Years ago, I was having lunch with a woman who would eventually become one of my closest friends.
At the time of our lunch all those years ago, we were new colleagues, and we soon discovered we had a plethora of things in common — our love of sex being one of them.
To say she and I had great ease in talking about sex in our marriages would be an understatement. To this day, she is a confidante who I know will always be up for a transparent and authentic conversation about sexual struggles and sexual joys.
At our first lunch together, we eventually came upon the topic of oral sex, to which I said, “Who doesn’t love oral sex?!” She looked at me quizzically and asked, “Giving or receiving?”
“BOTH,” I answered enthusiastically. She agreed.
I know there are many wives out there who have never given oral sex to their husband, or if they have, they do not enjoy it. The reasons can vary, but suffice to say, most reasons would fall into at least one of the below categories:
“I can’t do it without gagging.”
“I associate it with promiscuous behavior.”
“Oral sex is something I did before I was married, and now I feel guilty doing it.”
“It just grosses me out.”
“I don’t think it’s a Christian thing to do.”
“It hurts my neck.”
“I don’t want him to come in my mouth.”
“I don’t know how to give oral sex right.”
“I’m self conscious. I just don’t know what I’m doing.”
If you are steadfast against giving oral sex to your husband, I am not sure if anything I write here is going to sway your opinion the other direction. I also recognize that some couples have mutually agreed to not include oral sex in their sexual intimacy, and I respect this choice.
My experience has been, though, that the exclusion of oral sex is rarely a mutual decision. Someone in the marriage has selfishly dismissed it without genuinely thinking through that decision (or the impact it has on their spouse). My heart is always to challenge people where they may be sabotaging intimacy.
If you are a wife who wants to bless your husband with oral pleasure and — dare I say — get to the point you love it, then stick with me sister. I can help you.
From a biblical standpoint, many theologians (and average everyday Christians) agree with the interpretation of Song of Songs in the Old Testament. This poetic book gives us great imagery of passionate sexual love between a husband and wife. The challenge, of course, is that it is told primarily in allegory and metaphor.
The words “sex” and “oral sex” don’t appear in the book of Song of Songs. But we do get the below passages…
“Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste.” Song of Songs 2:3
“Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” Song of Songs 4:16
“I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride. I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk.” Song of Songs 5:1
“My lover has gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to browse in the gardens and to gather lilies. I am my lover’s and my lover is mine; he browses among the lilies.” Song of Songs 6:2-3
I know. Allegory and metaphor.
For a moment let’s put the interpretation debate aside and rely instead on good ol common sense. You would be hard pressed to find any married couple who thinks the only appropriate way to kiss is face to face with our mouths and lips.
We intuitively know that sexual passion affords us the freedom to kiss our spouse’s neck or their hand or their chest. A husband longs to kiss his wife’s breasts; a wife longs to be aroused this way. And those touches (just to name a few) are arousing.
So why would using our mouth to sexually bless our spouse’s genitals be any different?
It is no different. God has not arbitrarily drawn a line anywhere on our spouse’s body to indicate where sexual pleasure with our mouth is off limits.
“Okay, Julie, even if I can accept that oral sex is okay in God’s eyes, I’ve got all these other hurdles to get past.”
What if I have a strong gag reflex?
If your gag reflex is strong, then you will not be able to take your husband’s penis as deep into your mouth or you will have to go slower and/or you will not be able to swallow when he ejaculates. However, I think a lot of these can be overcome simply through practice.
Note to husbands: If her gag relfex is strong, then you may have to modify your expectations. Certainly you need to not force yourself deeper into her mouth.
Wives, if you can’t handle him coming in your mouth, then ask him to alert you that he is going to come. Pull his penis out of your mouth and let him come on your breasts or on a towel.
What if I associate oral sex with promiscuous behavior?
If you gave someone else (or even your husband) oral sex before you were married, good news! If you repent of that sin, you are indeed forgiven. What made oral sex wrong in those instances wasn’t the act itself, but rather the context in which it happened.
Same can be said when sex is portrayed among singles or glamorized in media, pornography or advertising — context means everything. When sex is taken out of the context of the exclusivity and sacredness of the covenant of marriage, that’s when it becomes sinful.
Oral pleasure with your husband is good and holy and God-honoring. You can choose to not associate oral sex with promiscuous behavior. Your mental stumbling block in this regard is self-created, so choose instead to embrace a healthier perspective.
What if I’m concerned about his hygiene?
This may seem obvious, but have you asked him to shower before he comes to bed — or at the minimum wash his penis and testicles well with a washcloth? I’m guessing that if you make this request with the suggestion that you would then be interested in oral sex, he will oblige.
Note to husbands: Come to bed clean guys. Come on. Clean yourself up down there. Trim the hair a little if you need to; wash thoroughly.
What if I don’t know what I’m doing?
Most insecurities about giving oral sex can be overcome by simply asking him to tell you what feels good. Be honest. Say to him, “I want this to be really good for you, but you’re going to have to help me. Tell me what feels good and what doesn’t.”
When he gives you suggestions, don’t get defensive. The more you can develop good vulnerable dialogue about your sexual intimacy, the better!
Trust me, he wants it to feel good too, so I think he will welcome your request for input.
Note to husbands: Kindly give her some feedback and suggestions. Likewise, ask her what feels good when you please her orally.
What if my neck hurts?
An easy solution to this is have him sit on the edge of the bed and you kneel on the floor as you perform oral sex on him. This way your neck is in a more comfortable position.
What do I do to make oral sex incredible for him?
Beyond asking him what feels good, there are some other techniques that are sure to increase his arousal and enjoyment of oral sex.
Men typically are visual, so have some light in the room and position yourselves so that he gets a good view of what you’re doing. This is easily accomplished by him propping a few pillows behind him.
Also, use your tongue gently up and down the shaft of his penis and his testicles, in addition to taking his entire penis in your mouth. A variety of touches, firm and gentle, with your tongue and hands can make oral sex off the charts for him.
I’ve long said that a good blow job is part hand job too, so don’t think for a moment that you have to use only your mouth. Use your hand as well to stroke his penis firmly as you bring his penis in and out of your mouth. For that matter, don’t be shy about rubbing his penis on your breasts. This can be very arousing for him and quite the visual experience as well.
Oral sex can fit well into your sexual intimacy, often as part of foreplay and occasionally as the main act all together. Communication is key.
I get why he enjoys it. But how can I love giving it?
As a wife, you ethically are the only one in your husband’s life who can sexually please him. No one else is charged with that privilege and responsibility. There is tremendous power in that, and I would argue it is a good and righteous power, because it is a pathway to deeper intimacy with the man you married.
When you grow in your confidence in sexually arousing him, I believe you can find enjoyment in this. You can love giving your husband oral sex, because it’s never just about sex. It’s about blessing the man you fell in love with.
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