passion, sexual intimacy
Sexual Intimacy Variety? Want Some?
I was at the convenience store the other day, getting my kid a slushie, when I glance over at the cappuccino machine and see Maple Bacon Cappuccino.
Maple Bacon Cappuccino.
If this isn’t variety gone awry, I’m not sure what is.
The thought that a marketing team in an office building far away threw the idea of Maple Bacon Cappuccino on the table is slightly disturbing.
The thought that people are now drinking it is even more puzzling.
We sure like our variety, don’t we?
We are a society that not only expects ample choices, we are numb to the sheer number of them at the same time.
Can you imagine what your grandfather would have thought about Maple Bacon Cappuccino at his local gas station? For that matter, can you fathom what he would have even thought about cappuccino?!
Coffee isn’t the only thing spilling over with an abundance of variety.
It seems there is a lot about variety within sexual intimacy that has become fairly mainstream.
So does variety really add anything to sexual intimacy in marriage?
I think it definitely can.
There are indeed married men and women who have grown weary of predictable boring marital sex.
Does this describe you? Predictable boring marital sex?
Have you talked to your spouse about variety?
I’m just saying that before you spring into action with some edible underwear, yet-tried position or bacon flavored body paint, it would be wise to broach the topic in an open discussion with your spouse.
It’s good to keep this in mind too:
As for what is permissible within sexual intimacy, my general guidelines are narrowed down to these…
Guideline Number 1: No third parties.
That means no one else actually there participating, no one watching, no one depicted (video or print) and no fantasies about anyone other than your spouse.
Please don’t try to convince me that a little porn in marriage is no big deal.
It is a big deal.
A big bad deal.
Attempts to bring third parties into your intimacy, even depicted third parties, chips away at the sacredness of exclusivity.
Guideline Number 2: No one is getting hurt.
Sex is meant to be a safe loving experience between a husband and a wife. If there is coercion or physical, emotional or spiritual abuse, those are big red flags.
How can anyone find sacredness and pleasure if their spouse is injuring them or demeaning them or demanding they perform certain sexual acts?
Some would say guidelines just throw limits around creativity and inhibit variety. But I think when a couple embarks on variety that meets those two criteria, then they actually have more freedom in their sexual intimacy.
They have freedom while feeling safe and secure in their marital bond. That is the best kind of freedom.
Sexual intimacy is designed to add a lot to a marriage, from being deeply emotionally bonding (as I wrote about in Why I Cried When We Made Love) to being enormously fun and lighthearted.
So what kind of variety is good variety?
Well, variety that adds something to the experience, but is not substituting for genuine connection.
Sex toys?
I’m fine with these, but not if they are relied upon exclusively and not if they are getting in the way of authentically understanding each other’s bodies.
(Sheila Gregoire does an excellent job addressing sex toys, among many other things, in her upcoming book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, which I will be reviewing very soon.)
Oral sex?
Sure, as long as it’s a complement in the sexual repertoire, not the one and only main event. (I’ve written about oral sex before here, here, here and most recently here).
Want to role play and do the whole “good cop / bad robber” thing?
Go for it.
Just as long as you can also still make love as your true selves and don’t use role playing as a facade to hide behind.
Edible underwear, tasty body paint, whipped cream?
Sure. Have at it. Might not want to leave that stuff laying around though. Keep it out of sight and out of reach of the kiddos, because that’s just awkward conversation material that your 5-year-old may choose to bring up (or out?!) at the neighborhood block party.
Want to try a different position?
If you’ve relegated your marital intimacy to missionary position only, then there is definitely other options that should be laid out on the table (pun intended).
I’ve written about positions before in my wildly-successful post, Hey, I’m A Housewife, Not a Gymnast.
I think wife on top is a good one to try if you are just out of the gate on the whole “different position” venture.
A very funny and kind friend of mine, who shall remain anonymous, did send me an absolutely hilarious book, “The Cookie Sutra,” which portrays a gingerbread couple in various sexual positions.
For purposes here, we’ll assume they are married cookies in a completely monogamous relationship.
After reading the entire book, I admit, I was aroused. And hungry.
Which brings me to food.
You can indeed incorporate food into your sexual play, because feeding each other can be incredibly sensual.
I’d lean toward sweet foods if possible, because sliced up deer sausage doesn’t ring with seduction, if you know what I mean.
I’d do sushi, though. My husband, sadly, is not a sushi fan, but would probably do the deer sausage. Go figure. Suffice to say, we don’t incorporate a lot of food.
Anyway, you get the point. Pick foods that add to the experience not detract from it.
Different location?
Want to get crazy in the treehouse or make love on the new sectional you just had delivered for the family room? More power to you.
I think couch sex can be totally hot, because, well… it affords a couple some angles and positions that aren’t as readily available in a bed.
If you are having sex in a location other than your bedroom, be wise about maintaining your exclusivity — make sure little ones (or anyone else for that matter) are not privy to viewing you.
If after reading all this you are wondering what God thinks of sexual intimacy variety in marriage, please remember that sex was God’s idea. Meant for good.
This is the God who came up with the orgasm, so I’m fairly certain He recognizes that you might want to explore various ways reaching it. This is the God who blessed us with multiple senses to heighten our sexual encounter with our spouse.
He’s such a nice generous God.
Now go offer up one of the best forms of worship in a marriage and have fun making love with your spouse.
It’s a way better choice than drinking a Maple Bacon Cappuccino.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Although it wasn’t speaking directly to intimacy, I love the truth of this post echoed in an episode of The Dick van Dyke Show. Toward the end of “The Man from Emperor” (Season 4, Episode 5) Rob makes the following statement defending his marriage with his wife Laura:
“Marriage, like a lot of other things, has boundaries. And to some guys, those boundaries represent walls, and that makes marriage a prison to them. But to other guys, those boundaries hold everything that’s good and fun in life.”
Ohhh Greg… I love that quote!! Thanks for stopping by so often and making comments. It really adds to the dialogue.
In Christ, Julie
Mmmm…bacon…everything can be made better with bacon…and now even sexual intimacy! Who’da thunk it!?
🙂
Fun post. I may have to check out the cookie sutra. Ha!
Gross coffee! It’s like having your entire breakfast all mixed up. I like the idea of adding variety to sex though.
Great post Julie! My wife (of 8 years) and I were having an open conversion about this very thing the other week. We both agreed that our intimacy had become way too predictable and boring. We even came up with an acronym for our s?x life :
L ights Off
A fter the kids are asleep
M issionary Only
E xtremely Hurried
We laughed that we had fallen into having a LAME s?x life! It’s sort of funny, and sort of not. However, at least we have acknowledged the pattern, and are working towards changing things up a bit.
We woke up a littler early this past Monday morning, and let’s just say, we started working on a different acronym!
Keep up the great work you are doing here.
Hey David… love your comment! THanks for taking the time to stop by and share! And I’m thrilled you and your beloved are on the path to more variety!
Hey Sexy Christian Wife… thanks for commenting! I am wondering if you are open to guest blogging on my site. I went to your website, but couldn’t find contact info.
I have a question about the role play idea. This is something I very much want to explore but am having trouble figuring out how to do it without crossing into a “third party” fantasy scenario. Even what you mentioned about cop/robber scenario would generally imply it’s not a married couple. How do you handle this? I don’t think I would have a problem with it but I imagine my wife would not want to be pretending to be having sex with someone she’s not married to.
That Cookie Sutra is a hoot! (And I’m sure that they are Mr. & Mrs. Gingerbread.) Love this post. The other day, I actually said to my hubby, “Variety is the spice of wife.”
Hey RandomDH — thank you for the comment/question.
I think you bring up a good observation.
If a couple wants to incorporate role play into their lovemaking, I think it would be best if the husband and wife are acting out those roles, but still as husband and wife. So, in the example of the cop and robber… it wouldn’t be that there would be fantasizing about other people, but simply embracing your spouse as if they are the person in the role.
Does that make sense? So, back to the cop and robber example. If my husband and I are doing this… and my husband is the “cop”… I’m simply responding to him accordingly, I’m not fantasizing about someone else as the cop.
If you and your wife can talk about it and are comfortable embracing it as a fun creative lovemaking activity, then I think that’s the key point — you both are comfortable with it and just having fun. You aren’t taking it too literal and visualizing each other as other people.
Hope that’s helpful…
“Edible underwear, tasty body paint, whipped cream? … Might not want to leave that stuff laying around though”
LOL! Better not leave the chocolate body paint in the fridge either – in case you forget about it and it is discovered by friends invited over for a barbecue – as good friends of mine learned! 🙂
No matter how strong the friendship is – good friends don’t let friends imagine what they get up to in the bedroom. [Chuckles to self].
LOL! Married cookies in a completely monogamous relationship! That’s too funny!!
I really enjoyed your post! I think it’s very well-written. 😀 I would like to write about such topics for Christian women someday, but I’m just in the reading phase now, gathering ideas on how to discuss the topic without shocking the pants off of anyone. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Variety is fun, very fun! I did a striptease for my hubby last night, he has always wanted me to. We have been together since high school, 19 years. He said I had some mad skills! I also got some love coupons and a card game with dice…pg13 stuff, we’ll have to modify them a bit 😉
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Thank you, Thank you, and Thank you again. Glad that some voices in the Church speak out !
Its just like icecream, so many flavours, why eat only vanilla?
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