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5 Reasons You May Be Sexually Inhibited
Sep
If you are sexually inhibited, I have my theories as to why.
I don’t know you personally, but if you find it challenging to enjoy sex with your husband, not to mention pursue it often with abandon, I’m thinking it might be because of one or more of the below 5 reasons.
1. You’re afraid you will lose control.
Out of sheer necessity, we as women spend a lot of time trying to keep the chaos (otherwise known as “our life”) from spinning out of control. Oh, what with the 18,900 details we must choreograph on any given day.
I get it. I know.
At any moment, you feel like it all is a house of cards that is teetering precariously close to an abyss from which you aren’t overly confident you could ever recover.
There’d be no milk in the house. The children would be running amok. You’ll never know what’s for dinner. You’ll have missed all the important deadlines at work. Your email in box will have gone rogue on you. The dog will go days without being fed.
It can be daunting to imagine giving yourself over completely to sexual connection that is not contrived, choreographed and controlled.
Yet, that’s where you need to go girlfriend.
You need to go there with the guy who stood next to you at the altar. You promised to give yourselves up to each other — to intimately surrender your whole self to each other. That’s a messy out-of-control endeavor, I know.
But when you as a wife loosen your grip and discover true enjoyment of sexual intimacy, you likely will discover that being uninhibited sexually gives you more steadiness in the rest of your life. Ironic. But true.
2. He has neglected you and/or betrayed you.
There’s no way I’m going to minimize or trivialize the deep pain in this one.
No one really wants to become completely vulnerable (sexually and otherwise) with the person who has deeply wounded them. I am not naive to the ways such woundedness shows up, whether it be another woman or pornography or blatant neglect on too many levels to count.
Yet, if you are still married, you can’t skirt around this issue of sex.
I don’t know your circumstances, but I do know God is a redemptive God. If your husband has repented of his infliction of pain on you, then do all you can to seek healing in your entire relationship, including your sexual relationship.
If he refuses to humbly turn from his sin, seek the support and counsel of mature sisters in Christ who can guide you on how to navigate, including any heart wrenching choices.
3. You associate sexual pleasure with sin.
If your single days were also your sexual promiscuity days, then you possibly only associate sexual pleasure with sin. Not surprisingly, that can be one heck of a mental block to overcome when you are in the one place where sex is not a sin. In your marriage with your husband.
I have had more than one woman confide in me that she can’t forgive herself not only for the sexual promiscuity with men before her husband, but also for the sexual promiscuity with her husband before they were married.
Your past sexual sin is not beyond the blood of Jesus.
Stop punishing yourself and/or spouse for past promiscuity and stop believing God is punishing you.
And maybe promiscuity has nothing to do with why you think sex is always sinful. Skewed theology and icky comments from well-meaning Christians have often taken their toll on Christian girls. Were you told sex is always wrong (even though it’s not wrong in marriage!)… or that it’s gross… or that it’s merely your duty as a wife? I’m sorry, but you were lied to.
If you cling to the lie that sexual pleasure is sin, you sabotage nearly all possibilities for sexual pleasure with the man you married.
4. You are confused about Christian modesty.
It’s the mental gymnastics of, “How do I carry myself modestly outside the bedroom… and then get wild beneath the sheets in the bedroom?” Many Christian women struggle with this. Many.
This confusion about Christian modesty mingles closely with the idea that sexual pleasure is sinful.
Yes, God does want you to carry yourself modestly in most circumstances. But nowhere — I mean, nowhere — in His Word does He command you to be sexually repressed and modest with your husband.
If anything, the book of Song of Songs, as well as verses in Proverbs and other books of the Bible, support and encourage sexual fervor, passion and freedom between a husband and wife.
5. You’ve never had an orgasm.
It’s difficult to be uninhibited when nothing really has pushed you over the edge pleasure-wise. Sexual pleasure is indescribable. I can say that because I’ve had unfathomably amazing orgasms.
If you’ve never had an orgasm — or you have incredible difficulty having them — there is hope. I know it doesn’t feel like it, especially if you’ve been married a long time and maybe have even been faking orgasm — rather than enjoying the real deal.
As I have often said, the clitoris serves no other purpose but sexual pleasure in a woman. But I admit, the thing can be a bit finicky. Not quite as predictable as the penis. Yet God created sexual pleasure for both a husband and a wife, so you can bet He cares greatly about you experiencing it.
Some of my past posts may be helpful if you are trying to become more orgasmic. I’ve written about orgasm here, here, here, here, here and here.
If you are sexually inhibited, you don’t have to allow inhibition to reign over sex in your marriage any more. Get courageous. Take steps that will help nurture intimacy with your husband.
Two practical suggestions:
One, study God’s Word and what it says about sex. Go to the Author of sex to grasp all it can be in your marriage.
Two, ask your husband to spend extra time during foreplay caressing your entire body with a variety of touches. Focus on his touch. Focus on the way you’ll likely become wet. Relax and remind yourself that the arousal you feel throughout your body is exactly what God envisioned for you as a wife.
The below posts may also give you some ideas…
3 Ways to Be (Slightly) More Adventurous Sexually
5 Ways to Be Sexually Playful While Clothed
Sexual Positions: Hey, I’m a Housewife, Not a Gymnast
Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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You forgot number six, a woman who was sexually abused or raped. With one out of every 4 women having been sexually abused or assaulted at some time in her life, this is often a huge cause of inhibitions.
Nice list. I’d add a couple…
You avoid any form of intimacy.
and
Your marriage is more about a feeling of security than having a relationship.
Seen both of these before and whereas your list assumes sex is happening at some level, these two are part of the sexless relationship.
Well said!
Thanks for a very thoughtful and helpful essay, Julie.
Point number 1 is so apropos and on target! Willingly, consciously letting go and “losing control” and becoming uninhibited in one’s loving marital sexual intimacy opens us to the freedom and the shared joy that God intended for the spouses. This is a hurdle for many wives to overcome, but once overcome the wife can be confident, safe and secure in her freedom to let go with her husband in their lovemaking. As well, the range of expression of your shared sexual love expands when you lose your inhibitions. You are thus free to be spontaneous, playful, and take the initiative. Greater enjoyment and excitement are the results.
When you think about our lives these days, the sexual intimacy we share with our spouse is one of the very few settings or activities in which we really can let go and be safe in doing so. No one has to know that a woman is passionate, desirous of sexual union, free, and even wild with her husband in their bed.
@Jennifer McFarland… thank you for making that point! Definitely! You are so correct.
Thank you also to @scott, @Stacie Gundy and @Larry B for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it!
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Julie as usual another great article.
@Scott: I’m sorry to say that if that is your relationship, I know at least one other person who was in the same boat. Their wife cared for NOTHING except the paycheck that came with her husband, and there was no intimacy whatsoever in the marriage. That particular wife depended upon the husband to keep his vows while she completely abused hers. No, it isn’t me. It’s observing that marriage, and discovering how many men are in that same or similar situation, that makes me appreciate this blog and what it promotes.
Good article.
Many may be unaware of this one, but having no emotional connection to your husband because of his inability to meaningfully and deeply connect due to Aspergers Syndrome would be one to add to the list. It doesn’t have to be Aspergers either, it could be Alexithymia due to an emotionally unattached mother. Many of these men simply had no nurturing given to them during childhood. The very relationship in which they were to learn how to connect emotionally to another woman was dysfunctional and the entirety of their marital happiness hinged on it. I have not been able to open mysrlf to my husband since the third week of our marriage because of the disconnect that was evident in him from the wedding night and beyond. These men cannot comnect love, emotional intimavy and sex together. Sex for them is like eating a meal you’ve fixed for him or anything else you do. They are unable to integrate two into one. Women married to them often have not experienced the “one flesh” concept of biblical marriage or even “make-up” sex because no emotions are expressed during the act or at any other time. I take that back, anger and resentment are two emotions often shown by them. Happiness escapes the grasp of these women because they will never experience the marital sexual experience God intended for them. Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world.
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You didn’t even mention survivors of rape or child molestation.
What about people who are asexual? What about people who are sex repulsed or touch averse?
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