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It’s the quickest way I can clarify my audience for this post. (You may be my audience. You may not. But I figure you’d like to know that within the first few paragraphs. I mean seriously, we’re all limited with time).
This post is not for you if you don’t like sex because your husband is basically a jerk. In a variety of ways, he makes sex less than appealing at best and downright intolerable at worse.
If you are a husband who is not a jerk, don’t worry — I’m not stereotyping. Stay with me.
It’s just that this is not my first rodeo and I know there are guys out there who have created the sexual problems in their marriages. They see nothing wrong with looking at porn or having affairs or belittling their wives or rarely taking a shower or being abusive. So on and so forth.
Maybe the wife has even pleaded with him to get help, but to no avail.
Needless to say, if as a wife this describes your situation, I understand why you have a difficult time cuddling up next to all that. You don’t like sex and you have totally figured out why. And while I do have other posts that speak into this, this particular post today is not for you.
Your guy isn’t a jerk.
In fact, you might say the opposite if asked by your gal friends or your neighbors or the random grocery store clerk. You’d willingly admit your man is the real deal. Good man. Good provider. Good dad. Romantic. Attentive.
And yet. Here you are.
Still not overly interested in sex with him.
It is a freakishly important question. Seriously, it is.
Because if you are willing to look closely at that question, unpack it in the most vulnerable of ways, get at the heart of your indifference and resistance, then there is much hope that you and your husband can build amazing intimacy together.
Because here’s the deal — great sex in a marriage is never just about great sex. Every married person who enjoys phenomenal sexual connection in their marriage will tell you this.
Nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage is particularly generous. Pay attention to it often and it will graciously open doors for you to an overall sense of “We are on the same team! Yeah us!”
If you do not like sex, you and your husband would benefit much if you can figure out why (and then do something about it, of course, but let’s first focus on the figuring out why).
Now I know that you may not like sex for serious reasons from your past (past abuse, a skewed message of sex doled out by adults who raised you, your own struggles with promiscuity or pornography use, etc.)
OR maybe you don’t like sex because you’re not experiencing much pleasure (possibly no pleasure), and you have been timid in clueing your husband in on this. Whenever you have sex, you’re bored out of your mind (and have a mess to clean up afterwards, with not an ounce of orgasmic “wow” to show for it all).
OR maybe there’s something wacky with your hormones or other physical issues and you don’t like sex because you have no drive or sex is painful. Sure, some physical challenges are more involved than others, but many physical issues impacting sex can be resolved or at least improved with the right professional care.
Anyway, I don’t know your reasons for not liking sex. BUT I would bet my last dollar that you have an inkling of what may be going on.
My heart cry to you, one wife to another, is to figure that out. Get real and humble with your man — you know, that guy you love and do life with — and say, “This is really hard for me to talk about. But I think I know why sex is a struggle for me.”
Then ask him to join you on the journey toward better sexual connection.
It’s not going to happen over night. But offer your heart and intention to it enough, and it will happen.
You’ll wake up on the other side of this sexual frustration and drought and you’ll both realize that you do have it in you to nurture amazing sexual intimacy in your marriage.
And you’ll be glad you figured out the why.
Like super glad. More glad than you are about all those Pinterest ideas and recipes on Tasty and TipHero.
Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.