Unspoken Love Isn’t Always Enough

Lately my husband and I have felt exhausted.

Ever been there?  Sheer exhaustion.

I wish I could say it was just lack of sleep.

Or better yet — that it was exhaustion from an extraordinary amount of sex. (That’s the best kind of exhaustion, and I’m grateful that in many times in our marriage, we find ourselves in that place.)

But really our exhaustion lately is because our life feels heavy.  Not our relationship.  Our life.

But hey, we aren’t unlike many of you out there reading this.

You make sure there’s milk in the fridge. You tame the calendar… and the paperwork (neither of which you feel you do even marginally well).

You survive homework battles.  You pay bills (or decide which bills actually can be paid).  You throw in loads of laundry, only to have it all reappear dirty within what seems like less than 12 hours.

You head off to a career that maybe doesn’t look like you envisioned it would when you were 25 (and doesn’t even remotely resemble how your college advisor glowingly described it).

Your car looks like a family of squirrels has has been living in it for weeks.  Your dog’s feet are muddy, so consequently your house regularly has that hunting cabin feel to it.

You bake cupcakes (or buy them).  You search for lost stuffed animals. And lost receipts.

You stare into the freezer — and see various packages of meat you should have defrosted for dinner, which apparently everyone wants in the next 25 minutes.  Go figure.

You drive to soccer.  You drive to dance. You drive to the grocery store. You drive to pick up girl scout cookies. You drive, drive, drive.

One section of your kitchen counter exists somewhere under an array of paper, permission slips and coupons, all arranged in some weird system that you are certain you understand.

And in the midst of all the details of your life — or, if we are brutally honest, shoved to the side of all the details — is your marriage.

You know, the person you stood with at the altar, when you both were better rested and definitely better dressed?  Remember that person?

And it’s not like it’s a question of if you love each other, because you do.

But it’s all you both can do to just keep your heads above water, let alone rock things out in the bedroom every other night.

I get it.

So let’s return to basics for a minute.

Let’s take a breath.

When was the last time you genuinely expressed to your spouse what they mean to you?

Each time I hear the song Remind Me Who I Am by Jason Gray, it makes me think of the hunger within a marriage to know that our spouse deeply loves us. (If you haven’t already, you should snag this song and plop it down on your “best list” on your iPod. That’s where it lives on my iPod).

I understand that the song’s intended meaning is about the love that the Lord has for each of His children. (Awesome video, by the way).

The words, though, resonate with a raw need to be known. And I think that feeling certainly exists within marriage — always, but especially when life is exhausting. Heavy.

Unspoken love isn’t always enough.  Sure, we know that our spouse isn’t going anywhere, but what we long for is to be held and reminded and told of that truth.

As you read the words to the song, do you sense what it possibly reveals in your own marriage…

When I lose my way, and I forget my name, remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see, is who I don’t want to be.  Remind me who I am.

In the loneliest places, when I can’t remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to you…who I am to you.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you…that I belong to you…to you.

When my heart is like a stone and I’m running far from home, remind me who I am.

When I can’t receive the love, afraid I’ll never be enough, remind me who I am.

If I’m your beloved, can you help me believe it.

Tell me once again who I am to you…who I am to you.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you…that I belong to you…to you..

I’m the one you love.
I’m the one you love.
That will be enough.
I’m the one you love.

Tell me once again who I am to you…who I am to you.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you. That I belong to you.

Such a beautiful song.

I know that everyone’s love language isn’t words of affirmation.  Even so, such affirmation within a marriage really can be powerful.

Sometimes we do need to be reminded by the very person who is in the sea with us that the crushing exhaustion or discouragement is not ours to bear alone.

Does your spouse need to be reminded of your love?

Some things can go unsaid.

Plenty can’t.

Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

Song by Jason Gray, (C) 2011 Centricity Music

7 thoughts on “Unspoken Love Isn’t Always Enough

  1. Robert says:

    There’s a note taped up inside my closet where I see it every day. It’s from a Generous Husband post from a good while back. It says “tell her the good stuff often.”

    Same idea – we need to be lavish in our use of “I love you.”
    I’m still working on that.

    My bride is upstairs asleep. Think I’ll go write three little words on the bathroom mirror so she’ll see them when wakes up in a bit.

    Great post Julie – and, loved the song too.

  2. Kent says:

    Julie, once again, you have knocked it out of the park with this great article encouraging us all to make sure we are active and consistent with reminding our spouse that we love them and care about them, and very much need them in our life. I love your song recommendation as well, and will have it on my top list of songs I listen to. Thanks for taking the time to post this, and share your wonderful insights into how to make a marriage work.

  3. Roberto says:

    Thank you for a needed refresh in how we need look at our spouses. far more often that we do now.
    We all are frazzled and out of breath, almost all the time, and must not forget to stop, look at each other, lock the bedroom door, and for at least 30, priceless minutes, get lost into the sheet of a blissful marital bed and into each other’s arms. Got to go now. Time to head for the hardware store, and get busy repairing that lock on the bedroom door, for good.

  4. donotdisturb blog says:

    How true. It is way to easy to let things slip when it comes to the person who is most important in our life. Great reminder that God has given us a gift by fulfilling our need for companionship through the gift of marriage. Thanks for sharing.


  5. Heather says:

    First, I love Jason Gray (saw him in concert in November)! What a sweet, humble guy. I never connected the words to that song with marriage, but wow! It fits! This is actually a topic connected to what God’s put on my heart this week and what I’ll be writing about next month on my blog! We need to show our husbands that we love them every day!

  6. Robyn Gibson says:

    This was a great post and it got me to thinking. Sometimes I’m in the spot where I need to be, “reminded of who I am.” And sometimes it’s Darrell who needs to be reminded of, “who he is to me.” Life is full and sometimes it’s fuller than full; it can just be too much. We need to take our step backwards and trust our other half to catch us … with their heart.

    That’s one of the things I love about this thing called marriage. It truly is a complementary endeavour.

    Thank you Julie, for bringing this artist to my attention. His lyrics are powerful.

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