sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
3 Sex Mistakes You May Be Making
Dec
I could talk about sexual refusal as a mistake you could be making.
But I figure I do that enough, so I’d rather share today about 3 sex mistakes you may be making when you actually do have sex.
MISTAKE 1: Assuming what arouses him.
We as women tend to think men are incredibly one-dimensional when it comes to sex.
“If I just make my body available, then that’s all he really needs to be satisfied sexually.”
Closely dancing with this thought is the idea that a husband’s arousal is only about his penis and has little to do with a variety of touches and displays of affection.
Are you assuming what arouses him? Not the best approach.
Instead, ask him.
Or try new touches on his entire body and ask him what he likes. Try using your finger nails along his shoulders, hair, chest and legs. Try caressing his testicles and inner thigh, slowly working your way down to his toes and then back up again.
Try kissing him passionately or kissing his neck or his chest.
Discovering what arouses him can be quite exhilarating, because you are the only one who gets that privilege.
It’s holy ground, if you ask me. You’ll probably even want to take off your shoes.
And as for the penis, you may want to pay more attention to detail in how you touch him (that’s partly why I wrote the post 3 Things You Should Know About Your Husband’s Penis).
The head of the penis is incredibly rich with nerve endings. Both light and firm touch (with your hand, tongue, breasts) can result in so much sexual delight for your husband.
There are so many possibilities in seducing him and arousing him. I’m guessing there is still room for you to explore what turns him on.
MISTAKE 2: Unwilling to try something new.
If you think I’m going to say you have to do everything he requests sexually, guess again.
Some things he may request would dishonor God or are just plain unreasonable, so far be it from me to say it’s all an open book and free-for-all on trying something new.
Even so, there are ways that you can still honor God, your marriage bed, yourself and your husband by broadening your viewpoint on sexual arousal.
If sex is predictably scripted every single time, here are a few ideas…
New position. If you think the only “proper” way to have sex is missionary style with your husband on top and the two of you face-to-face, then you both are really missing out. You don’t have to be a gymnast to find a few new positions to add to your sexual repertoire.
For example, try being on top of your husband. You may be wildly amazed out how arousing this is for you… and him.
Lights on. We as women can fuel this whole body image saga when we refuse to grow in our sexual confidence. I know women who will have sex only with the lights off and the covers pulled up, just so their husband won’t see their body.
Study after study, though, reveals that husbands desire their wives be… well.. a bit more revealing.
He wants to see your body, breasts and skin. And if he is really honest, he wants you to want him to see you (in other words, your sexual confidence is a big turn on).
If it is too overwhelming to have a lot of light in the room, consider some candlelight or the closet light or a nightstand lamp.
Oral sex. I remember once talking to a friend and we were in general discussing oral sex. I said, “What’s not to like about oral sex?!” Her response? “Giving or receiving?” To which I said, “Both!”
I know that not all Christians think oral sex is biblically supported, but obviously I’m not in that camp.
Certainly, I’m not saying a spouse should demand oral sex, but I do think if you are unwilling to include oral sex in your sexual intimacy, yet your husband would desire to receive it and/or perform it, you would be wise to explore if your reasons are reasonable.
I don’t think oral sex needs to always be the main event, but every now and then when one or both of you want it? Yes! And certainly many married couples find it to be a nice part of foreplay.
I have a whole list of posts about oral sex at my post Some Thoughts on Oral Sex.
More playfulness. Some married couples find ways to bring variety through lingerie or sex toys or lubricants or code words that have shared sexual innuendo just between the two of you.
I can’t say what is fun and arousing for you as a couple, but I wonder if you think you and your spouse have room to grow?
And as long as you are keeping your sexual encounters exclusive to just you and your spouse and neither of you is getting hurt, then I think you have a lot of freedom to explore sexual playfulness.
MISTAKE 3: Downplaying your own sexual pleasure.
With the number of wives out there not having an orgasm many or all of the times they have sex, it’s no wonder so many marriages are suffering from lack of sexual intimacy.
Honestly, if I didn’t experience an orgasm on a very regular basis when my husband and I have sex, I’d be pretty indifferent about sex as well.
Your orgasm matters.
God designed your clitoris for no other reason than sexual pleasure for you. With some insight and effort, you and your husband can help you experience that. Not just “every great once in a while.” But often. Maybe even every time.
I’ve written about orgasm here, here, here, here, here and here.
The good news about these 3 sex mistakes is that they are not so difficult to overcome.
Sex can be a creative and soul-drenching safe haven, but we have to walk in that direction to see it as God sees it.
Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
The last “pastor” I had counseling us liked to go on and on about the “sexual sin of oral sex being equivalent to sodomy.”
But trying to get the guy to call my wife’s chronic refusals of sex with me a sin was like pulling teeth out of him.
What can we take from this?–in our society, it is much MUCH easier to castigate stereotypical male sin than it is to shine a light on stereotypical female sin.
In other words, when in doubt, blame the husband.
Don’t believe me? Then ask yourself why the idiots who made the “movie” FIREPROOF came down so hard on the husband’s porn habit (rightfully so) but then also left the wife’s consistent-refusal-of-sex habit totally unaddressed? Notice how they AUTOMATICALLY blamed the hubby for the entire thing? I rest my case.
Commenting on Toppers post about the fireproof movie and the lack of the wife’s refusal of sex.
I was in a marriage where I knew my husband was in to hard core porn, and tried as he might to bring it in to the bedroom. I was not refusing any sex, but the knowledge of him watching porn and then having sex turned my gut, and eventually turned me in to a object with no feelings. I saw that movie with my husband, and the whole idea of the movie went right over his head, he saw nothing wrong and blamed me for his addiction to the porn. I can see then why we women are the receivers and then we give back, what are the guys feeding us?
“With the number of wives out there not having an orgasm many or all of the times they have sex, it’s no wonder so many marriages are suffering from lack of sexual intimacy.”
Thank you! I didn’t orgasm for the first twenty years of marriage, mostly because the entire event from beginning to end was usually less than 15 minutes and we were both naive. Now that I know I can, I want to. Can you imagine a man going without orgasm for even a short length of time and being okay with it? Even now, my husband really doesn’t get that it’s important for me, too. After comments referring to how long I take and how sex shouldn’t be so difficult, it’s no wonder I often still feel like I’m too much trouble and have a harder time with having an orgasm, if at all. This leads to not only lack of sexual intimacy but intimacy of any kind if you can’t get your partner to communicate about it. I feel like saying, “Oh, Intimacy, where art thou!”
What if, when you ask him, he says all he wants is attention on the main part? He certainly doesn’t seem to need anything else in order to climax, and he never asks for anything else.
What if, on the other hand, he also doesn’t seem interested in experimenting on me except in ways I specifically ask for? And what if nothing I’ve thought of or tried has been sufficient for a climax, even by myself? (Yes I’ve already read the referenced posts.) Most things I try are just disappointing.
This is where we’re at after six years, and it’s not exactly conducive to enthusiasm in the bedroom. I’m willing enough, but it sure doesn’t seem worth it at this point. I so want to be satisfied, but I just don’t know how.