. Please tell me how I should resolve this?


  20. Nancy says:

    This is such a touchy(no pun intended)subject. I’ve been married and with my husband for about 20 years. I have always kept myself in great shape which is probably put me in the situation of having the higher drive. I love making love and am always ready to stimulate him how he likes it, but how I would love for him to get more into being with me. He is a very subdued man that doesn’t like to talk about our intimacy at all. When I bring the topic up, I get a “sounds good”, but then he rarely follows through. It makes me so sad, because I feel like my enjoyment days are numbered. I have had MS for 13 years and each year the potential of fatigue and things not working correctly weighs on my mind. I guess “let’s do it before I can’t”. I guess trying to find the bright side, I have been partnered with a man that I never have to worry about cheating on me when that time comes. He just doesn’t have interest. And yes, all the reasons why have been looked at and aren’t the problem except being a work-a-holic. I’m in the office with him in our business. We actually get along better at the office. Ok, now I am rambling. God bless all of you and Happy Easter.

  21. Anabee says:

    I have been with my husband for, three years (new marriage) and he complains quite a bit about not having enough of sexual activity, we literally have sex in the morning, quickies in the afternoon, and usually hardcore sex at night, 3 times a day 5 days a week, I feel we keep our love life Spicy but he still complains on wanting more, i have expressed to him, Im tired and maybe we should cut down the sex to two times days a day compared to three, “his reply was, well we can subitute sex with oral sex in the afternoon, now I’m to the point where I don’t want have no sexual activity at all……he wasn’t like this while we were dating

  22. percy says:

    My wife ration me for sex if she gives me today the next one is about two or three weeks but when I speak about sex she says that’s all you have in your head but when we have it she enjoys It

  23. CrisCris says:

    My husband and I have been married for 13 years, together 14 years, and have three wonderful children together. I will admit that there’s been times in our marriage when we didn’t have much sex for different reasons (he and I both worked long hours, kids​, etc) and it affected every aspect of our marriage even though we didn’t realize it at the time. I did realize it after a lull in our lovemaking that we both needed each other’s affections and that sometimes life had to wait. We needed​ each other and craved each other. But that didn’t mean that it had to be the same ole predictible way either.
    That’s when, we as wives, need to get proactive in our marriages​ (before then if possible) and “spice things up”?.
    I started to give my hubby amazing (at least I hope so ?) strip teases and those lead to lap dances and those lead to well, you know. He’s my husband and I’m his wife so there is nothing “sinful” in doing so although it might feel like it at first. It would be sinful, however, if he were to go to lust after strippers in a strip club. Plus, it’s a great aerobic workout for me, it helps me feel more confident and sexual, and no, you don’t have to have a pole to make it work. No, I don’t do the same dance every time, nor do I dance every single time. That’d get predictible and that’s what we don’t need!
    Bottom line is men, even Christian men, can get tempted from time to time. One way to stop temptation in it’s ugly tracks is to keep it exciting with your hubby. Keep “it” happening and happening often. Don’t be afraid to look into Christian ways to keep the flames burning. God wants us to experience pleasure and love in our spouses, lovemaking, and marriages.
    Praying works! There is nothing wrong with praying for your spouse in this subject area and there’s nothing wrong with praying for this part of your marriage! ??
    GOD BLESS each of you and keep the FAITH!!! ???

  24. Fustrated says:

    My husband has had ED for 2 years now. He says he know he has a problem, but I don’t feel he actually excepts it, because he is always making comments about taking care of his wife meaning sexually and I have expressed to him that the sex is for him because I’m not getting any gratification from it. With Gods help I have gotten my sexual urges under control and I am totally committed to my husband and have never cheated. I realize he still have needs for sex and I allow him to enjoy himself even though I am not getting any gratification. He doesn’t want to do anything medical to make it better, but he doesn’t want to give it up. And he insists on trying to turn me on. I don’t know how to get through to him that I am fine where we are. I am not going anywhere.

  25. Todd says:

    This is my wife’s second marriage and my first. We have been married for 20 years. Her first husband wanted, maybe demanded sex, she says, every day. Once we were married, she told me that she had to have sex with him every day and that would not be happening with us. This was day one, and it set the tone of our future.

    Wanting to respect the fact that she came out of such a demanding relationship, I backed off and decided to let her let me know when sex was okay. We typically have had sex 3-5 times per years for the last 20 years and I feel it has really taken its toll on me as a man. I won’t even go into the internal, mental struggles with masculine failure I go through.

    Neither one of us were Christians when we got married. As a philosophy student in college, I actively sought out answers and eventually came to Christ. My wife’s first husband claimed to be a Christian and she was disturbed when I started looking in to Christianity. though, once I got her to church, she said she felt like she was home.

    We have both always worked outside the home. It was very important to me that we start each morning as a family together. (Our daughter, from her first marriage, was eight years old when we got married.) My wife didn’t cook, so I made breakfast (I’m talking about Eggs, bacon and hash browns, not cereal or Pop-Tarts) every morning and made everyone’s lunches. Again, since she didn’t like to cook, I made dinner each night. It only made sense that since I was the one who knew what was going on in the kitchen that I also did all of the shopping.

    I’m not trying to paint a picture that it was me doing all of the work and being mistreated. That’s not it at all. She works very hard, as do I, for each other and our family. Most of our marriage, we were teachers. We now own a small restaurant.

    After several years and having had sex only a handful of times, it was obvious that me being patient and waiting for her to initiate sex at the level she felt comfortable with, was not going to happen. The few times that I initiated it, I wasn’t necessarily refused (though sometimes I was), but getting started was awkward and she would tell me that she wasn’t likely to be in the mood if I didn’t do things during the day to let her know I was thinking about her. Otherwise she felt like I was just wanting her for the sex.

    I always tried to make our meals include her favorites, or at least her preferences. I always made eggs two different ways, meaning two different pans to season and wash because she preferred scrambled. I tried to make dinners that she would be excited about, in hopes that she would be eager to come to the table, maybe even help or have the kids set the table (instead, I often had to sit at the table I set, waiting for her and the kids to arrive). I would try to pick up something special for her when I was shopping, tried to split the laundry and do some vacuuming. Appearantly, this was not enough for her to accept that I was thinking of her through the day.

    I admit that I wasn’t vocal about things like telling her she was beautiful or complimenting her hair or clothes, etc., but I felt like If I wanted to have sex that night, I had to start in the morning dropping all of these hints and comments for there to be a chance. The problem was that maybe I didn’t know at breakfast that I would want sex badly enough that night to finally work up the courage to try something.

    I turned to porn. This drove her further away obviously. She made it clear that her first husband was addicted to porn, etc. I’ve spent years battling those desires off and on. I don’t have a problem with it anymore and haven’t for years. I knew it was wrong and had to get it out of my life, but for years would have an occasional relapse. I spent a lot of time beating myself up as I tried to find God’s way of dealing with it. I have spent a lot of years with an overwhelming urge to cheat on my wife. Honestly, at times, the only reason I didn’t was because, over the years, I had put on a lot of weight and was very embarrassed of my body and not likely to be successful finding to the kind of woman I was attracted to, who would be interested in me. (Who is interested in more rejection?).

    Over the years I’m sure I became difficult to live with, gruff, grumpy and short fused. We have had a few (seriously, only a few) big arguments that come down to me not saying enough nice things and making her feel appreciated. I often resent my wife. I often feel like many of my personal failures, which I beat myself up for, might have been avoided if my wife had helped me feel more like a man. I know beating myself up isn’t the right way to deal with things. I eventually get out of that mode with prayer and the Word.

    Any time she went to a women’s retreat, or women’s ministry, I prayed with all my being that part of the conversation would be about a woman’s obligation to be having sex with her husband or how a woman who is sexual with her husband can make him stronger, more confident and frankly more of what a man should be and was created to be. Appearantl you, that’s not what women talk about at those things.

    A couple of weeks ago, she said God revealed to her, after 20 years, that she should apologize for not trusting me with sex I when we got married. But that was it. She just said sorry. No trying to make up for it. No discussion of her committing to make it better or the 20 year nightmare it has put me through.

    I told her two days ago what this has all done to me. That involved me telling her how much she has hurt me, etc. She is still very upset at the hurtful things I said to her. I don’t want to go to counceling, because I don’t want to talk about my wife’s and my sex life with another man and I don’t trust a woman to understand, because Christian women (not you obviously) don’t seem to want to face their responsibility of being sexual partners to their husbands, let alone aggressively pursuing sex with him.

    She tells me that she has spent years trying to find guidance on this, but it’s not there. She makes it sound like she has done everything possible to deal with this. How can that possibly be? I Googled, “How can I please my husband,” and your article was the second hit on the first page. I wish she would care enough to put in even that much effort.

    So she set up counceling for herself with a female at some other church. I’m sure that will turn in to, “Well, I’d really like to see the two of you together.” I am sick and tired of this coming back to me. Just my irritation at being asked to join the counceling is going to be evidence enough (to some strange woman councelor) that I’m the problem, or all of the things I need to work on. I know I’m not perfect. I know there are things I should be doing that I don’t always do. But I am worn down.

    After having employees not show up and having to pull an unexpected shift at the restaurant after church yesterday, I had hoped that our talk would have made her resolve to figuring out how to be a wife who pleases her husband sexually. Instead, she spent the time being upset, and now my opening up to her and telling her what 20 years of scant sex has done to me, has become about how much she is hurt by what I said. She clearly, once again, has no intention of making a change.

    I am sorry for the length of this post. I guess I’m not really even expecting a response. I just needed to vent in a setting where it seems people would understand.


  26. Carl says:

    I believe that any spouse who withhold sex willfully will answer to God for this.

    It would have been better if they never married.

  27. Nishia says:

    I am not married but will love to be one day, for all married couples you have to make sure you please one another that is the most important thing that is what keeps the relationship going, you have to know what your mate like and dislikes take time to learn that, keep it spicy always ask and make sure ur mate is pleased and just love, love love each other and god of course.

  28. Francoise Mccrae says:

    Thanks to Admin for sharing such a good article related to relationship. I am a 32 yrs old Housewife. I want to keep my husband happy. Will try your advices. Keep sharing such good topics. I will recommend this link to my Friends.

  29. MrsH says:


    Your comment makes me want to help you after reading how your wife has treated you. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Something my husband and I do is read the Bible together, hold hands, snuggle on the couch/bed to watch a movie or a stand up comedian. A big thing he does is he listens to me which makes me feel so loved and is a turn on. My opinions could be nonsense and very wackadoodle but he listens anyway and shares his feelings too. This is all a part of our respect and intimacy for each other. This has directly related to our satisfying love making in bed.
    The Bible in 1 Corinthians 7 talks about the body of a married person belonging to their mate. Your wife sounds like she is being selfish and disobedient to the Lord. You are both one flesh. Spiritually, you take the lead and are her spiritual head just as you submit to Christ. She is wrong for withholding her body and affection from you. I pray she will be moved to give you the love and intimacy you need.

  30. Pingback:  What I Learned About Sex After My First Marriage Failed - The Forgiven Wife

  31. John Brannon says:

    Julie, what happened to your original pages/blog about WHY you started this blog? I can’t find some of your original comments now?
    Also I have noticed that good Christian women who start blogs to try and help wives understand they should participate more in sex with their husbands are under attack from WOMEN. THE FORGIVEN WIFE has been pounded by insults from angry gatekeepers until she surrendered. Other blogs are also dropping the defense of men to avoid being assaulted verbally by women?
    Don’t let these feminists run you off (and one of your closest friends ) just because of their anger that you tried to address the truth.
    These once helpful blogs are becoming 50-50 to pacify these women who will not admit gatekeeping.
    It is too bad to see meanness win out. Pretty soon it will be ALL the husbands who have no sex drive.

  32. Julie Sibert says:

    @John Brannon… thank you for stopping by the blog and commenting! Really appreciate it! I do have a page about what I believe… https://intimacyinmarriage.com/about/what-i-believe/

    And also a page on why I started the blog… https://intimacyinmarriage.com/about/

    Hope this is helpful! I appreciate your encouragement and I definitely plan to keep writing and fostering good dialogue on nurturing intimacy in marriage. I pray whatever I write reaches who most needs to hear it at the time.

  33. karan george says:

    In marriage, keeping the sex alive is very tough. Both the partners have to give their 100% to keep the love blossom all the time. I personally, advise all married couples to support their partner, trust them and help them every time they need you. Your support is everything your partner needs the most!!

  34. Larry B says:

    John Brannon, above, calls attention to the attacks by some women on Christian women marriage bloggers.

    The reason we need good Christian marriage bloggers (both wives and husbands) is that many Christians are struggling in their marriages on a number of issues. Healthy sexual intimacy is a stumbling block for many married Christians. This is sad.

    Please Julie keep your helpful and constructive posts coming. A cautionary word for wives: one of the surest ways to destroy your husband’s love for you is to play gate keeper or refuser when it comes to sexual intimacy. Please do not harm your marriage.

  35. jay bea says:

    here is my problem…….been married 40 plus years…….my wife has never once intiated sex sober or drunk………the last 14 years we haven’t sexual intercourse…… .everything i tried was meet with “that’s sick and perverted”…………if we had sex …i think that it was pity sex or duty sex…….if we had sex its only on her back……..no other way…..i help around the house both inside and out…….i feel that i have a roommate instead of a wife……i would her to dress sexy even if only in the bedroom………..flannel is the norm………..i bought her sexy things to wear………i ended up throwing everything i bought her away…….after 20 years of not wearing anything…………..i went to marriage counseling……she would not……she said that she doesn’t have a problem………i no longer touch her at all………no hugs…..kissing….cuddling…etc…….she says i’m being mean to her…….really……..this just didn’t just happen…………..it’s been that way all of the time we have been together………..my friends said always on that i should have divorced her after the first couple of years we were married……..i don’t know if i should end it and move on with my life……….i wonder sometimes if she is asexual or has ISD…….she says that she didn’t get raped or anything………i wonder if there is something from her past that she won’t admit to……..otherwise she is a good person.

  36. Steve says:


    I’m a new reader, but feel like I’ve been a part for decades. I want my wife to be satisfied, but I’m struggling. We shed to attack each other, and that was good enough. Now she saves her cervix has moved and that an orgasm from intercourse is not possible. What I need to do to satisfy her changes daily. Sex is no longer fun

  37. Babs says:

    Hi Steve,
    I have been married for 15 years from but sexual intimacy has been a myriad in my marriage. I have been the one always wanting an intimacy, always initiating, sex, kissing, hug etc because I love my wife and I don’t want to sin against God, but my wife has never been so particular about that. It has always been rejection… rejection always complaining that I do not love her enough. Whenever I initiate sex move that is when she we remember the time I did something to her. I do not want divorce but I am deeply hurt, lonely and depressed. Please, help me!!!

  38. Dwight Hasbrouck says:

    Yes! Another A+++ article.????
    I often drift off to the just imagine zone. I quickly return to reality and focus on God.
    Tragic for me that my wife checked out from sexual intimacy on 1/2/2015.
    I have been in locked in the cell of celibacy ever since. 1Corinthians 7:1-11 is what I adhere to.
    My wife could care less about what God commands the husband and wife. My best sex was when I was still lost.
    Yes it was sin but the women were each so into giving and receiving sexually. Very interesting dynamic.
    My marriage died in all areas a long time ago along with my wife choosing to live life on her terms and not by God’s commands.
    I am one of endless millions of husbands who are married and alone.☹??☠

  39. Steve S. says:

    I thought I was alone in my suffering from being married to a sexless wife. I don’t feel any better about not having sex with my wife but at least now I know where to find a lot of company!

    46 1/2 years of marriage and not once did she show any affection to me. No hugs, kisses, no ‘I love you” and when sex was offered, it was always missionary sex on her back without so much as “hmmmm, that feels good”.

    She had a massive stroke in Jan 2002 and that was the end of intimacy. Celibate for 15+ years and now dealing with the grief!

    She passed away Sept 23, 2017 and I still miss her to this day even though she was a very cold fish. Now, I know just how much I loved her!

  40. Robert Dukes says:

    As a Pastor I preach God’s word, God’s word includes
    sex, however I’ve taken note, sex scares people, it is well digested if I preach against sex,
    Adultry, fornication, homosexuality, they say amen, If I preach about defrauding your husband your wife, the need for sex, marrying for sex, Pastor there are children here?
    Why is it acceptable to preach against sex when it’s wrong but not for sex when it is right? I’ve preached many times intimacy in marriage is what worship is in Church, oh no there he goes again, I see it on their faces.
    One reason there is so much perversion in society today is because Pastors have been silent on encouraging sex in marriage. Hence people who are suppose to have sex do not, and people who are not suppose to have sex are, we have given satan lead way to deceive people.

  41. Rachel says:

    As a woman I feel the need to enlighten some of the men here who’s wives are withholding, or making it feel like “pity relations”. I read a lot of comments from men saying the wife never initiates, says no more times than yes and avoid foreplay, kissing and only want missionary when they do give in. This is hard to admit. I was like this with my 1st husband. I actually figured out to pretend to enjoy the act with him because it was over a lot faster if he thought I was excited by him. I got to the point where I could get him off in under a minute. Having him last for 30 seconds or less was even better and because of that I let him have me often. We’ve been divorced 16 years now. He’s on his 3rd marriage and his current wife just doesn’t even allow him to touch her. Due to this he has a memory of our marriage as our sexual chemistry being the strongest part of our relationship. He could not be more wrong. He repulsed me!!! Within a year of our marriage he’d gained over 50+ pounds and no longer wore the clothes I’d found attractive on him. He looked 9 months pregnant with triplets when I was the pregnant one. I quickly lost the baby weight after each kid and even kept myself 5 pounds underwheight as he likes thin petite women. I kept myself attractive for him and he was proud to have a wife who other men found attractive. Though I was always faithful he enjoyed knowing other men wanted me and it made him want me more. Now why would he not do the same for me? I told him so many times that I took marriage vows before God that I would only be with him for the rest of my life. I can’t tell you how depressing it was to be a young wife in my twenties who had a husband I found so unappealing. He thought it was a wife’s duty to love him unconditionally and that as his wife God wanted me to happily submit myself to my husband. I knew I wasn’t broken as I could give myself please. I also found myself attracted to other men often. Even men more than twice his age as they’d kept themselves looking good by watching what they ate and working out. We had plenty of money and actually belonged to three gyms since they were included in our Country Club Memberships. He frequently took me on romantic date nights and weekends away. We’d bring the Nanny and kids along and once a month would go away alone. We got along great and he was my best friend. But after 7 years I could no longer pretend any longer. He’d only gained more weight and became even more selfish in the bedroom. Hey he was being taken care of and having regular orgasms 3 to 5 days a week within only minutes of us being intimate. Sometimes it was only 15 seconds before he was satisfied. To be honest though if it had lasted 15 minutes I’d probably have puked. Fast forward to today. I’ve been re-married for 8 years together for 11 years. My current husband is in his early 50’s and is 9 years older than me. Our intimate life is actually even better 11 years into our relationship because we know how to please each other. Foreplay can be an hour plus (especially as it takes longer to get him fully hard as he’s gotten older) but I love that we get that extra time. He’s incredibly gentle and it’s a turn on for him to see me turned on. He’s giving in bed and will go down on me till I climax. I also really enjoy his scent. He could be sweaty and dirty from yard work and I’ll want him even more than if he was freshly showered. This is a biggie!!!! I couldn’t stand the natural scent of my 1st husband. 1st husband is a very clean person bty who showers twice daily. He gets bi-weekly mani/pedis and wore expensive colognes and his teeth have always been glistening white. He’s very financially successful, good natured, funny, smart and has been a good Christian father to our kids. Putting them in private Christian school and along with his 3rd wife they go to church every Sunday. He’s even a bit more endowed than my husband though they were both on the large size 8+ (sorry if TMI) I recently found my journal I kept the year before I left my 1st husband. In it I mention I was always short tempered with him. I would get mad at him so easily over things that I shouldn’t have or that wouldn’t have bothered me had someone else did them. I’d pick fights, get my feelings hurt etc. When I was upset with him he’d try so hard to please me. Special dinners, flowers delivered, expensive gifts for which he’d be rewarded with sexual relations. However the night I picked the fight or was upset with him he didn’t “get any” and the more often he would upset me than the more often I didn’t have to put out for him. Our you following my gist here??? The sad truth is that though I loved my 1st husband I wasn’t “in love” or to be more specific I was straight up NOT attracted to him. I loved him and cared about him as a person but really more like a brother. He was the father of my kids. He took great care of me. In my journal I wrote that what I was doing “was unfair to him” and it was. I wanted to divorce him so that he could have the chance to find a woman who truly loved him and wanted him sexually. Now I am not asexual at all. I love a good romp. I literally physically crave my husband. Just writing that has made me warm and tingly. When my current husband touches me or even looks at me my skin gets hot with desire. With my 1st husband he would make my skin crawl in a bad way. This was not post partem either. He’s continued to want me and I’m ashamed to admit but I let him have pity relations with me when I was single and he was on his 2nd divorce. This not only didn’t give me any pleasure but once again repulsed me and I’d been with other men by then who I’d stay in bed with for 2 days just ravishing each other. Had I’d stayed married to him I have no doubt in my mind that I’d have stopped allowing him to touch me. Especially if it started lasting longer than a minute. He’d be one of these Christian men saying his wifes just not a sexual person. Men us women for the most part enjoy sex as much as you do. If your wifes not having sex with you it may be as simple as my situation. I wasn’t attracted to my 1st husband. Love is a choice but attraction is not a choice. Attraction is either there or it’s not. It can waver and sometimes come and go. But it never disappears completely and it always comes back. However it never happened at ALL for me with my 1st husband. Even now I’ve never regretted the divorce. I regret letting touch me at all ever to be honest. If you are married and not having mutually satisfying sex I say consider leaving. Cause it’s not likely to improve unless you leave and find a woman who wants you and your wife may actually be wanting it but just not with you. don’t take it personally as attraction has nothing to do with looks. attraction can’t be faked or created out of thin air

  42. Glory says:

    My husband has had ED for 2 years now. He says he know he has a problem, but I don’t feel he actually excepts it, because he is always making comments about taking care of his wife meaning sexually and I have expressed to him that the sex is for him because I’m not getting any gratification from it. With Gods help I have gotten my sexual urges under control and I am totally committed to my husband and have never cheated. I realize he still have needs for sex and I allow him to enjoy himself even though I am not getting any gratification. He doesn’t want to do anything medical to make it better, but he doesn’t want to give it up. And he insists on trying to turn me on. I don’t know how to get through to him that I am fine where we are. I am not going anywhere.


  43. DeCaff says:

    I was never sexually pleased! Married over 50 years and I never knew he wasn’t into any kind of sex. We never had sex before being married, so after that day he thought sex was disgusting and humans should never have sex or intimacy. We did have sex a couple of times then he decided he had enough. So I was informed that he no longer was going to bother with sex any more and he was moving his things to our basement and I was to leave him alone, don’t talk to him again. I whined and complained and then he moved to the midnight shift at his work and worked long hours, all week ends and holidays, some times he never came home slept in his truck and showered at work. This was done because he didn’t want to listen to me and to be alone. He did say if I wanted to leave he wouldn’t stop me, but I made the mistake of staying. Now its 50 years later and things hadn’t changed, he has since moved out of the house to his own building with work shop garage. Marriage was horrible, no children, no husband he was just the caretaker of the property and no real husband. My attitude about our marriage and men changed, I don’t care anymore, I have my own friends and do what ever I want. I could have stayed single. I think all men are monsters and want nothing to do with any of them.

  44. DeCaff says:

    For my husband there is a 6th way to please him, and it is just leave him alone and don’t talk to him. Married 55 years and has no interest in sex or any thing involving me. The only thing we’ve done together is get married. We act much like apartment dwellers coming and going. He doesn’t live in the same house as I, he built one of those tiny homes connected to a work shop, garage for his beater truck and other devices he uses around the house and yard. He has no friends everything is for himself but I’m well cared for. Nice car not new but nice, good clothes, health care, vacations all the things I like.
    He said he married me because that was what I wanted, he didn’t want to deal with all the whining and crying. For me I made a terrible mistake, secondly I should have left him and I regret each day. Now to old to care any more I just do my own thing. Years ago I thought he was gay or had some sweet little thing on the side! That was untrue he had only his work, garage and his lonelyness.

  45. DJ says:

    @Rachel…..I have to respond to what you wrote, as it is the perfect example of the disconnect between the way men and women communicate. After reading your comment, I get it. I really do. But it took ALL of that time and energy out of both your lives for you to just speak directly and honestly with your first husband. As men, we tend to want direct communication early on. This leads me to my real point, which is that our western culture has made it too easy for women especially to get married under what is essentially false pretense, and then exit the marriage with no real accountability for why it didn’t work. We have to start teaching our young women what men are really wanting – that includes communication, sex, attitude, housework, everything. That way, we can help eliminate some of this false pretense by which people are getting married and we can get back to teaching how serious of a commitment marriage is. Your situation had 3 possible outcomes, and you chose what I would consider the 3rd option. #1 would be to stay in your 1st marriage, COMMUNICATE, and do whatever work needed to make things better for the both of you. #2 would have been to never married the man in the first place, because I get the . #3 would be to divorce and eventually remarry, but with the real truth about attraction not being ignored. It irks me so much to continue to hear women who know they aren’t holding up their end of the deal, keep finding ways to weasel out of it and into another situation before finally admitting the truth. So much time and hurt could be saved if women really understood why clear and direct communication is just a better way to go, especially in relationships.

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