You Might Be a Selfish Wife Sexually If…

sexually selfish wifeRecently, I wrote about sexually selfish husbands, and it’s only fair I give equal voice to the reality there are some sexually selfish wives too.

You might be a selfish wife sexually if…

(1)  You see sex as something he has to earn.

This can show up in a variety of ways.

Maybe you subconsciously tell yourself, “If he does such-and-such, then I’ll give him sex.”  Or maybe you come right out and say something along those lines to him.

Sex becomes a bartering tool, a scorecard of “you do this” and “I’ll do that.”

In particularly malicious scenarios, you may manipulate the game the opposite way.  You punish him by withholding sex.

Painful damage comes from reducing sex in a marriage to mere commodity, where one person is always in the position of having to “earn” it.  There’s nothing in God’s Word that would support this kind of arrangement.

If anything, 1 Corinthians 7 gives us a selfless picture of a husband and a wife offering their bodies to each other freely, rather than turning it all into a transaction.   We could even go so far as to say that when you make sex something your husband has to “earn,” you have prostituted yourself. In your own marriage.

And God has pa-lenty to say about prostitution.

(2)  You are never willing to try something new.

God gives a husband and wife tremendous freedom in the marriage bed to exclusively enjoy one another.  Go God!  This is one of the sweet privileges of marriage — you can enjoy 31 flavors of sex, so to speak.

Sadly, too many wives are steadfast on having only vanilla on the menu.

Hey, I’m not saying vanilla is bad (every marriage needs a bit of vanilla sex).  But vanilla every time?

Sounds boring.

It is no wonder that many husbands want some sexual variety.  Variety that is exclusive, mutually valued and acceptable in God’s eyes is not only possible, it is what some married couples pursue with passion and love.

Here is a post I wrote with 3 ideas to spice up your lovemaking.

(3)  You make sexual promises you never intend to keep.

This is actually a big complaint I hear from husbands.  Their wives either tease sexually or promise sex “soon” — but then rarely follow through.

Some guys even describe this as a mild form of torture, like setting an ice cold glass of water in front of a man who has been crawling around in the desert. But he never actually gets the water.

He just has to stare at it.  Wonder what it would be like to enjoy it.

(I had one man email me this lengthy analogy that sex deprivation in his marriage was like being a starving man chained to a bed in a bakery, but he never gets any bread. He is forced to constantly see the baker baking the bread and smell the bread. But he never gets even a morsel.)

Anyway, I think you get the picture.

The other problem with making sexual promises that you don’t keep is that it fuels distrust in the very relationship where you need trust the most.

It causes division, not unity. If your husband doubts your sincerity in sexual availability, he likely doubts your sincerity in other aspects of love — even if he would never speak those reservations out loud.

(4)  You’re not willing to understand what sex means to him.

So many women assume that sex is just sex for a man — it’s just a release and intense sexual pleasure, but it doesn’t have much to do with an emotional or spiritual connection.

Wrong.  Especially for the majority of husbands I hear from.  Sex isn’t just sex. Some husbands are so pained by their wives not understanding the significance of sex that they have asked God to take their sex drive away (interesting post on that here).

If you have used wide brush strokes to paint your husband into a corner, stereotyping him as nothing more than an animal bent on simply responding to his sexual urges, you have not been fair to the man you love.

(5) You think every sexual request he makes is rooted in porn.

Before you think I don’t recognize that porn has caused huge devastation to marriages, please remember that I do blog about sex.  I hear about and read about many circumstances where porn has in some cases destroyed marriages.

BUT.

We have to be careful in thinking that particular sex acts or positions are inherently wrong simply because they also appear in pornography.  Yes, you need to search God’s Word and your hearts.  No, it’s not okay for one spouse to force another spouse to do something or to hurt their spouse, all in the name of sexual pleasure.

But there are a lot of married couples enjoying different positions, oral sex, sex toys, etc. In those situations, pornography is not at the root of that enjoyment.

(6) You just go through the motions but never really show up.

If I had a buck every time I hear from a husband who says that he doesn’t just want her body, he wants her, I’d be a rich woman.

If your husband is like most, when you offer him obligatory sex or you just treat it all like a big chore to check off your list, he is dying a bit on the inside. (I wrote a popular post about that here).

Some wives may say, “Well, what’s it really matter any way? He can’t tell whether I’m into it or not.  I fake it.”  Regardless of whether he is on to your ruse, faking orgasm is not good for you or your marriage.

In looking back over the above examples of selfishness, do you see any where you can begin to be a little less selfish?

Baby steps count.  Take enough baby steps toward nurtured sexual intimacy and you’ll be astonished at what it does for your marriage.

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Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

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34 thoughts on “You Might Be a Selfish Wife Sexually If…

  1. Pingback: You Might Be a Selfish Husband Sexually If… | Intimacy in Marriage

  2. Ted says:

    To those wives who think their husbands can’t tell – you are deluding yourselves, if it matters to your husband. It shows in your entire attitude towards sex. As a husband of 40 years come January, let me tell you ladies, I know where my wife’s head is at before we ever make it into the bedroom. And if her head is not in the game, it’s a huge turn-off.

  3. SomeOneElsesBigGuy says:

    Ditto to Ted….If a man cannot tell his wife is faking, then he himself is selfish and not paying attention.

    You might be able to fool a newly married 20-something, but a veteran of 20+ years of marriage knows if his wife isn’t there. PLEASE don’t delude yourself into thinking he cannot tell.

    And note that he would probably not tell you he knows…which is a sad state of affairs.

  4. Amanda says:

    If the wife doesn’t fully “show up”, feels like sex is just another chore, offering you obligatory sex or you know & can tell when she’s faking it ……. husbands say they don’t like/enjoy sex like this. so WHY do you husbands FORGE AHEAD & have sex anyway ?? (Oh nevermind I got the answer —— it’s for YOUR OWN SELFISH SEXUAL PLEASURE)

  5. Anonymous says:

    I would add one to Julie’s list…controlling the frequency of sex, especially to once a month or less.

  6. Ted says:

    Amanda, I do not speak for all husbands, I only speak for me. I do believe IF a husband cares he can tell,if not you’re right he is being selfish. As one of those who does care, I resent the assumption that I forge ahead anyway. I don’t. In fact my wife has total control of if and when we have sex, regardless of what I want, because I’ve chosen to stop pursuing it.

  7. H says:

    @Amanda
    You couldn’t be farther from the truth with your crude generalization of all men. While I will agree that some selfish men are like that, most are not. We ‘forge ahead anyway’ in the hope that our wives will become in the mood after we get things started. In my case, I have to hold on to the hope that my wife can meet me there even if it takes her a little longer to get there. If I didn’t have that hope, I wouldn’t even bother trying anymore. She is the only good (earthly) thing I have left in this life and if she stopped being able to be arroused, I don’t know what I would do. I crave that feeling of connection with her that I can only have with her. If I ever found out that her attitude about me was like yours, it would crush me.

  8. Scott says:

    Great and daring post, Julie! I believe selfishness (on either side or both sides) is one of the biggest problems couples face that destroys sexual intimacy.

  9. e2 says:

    Amanda,

    I agree with H. We men have read many books, blogs, and comments from *women* who say they don’t have the same hormonal desire to *pursue* sex like we men do. I get that. We’re told over and over that a woman who expresses little interest in sex just *might* warm up to it once the foreplay begins. So, with that faint hope in mind, we “forge ahead” as you say, hoping that she will warm up and become aroused. But, the *last* thing I want to do is make love to a woman who doesn’t want it. I think that’s probably the case with most of the men who comment on Julie’s blog.

  10. Laura says:

    Amanda,
    When I read your response to husbands who have taken the time to urge and encourage other wives that what they perceive as truth is wrong, I hear bitterness and a hard angry heart. I only say this to admonish and encourage you that God doesn’t want us to live in anger and bitterness because you are giving place for Satan to work in your life. He wants to undo what God has put together, he wants to cause division and separate a team that could/should be witness for the Gospel.
    When you have a broken relationship and you really want to be in Gods will, you will do what is necessary to repair your relationship. I come from the side of a woman who wants to be more intimate, but who’s husband has a laundry list of excuses and makes false promises of trying harder and maybe another time. I say this because I struggle also with bitterness. I have to constantly search my heart and check for bitterness when my husband rejects me. Because there is such a long period of damage from my husband’s refusal, it can cause me to break down and it can be so emotionally taxing on me, I feel I can’t open myself up to him and have sex when he finally decides to. But he gently and tenderly reassures me, and his persistence and “forging ahead” is what shows me he does want me. And like H said, it does help change my mood and gets me in the right mindset. It is harsh to assume that all of men’s intentions are to forge ahead( regardless of the circumstances) or even because if any do, it’s out of selfish reasons. Sometimes things aren’t done just because its going to be fun or enjoyable, but because it will restore and bring healing.
    I appreciate my husband forging ahead and undoing my wrongful thinking that he doesn’t love me or want me. He is just a sinner, like me, who struggles with different sins than I do. Some of his sins do have consequences that hurt me, but they are not worse than mine own sins. They are equally grievious to God, so it does cause me to show grace (undeserved mercy) when I humble myself and think of his sin in light of what Christ has done ( and does)for me also.
    Laura

    I want to encourage you to meditate over Ephesians 4:30-32.
    And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

  11. Interesting says:

    I see a lot of similar posts like these on my Facebook feed from a friend. I sometines read them sometimes not but this really hit close to home. Over the course of our life together sex had become less and less frequent. A lot has to do with the body image my wife has at the moment so I don’t ever pressure her. However, ovee the years she has had on several occasions used sex as a bartering tool. One such occasion was she wanted a trip to Disneyland and made a deal of sex 3 nights a week until we had the money. I was all excited because that would go up from the normal once a month.

    The more and more I thought it about the more I hated the odea that I had to be bribed to do this. I had to decline but worked the ot anyway.

    The other thing I don’t see in here is before the act that is a huge issue for me as well. When we do there is no foreplay amd if there is I’m doing all the work. Touching her, rubbing her, massaging her, etc. Then it’s are you hard yet? Not trying to be so blunt those are the exact words.

    I at once showed her one of these articles and she said it sounded masochistic. Not this particular article writer but of the same context.

    All in I’m at a loss and very heartbroke over the whole thing.

  12. NGal says:

    Amanda,
    it seems that a woman cannot win – if she says ‘no’ she is being stingy, but if she goes ahead againts her wishes, she is being fake 🙁
    There are many blogs, (including Christian!) claiming that a submissive good wife has to learn to fake it, because there are women who do it for money and are perfectly able to pretend to enjoy it…
    How sad if any one in the marriage relationship needs to fake anything.

  13. Amy says:

    I am a wife who desires her husband and wants to make love often, but because he is always so tired from his work I often feel selfish when I feel undesired by him. I know he is too tired but sometimes I just need a good make out session and have him tell me he would if he could.

  14. Amanda says:

    I very truly apologize that I assumed most men just forge ahead. I have a very serious spinal injury, 14+ surgeries. Cannot walk straight or very well. I’m in chronic pain, even sitting or laying in bed which I cannot lay out straight. My husband says I owe him, I’m obligated to service him whenever he wants sex & he’s entitled to sex whenever he wants it ……as we have a little piece of paper called marriage license, so get over it !! (those are his words)
    He also tells me “hun you don’t have to do anything just lay there and spread your legs. I don’t mind that’s ok”. About 8 weeks ago I took my medications and went to bed, 2 hours later I was woken up from a sound dead sleep … he was forcefully raping me. I said no don’t stop that hurts it hurts no please stop. His reply “relax babe just relax, enjoy it, you know you like it. just just just enjoy it, come on relax & enjoy it, you know its nice. All the while I’m trying to sit up push him off me and he keeps pushing me back down.
    The next day he couldn’t understand why I was so mad & hurt . He told me “well you know men sometimes do this kind of stuff to their wives when they’re married. what’s the big deal anyways?? they’re married !! WE’RE MARRIED !!! so get over it”

    So yes I am bitter & hurt …..and yes, angry, when I hear husbands forging ahead anyways when the wife isn’t into it

  15. L says:

    Amanda,
    I’m so very sorry for your husband outrageously sinning against you in this way. You are right. It is rape. It is cruel that your husband do that. I will be praying he feel conviction of treating you like a tool, am object to use, rather than a wife.
    I will also be praying for God to heal and soften your heart. Cry out to him. He will answer you.
    I highly suggest a post by Hot,holy,humorous.
    It’s about marital rape.
    You can click on this link, http://hotholyhumorous.com/tag/rape-and-marriage/
    But you could also do a Google search for: hot holy humorous rape
    Please know there are many men that are tender hearted and are deeply desiring to show affection to their wives.

  16. H says:

    Amanda, I am truly sorry for the situation you are in. He is not showing you any respect as a person or love as a husband. If this is the type of marriage you have then I understand why you would feel that way. His actions make me sick. I wish you peace and hope you find a way to end this abuse either by getting him to understand your pain or leaving him if you need to. If ever there was a legitimate reason for divorce, I would think your situation would qualify because his behavior is abuse.

  17. Amy says:

    Amanda,
    I pray you find help and a way out of an abusive marriage. It is very wrong what your husband is doing to you. Find help for yourself.

  18. e2 says:

    Amanda,

    I work in the legal system. Depending on where you live, your husband’s actions might be criminal. He needs a serious wake-up call, and it sounds as if you have lived with it so long that you might have learned to accept it as typical male behavior. As you have seen from the other posts, it’s not at all typical. Your husband needs a serious intervention to get some serious help. That help may come from the criminal justice system. I strongly recommend that you make an appointment to speak with your local prosecuting attorney. It doesn’t hurt to talk and your conversation will remain confidential. Many people, especially Christians, might be reluctant to take such an action because it doesn’t sound very loving or merciful. But, there are times when a person needs corrective discipline in order to be able to receive mercy. Even God says in Hebrews that he disciplines those he loves. The most loving thing you can do for your husband is to report his potentially illegal behavior to the proper authorities. I pray you do so, for his sake as well as your own.

  19. BryGuy says:

    Amanda,

    Please get some help for you AND your husband. He sounds like he has some serious anger issues, and he is taking it out on you because you’re closest to him. (And more than likely, the least likely to abandon him for it.) He probably was treated poorly growing up, and he never healed from it fully. HOWEVER, that gives him absolutely no right to violate your boundaries IN ANY WAY. I hope you find the strength to get yourself some therapy and distance from him to think. If you separated and demanded him to get therapy too, then maybe it would be a wake up call for him. If he never changes, then you will have to choose to either leave or stay (and take the abuse…not recommended). This won’t be easy, but you need to stand up for yourself and your personal boundaries. I’d say talk to him, but it sounds like you are way past that point. So marriage counseling or divorce are basically your only options.

    Good luck!

  20. Ben says:

    Sex to a man is like a woman being randomly bought flowers and a loving card containing some truly magical words written by her man. It is not just an animalistic thing that we want because we are hungry. It truly is their experience of loving affection. Woman often talk of sex in a way that makes a man feel guilty for asking for or initiating it. They reduce it down to a frequency that is absolutely perfect for themselves and hide behind an array of excuses the rest of the time. I can imagine it’s very nice getting exactly the amount of sex that is perfect for you but wouldn’t recommend it if it’s at the detriment of your partner. Compromise is something I see a lot of woman failing miserably with when it comes to sexual frequency. Of course this changes completely the second a man agrees to impregnate his wife and all of a sudden he is having to literally fight his woman off. The same woman that could only achieve once per month is suddenly finding 2-4 per week very easy. Woman use sex all the time to gain the upper hand or when it suits their agenda. They pretend they don’t but it’s so true. If there was something I could do for my wife that was free, took 20 mins or so, that conveniently took place in the comfort of my own home I can honestly say she would never wait 6 weeks for it, have it once and then wait another 6 weeks for it and so the pattern continues. If I denied my wife sexually like she denies me and like I know all my friends wives do, I would expect to be the victim of an affair. I use the word victim very loosely as I believe if you are as much to blame as the person who did the act. I have been a faithful husband, I sometimes wonder why.

  21. kev says:

    We’ve been married for 7 years, and I’m having trouble.

    I feel like I am constantly catching her lying. She has energy to shop, hang out with friends, and be seen with me publicly, but never eager for intimacy with me.

    I feel like she is using me for a nice house and social status, but just expects me to keep working like I do while she does what she wants when it suits her.

    She doesn’t like to kiss me or make out, is very boring during intercourse (not allowing me to touch her any where unless it’s going to make her climax), and I’m starting to dislike her as a person.

    I feel like I kill myself for our kids and both companies I’ve started, and she is very proud to say “we” started, but I’m getting to the point where I am almost wishing she’d cheat so I can move on to someone else.

    Yes we are in counseling, yes I pray daily and do my own devotional, but I’ve never met someone who isn’t ever at fault. Everything is my fault to her. She never apologizes or takes ownership until I ask her to.

    I’ve been praying that God takes away my sex drive so I don’t have to even deal with her.

    Please pray for us.

  22. Jim says:

    I so wish I could get my wife to read an understand this article.
    I will state that there are a few “curve balls” to our relationship.
    My wife has sexual abuse in her childhood. I know and understand this. She is working on the issues it has caused.But she is a strong woman and has worked through many of the issues.
    I wish I could get her to understand my side of it., but this article describes what she does almost to a “t”. I have tried talking to her about it but it always seems to come across to her as I am judging or criticizing her. that is not my intention. I don’t know how to present things to her in a way that is non threatening..ANYTHING I say say causes her to immediately go on the defensive. I am sure her past has some to do with it, and I have suggested counselling. for us both as individuals and together…but as of today she is resistant.
    I am dying inside..I so want to be intimate..loving..sharing…but right now it is very one sided..in the bedroom anyway…

  23. Ari says:

    Laura count yourself lucky you have a withholding husband and not the other way around. I learned the hard way most men prefer and unwilling wife to a willing one and will go to extreme lengths, condemn a woman for active sexual desire then pressure her for unwilling sex, then make that painful and bad an complain if she manages enough to respond enough physically avoid physical pain even if it’s emotioanlkg horrific.

    And of course if I say no to this I’m sinning, agaisnt God and using sex as weapon.

    Hey, if the woman controls the frequency of sex, in other words if the woman can make a choice wether or not to have sex with her husband and have it respected, she’s emasculaing him by controlling the sex. Wanting add frequently and often doesn’t change this. She’s still emasculating him if she’s enjoying it and wanting several times a week. For a man to be dominant and head and in control he has to control it, and her, which means she has to not like to and he has to be able to make her do it anyway.

    My husband preferred mindgames, and insults and namecalling. He wasn’t physically violent.

    I’m still trying to get this man out of my house. He won’t leave.

    I assume Amanda’s sex was proabably as bad if not worse than mine, and her drive, like mine is proabably high. And yes, my heart is hardedned. And yes I’m sinning agaisnt God trying to break up a marriage. This is easier for me because I’m the non believer, and my husband is the Christian. I don’t envy the contempt loathing and hatred Christian women in my position usually get. The secular world is much more meeciful and kinder in this way.

    I miss connection and intimacy, certainly no with my current, hopefully soon ex husband, but I can’t trust enough to even imagine really going with this.

    I spent years forcing myself to fake it through a sexual aversion-that mean skin crawling stomach churning soul crushing sex, while trying to talk out what it would take to fix the marriage.

    Instead what I found in forums and marriage and clergy advice in general is that most people see nothing wrong with what my husband did, and expect me to continue forcing myself through a sexual aversion for the rest of my life because my husband does me favors like going to work to pay his bills and he participated in raising his kids for which I owe him revolting sexual servitude occasionally.

    I know the old Jewish custom was the wife had the right to sexual pleasure and the husband had no right to compel her. This makes sense since I’m pre birth control days frequent childbearing usually meant the babies staved to death and the died of blood loss from anemia. Modern life is good. I can read Ephesians as well as anyone. I know the Bible says a husband has a right to dedicate his life to his wife and serve her with his body and sexuality and nothing more. I do know that. Sounds hot doesn’t it? I think the Biblical standard is actually higher than the secular one, but that’s not how it’s implimented. Instead it means he gets to take what he wants and you can’t tell him no or expect him to care, because you gave up the right to consent when you married. And all that sex he gave up from elsewhere? That was a sin he shouldn’t have been committing in the first place, at least by Christian standards.

    It’s good to here from the men who can tell, do tell and will care.

    I’m going to say Andrea Dworkin pegged reactive sex drive 50 years ago. When women are aggressively shamed and guilted out of acting on any desire in their adolescence and told they deserve sexual violence if they expose desire, then told sex is a man’s need in marriage and that women’s sexuality is irrelevant to the process, well you get women who can only react with physical anticipation to a man’s sexual expectations, or reactive desire. I think this is changing. I certainly wasn’t raised this way, but I think it’s still a problem for a lot of conservative Christian women.

    Christians would do women and the world a great service, God a great service if you will, to teach boys and girls HOW to have sex in marriage instead of not to have sex until marriage. Preparing children for adulthood usually works better than trying to avoid allowing them to grow up.

    Feminists also often criticize USA sex ed for not covering the woman’s physical response during sex, and only discussing the changes in the male body. When I took a Bradley class to prepare for having my kids, I learned that the vagina in women actually lengthens, and encourages. The uterus physically moves out of the way. It’s not just lubrication.

    I imagine if more boys knew her body had to change, her internal organs had to shift, and her vagina had to lengthen and become engourged to avoid physically bruising and cuts during sex, if the boys saw medical type line drawings in school, it would change the attitude of young men towards women’s bodies, and he process, and it would explain why, physically lie there, pretends to like it, is a bad idea. This would be especially helpful for young men and teenagers. (I know Christians aren’t big on sexually active teens, I’m not a fan either, but making those experiences more traumatic and cruel and ignorant doesn’t help.) I assume most couples do eventually figure this out, but I think it would help young husbands immensely and give young very inexperienced wife’s a shot at actually understanding and liking sex. We don’t prepare boys well in this culture. That doesn’t do anyone any favors either.

    Jim look for anything by Ester Perel, and look for a sex therapist who has experimence with your specific issue. And if one of you doesn’t like that one find another one. To quote my pharmacist dad, a good heart doctor is a good heart doctors psychologist are only good with their specific issues-so find a sex therapist that’s good with your specific issue that both like.

    Also the brain sex. The brain is the biggest sex organ, an usually this isn’t so much the physical act as the connection and being wanted. So, find erotic things you can do together, or teasing and ways to build tension and let you two feel connected that you both like that don’t involve physical touching. This could be flirting, sending texts, phone sex, writing poetry, telling one another you find each other physically attractive, she could smack your butt and tell you she thinks hot and is glad your around, whatever, as long as she knows you will accept this, and not pressure her for sex, you get to know your wanted and she doesn’t have to worry about being expects to allow others to have sex with her when it feels violating and she doesn’t want to.

  24. Ari says:

    Ben you act like sex is some animalistic thing for women and we can just force and fake it and go through the motions and lie and pretend to like it when we’re dying inside. We can’t.

    Women can go through the motions, but we’re compromising on consent and giving up any trust or belief you want to be wanted or are interested in pleasing us and are perfectly happy to get off violating and revolting and harming us.

    That leads to a sexual aversion and sexual abuse and rape. Look up sexual aversion in the Marriage Builders website, it’s a good description of it.

    If you want to have magical sex, quit treating female sexual desire and feelings as an offensive inconvenience you shouldn’t have to deal with to get off in her body. Start treating her sexuality as essential to process, and start treating her sexual needs as essential instead of an excuse for abusing you and your wife will start believing you care. Words don’t matter, actions do.

    Yes men have to be frustrated. Women get to have periods and bear kids. Don’t like it? Go drink a gallon of ice water and run a few miles. The cramping is what a period is like. Imagine days of that. Bothe men and women get screwed in their own way.

    Oh and the meaningless thing your wife can easily do conveniently in her own home? If you treat her vulnerability and love making and pooring her heart and soul out to as easy and meaniless? Well she’s not going to want to receive your contempt loathing and hatred at her most defenseless and vulnerable, so no, casting pearls before swine is a bad idea and leads to them getting trampled in the mud. Sexually this is what you are doing with your wife. Knock it off.

    Sex isn’t trivial or meaningless or easy disposable convenient nothing for women. Men who treat it she way don’t get it out of self protection.

    And yes, motherhood is a big part of female sexuality. If you’d like to see your wife’s God given sexuality maybe talk about not using birth control or having a much larger family. Go read Humanea Vitea.

    Don’t want to deal with to? Then accept you have to give up a large percentage of your sexuality just like modern women do.

  25. William says:

    Amanda,
    You clearly miss the point as to what marriage is and what you agreed to when you made solemn vows before God. read 1 Corinthians 7: “…every man should have his own wife, and every woman her own husband.
    3 The husband should fulfill his duty toward his wife, and likewise the wife toward her husband. 4 A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control.”
    Your husband has every right to demand sex whenever he desires and you have an obligation to fulfill his needs. Pretty basic. if you don’t like it, you should never have married.

  26. Joe says:

    William,

    You clearly miss the point as to what marriage is and what you agreed to when you make solen vows before God.

    NOBODY has the right to demand sex from his/her spouse. You are required to try to do your best but sorry, what you posted is a twisted interpretation of the Bible and leads to domestic violence. Your words are to the very core a problem with many “Godly” or born again Christians that use the Word of God as only a tool for selfish personal satisfaction.

  27. Heidi says:

    Joe, I just want say thanks for your post. You took the words right out of my mouth.
    I wanted to post a reply to William yesterday but as a woman did not wanted to be attacked by men for the same response that you have posted. Thanks again!

  28. Pingback: Sex Isn't Everything in Marriage. BUT... | Intimacy in Marriage

  29. warren says:

    Great advice n encoraging…. yet heartbreaking as I read about the lady with back issues and her husband forced himself…just not good at all. Ive been trying to read and understand is my wife sexuallu selfish and do i have the correct terminology. She wants to have sex on the weekend only. Just a quikie on saturday mornings. Im at the point of not wanting to have sex with her. We dated 6 yrs married for 1 yr. Id call it rationing out sex on her terms. She claims because she has to get up early. This being the reason for no sex during the week. The clincher is she stays up and watches tv until 10pm or 11pm some nights. Is this sexually selfish or where did i go wrong

  30. Big Daddy says:

    After reading several posts on here, I love to see when a husband “uses his words” or tells his wife how the lack sex in their marriage is affecting him and then it seems to be a stereotypical response from nowadays is that if the husband wants more sex or intimacy he is being completely selfish!! Funny, husbands are supposed to listen to their wives wants and needs, but when the shoe is on the other foot, husbands are being selfish!! This is a real sore bone of contention in my marriage, as a husband I am supposed to cater to my wife’s every need and want, but if I make any comments or concerns about intimacy or sex, then I am jus being selfish!! This is 2019, guys shouldn’t have to initate sex all the time, women should start taking some responsibility in this area and quite complaining about the lack of romance in their marriages/relationships, maybe if they gave a little then they would receive more!!

  31. Randy says:

    I’d love it if my wife would would just “fake it”.

    We all subconsciously pursuer pleasure memories and try to make new ones. But when your only memories of sex with your wife become that of her whining and trying to get away from you, only wanting vanilla, and having no interest at all in doing anything at all that i might like – sexually satisfying her man… it’s quite disheartening to say the least.

    I don’t believe in cheating. But the longer this goes on, the more I wonder what it would be like to be with a woman who cared about what I want.

  32. One life says:

    Seriously, everyone sounds so unhappy. Why not just divorce, become a nun, or a eunic. Seriously. if you notice, people aren’t flocking to marriage anymore. The ROI isn’t there. After the wedding, let the games begin. No one wants to feel trapped, resentful, and ultimately hopeless. Don’t want to have sex with spouse, okay, let your your spouse sub it out until you mature. Religious marriage is a joke, wrought with rules that seldom get followed without much scrutiny.

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