Oh my, I can already hear the laments on this one about how you aren’t selfish.
And maybe you aren’t one of those sexually selfish husbands, and this post doesn’t apply to you.
But there are some out there. And maybe you are one.
Yes, there are some wives who are sexually selfish too. I wrote about them here.
Before you read the post on wives, here’s something worth pondering…
You might be a selfish husband sexually if…
(1) You are just in it for your own satisfaction.
Imagine for a moment that every (or nearly all) sexual encounters you have end with NO orgasm. No tingly feelings. No release. No mountaintop experience.
That. Sounds. Horrible. Right?
Well, if you are focused only on your sexual climax and aren’t making sure your wife gets to hers, it’s no wonder your wife sees sex as one big chore.
If she is not climaxing in most of your sexual encounters, then it might be that you are selfishly consumed only with your orgasm. One and done.
(Yes, I know. Sometimes, she is the one who isn’t interested in having an orgasm, but I do hear from pa-lenty of women who wish their husbands would pay a bit more attention to making sure she gets there).
For more on orgasm, check out all the posts on this page.
(2) You rarely or never respond to her initiation.
Maybe you’re that guy who has a wife who initiates, subtly expresses her sexual desire for you or even comes right out and says, “I really want to have sex tonight.”
And you do nothing. No interest. No response.
You handle her comments and initiation as if they are nothing more than a passing phase.
That’s selfish. And it’s sinful. It’s blatant disregard for 1 Corinthians 7.
I know that the reason some men ignore or back down from their wife’s sexual initiation is because of struggles with desire, erectile dysfunction, stress and so forth. I am in no way minimizing the legitimate physical and emotional issues that take a toll on sexual intimacy from a man’s perspective.
Even so, though, if that describes you, you owe it to yourself and her (and your marriage in general) to explore why those struggles are happening and possible solutions.
Through honest dialogue with your wife, you likely will discover a woman who wants to support you and reassure you.
But you can’t just keep ignoring her. That’s not going to work.
(3) You’re not willing to understand what sex means to her.
I don’t know what sex means to your wife, but I would be willing to bet it might be different than what sex means to you.
For some wives, sex is reassurance. (I touched on that in this post about my husband and I making love after someone tried to break into our house).
For some wives, sex is what reminds her that you are in this thing called life — together. For some wives, sex is a release of stress and the embodiment of love all wrapped into one.
Seek to understand what sex means to her.
(4) You aren’t pulling your weight around the house.
I know this is beyond cliche, but the truth is, most cliches find their roots in this thing called truth.
If you’re expecting her to take care of everything with the house, the kids, the in-laws, the errands, the soccer practice, the “we are out of milk again,” the bills, the homework and so on, well that’s just a huge drag on her sexual desire.
I’m not here to give you commentary on how division of labor should work in your home.
Just make sure it’s not all on her. Because if it’s all on her, she probably has little interest, time or energy to get naked with you when the lights go down.
(5) There are ulterior motives behind your compliments.
Every now and then I hear from wives who feel their husband is complimentary toward her only when he wants sex.
If your compliments find their foundation in an ulterior motive, she saw the pattern in your compliments long ago. The gig is up.
It hurts her. And possibly even angers her.
Plain and simple, compliments that are dripping with the sting of ulterior motive are never going to arouse her. Try a different approach — one that is authentic and affirms her regularly, not just when you want to get busy beneath the sheets.
(6) You insist on things always being your way.
I get it. There are certain sexual positions or experiences you like more than others. But sex can’t always be on your terms.
Sexual intimacy in marriage needs to be a place of mutual learning and awareness. It simply has to be the right mix of selflessness and selfishness, where sexual needs and desires are not just acknowledged, but pursued.
Of course, I’m talking about needs and desires and sex positions and sex experiences that all fall in the realm of what’s acceptable in the marriage bed. So, third parties are a no go. Pornography is a no go. BDSM is a no go.
You get the picture. Talk with your wife about ways you both can enjoy sex. Don’t insist on things always being your way.
If you’re still reading and you see yourself in any of the signs of sexual selfishness, be encouraged that you can right the ship on this.
If there are things you need to confess and ask for forgiveness on, then don’t delay!
Share this post with your wife and use it as a spring board into some good conversation on how the two of you together can move forward to heal and build intimacy.
Because sex should be a place marked much more by generosity than selfishness.
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Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.