authentic, intimacy, sex, sexual intimacy, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Extraordinary Sex in Your Ordinary Life
May
I’ve always felt painfully average.
When Jesus says the first will be last and the last will be first, I figure… ehh… I’ll probably be right in the middle somewhere.
Average.
And by most accounts, my life is, as my friend says “scary normal” — full of monotonous routines, carpool trips, an occasional empty milk jug, messy floors, too much clutter, a rogue calendar and a disobedient dog.
But no real drama. No deep crises.
All my problems are First World problems. And even those — they are the tamest of First World problems.
An. Ordinary. Life.
I imagine this is where many of you live as well.
It is easy to miss the extraordinary in this ordinary place. We crawl into our same cars and our numbingly-familiar routines. And at the end of the day, we sort through mail and laundry and sticky lunch boxes.
An. Ordinary. Life.
Maybe this ordinary life begs for us to not wait for the extraordinary, but to actually pursue it and find it. There amidst the messy schedules and the exhaustion and the routine.
Married life looks nothing like the wedding.
I’ve come to believe, though, that the fairytale doesn’t necessarily fade, but rather has to be re-made. Realistically crafted from the loose threads of kind words, “I’m-in-this-with-you” glances, a genuine touch.
Do you know where extraordinary sex lives? Not in fancy hotels or once-a-year anniversary trips or the occasional “ideal” date night. Sure, extraordinary sex visits those places — tags along with you for the ride.
But that’s not where it lives.
Extraordinary sex lives in the ordinary.
But it’s not a bully. It won’t force its way on to your “to do” list or into your sleep-deprived lethargy. Nope.
You have to choose that making love is worth the effort. That the person you fell in love with — the one next to you in the often-debilitating journey — is worth it. You have to choose.
You have to decide that offering your heart and body and attention is not a mere sub-plot, but rather a defining theme of your marriage.
You have to have the resolve to not be permanently distracted by dusty countertops, muddy dogs, grumpy children or belligerent schedules.
And. That’s. Hard.
I. Know.
But — for most of us, it is not impossible. This extraordinary sex, fashioned out of a giving of ourselves, over and over again, to tender and humble connectedness — no, it is not impossible.
My guess is that if you are reading this and weeping a bit on the inside, it’s either because you have long desired just this sort of sex from your spouse, to no avail. OR, you have pushed aside this sort of sex, causing agonizing — yet not always seen — damage to the person you love and to your marriage.
And to yourself, really.
Thankfully, today is not yesterday.
And as long as you’re still in it — the two of you trying to make sense of this thing called marriage — then I believe there is still time.
What will it take for you to pursue extraordinary sex in your ordinary life?
Because that’s where extraordinary sex lives. It lives in the ordinary.
Copyright 2014, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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In answer to the concluding question of the essay, it will take a giving attitude and a willingness to surrender, to be vulnerable. Make it a priority, make the effort.
Yes, ordinary, average individuals can have extraordinary sex within their marriages, and it is not too late to start working for this.
“offering your heart and body”
“giving of ourselves, over and over again”
“resolve to not be permanently distracted”
“tender and humble connectedness”
Sounds more like worship, doesn’t it?
Maybe if we took lovemaking as an act of worship (not an optional extra) we’d be able to suck extraordinary honey from the beehive of the ordinary.
Thanks for the reminder for us to be more intentional about the marriage act.
But what do you do when only one of you wants sexual intimacy and the other has no interest and pretty much says they don’t need it and don’t want to pursue it?
Great post. You have a wonderful way with words. But, most of the time you and other bloggers wisdom goes unnoticed; I think you are mostly preaching to the choir, albeit the portion of the choir that wishes it could sing on key.
I second the question of Anonymous above.
Also, is it wrong of me to sign my wife up for your newsletter without her consent?
All joking aside, I believe you have hit the nail right on the head, and wish this view of sexuality were proclaimed throughout the world.
Thanks for making me think about this in a different light.
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very helpful. need to learn up the marriage act some more…married for 7 yrs not su
re am getting sex right
Practice, practice, practice.
Positions, toys, acts–they all have their place.
Open mind, whole-hearted participation, enthusiasm–all go a long way to satisfaction.
Insufficient foreplay causes friction burns.
Focusing on orgasm too much will spoil the soup.
Loving, frank and honest communication will lead you to MAD (Mutually Assured Delightful) sex.
Dear Julie, maybe YOU are just extradinary and most women aren’t??? But, I read your posts and the message remains the same—-I am not extradinary I just try to put my sexlife with my DH on the front burner, not the rear. Yes you do! That DOES make you different because most people do not do that. You are DEAD RIGHT–there is plenty of time really for sex, romance and intimacy in most marriages. But one or the other spouse really does not believe how significant God’s plan for real love and affection is! We both work, there are children and grandchildren around, there are birthdays, soccer, ballet, midget league football, family functions etc etc. AND YET, I have carefully noted that there is ALWAYS AVAILABLE TIME FOR LOVE. So, for all of us who suffer from lack of affection–Julie is right—there REALLY IS TIME. One or the other spouse is not following God’s word. It is that simple. If there is disability, sickness or disease—that is an exception. But even then just being CLOSE TO EACH OTHER is usually not impossible. The lack of sexual intimacy is epidemic in both secular society and Christian society. It truly is very sad when all it takes is less than one hour in a day. I am tired of excuses. Some people marry “very lucky.”
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Hmmmm
I’m 5 months married and sad about my marriage’s sex life. She’s just not interested in sex through her attitude, it’s as if I’m making love to a doll. I’m beginning to lose taste. Even though she presently pregnant. Atleast I can’t see any effort from her to improve and that’s my major concern.
We have everything that was mentioned, he’s not cheating,he works outside,and inside the home im a house wife,I set up romantic time, and He say not to plan it just let it happen,im am sexually starving,6 yrs of marriage and he plays sick all year around he cries for attention,and I weep for love im miserable and He’s happy and content as long as we are together,it makes no sense to be lonely when you have a husband at home every night I would like it at least two or three times a week actually more but im being nice its like once a month or every two months and my love hasn’t ran out if love exsisted I would be happy theres no cuddling, no foreplay, no outings,no nasty talk,no showeing together, I feel like im his maid, allI do is make sure when he need something its in his reach, he say we lack communication but its because he wants to talk about networking and I want to talk about sex, im not interested in computers and he not interested in sex, I feel like a virgin all over again, I would settled for just foreplay if we did that cause the right foreplay can feel like love making because theirs bonding in it, I don’t believe in cheating but sometimes I do want to run away but id be giving up 80 percent looking for that 20 Im so confuse….SOMEBODY HELP
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Love making is a beautiful thing when it’s mutual. We can’t seem to think that one person should always start it. I’ve been married a year and sex was great at the beginning but now it feels as if he already had and tried dessert why should he again. I starve comletely of being sexually active. I don’t touch myself or search outside of marriage because honestly i think its the same anywhere with a man. As long as the relationship is new there’s sex and once it gets old well it stops. Unless your willing to change partners every three to six months. Which i don’t suggest. For me I’ll just go back into my shell and forget I ever existed.
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Girls changes it up a little ..don’t mean to sound raunchy but buy yourself stalkings, high heels, a couple of corsets, or even a French maid halloween costume. Let your hair down. You’re married to him but act as if you are dating him. Keep it interesting, wear a cowboy hat and tie him up. put a tie on his eyes and keep him guessing where you’ll kiss next. Read cosmopolitan, but don’t let him find your tricks. I really hope it helps. And Mrs Dee, just push him on the couch and take it. He will see a side of you he hasn’t and he will love it. Marriage has it’s up and down girls have faith and have hope.
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ViriD ~ great insights! So, we know men are visuals, & what would be the response of most wives should husbands purchase this lingerie for them or ask them to include same in their romance? Are wives likely or not to ‘dress for the bedroom’ and how do husbands lovingly ask for this? bp
same question as anonymous????
Sorry, Viri D, but that is terrible advice. Nearly every woman I know has done that at one point.
Every husband without exception reacted the same. They laughed at us. Mine added “Who are you trying to be?”
And then every single husband was surprised when each wife reacted the same – felt terribly embarrassed. I cried and locked myself in the bathroom. He got furious with me and told me to “grow up” and asked “What was I supposed to do? You look ridiculous.”
I will NEVER ever do it again.
yes. As if strip-tease and some pornographic costumes could build a marriage..
If the husband’s attitude is as described above – cold and demeaning towards his wife -, then no wonder she is wounded and feeling very insecure.
Men – grow up and begin to show genuine affection!
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I find it kinda odd that everyone says sex is SO important unless there is illness or injury. That marriage won’t work unless you have sex…. UNLESS you’re injured or ill. Then for some magical reason marriage can work without it. That’s hypocrisy. I don’t enjoy sex. Never have. First time sucked. Honeymoon nothing. I have three kids but none made from pleasure. I have tried dressing up, different positions, toys, foreplay and counseling. I would go as far to say as I hate sex. It is uncomfortable. Even asked my doctors and they say I am fine. So my marriage is doomed?!? And I am offended by Jude. Your wife’s hormones and body are drastically changing. Be glad you are getting anything. It’s hard to want sex when you feel a person kicking inside you! Shame on you. -bethany
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