Don’t Like Sex? Have You Figured Out Why?

I’m going to start with a disclaimer.

It’s the quickest way I can clarify my audience for this post.  (You may be my audience. You may not. But I figure you’d like to know that within the first few paragraphs.  I mean seriously, we’re all limited with time).

This post is not for you if you don’t like sex because your husband is basically a jerk.  In a variety of ways, he makes sex less than appealing at best and downright intolerable at worse.

If you are a husband who is not a jerk, don’t worry — I’m not stereotyping. Stay with me.

It’s just that this is not my first rodeo and I know there are guys out there who have created the sexual problems in their marriages. They see nothing wrong with looking at porn or having affairs or belittling their wives or rarely taking a shower or being abusive. So on and so forth.

Maybe the wife has even pleaded with him to get help, but to no avail.

Needless to say, if as a wife this describes your situation, I understand why you have a difficult time cuddling up next to all that. You don’t like sex and you have totally figured out why. And while I do have other posts that speak into this, this particular post today is not for you.

If, however, you are a wife who actually enjoys a fairly decent marriage, this post IS for you.

Your guy isn’t a jerk.

In fact, you might say the opposite if asked by your gal friends or your neighbors or the random grocery store clerk. You’d willingly admit your man is the real deal.  Good man.  Good provider.  Good dad. Romantic. Attentive.

And yet. Here you are.

Still not overly interested in sex with him.

Do you not like sex? Have you figured out why?

It is a freakishly important question. Seriously, it is.

Because if you are willing to look closely at that question, unpack it in the most vulnerable of ways, get at the heart of your indifference and resistance, then there is much hope that you and your husband can build amazing intimacy together.

And amazing sexual intimacy is worth it.

Because here’s the deal — great sex in a marriage is never just about great sex.  Every married person who enjoys phenomenal sexual connection in their marriage will tell you this.

Nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage is particularly generous. Pay attention to it often and it will graciously open doors for you to an overall sense of “We are on the same team! Yeah us!”

If you do not like sex, you and your husband would benefit much if you can figure out why (and then do something about it, of course, but let’s first focus on the figuring out why).

Now I know that you may not like sex for serious reasons from your past (past abuse, a skewed message of sex doled out by adults who raised you, your own struggles with promiscuity or pornography use, etc.)

OR maybe you don’t like sex because you’re not experiencing much pleasure (possibly no pleasure), and you have been timid in clueing your husband in on this.  Whenever you have sex, you’re bored out of your mind (and have a mess to clean up afterwards, with not an ounce of orgasmic “wow” to show for it all).

OR maybe there’s something wacky with your hormones or other physical issues and you don’t like sex because you have no drive or sex is painful. Sure, some physical challenges are more involved than others, but many physical issues impacting sex can be resolved or at least improved with the right professional care.

Anyway, I don’t know your reasons for not liking sex.  BUT I would bet my last dollar that you have an inkling of what may be going on.

You have an idea, right, of why you don’t like sex?

My heart cry to you, one wife to another, is to figure that out.  Get real and humble with your man — you know, that guy you love and do life with — and say, “This is really hard for me to talk about.  But I think I know why sex is a struggle for me.”

Then ask him to join you on the journey toward better sexual connection.

It’s not going to happen over night.  But offer your heart and intention to it enough, and it will happen.

You’ll wake up on the other side of this sexual frustration and drought and you’ll both realize that you do have it in you to nurture amazing sexual intimacy in your marriage.

And you’ll be glad you figured out the why.

Like super glad.  More glad than you are about all those Pinterest ideas and recipes on Tasty and TipHero.

Yes, more glad than all that.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

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55 thoughts on “Don’t Like Sex? Have You Figured Out Why?

  1. H says:

    I saved myself for marriage. My wife did not. Before we got married, she told me that she never enjoyed sex before but that she was sure it was just due to her young boyfriend’s inexperience. She seemed enthusiastic to work on enjoyable sex with me. Her enthusiasm ended once we got married and actually started the process. She still didn’t like it and only tolerated it about once a month or less. Our ‘newlywed’ phase never started. She has told me that sex is painful but is never open with her doctor about it. She refused to ask questions about it or try to find out what is wrong. She is content with just leaving things as is and not having sex much. I quit asking for it to avoid the constant rejection. Now we only ever have sex when her hormones tell her that she is in the mood. I have tried everything to get her to go to the doctor and find out what is wrong but she won’t go. So here I am, living a married but lonely and nearly celibate life, wondering what I was supposed to save myself for, regretting that I saved myself for nothing. Where is my reward for following the rules? Why do rule followers get punished while rule breakers get rewarded? My sister is going to have her first child this year. She is unmarried with no intention of getting married. She and her boyfriend intended to have a baby. I will likely never have children due to the lack of sex. My sister has scoffed at the rules her whole life and she will have a happy and fulfilled life far better than I will ever know. I’m just having a hard time understanding why I bothered depriving myself of happiness throughout my youth. Where is the benefit? I could have had a wild and crazy college experience so at least I would have fond memories. Instead, I passed on all those things because I believed what I had been taught. I believed that waiting for marriage would be rewarded with a passionate and fulfilling romance that included regular, frequent sexual intimacy. I feel like a gullible idiot. I’ll never get my youth back and now I’ll never know what true passionate​ intimacy feels like. For as long as we both shall live…. Till death do us part… Why did I bother? What was the point?

  2. Bethany Carlisle says:

    To H,
    I worry my husband shares your feelings. I did not save myself for marriage but my husband did. I thought maybe it was the guy I was with. But sure enough I got married and nothing changed. He enjoyed it but I didn’t. I was confused. I stopped having sex. I saw no point in cleaning up the after math for no wow factor reward. If it makes you feel better we just had our 3rd kid but we only have sex to make kids. Sad news is I have looked for help from sex stores and doctors and counselors. All see no reason for me to feel uncomfortable or just flat out not wowed. Most women don’t want to see help because that is admitting something is wrong with you. Even worse there is a chance that there is no help for you. That’s my boat. I just get told “sorry there’s nothing I can do.” Would be open to and would love to hear a solution to my kind of issue.

  3. H says:

    The difference is that you put in the effort to at least try and find out what the problem was. It may have been hard for you but you cared about your husband enough to try. I never held it against her for not waiting until marriage. Nobody is perfect and everyone has made some mistakes. The problem I have is that her refusal to even admit there is an issue and seek help is killing our marriage as well as my own will to live. I can’t even afford to divorce so now I’m just stuck living a lonely and depressing life with no hope of it ever changing. I won’t even get to have a family of my own. No children, no grandchildren, just a lifetime of emptiness. At least you and your husband have that and he has the knowledge that you cared about him enough to try.

  4. L says:

    I am so sorry. Hearing your story breaks my heart. You withheld from sin and will never know what you truly avoided by walking that path. God is good and is faithful. Don’t loss heart. No one is stuck in their thoughts. I saved myself for marriage and my husband did not. Porn addiction polluted our marriage- and I didn’t even know it was going on until 18 months in. I didn’t even know he had an addiction beforehand. I was so naive and confused and angry I didn’t get my “pure prince”. But God has redeemed us. After so much prayer and me walking in obedience and praying with a pure heart for my husband, God has heard my prayers. He is so incredibly different and loves me like I am all he has ever seen and known. All I’m saying is, God redeems and resorts what he enemy has taken. Satan lies and your wife is believing those lies. God can change her mind. Live your life for him, submitted to Him in devotion. He. Is. Good. He did not “do” this. Satan did.
    I really just wanted to let you know o am burdened for y’all and am praying for your wife. And for you. We are nearly married 13 years and it’s Aweosme. But lots of work. Forgive your wife for her selfishness and walk purely, even as she sins. God is good. I’m going to be praying for y’all a lot.

  5. Pingback: 4 Devastating Assumptions About Sex In Marriage | Intimacy in Marriage

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