Is Sex Marriage’s Biggest Lie?

marriage lieI’ve received a few emails and comments as of late that echo the below sentiment (or some resemblance of it):

Sex is the biggest lie of marriage.

In Christian circles, the angst of sexual refusal starts to feel eerily similar to a bait-and-switch scheme.

And for many Christian husbands (and some Christian wives), the pain of that reality is excruciating.

If I could roll all those emails and comments into one, the cries of sexual refusal in marriage would look something like this:

“You baited me into believing if I was a ‘good Christian’ who made a commitment to you — the person I love — that I would enjoy the fruits of that promise. I would get sex. You would want to make love to me.”

“And then you switched it up,” the discouraged sex-starved spouse would continue. “You reneged on your sexual availability, even going so far as to guilt me for even wanting it.  You held my promise over my head. Told me sex was a fringe benefit to which I was not entitled. You committed fraud against me, all the while seeing it as anything but fraud.”

I hear from many people, mostly husbands, who feel trapped by their Christian values, resentful of godly marital commitment that feels more like prison and punishment than pleasure and possibility.

They want to leave their sexless marriage, but aren’t quite sure how to do that and still stay right with God.

It is a paralyzing feeling.  It is a real feeling.

Is sex marriage’s biggest lie?

I don’t think so.

But I completely understand why some people feel that way.  If my husband consistently sexually refused me, I would be devastated. And resentful.

I actually think Satan is the deceiver, and he likes to partner with people who believe his lies. He has convinced many people that it is no big deal for them to refuse sex to the one person they vowed to love, cherish, honor and respect.

To the person with whom they vowed to have sex.

I’m not discounting personal responsibility and free will and our horrendous capability to sin by sexually refusing our spouse.  Nope.  All that is in the mix for sure.  I even wrote a post about the sexual sin no one will talk about (sadly, the post was wildly popular).

I’m just shedding light on the TRUTH that our battles are ultimately spiritual battles.

And sometimes those spiritual battles cut right to the heart of one-flesh truths.

Sex isn’t marriage’s biggest lie.  It’s one of its greatest gifts.

But if you are believing the lies of the enemy, you’ll have hard time seeing it as a gift.  And in a sex-starved marriage, it’s hard work to change that course.  Those unhealthy engrained patterns of little or no sex likely emerged over time — and are now buried under  layers of emotions, unresolved hurts, confusion and so forth.

OR — in some cases — the issue really isn’t that complex at all.  No past abuse issues to work through.  No horrible betrayal within the marriage.  No looming medical problems.

In some marriages, one spouse just arbitrarily decided that sex wasn’t worth the effort.

How you got there may seem like the pinnacle question at first glance.

But the better — more worthy — question is, “What are you going to do to change things for the positive?”

Does someone in your marriage feel like sex is marriage’s biggest lie?  If so, Satan is doing happy dance, fueling the division, deception and despondency.

I don’t know about you, but I think Satan is a lousy business partner.  Especially when it comes to sex and your marriage.

Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

30 thoughts on “Is Sex Marriage’s Biggest Lie?

  1. Jer Win says:

    We had that problem early in our marriage, she felt it wasn’t worth the effort to have sex, as she did not enjoy it like I did. I have since learned how to pleasure her and how to build our personal live to where sex was natural for us to want not so forced like it was early on. With advice from Godly men and from blogs like this I learned how to be less selfish sexually, take my time, and to realize that sex today starts yesterday and effects tomorrow. And as hope to those in this spot, we have been married 2.5 years, and it only took 1 year of work on my part to make it work in the bedroom.

  2. Lynne says:

    Oh Julie, what a wonderful post. I have just come from talking to a wonderful Godly womean, less than three years into her second marriage, who is struggling in this area and we have just both agreed that marriage, and sex in particular, are not talked about enough in the church. My heart aches for sexless marriages because I’ve been there but I also know that Almighty God, for Whom nothing is impossible, can turn that around completely — no matter what the past has thrown at the individuals in this most wonderful covenant relationship.

  3. Eric says:

    For me I don’t know if “the biggest lie” is the correct phrasing. Because honestly, frequency isn’t a major issue. The issue in our marriage has been interest and enthusiasm. As far as I know my parents had a satisfying sex life and I had no reason to think I wouldn’t since I was marrying a Christian woman who knew that God was the author of our sexuality (at least that is what I thought that she thought). But shortly into marriage, even though we were having intercourse on a regular basis, it became aware to me that she didn’t agree that anything else was OK for us to do. So quite often when I see blogs that say ‘have more sex’, I wish that the voice was really saying ‘it is OK to do more than intercourse’ or ‘it is OK to have an interest in sexual things’ or ‘have a good time, God gave us tremendous freedom in the bed of marriage’.

    My wife doesn’t say ‘No’, but she does say ‘Not that’ and rarely shows desire to do anything but ‘go through the motions’. That to me very sad.

  4. Paul says:

    I think that sex should be a non-negotiable.

    With that said, we’re 18 months into a totally sexless streak. I hate it. She describes it as “her sin” that she can’t make herself have sex with me and she hates it, but feels trapped.

    I think it’s like an addiction. She doesn’t know how to stop it, but wants to. This is generational, too. Her parents haven’t had sex in years and so I tried to be proactive early to prevent what’s happened, but it happened nonetheless.

    I really love her and want to work it out, but right now, the only thing I can do is be the best husband I can be, not just “mister rogers” nice, but sometimes strong and leading into hard areas.

    I’m also exercising (ran 11 miles on Sunday for example) and doing everything I can think of to address my other issues like financial ones.

    In the end, I’ll either have her back (which is what I really, really prefer) or I’ll be in great shape (in all ways) for a new wife. She’s divorced me sexually already, so despite not wanting to leave, I can’t do this for another 12 years (how long since the marriage went from more than weekly sex to monthly at most sex) and another 18 months might be the extent of it.

    Was marriage a bait and switch for me? Yep. I don’t think she meant it like that though.

  5. poptart says:

    I’m just hitting the 3 year mark in my marriage and its frustrating. I try to be patient but unless I keep my mind busy I find myself getting angrier and fantasizing about other women when it never used to be a thought.

    I undderstand sometimes a spouse may be going through somethings but it is unfair foe thw other who still has needs. Its tough just having the knowledge that my wife desires no type of physical intamqcy with me

  6. Clair says:

    I must admit, I am slightly disappointed by this article. I found myself relating but didn’t see it offer much of an answer. I would love to see a follow up article with more advice.

    I think sex is one of the biggest lies of marriage – I don’t say that in a bitter way. I think its partly the church’s fault. I think in an effort to keep teens from having sex, we sell this idea that marriage is going to have lots of great sex and it will click and be all the time.

    I’ve been married 6 months and we don’t have sex daily, maybe 1-2 times a week – and this scares me because I always heard that you’ll never again have sex as much as you do that first year. Even though sex is more enjoyable for my husband, I feel I am the one initiating all the time…which is crazy because I have yet to have an orgasm through intercourse, but I feel its important to have a sexual relationship so I am trying. I feel like I must be awful at sex since my husband rarely initiates. The way he talked about sex before we were married made me think he wanted to have sex often and yet, thats not the case for us.

    I’ve tried talking to him. I’ve tried reading books. I’ve tried taking supplements — thinking that if I can get aroused more quickly, he would like sex more. I’ve prayed, thinking it was just an area of life that I needed to trust God more.

    And I’ve just come to the conclusion that maybe I had really high expectations, that everyone else talked sex up so much that I expected it would be work but still be something we did fairly often and enjoyed. I have a loving godly giving husband and so I have decided to enjoy what we have and be glad for sex when we have it.

    I feel a little deceived –not by Satan. I feel like sex was oversold to me — not by society, but by good well meaning people. I feel a little disappointed. Although I enjoy sex, it’s caused so much pain and hurt– I love being married and don’t want to give up the other perks of marriage, but I honestly wish I could go back to just dating my husband, because as hard as we thought “waiting” was, having sex actually has caused more problems.

    So I appreciate you acknowledging the issue, but the in answer to the question of what am i going to do to change things, I don’t think I can do much more except try to maintain a good attitude.

  7. Greg says:

    “Sex isn’t marriage’s biggest lie. It’s one of its greatest gifts.”

    Well said! Or perhaps it could be phrased: “Sex isn’t marriage’s biggest lie. It’s one of its greatest gifts that, if at all possible, the enemy will stop at nothing to hijack.”

    Though as a pastor once told me, “I think Satan often gets more credit than he deserves.” From my limited perspective, being stuck in a marriage without intimacy sounds far more frightening than the frustrations of being single.

    In any case, I’m thankful for testimonies ( of God’s grace that it doesn’t have to be that way–that intimacy can be restored (or actually realized for the first time).

  8. AnonA says:

    I have felt that sex in marriage was a big lie and I think my husband believes this now. The church makes it a big taboo and culture makes it look so easy but, without a real relationship with each other sexual intimacy is nonexistent. Maybe the man’s bait and switch of emotional intimacy should be included here. For me, once we were married all his attention went elsewhere and I have been emotionally abandoned, not to mention near zero spiritual intimacy. When a man consistently withholds these two aspects plus withholds his physical touch other than during sex, that is abusive and selfish, and to expect a woman to be actively sexual with you and enjoy it at that point is rather ignorant and brutish. Yes, she might still sexually engage with you but you won’t be getting that emotional connection that I am hearing is what men are really after, if that is even true.

  9. The Man says:

    Sex can only be NOT marriage’s biggest lie, if your intimate relationship is healthy and thriving. Otherwise it is a cruel joke, and depressing punchline, and domestic prison from which you can’t escape.

    It is hard living a life knowing your wife isn’t interested in you physically. I am healthy, very, very fit (in appearance and capability) and yet, I am caged in a sex minimal, passion free intimate relationship. It sucks in the extreme and it is hard not to be resentful, vindictive, or stray. Feels completely hopeless most days.

  10. Nancy says:

    Claire, Get his Testosterone checked. If it is even on the low side, get him treated. You just described our early married years. After the first year, we were down to once a week or two. By the second year, once a month, if I was willing to rent a porno and then feel like garbage afterwards. We finally found a doctor that would treat his low T. It has made a huge difference. It took twenty two years. Do not let it go that long, if it is low. It took a few years of tears and forgiving each other, but it is worth it!

  11. Big D says:

    I agree sex in marriage is a gift. Sadly, my wife seems to think it is a chore, or duty. She makes little to no effort to enjoy it. She just isn’t engaged. I’ve done all the things I think I should be doing to make sure she knows I love her. The equity of it is where the problem lies. I can s

  12. Big D says:

    My phone acted up, so I was unable to finish my previous comment. So, here it goes…

    I can say that I have reached the point where the thought of having sex with my wife stirs up a lot of anger and resentment.

    I don’t believe men in their mid 30’s who are married just give up. Their sex drive isn’t gone, its just dormant. Out of necessity more so than anything else. They are defeated. I am defeated. Who wants to have sex with someone who does more to sabotage the sexual relationship than build upon it? Who wants to have sex with someone who finds 10 reasons to say “no” before even considering a reason to say “yes”? Once a man builds up a certain level of resentment, its almost too late. But isn’t this when she starts to figure it out? Only after her husband is defeated?

    I’m betting if you took a poll of married men the overwhelming majority of them would say they liked their wives better when they were lying about who they were. That’s the camp I’m in. It’s the equity of it. A man can spend days or weeks giving his wife what she needs: tenderness, love, affection, affirmation. She thinks all she needs to do is lie on her back for 15 minutes. And you know what? That could be true if she tried to be something other than the most lame sexual partner.

    Most men would ask: “What happened to the woman who WANTED to have sex and seemed to want to impress me in bed?” I’ll tell you what happened. That’s is the woman the husband gets when he cheats on his wife. Now, is it any wonder why men cheat? Ladies, wives, save yourself the heartache and start trying to impress your husband in bed instead of depressing him in bed.

  13. Pingback: The Sex Tragedy the Church Could Fix | Engaged Marriage

  14. Kate says:

    This all amazes me, everything is about the husband and feeling sorry for the husband, but seriously come on. Are husbands feeling deprived, dejected and rejected? Why would that be? Have you considered that maybe you are not meeting your wife’s need? Does she have a husband who is a good Christian man, good husband, father and friend, someone who leads by example, takes interest in what she does, compliments her, shares the burden of raising children, maintaining a home, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping. Does she work full time in a paid job, then works full time at home while her husband goes out to work but then comes home expecting a meal on the table, a clean house, clothes washed ironed and in the cupboard. Does he sit down and watch tv while she cleans up after dinner and makes him coffee, gets the kids into bed after homework, showers etc. she finally gets to go to bed and then he wants what he believes is his right. Well I am sorry but I married my husband not for sexual relations but for a companion for life, a man with similar interests and values who placed God above everything. Maybe husbands should be looking at what they are not giving in their marriage rather than selfishly looking at what they are not getting.

  15. JulieSibert says:

    @Kate… you sound angry and bitter. Interestingly, I do hear from many husbands who do indeed love and honor their wife, help out around the house, and treat their wives with the utmost respect, yet are still denied sex. There are many husbands out there who are good Christian husbands and fathers. Many of them, though, have wives who show no interest in sex (despite God’s clear command that husbands and wives should not withhold their bodies from each other… many a wife out there (and a few husbands as well) who conveniently look right past that scripture and truth).

    Yes, marriage is more than sex. I agree. But it also is sex, and any Christian who reads God’s Word about sex would see that sex is not meant to be treated as an “extra” or a bargaining chip (“I’ll give you sex when you do A, B, C and D.”)

    Anyway, I appreciate you stopping by. But I think you missed the point of what I was trying to say.

  16. John says:

    Kate, its women like you that burn my gullet more than anything. Maybe YOUR husband is just as you described, but to lump ALL husbands in with him and your description is not only a logical fallacy, its also a lie and plain idiotic. Its like anyone saying all women are sex-denying shrews who eat bon-bons all day and suck the life and money from their husbands. Are there women like that? YES. Are there husbands like you describe. YES.

    But to defend those of who ARE NOT, let me go through your list as it applies to ME and at least 10 other husbands I know personally:

    1) good Christian man – been one my whole life. I’m involved in our church (teach a kids class), and I’m complemented by my mother-in-law on this, for goodness sake.
    2) good husband – at least I believe so. And so do all my wifes girlfriends who have complemented me many times. Even my wife has said this to me.
    3) good father – at least I believe so, and my 4 children (from college to elementary school) have told me many times.
    4) good friend – I have many, and my wife has told me many times I’m her “best” friend
    5) someone who leads by example – totally believe in it.
    6) takes interest in what she does – I have always told her “if you want to do something, do it, I’ll do what it takes to make it happen”. This includes: going back to school, taking horse riding lessons, beginning a nanny job, working at church, joining multiple church activities, going out on girls night multiple times a month, etc, etc, etc. And most times, I’m involved in the activity as well!
    7) compliments her – my nickname for her is “beatiful”. Not only do I compliment her appearence, but the way she takes care of the kids, the house, her friends, her activities. AND I complement her in front of many people, including recently over 100+ men at a mens breakfast.
    8) shares the burden of raising children – For 22 years, I have done all breakfasts, weekend lunches, bedtimes (baths, reading, bedtime), homework helping, driving to activities. I’ve also (not all the time) taken time off from work for doctors appt, and for any necessary baby sitting (even if she needs to do something during the workday), because she doesn’t trust anyone.
    9) maintaining a home – I am the bathroom cleaner (3 full baths), every night dishwasher, kitchen straightener. I am the floor scrubber (only by hand is good enough) I occasionally do vacuuming and dusting. We do laundry once a week – I do it at least once a month, sometimes more. I am the toy-and-after-kids picker-upper, and the basement is my domain as well. I also do all outside work (we have 1/2 acre), which includes a large garden, grass, and pool, and 3 cars.
    10) cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping – Besides what is mentioned above, I do occasionally do food shopping. Maybe once a month.
    11) she work full time in a paid job – for twenty years, no. 2 years ago, she became an in-home nanny for 3 different kids. Not full time, but I’d say 24-36 hrs a week. With my blessing and encouragement, and I’ve changed my work schedule to accomadate her (I now go in 90 minutes later) – so I can to get our youngest up and off to school.
    12) come home expecting a meal on the table – I can probably count on one hand how many times a meal was actually ready by the time I came home in 22 years. But I really don’t care about that, I’m not starving when I get home. In fact, I often just jump into homework/kids activities right off. Oh, and I NEVER get a kiss or hug hello – unless I go out and try to get it. And sometimes not even then.
    11). Does he sit down and watch tv while she cleans up after dinner – as I said above, I do the dishwashing. This includes cleaning up after dinner. Which I don’t mind – after all, I ate it. There’s nothing on TV anyways -I’m not a news or sports watcher.
    12) makes him coffee – Never gets me coffee.
    13) gets the kids into bed, showers, homework – Thats me.

    I’ll also throw in: I don’t drink, do drugs. I am home every night and weekend. There is no “boys night” for me (I don’t care). I don’t do sports. Basically, I’m a homebody – whenever I do go out, its either with her or the family.

    Finally, I’d like to point this out: We married right out of college – and then didn’t have sex for 16 MONTHS. She was very affectionate beforehand, and we did not have premarital sex. But married – “that’s not who I am”, “I don’t see the point, really”, “I don’t really care about it all that much”. Reiterate: We NEVER had sex in 16 months, so how could she know that?

    So, this was before kids, or a house, or a dog, or a cat, or any debt, before she even had a job (I did).

    We finally did have it because she wanted to have a baby. So did I, and I foolishly thought maybe if it just got kickstarted, it would work out. Nope: got pregnant in 2 months, then ANOTHER 18 MONTHS of no sex.

    So you can understand how offended I am that I am lumped in with rotten husbands. I know they are out there, and a lot of them. I see them all the time. Those I know, I berate about not doing what they should. So sit yourself down and realize that just as many rotten men there are out there, there are just as many rotten sex-denying women.

  17. Husband says:

    @John – Dude…Go get some help! That’s definitely not OK.

    @Kate – You can’t lump men into that stereotype. My story is similar to John’s (without the 18 month part), but I’d say I’m a very loving and caring husband -mostly a homebody. Not really a sports fan. I spend most of my free time as a supportive husband and dad. My wife has been a stay-at-home mom for the past 6 years. Like John, I’m the toy picker-upper, vacuum cleaner man, car oil-changer, bedtime story reader & tooth-brusher, fix-it handyman, gutter cleaner, car washer, chain-sawer, plumber and countless other things, plus I work hard for our family – as the sole financial provider so my wife can be free to be a mom. On the God side, I’m an ordained elder and also volunteer at church 20+ hours a month, pray with my family daily, etc. I also work hard to stay physically fit, eat well, take care of myself, look good for (and with) my wife, dress nice, act nice – the basic All American guy.

    None of that seems to have much impact on my wife’s constant headache, backache, stomach ache, migraine, too tired, don’t feel like it, don’t want to be touched, just don’t want to, bloated, PMS-ing, something hurts, or the 37 other you-name-it excuses. Everything’s a priority except me. And if I bring ‘it’ up, it just makes things worse since I’m ‘pressuring’ her. Then when we do have sex, it’s usually ‘hurry up and finish so I can go to sleep’, which makes me feel like total crap, which she knows, so we wind up just avoiding the situation. At the moment, we haven’t had sex in 2 months (which is a little abnormal – usually about 3 times a month). My expectation is daily or a few times a week, but I try to be happy with the occasional alignment of the stars.

    I DID, in fact, marry my wife to be a sexual partner, plus best friend, mother to my children, partner in life and someone who I can trust with my darkest secrets. If sex wasn’t important we could have just been roommates. To imply that I’m selfish for wanting mutual intimacy in my marriage is not a valid argument. There were 3.5 billion other women I could have chosen to marry – many of them who like sex. But this is the one I’ve committed myself to in front of God (and the woman God gave me), so we must and will work it out. With God’s help, it will eventually improve.

    I read somewhere that a young woman should be coached that if she isn’t willing to enthusiastically have sex 2-4 times a week for the rest of her life, she shouldn’t get married. This is where things apparently go haywire and become difficult in our current (American) Christian world since a sexually inexperienced / sheltered woman won’t necessarily be able to make an informed sexual commitment. 10 or 20 years into a marriage, she’s maybe no longer willing to (or emotionally capable to) hold up her end of the deal – and other areas of the marriage start to suffer? This is a big problem for men, who can’t just ‘turn it off’ when their only possible sexual connection is no longer a willing partner.

    Selfish? No. It’s a fundamental part of marriage.

  18. Big D says:

    I echo John and Husbands comments. I’ve communicated with my wife regarding my thoughts and did so tactfully and from the heart. What I’ve come to accept is that she is indifferent. Quite honestly, I don’t know how to overcome this lack of libido and/or interest on her part. I’ve suggested and even shared some of Julie’s thoughts with zero results beyond the “it isn’t you, it’s me” response followed by reasons why it’s my fault. Apparently, I need to hold her 6 times a day with the hope that maybe once every 6 weeks she’ll be willing to have disinterested and dutiful sex with me. I’ve had more than a few sexual partners in my day, and none have been as problematic, frustrating and aggrivating. Just not sure what to do at this point. I do know that I love my wife endlessly and maybe it’s better to just give up on our sexual relationship because the level of resentment I have at this point feels insurmountable and I really can’t afford to dwell on it as unhealthy as it is.

  19. Rebecca says:

    I have been married 2.5 years. The first 2 months everything was fine. Now, there is no sex, no hugs, no kisses (except when one of us goes out the door or before we go to bed). He won’t even sleep in the bed with me. I tried. I’d come up and touch him, rub against him, kiss his neck. Nothing. He says he’s just not interested in sex or anything else for that matter. I’ve prayed about it. I cannot live this way. He makes me feel less than a woman. I wonder if I’m too fat for him or too ugly. Does he just not like my company anymore. Nothing has changed on my part since we got married. His abruptly changed after 2 months of marriage.

  20. Daniel says:

    If sex in marriage is not a lie, then why are we all living in a sexless marriage?

    That was not the promise, but that is what we get.

    How is that not a lie???

  21. married 20 years says:

    My delightful wife informed me on day two of our honeymoon that she was not interested in sex.

    She had some experience with other men before we dated. I was a virgin. She implied a strong interest in sex while dating, but has been faithful to the words of our honeymoon.

    I didn’t really believe her, and lived in hope, until year 12 of marriage when I was informed she never ever found me sexually attractive. The livestyle I provide is attractive.

    We have one 10 year old child conceived (medically) without sex. Long story. So, I guess I have another eight or so years of this.

  22. Daniel says:

    @married 20 years

    Sorry to hear that, brother. The honeymoon is a rather poor time to find that out. You did the right thing, keeping your virginity for your wife. And now she is letting you keep it for yourself.

    In my case it wasn’t the honeymoon, but after our first child was born. However the result is the same. My wife thinks it’s my problem and not hers, and she is not the least bit interested in changing the circumstances. In her eyes I’m the one who needs to change.

    As a husband it’s hard not to feel deceived. You read in the bible about the two becoming one, one flesh. Yeah right. Marriage is the combination of two fleshes that remain two fleshes. Or they become one flesh during the spring of their marriage, and then revert to the natural state of two fleshes for the duration. That wasn’t written about, but is it not the truth?

    As a Christian it pains me to write that. But how else can it be viewed? I am a perpetual optimist, but have been ground into the dirt on this one. I look and pray for an answer every day and find none.

  23. A says:

    I completely agree that sex is essential in marriage, but I think some of the men commenting here are being a little unfair to their wives-perhaps because they are incredibly frustrated? I will give them the benefit of the doubt.

    Your wives might be having serious issues. Perhaps it’s not just indifference or selfishness-maybe they have issues that are deep seeded and need counseling? Or maybe THEY are also disappointed and feel like sex in marriage was a lie.

    I will share with you my personal situation, for example. I married my husband when we were 28. I was a virgin and had never done anything remotely sexual with anyone before marriage. We were engaged for 7 months-in that time period I struggled with masturbation, which I had never done before-yes at the age 0f 28 I had never even masturbated. I started because I was filled with fear that I wouldn’t have an orgasm due to the medication I was on, so I wanted “to see beforehand” and of course, it felt good so it became a struggle.

    Despite having never masturbated or having sexual interaction, I had a fairly healthy view of sex. My parents gave me the talk-they were appropriately open and unembarrassed about sex and their sexuality. I was always highly attracted to men and DID struggle with lustful thoughts and I wanted sex REALLY REALLY BADLY.

    But things didn’t go in marriage like I expected. You see, I was told by the Church that if I waited and remained pure, sex in marriage was going to be sweet and intimate and AMAZING. SO, when it wasn’t, I was left confused, disappointed, and thinking something was wrong with me. Afterall, so many people struggle to keep their hands off each other-surely this is easier for most people?! When the only women who were ever honest with me about sex (my mom and my sister) are women who vaginally orgasm at every sexual intercourse encounter, I definitely thought something was wrong with me and so I pulled away from my husband.

    We are still struggling (though working on it) Many times I WANT him, but I don’t physically want to have sex because it brings about feelings of failure and frustration. I am more than willing to try to put aside my selfishness and have dutiful sex, but I know that’s not ultimately what he wants-he wants me to enjoy it and actually, if he sense that I am not, he loses his excitement too. So, now I feel not only do I have a duty, but now I have to pretend I am having a great time during said duty when I am not. It’s really hard and I don’t want it to be this way.

    Granted, this is just during intercourse-I do orgasm clitorally and my husband does pleasure me in that way, But often times, intercourse takes an hour or longer. We have weird problems-he takes forever to come (which should be great) and I get increasingly more uncomfortable the longer we go.

    All that over sharing to say, I understand why some women just quit. It isn’t as easy for 75 percent of us as it was made out to be.

  24. GoodDad says:

    @A: I would dare say an hour for intercourse is atypical! Most men would love going an hour, that’s a good problem to have.

    This website is exactly what you need! Please read past posts…all the issues you are having have been mentioned in articles. If you take them to heart, you can resolve all the problems. Just FYI, my wife rarely climaxes vaginally and we have a great sex life. Orgasm is orgasm, any way you please each other brings closeness is my opinion.

    Free advice: when you had a problem with sex, the LAST thing to do is to pull away from your husband. Work on the issues with very honest communication. Shutting down sex will have very bad consequences for your marriage.

    The good news: every issue you listed is fixable! The desire is there, all you need to do is work on mechanics.

  25. HopefullyHelpful says:

    @A: Foreplay, dear lady, foreplay. It’s not just for you ladies.
    Simultaneous climax is not a requirement, although I would say bringing your spouse off is. Learn his timing. Try “taking matters in hand” until he’s close, then slip into intercourse for the finale.
    An easy way (if you’re not shy) is to straddle him facing away from him, lean forward as in a 69 (No OS if you don’t like. Just let your fingers do the walking). Relax and let him see the main attraction. He could probably bring you two or three times by the time he’s ready. When he’s close, it is a very smooth and natural transition into intercourse.
    I personally can’t do it; I just can’t last more than a couple of minutes when my bride presents herself like that, though maybe with more practice. . .

  26. Rob says:

    I saved myself for marriage. I truly believed all the church talk about how it made sex more special in marriage when you wait. I feel like waiting was the biggest mistake of my life because I waited for nothing. I work 2 jobs and do all the laundry and cooking, some dishes, all the yard work and home repairs. I drive an old, beat up car so she can have a new one. None of it matters to her though. I always put her needs first (including in the bedroom) but she still doesn’t even seem attracted to me at all. Sex happens only rarely and her lack of interest always makes it unenjoyable. I think sex in marriage is the biggest bait and switch lie out there. Divorce and suicide are both sins so that leaves suffering for another 50 years as my only option. Maybe I will get lucky and be hit by a bus.

  27. Pingback: My Top Sex Posts of All Time | Intimacy in Marriage

  28. Neo says:

    There is nothing one can do when a partner refuses to discuss the issue, especially in counseling. If the direction of the talks went toward her being the problem, she’d refuse to ever go again. I was supposed to give up sex and let her watch the demon boob tube all the time.
    Our marriage died, and I’ll never marry again.

  29. David Symonds says:

    I have been married for 21 years and am v unhappy. My wife is sex mad and that is all she cares about. We have had psycho-sexual counselling but i actually hate sex and any form of intimacy. She is using this as a stick to beat me with and is always aggressive and have had verbal abuse. I don’t think couples have to justify themselves by sticking bits into each other – ie intercourse, which makes me feel sick. I think sex and love are two different things and for people to be judged by sexual performance male or female is shameful. Why cannot sex be voluntary? It is all bull. Sorry.

  30. David Symonds says:

    Marriage just simply isn’t worth it. It is basically two things- being controlled by one partner and sex or more particularly intercourse, which is basically lust. Marriage isn’t a relationship of equals where one person can demand sex whether the other person wants it or not. I have found that sex is in fact porn and nothing else. Why do people have to judge each other on their sexual or non sexual performance alone? Pathetic. Religions are at fault too for encouraging it, they may as well include mention of sex in the marriage ritual. !

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