As anyone who has followed my blog will know, I am a big proponent of married couples nurturing their sexual intimacy. I’ve written about oral sex before, simply because it is indeed a source of contention within many marriages (maybe even more so among Christian married couples).
Certainly each couple needs to prayerfully and intentionally dialogue about whether oral sex is something they want to explore in their sexual intimacy. Some married couples enjoy oral sex and others don’t desire it at all.
I’ve yet to find anything in the Bible that would prohibit it as an acceptable form of sexual expression between spouses, but that really has nothing to do with the “preference” factor. Like I said — some couples love it and others could take it or leave it.
There is another caveat, though, regarding oral sex that is wreaking havoc in the marriage bed of many couples. It sadly is the double standard that receiving oral sex is valued, but giving it is neglected.
Occassionally, I hear from readers — usually men — who are more than willing to perform oral sex on their wives (who love it by the way). Seems, though, that their wives are not reciprocal. Sometimes the situation is reversed, where a husband wants his wife giving him oral pleasure, but he is less than enthused to do the same for her.
Such a pattern can’t help but lead to resentment, frustration, rejection and so forth. And trust me — there are enough dynamics going on in bed that no one needs to be carelessly tossing negative and hurtful emotions into the mix.
In talking to women, I think wives have more hang ups about performing oral sex than men do. Sometimes they are concerned about cleanliness (a nice shower together before hand can ease those concerns), but also they worry they won’t “do it” correctly. (No wife really wants to admit this, but it’s not like these skills are talked about often and openly on our way into marriage).
Truth be told, most husbands don’t know what they are doing either, until they have had a little guidance and feedback and trial and error.
This is why communication is so important. I know it’s awkward to have such dialogue, but wow what a difference it can make! I mean honestly, who wants to be going to all kinds of effort for mediocre results?
Probably one of the biggest surprises in both receiving and giving oral sex is how much stimulation is often necessary for tremendous pleasure. Sometimes light caressing is nice, but more often than not, at some point, firmer and more specific stimulation is needed for incredible climax. Talk about this, give feedback in an encouraging tone, ask each other what feels good.
Yes, I may be pushing the boundaries a bit with this post. A nice Christian girl like myself getting all introspective and direct about oral sex.
I just don’t think the double standards are a good habit to get into. If you like receiving oral sex, then figure out unselfishly how to give it as well. If you as a married couple see where it has a valid place in your sexual intimacy, then be mutual about it. Your marriage bed is worth it.
Copyright 2010, Julie Sibert, Intimacy In Marriage Blog.