sex, sexual intimacy
Some Thoughts on Oral Sex…
Just taking a moment to point you to the results of a survey Paul and Lori Byerly recently did on oral sex. You can find their post here.
Their post may be a good conversation starter with your beloved regarding this somewhat sensitive topic.
If you want to read more on the topic, here are other posts to consider…
Is it Reasonable to Say “No” to Oral Sex?
Enough with the Double Standards about Oral Sex
An Important Follow-Up on the Oral Sex Post
Pulling Back the Sheets: Genuine Dialogue Among Christians About Oral Sex
And insights from Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous…
Oral Sex: Better to Give and Receive, Volume 1
Oral Sex: Better to Give and Receive, Part Deux
And from a Grown Up Marriage…
Oral Sex, Leftovers and Development
I know I have other Christian blogger friends who have written about it (and maybe even some of you readers know of other Christian posts on the subject). If you know of other links, please tell me and I’ll try to get them added to the page.
A big shout out to any blogger, author or speaker who tries to authentically address the matter of oral sex for married couples.
I know this is a topic that sometimes makes Christians uncomfortable.
In some marriages, though, it is a source of conflict, an unspoken desire or simply a bewildering territory that husbands and wives just don’t know how to discuss.
At any rate, I’m just trying to do my part to shed some light.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
I wrote one couple months back called Taste Below the Waist regarding the taste objection to oral sex. http://happilymarriedafter.org/2012/04/20/the-taste-below-the-waist/
Julie – Thanks so much for putting together these links. It’s great to have a growing group of Christians who will address such issues.
Statistics come handy when you need to make a point to an audience. But there are other ways to make a point.
Initially we used oral sex as a natural birth control method, because I was never on the pill. Lately, after our fourth child, oral sex became the de facto sex activity in our bed, as he was too scared of getting me pregnant again, and again… And only after I officially entered menopause, he dared “spice up” oral sex with vaginal intercourse.
Now, that I have the two, I can hardly decide to tell which is better. This is what makes me think that, at the end of the day, it turns out to be a matter of habit, of practice. Satisfying each other orally can be as rewarding, or even more, as the classical way. It’s up to you!
Nice list Julie. Dr. Corey & I just talked about this on Sexy Marriage Radio – especially when 1 spouse wants to and the other does not.http://sexymarriageradio.com/going-down.html
Thanks Julie for your honest, mature and respectful treatment of this topic.
Sadly, it has only been in recent decades that we have begun to question this Augustinian sexual pessimism, and hatred of pleasure in Western civilization. We need to achieve a more mature, healthy, and rational appreciation of marriage in the Western world. We’re not there yet.
Clearly, God intended sexual love for marriage. It is also clear that sex within marriage is not excusively, nor even primarily, for procreation. (We would have a mating season if that were true.)
Wives and husbands ought not feel any needless guilt nor shame in expressing their sexual love for each other through oral sex. We cannot recommend it highly enough to married couples, especially newlyweds. (And, with some experience and confidence gained, young wives usually experience no problems with completing their loving fellatio by freely accepting their husband’s ejaculation.)
The moral of this story: The range of expression of the shared sexual love between the spouses ought not be unduly restricted or limited.
Thanks again for your treatment of this topic.
I posted Oral Sex, Leftovers and Development a back in March.
http://agrownupmarriage.com/?p=982
Thank you for your website. A few years ago a very popular Pastor spoke at a church conference I was at. He stated that if you participate in oral sex you were going to hell. That very night I went home and told me husband that we could not do that anymore. Our marriage begin to suffer because it was something we had been use to for 11 years and enjoyed loving each other. I since discover that I’m not going to hell for loving my husband. Thank you for this site.
I just stumbled on your Web site. I was a virgin when I married (almost five years ago), but my husband was not. He had several partners while in high school and early college, but abstained from sex for about five years before we were married (after becoming a Christian). After we had our child, I noticed my husband was not as interested in sex. At first, I just thought it was exhaustion and new parenthood, but about two years ago (our son is now three), I really started getting worried. I finally decided that perhaps I just wanted more sex than my husband did (including oral sex–after the baby, he always liked to receive but rarely–only once or twice–gave in this area anymore.) I asked the Lord to settle my heart; help me be content in this area of my life. That very afternoon, I discovered my husband had been watching porn that very morning after I left for work. Over a period of a week, I discovered that he had been watching porn on the internet for at least two years. I was hopeful because he was repentant, and I felt that since this was what had been standing between us in our sex life (he admitted this), that our sexual intimacy would improve. That was a month-and-a-half ago. After a discussion about improving our intimacy (that included a discussion about our one-sided oral sex) one night, he promised he would pray about our intimacy and talk to me about it this past Tuesday. He came through on his promise, but refused to talk to me about specifics–he just promised that intimacy was an area he wanted to improve and that he would continue to pray. Since the ten days he began praying, he stopped wanting me to perform oral sex on HIM, which was scary to me because he never explained his reasoning. I just asked him about it, and in a very rude way he said “The whole oral sex thing just makes me uncomfortable.” I am so, so hurt, because we had a non-threatening time set aside to talk about this two days ago, and he just told me this after five years of marriage in a very hurtful way. I can’t help but weep–I feel like this non-issue has become an enormous issue in our marriage. I mean, the act itself is nice (it is usually just a part of foreplay, not a separate act for us), but I feel like my husband is withholding intimacy from me and hiding behind the idea that it is “sinful.” I also feel like this part of our intimate relationship only became “dirty” to him after watching pornography. I just feel so hurt and betrayed. Has anyone gone through this, or have any advice to offer? Please help! I had so much hope for our marriage after he repented of his pornography addiction, but I am starting to think it is going to define our marriage for a long time to come. I mean, if he can just decide intimate behaviors are sinful, what is next? Please help.
Hello Ann… thank you for your comment and being so honest about your situation.
I am not a counselor, but just from what you have shared, I sense that the pornography issue still has some unresolved remnants, regardless of whether he has stopped.
Because pornography is rooted in such a skewed portrayal of sex, it’s not surprising that for a couple that has suffered devastation from it would have a hard time getting their bearings — including embracing and nurturing amazing sex in the marriage bed.
Certainly continue to pray, but if your husband is open to it, I would highly encourage that he (and possibly both of you together) seek the support of a ministry dedicated to helping couples in situations like yours.
If you go to the following link on my site and look at the comment section, readers have offered many suggestions on resources and ministries specifically dealing with porn. https://intimacyinmarriage.com/2011/10/03/the-best-resources-in-overcoming-porn-addiction-please-tell-me-what-they-are/
Even if your husband isn’t willing to explore one of those resources, would he be open to Christian marriage counseling? Sometimes having a third party facilitate conversation can be so beneficial to breaking through difficulties.
You are right that you don’t want these sexual struggles to define your marriage…
I hope some of this is helpful…
Hi, Julie. Thank you so much for the quick and thoughtful response. I have been going to counseling for a few weeks now, but when I mention it to my husband, he doesn’t seem interested. Also, he seems to think he is completely free from his prior sin, so (from what he has told me) he doesn’t see the need for outside support. I know Christ can work that powerfully in a person’s life, but I know I would feel a lot better if he looked into some of these resources. I will continue to pray for him. He is a stubborn man–it will take God’s voice to change any resolutions he has made about going to counseling or not.
Thank you so much for your kind comments and advice. I am so glad I ran across your site. I know it will be a valuable resource for me and my family.
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Oral sex without the man ejaculating in the wifes mouth is an ok way to spice up your sex life.
The temptation for the man to come has to be conquered.
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It was always about seeing my wife in the throes of orgasm for me. I happily gave to her as much oral sex as she could stand – and I mean she had to ask me to stop because she was wasted from one orgasm after another. I enjoyed giving but for me it was about watching her in ecstasy again and again!
She passed away Sept 23, 2017. We were married 46 1/2 years. And I still miss her so much!