Your Orgasm Is Your Responsibility (Mostly)

Hollywood has screwed us up when it comes to sexual expectations.

First, we expect that great sex is always going to happen in the missionary position.

Second, we think the man arrives with a wealth of accurate sexual knowledge about the female body.

(Look at me – I just wrote a love scene for the next romantic comedy blockbuster.)

Not surprisingly, the glamorized images of media and entertainment seep into our marriage, where we are shocked to discover that depicted sex is nothing like real life sex.

Never mind that depicted sex is… well…depicted.

Your favorite Hollywood actors? Yeah, they aren’t actually having sex in all those scenes, where everything from the lighting to the pillows to the make-up to the hand positions is choreographed  flawlessly.

So, here you are in your marriage bed having sex, but not experiencing pleasure and you think, “What gives?!  Is this what I signed up for?”

If you are not experiencing orgasm when you make love to your husband — but you want to — it is mostly your responsibility to set that trend on a different course. I may receive a bit of flack for laying such a proposition on the table, but first hear me out (then feel free to chime in if you think I’m looney).

As for your orgasm, you gotta cut your husband some slack that he doesn’t know how to bring you to the edge of ecstasy if you’ve never shown him.

The female body — what a bewildering landscape that terrain is.

And we expect him to navigate it with nothing more than what he learned in the locker room or in drunken banter at his college frat parties.  Poor guy.

Now all you husbands reading this, don’t think I’m getting all negative on you, because nothing could be further from the truth.

I think we put an unrealistic amount of pressure on husbands to know how to please their wives sexually – every chick flick your wife takes you to and every lame innuendo floating around cyberworld seems to reinforce this idea that husbands should telepathically understand all the idiosyncrasies of a wife’s body.

Truth be told, we don’t even really understand our bodies on any given day. And we live in them.

So to think that you as a husband will be able to traverse the terrain successfully without a little guidance is ludicrous. And unfair. (I haven’t even mentioned the fact that what we gals find arousing one day may not be arousing the next.  See the kind of craziness I’m talking about?)

Most of the rest of this post is for your wife, but feel free to tag along.

My encouragement to you wives who want to experience orgasm…

1.  Figure out what turns you on.

“I don’t know what turns me on!” you say. Well, a good place to start is with touch.

Touch can run the spectrum from a deep tissue massage to the lightest of caresses.   If you don’t know what feels good,  give your husband free rein on trying different touches – and then you give him encouraging feedback.

My recommendation?  Take a hot bath or shower first.  You’ll feel clean, refreshed and about three steps into the relaxation phase.  Read this fabulous post Sheila Gregoire did for me, where she gives delicious insight on touch.

2.  Take your time.

I’ve enjoyed quickie sex, but honestly, it’s never my preference.

But I don’t need sex that last for hours either (are there actually people out there who have sex for hours?!  Maybe it’s just that I’m over 40, but  the “having sex all night” scenario sounds exhausting and mythical, if you ask me. No one asks me these questions, but that’s what my answer would be. Exhausting and mythical.)

There is, though,  something to be said for enough time to really focus on each other.

If you have difficulty experiencing orgasm, let him spend a lot of time on you.  Trust me – him caressing your body and drawing out the foreplay stage is actually going to turn him on big time.  I doubt you will find him complaining.

Encourage him to explore every inch of your body. Foreplay typically plays a huge role in the intensity of your orgasm.

3.  Encourage enough stimulation of your clitoris.

The clitoris is a fickle little creature.  Much more unpredictable than the penis.  Go figure.  But God designed both, so we need to trust that He knows what He is doing.

The thing about the clitoris is that you usually don’t realize the type and rate of touch needed — until you have an orgasm, that is.

Earlier in this post, I wasn’t speaking too favorably of missionary position. It’s not that it can’t come to the party, but I’m not sure if it always needs to be the center of attention.

Missionary position (man on top, face-to-face) can be less than ideal for you to experience enough clitoral stimulation….unless, of course, your husband moves forward enough so that the shaft of his penis is rubbing directly on your clitoris (yeah, this is not how they depict sex in the movies, because it means that his chest is more at your eye level as opposed to his eyes being at your eye level).

Experiment with various positions, oral sex, use of your hands and his hands, sex toys and so on.

If you want to have an orgasm, you need to figure out the amount and type of stimulation your clitoris needs.

4.  Give yourself permission to feel pleasure – and show him what you specifically find pleasurable.

Orgasm feels great. Some would even say it is one of the most indescribable experiences that even exists, leaving us speechless or writhing in pleasure or a combination thereof.

Some women, understandably, have difficulty allowing themselves to experience pleasure.

Unresolved pain from past sexual abuse, shame about previous relationships, skewed theology about sex handed down from relatives or the church, modesty or any of a number of issues can make a woman downright hesitant to put the words “pleasure” and “sex” and “good” all in the same sentence.

If some of these experiences are still plaguing you, please seek Christian resources and counseling to find hope and healing. (Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous has a very insightful post on past sexual abuse, by the way).

For a great majority of women, though, they simply don’t think their sexual needs and desires even matter in marriage.  Orgasm doesn’t come easy (no pun intended), so they simply fake it or conclude, “Well, I guess I’m just not meant to experience pleasure.”

Wrong.

God designed the clitoris.  It serves no other purpose than sexual pleasure for a woman.  No other purpose.  It’s not regulating your heart.  It has nothing to do with your fertility.  It doesn’t balance your blood sugar levels.  And it is never going to improve your eyesight.

Sexual pleasure for a wife and a husband is God’s design.  Teach each other what feels good sexually.

5.  Get selfish.

By “selfish” I don’t mean that you manipulatively ignore your husband or get greedy sexually.  What I do mean is that to experience an orgasm, you have to become a little inwardly focused, especially right before you climax.  Lean into that feeling.  You’ll probably orgasm harder, which will be a big turn on for your husband.

Awhile back, I wrote a post explaining that some orgasms you have to work very hard for. That post has additional helpful insights.

We can try to skirt around the issue all we want — or hang on Hollywood-manufactured versions of what really leads to sexual ecstasy.

But I’d rather rest in the truth.  And the truth is that your orgasm is your responsibility (mostly).

Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

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34 thoughts on “Your Orgasm Is Your Responsibility (Mostly)

  1. JulieSibert says:

    Hey J — You crack me up. Love how you used “nailed it” in your comment. Beautiful. Ha! You can tell Mr. Hot Holy Humorous that he is welcome… whatever I can do to inspire some sexual assertiveness in Christian wives. 🙂

  2. uk Fred says:

    What you say would be great if real women in real life took any heed. My DW says, “I don’t need an orgasm to enjoy ML. Anyway, an orgasm is too much hard work to have and when I have one it isn’t all that pleasuable.” But then she won’t come to bed of an evening until I’m too tired. Still, this is the wife who said that a husband wanting his wife to enjoy sex was just trying to accumulate brownie points on his own mental checklist to say what a good lover he was, so why am I surprised.

  3. Traylor says:

    Great post, Julie! I think what you said about many Christian women not feeling like they deserve pleasure is right on.

    Keep up the good work!

    Also, Melody has joined me on my blog! Reflections of a Ragamuffin is now Ragamuffin Reflections because there are two ragamuffins sharing. 🙂 Check it out at http://www.ragamuffinreflections.com

  4. Sarah says:

    These are good insights, Julie, but for me, they just don’t go far enough. I’m pretty sure I’ve done everything you listed in this post and still have never had an orgasm. My DH and I will have been married for 8 years in another month and I have NEVER had a complete orgasm. There have been a few times we have gotten close, but we just haven’t found the right combination of buttons before my body just shut down. I’ve even talked with my doctor and all she told me was that some women just don’t orgasm. I find this extremely hard to believe, just because of how God made our bodies. I’m getting really frustrated and it’s making it hard to even want sex, because it feels pointless for me. I hardly even get aroused anymore and it’s definitely not because I don’t love my husband, because I do. He’s such a fantastic man and he’s trying so hard that it makes me feel even worse when I have to tell him that nothing is working. I don’t know if you have any thoughts or ideas that might help, but if you could at least pray for us as we’re struggling with this right now, I would really appreciate it. Thanks!

  5. JulieSibert says:

    THank you for your comment Sarah… my heart and prayers do go out to you.

    I also disagree with your doctor. I’m not trying to question his/her professional opinion, but everything I have read, etc. suggests that a woman physically being unable to orgasm is very very rare, especially if there has never been trauma to the clitoris, etc.

    Plus, you seem to indicate that you get “close” to having an orgasm… so this tells me that your body is capable, but like you said… you just haven’t found the right combination of stimulation to bring you over the edge to climax.

    I have a few thoughts… have you tried to bring yourself to orgasm on your own? I know some people are against masturbation, but I think in this instance, it can be very helpful for a woman to on her own first figure out the type and rate of stimulation needed. Just a thought. What you learn can be helpful to then show your husband.

    Along those same lines, while your husband is within you can you with your hand stimulate yourself as well…. this can be helpful and can help both you and your husband learn your body. You wouldn’t even have to leave your hand there the entire time… you could help get your body very close to orgasm and then allow his thrusting to bring you to climax.

    Have you experimented with oral sex, sex toys, etc.? I know some people are not in favor of this approach… and honestly, I am not in favor of it as the only form of sexual stimulation… but I do think there is something to be said for exploring various techniques and ways to bring a wife to climax.

    I wouldn’t rule out working with a sex therapist. I’m not sure where you live (and I know Christian sex therapists are hard to find), but if you can locate a sex therapist… he or she may be able to counsel you and your husband and discuss different techniques, etc. that may be helpful. Even if you can’t find a Christian sex therapist, any sex therapist would probably have valuable insight. And if anything they share doesn’t jive with your beliefs, you can trust that you are discerning to recognize that.

    Have you explored the various Christian sex books available? Many of these address the aspect of a wife being unable to orgasm. If you want some ideas on books, feel free to email me at .

    I encourage you to not give up… I hear your frustration and I can understand your discouragement, but I think it speaks volumes of your commitment to your marriage that you want to figure this matter out….you want to enjoy sex with the man you love. Sadly, so many women don’t even care about having sex with their husbands.

    Shoot me an email if you want to discuss more…

    Julie

  6. Doris says:

    I second all that Julie wrote above. One tip that may save you from going to a sex therapist. It’s from my personal experience. Having 4 kids to care about and all other chores and so on, it’s not always easy to just let my mind go, the way hubby does. For him it’s simple, like changing channels, and he forgets about the day. But for me this is a process. And many times, while making love, I missed my orgasm because of a thought that haunted me and will never leave my mind. When I told him about this, he took care for us to have a musical background while in bed. Oh yes, best orgasms come when home alone and during the mornings. I know, I know, not always possible, but take a weekend out or a longer vacation, or send the kids to camp grandma (if that’s an option). All it takes is for your mind to switch the channel, not to get lost among channels; just find a blank one and leave all the work to hubby. He will figure that out with grace and patience. It may save you hours, appointments, money, etc., to a therapist… Find more warped ideas that worked wonders for me here: http://www.mydangspace.com

    Don’t give up!

  7. K. says:

    Julie, thank you for writing so candidly about subjects that are difficult to find trusted sources of information on.

    Like the above commentator, I’ve also never had an orgasm in the 4 1/2 years my husband and I have been married. It was several years into our marriage before I agreed with my husband that my not experiencing orgasm was a serious problem – I just thought it would happen someday and didn’t understand that I was mostly responsible for making it happen. I felt like this was something he and I should be figuring out together, and he told me for a long time that I needed to figure it out for myself before being able to show him what to do. For the past 1 1/2 years I’ve understood this, too, but I still really struggle with not being able to figure it out on my own. What am I supposed to be doing with my mind at these times when I am self-discovering? I understand that some people can pleasure themselves to orgasm without thinking about another person being involved, but this is not me – for me it’s all about being turned-on by the thought of being WITH someone. I just run into what feels like a moral dilemma here. I know thinking about past sexual encounters with my husband or fantasizing about doing things with him that are yet to be done should be a great place to let my thoughts hang out while I’m exploring what feels pleasurable to me. However, since there have been so many feelings of rejection, pressure, and not being enough to him surrounding the issue of my orgasm, thinking about him at these times just brings up pain and I struggle to feel turned-on by such thoughts. When I don’t feel turned on it isn’t long before I reach a point where what I’m doing to pleasure myself is no longer pleasurable, it feels irritating, and I don’t know where to go from there.

    The moral dilemma comes in that, if thoughts of my husband are counter-productive, what/who do I think about to turn me on so I can figure this out and then tell/show my husband? When he and I recently talked about this moral dilemma I feel, his first reaction was that these are prudish issues to be wrestling with. I told him that my conscience genuinely needs my questions to be answered – what does God see as being good or okay in this situation, and what is wrong? My husband said that it is okay to him that I not think about him when I’m self-discovering if thoughts of him are counter-productive. He said, obviously, fantasizing about someone else I know is not okay, but he doesn’t believe it is wrong to fantasize about an imaginary person – provided that my fantasies help me to experience an orgasm, which allows me to show my husband how to bring me to orgasm, which in turn strengthens our marriage, then these are things that God would see as being good.

    Anyway, I’m sorry for this long-winded comment. I’m just wondering if I should just trust what my husband says on this issue and not think too hard about it? After 4 1/2 years of making little progress we’re both losing heart, and I wonder if I will ever be among the women who have overcome this problem. Thank you for any wisdom you might have to share on this issue, Julie, and thank you for your ministry here!

  8. JulieSibert says:

    Hi K…. Please don’t apologize for your long-winded comment! I appreciate your honesty.

    I will respond soon… I’ve had a few crazy days with the holiday weekend, but should get caught up soon…

    Thank you for your patience…

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  14. Kris says:

    Just found this site and I love it. I do have a question though…. what should I do about my husband when he jokes or brings up things that I enjoy during sex. What I mean is sometime I will say something or even try something new during sex and later when we are done and doing something else he will bring it up. Not necessarily in a bad way it just makes me uncomfortable and makes me not want to do it again. Should I just relax and be thankful he heard or realized I enjoy it or tell login that it makes me uncomfortable talking about it afterwards? He never does it when people are around so thank God for that. Thanks again for your insight

  15. JulieSibert says:

    @Kris… Your husband maybe doesn’t realize that his joking about it is making you uncomfortable. I would suggest that you just be honest with him about it. Since he doesn’t do it when people are around, my guess is that he isn’t trying to be hurtful or careless with your feelings.

    You could also suggest that if he really enjoys the times you make love, that it would be so affirming to you if outside of the bedroom he would affirm you but in a more general way, like say to you, “Last night was really nice.”

    Hope this is helpful… Thanks for commenting and stopping by the blog!

  16. Emilie says:

    I didn’t grow up in a Christain home. Nor did my mother discuss dating/sex/love/masturbation with me. I had to figure stuff out on my own, usually the hard way. As an adolescent, I couldn’t reach orgasm with my partners and touching myself didn’t turn me on. It was very frustrating, especially when I was dating a boy who WAS invested in my sexual satisfaction. He tried everything and was very patient and persistent. Eventually I gave up and expected that no man could ever please me. At 25 I gave my heart to God because all the premarital sex was leading to heartache. I was finally washed clean of my sins and ready for a new life. At 27 I was invited to an all-girl sextoy party where products were passed around and discussed. I bought a cute vibrator. It sat in my drawer for a week. Then I experimented with it aimlessly… just feeling around with no goal other than to pamper myself. The third time I tried it, I was in the bathtub with some music on… And I unexpectedly climaxed. I was overjoyed! My body wasn’t defective after all! The combination of vibrations, warm water, light nipple touching, and letting my mind go is what made it work. I am 30 now, and with the right combination, I can reach orgasm in as little as 6 minutes. I have learned how to climax with just my hands and my mind, but a vibrator and some porn is easiest.

    I married last year, but my problem is… I feel like my husband doesn’t even try to help me orgasm. After he’s done, I tell him I need to finish but he doesn’t even want to try. I tell him what works and I give him positive feedback when he’s doing something I like, but he feels like a failure. He says I don’t appreciate the foreplay or all the small achievements that he’s making and that I’m demanding too much. I find it unfair that I can give him my full loving attention in bed and say all the sexy things he likes, but when it’s the other way around, he sighs, looks away, and gives up. I get so frustrated. There was ONE night I climaxed with him, but we were basically both masturbating and I had to encourage him the whole time to stick with it. He must think it’s too much work or something. Luckily for us, I know what I like and can communicate it, but he doesn’t try to help me get off. He admits defeat before even trying. I have to go into another room to masturbate and then he regrets having sex with me in the first place. Ug!

    Why isn’t he eager to invest the same time and energy into our sex lives like I am? Should I resign and just accept that my husband doesn’t want to take any responsibility? I’m losing my attraction to him…

    Is this our only problem as a couple? No. We are seeing a couples counselor next week to work out our other issues. It’s not a sex therapist, but I hope the counselling leaks into our sex life too. I need to feel like he cares about following through. He loved seeing me orgasm that one time… Or so he says. He says he wants to help me… But he gives up so quickly.

    I don’t want to end up in a sexless marriage. Maybe I *DO* expect too much, but if he doesn’t put in his fair share, I’m afraid I will resent him and tell him he can take care of his sexual needs by himself too.

  17. brandi says:

    This article is well written and a good read. I disagree with it slightly as most men don’t care or are even aware that women orgasm. Giving a man free range of your body is great, but there are lots of men who won’t touch breasts, let alone a vagina. Some don’t know where the clit is located and wouldn’t care if you explained what turned you on. I dont think those same men would be open minded enough to use a vibrator or give an erotic massage. Blame it on porn or just ignorance in general, but it’s a pretty big common intimacy issue.

  18. mike says:

    I know this sounds weird but my wife and I had been having martial trouble and were seeing a counsellor. In brief one of may issues though my wife said she felt pressured to have sex and pressured to orgasm and that all of that pressure meant that sex became an unwanted duty of hers. Through discussion it was decided to take a break from sex. I was not to ask for it nor expect it. Not believing in masturbation made this really tough. But what we did do was to spend half an our every night. Every night without fail. Hugging, kissing, holding hands. It was supposed to be intimate time. Like when one was a teenager and sex was (for me anyway) not an option but all the other hanky panky was. That revitalised things. Now we occasionally progress to full on sex but the sexual tension is much higher. So I guess what I am trying to say is that having a stack load of sexual tension means when the sex happens it is more exciting and not a chore. I guess the other thing is that it makes me put in effort. I see other women comment on how getting to an orgasm is so much effort. As I understand it that is true for many women but not really so much for men. So what happens now for me is that I have to put in a ton of effort in order to get sex and it needs to be subtle and gentle and not make her feel like she is obligated.

  19. Shari says:

    To Sara, who has never experienced an orgasm in her married life. One other thing to consider is the use of birth control. One very untalked about side effect of bc medication is decreased sex drive. Before I knew about this, I was having difficulty over a long period of time with even wanting to have sex with my husband. My mother suggested I talk to my doctor because I take several medications. My doctor told me I just needed a good old get away with my husband. That certainly didn’t improve our situation.

    Life got busy about a year after that. I missed replacing my nuvaring (used for medical purposes, my husband had a vasectomy after our last daughter was born). I decided to take a full month off and get back on track. Well, for that month I voraciously wanted my husband and achieved orgasm almost every time. I reinserted the nuvaring to get back on track and went right back to zero sex drive. I researched a bit and found that one of the number one side effects for nuvaring is decreased or loss of sex drive. I stopped using it and the original medical problem did not resurface. Needless to say, I talked with my doctor about this and suggested to her that the next time a woman approaches her with real concerns, to take a better look at what might be really going on.

    I will be praying for you.

  20. K says:

    I am so thankful to find this blog. My husband and I are really struggling in the area of intimacy. We have been married almost 9 years and I have never had an orgasm or even come close. My desire for sex or anything related is sub 0. I could probably count on one hand (okay maybe 2) the amount of times we have had sex in the past year… it’s horrible. I feel horrible. He feels horrible. We’ve seen a marriage counselor, I’ve tried to pleasure myself, I’ve read books…
    Finally after reading some of your posts yesterday I am feeling a little bit hopeful. I am 37 weeks pregnant with our third child (we both marvel at the fact that I conceived in such a sex barren marriage!) and told my husband tonight that we need to make together time a priority, even now during this busy time in our lives of child bearing and parenting Little’s. I told him that every Saturday and Sunday before this baby is born we will put the other 2 kiddos down for their afternoon nap and make time for intimacy (by nighttime my body is beyond exhausted and he works long hours Mon-Fri).
    He massaged me while I read the Bible tonight. I LOVE a massage and because he did that for me *after* I had already told him nothing would be “happening” until the weekend, I felt very loved and like I could actually stand to pleasure him with my hands. I did, and he was instantly a changed man. 🙂 I never offer any of this kind of pleasure, and the look on his face was priceless. I love him so much and hate what our sex life has become… but tonight I am hopeful. Thank you for your ministry. I am going to read every single one of your posts!

  21. Jane says:

    What do you do when your husband seems to hate any amount of foreplay and takes no responsibility for helping you get to orgasm? I can get myself to orgasm in less than a minute on my own but I can’t even enjoy sex with my husband because he makes me feel like anything that has to do with my body is a chore and I can’t relax during sex with him. He does complain about foreplay with me and I’m getting miserable and resentful. This is the only person I am allowed to have sex with and he doesn’t even care to please me. It makes me very angry. I have told him exactly what I want and what would help me be into it but he only ever gives about a few seconds doing anything and then wants to move straight to sex. We always have to use lube. I am getting angry that I have to tell him what I want or need and still don’t get it, or if I do get it I can tell he’s not enjoying it and that makes me not enjoy it. I am not proud to say it but aside from being a “technical virgin” (had experienced other forms of sex but not actual intercouse) when we got married, but everyone I had ever been with before showed me they were very into me and always commented on how sexy I was or how much they enjoyed kissing me, my lips, my boobs, etc. My husband has not once ever said anything like this to me, and when it comes to kissing me or liking my boobs or touching me he always says “he doesn’t mind it.” How am I supposed to enjoy that? I don’t know what to do because he is a great husband in every other way but our sex life is miserable! I don’t want to spend the rest of my life constantly wanting more in this area but I would be stupid to leave a husband as good as he is in every other way.

  22. Another chick on the block says:

    Okay, been around the block to know a few things. Considering a guy is using our body(female) for his orgasm especially intercourse I think it is a far call to say a man should be responsible for the partners orgasm because he is using the female body to satisfy his easily attained needs.

  23. e2 says:

    @another chick,

    Of course a husband should think primarily of his wife’s pleasure, but it helps tremendously when she is more than a passive partner, but purposely participates in the pursuit of her own pleasure. I believe some wives feel it unspiritual to actively pursue pleasure, thinking they need to passively wait for their husbands to instinctively know what and how to touch. The wife can help things along by deliberately thinking about sex in preparation for lovemaking (that’s one reason we men are so easily aroused; we think about it a lot). A wife can help teach her husband where and how she likes to be touched, and even show him by touching herself. If he doesn’t have enough hands to reach all the places that want to be touched at once, she can supplement his touch with her own. And, she can lean into the pleasure by focusing her mind on what she’s feeling. None of this removes the man’s responsibility to make love to his wife, but it makes it all more pleasurable for both the husband and wife. Perhaps calling it “responsibility” is what you object to, as responsibility carries with it an association with “blame” if orgasm doesn’t occur. Instead of trying to assess blame or fault for the lack of orgasm, think in terms of two people actively pursuing the same goal… her pleasure.

  24. Johnson says:

    I am not enjoying sex In my marriage.
    My wife blamed me for not making her feel like a woman..
    This topic..I am going to send it to her..she is making her orgasm my responsibility..

    Though I have QE issue and I am doing all I can to control it..she has never assisted me to control rather she said I should extra mile..I asked her how…she said she don’t know either…..I told her the best way to control myself and enjoy sex in marriage is to go out and look for a wild lady to teach me what sex is in bed….pls help me…

    I don’t know what else to do…..

  25. A says:

    Jane
    I’m reading about sex this morning ( because we love the topic and do it often) and stumbled across this old post. When I remember those years gone by I can feal for this issue. We had no sex education in those days and nobody spoke about sex in our youth. Today some will say but we have the internet today. That’s my point exactly. Internet bring shame and very misguided ideas.
    Talking about sex in our circles is still tabo so we don’t talk about sex in our circles but it’s needed so I write about our sex lives anonymously and it needs to remain this way because of biblical truths ( offending others that are weaker) You think you have it rough you should here about our night mare sex life history. Just read other posts that are written by A or the odd comment by M. I’ll spare the details of how bad our sex lives were. But I’m so thankful we never gave up on our marriage over it. It was a matter of biblical principles that save us from divorce. ( but I did consider it at times) don’t know why your husband is like this but it could be fear. Fear guilt shame selfishness hurt or like us not having clue how to have meaningful sex! Because I don’t know anything about you I’ll be very bould. Thing you could do. Wash well and shave, be naked with the lights on, ask him to do the same, offer him oral sex every time your naked together with the lights on. Masturbate together ones in a while. Show him how you do this. If he’s not interested in any of this, pray together about your sex life and tell him “God wants us to enjoy sex together.” Because it’s true sex is the purest thing a couple can give each other sex create babies. If you are married to an unbeliever follow biblical direction on this. If he’s abusive leave him quietly and quickly don’t stay you will only hurt your children if you have kids and if you have kids with an unbeliever it will not just be your sex life you are missing out on.

  26. Jane says:

    Thanks for responding to my comment A. I do think it could be fear, guilt and/or shame on his part… plus I can be pretty intimidating in the bedroom due to my insecurities. I make a big deal out of everything…if he doesn’t get hard right away I assume there is a problem, if he gets off too fast I am upset, if he takes too long I think something is wrong… I have a very bad habit of going negative on every little thing and I zero in on how he looks, like facial expressions, where he is looking, etc. and I expect it to be a certain way and when it isn’t I get upset or disappointed. So I can definitely understand why he may not be very into sex with me, but I do feel like he could try a little harder about the things that he KNOWS I like. Sometimes I think he just doesn’t do things out of resentment toward how I have treated sex… so unfortunately it’s this negative cycle of resentment among both of us and it gets nowhere. I have asked him to please just start each day fresh and come into the next sex not thinking about the last time or whatever but he refuses, he would rather stay mad at me. He says it takes time, and I guess I should be more understanding but it just frustrates me because I feel like he is more focused on getting back at me than just trying to make sex better. I don’t know… it just saddens me to see so many people having problems in this area. I don’t understand why it has to be so complicated. And we have started reading a book together called Intended for Pleasure, which is a good book about how God created sex for pleasure and ways we can enjoy it and how to go about it in a positive manner to get the best out of it, but we are still struggling. My main problem is that sex is the ONLY way I feel loved, accepted, validated and attractive, so I put so much pressure on it and he is upset that that is the only way I feel loved by him. He says sex is important but it shouldn’t be everything and that I am making it everything. I wish I wasn’t this way, I really do, but no matter how hard I try I just can’t feel truly loved or accepted without it… 🙁

  27. Anna says:

    My husband and I have been married for 19 years and have a son. Ive always been some what over weight and had low self esteem because of it. I wasn’t really interested in sex and didnt have sex with him often. I wouldn’t even let him see me naked. But when we did have sexy it was great and I could always orgasm. But a year ago I found he had been watching porn. This hurt me so bad. All I could think about is why he did it. But I already knew the answer to that. Cause I pushed him away and give him no attention and hardly ever had sex with him. He would always be the one to want sex. I knew that I loved him very much and knowed this was my fault. So I made a big change in my life I lost the weight, and started dressing up I had confidence in myself again. Started giving him all the attention he could handle and we have sex 3 times a week now. And I want sex everyday. But I can’t orgasm I don’t know if it’s because what he did with the porn. But he just don’t satisfy me at sex anymore.. But I want him to be pleased.

  28. Morgan Clegg says:

    So it’s on the wife to bring her husband pleasure but it’s not on him to do the same?

  29. Julie Sibert says:

    @Morgan Clegg … I don’t think that is what I was saying at all, but I appreciate you stopping by to comment. My point is that for most men, climaxing is not very difficult (that’s not always the case, but certainly is a safe generalization). For women, though, our bodies are less predictable (again, a generalization, but crucial to my point). I was just trying to express in the post the things that will increase the likelihood for a wife to climax. Laying there and waiting for him to figure it all out isn’t realistic and honestly isn’t fair. In the same regard, a husband should communicate what feels good to him as well, instead of saying nothing even if his wife could change a few techniques to increase his pleasure.

  30. Lor says:

    You say (Mostly). What can be said for the couples where he doesn’t care about anything but his own orgasm? Where the wife communicates clearly about her needs but he won’t do anything she expresses she needs: foreplay with words of affection, cuddling, and caressing. He won’t do it. Just…silence followed by an attempt to ram his tongue down my throat. It’s a total turn off. I tell him I like a good French kiss, but I don’t want porno tongue right from the get go, and not with every single kiss. I’ve tried showing him soft, affectionate kissing, but nope. I’ve shown him how I need him to stimulate my clitoris gently and with plenty of lube, but he manhandles my clit and when I say softer, gentler he gets annoyed. And the answer is always no if I ask him to please use his tongue. I have communicated the need for foreplay, gentle, clitoral play, my need for verbal communication/sweet nothings/sexy talk and I get none of it. He does his thing for a minute and then he’s gone. There’s no holding, cuddling, or affection afterward either. He gets up and goes to watch TV. I’ve often cried: “I saved myself for this?!” Every sexual encounter makes me feel like a prostitute, not a cherished, loved wife.

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