A reader recently contacted me wanting to share some observations she’d made while having an affair with a married man.
Before I go there, though, I want to get in front of any push back I may get about this post.
I’m not condoning infidelity. I am simply passing along observations. To be completely vulnerable, I don’t find these the least bit surprising, having gone through a divorce in my early 30s.
Knowing what I know now, with more life, experience and awareness beneath me, I understand better why my first husband’s heart, head and body were turning toward another woman. I don’t excuse it; but I understand it better. Those two things can be true at the same time. I can look back at the loss of my first marriage and see threads of what the reader who reached out to me shared.
And please know I am not naive or insensitive to the reality that every marriage is unique.
Sometimes a wife does all the things I am about to share and her husband is the one downplaying or sabotaging sexual intimacy. If that describes your marriage, please visit my page Wives Who Want More Sex and Aren’t Getting It.
All the things this woman shared with me could be flipped around and reworded to reflect similar misgivings and struggles a sexually-neglected wife may be feeling.
So what did the woman who reached out to me want to share? Keep reading to find out. I am grateful for her authentic vulnerability about the messiness of life. Life is so messy. What she divulged with me doesn’t apply to every marriage, but it definitely will resonate with some.
This is one woman’s story. Maybe you can relate to her. Or maybe you can learn from her.
3 Things the Other Woman Wants You to Know About Your Husband and Sex
1. He desires you initiate
There’s just something about being wanted sexually. I’ve heard from countless husbands who would echo what this woman told me. Husbands don’t want to be the only one initiating sex. The man she was with was turned on by her hunger to be with him. He was turned on by her initiation.
If the pattern in your marriage is that your husband does all the initiating, then changing this dynamic may feel uncomfortable. Want some ideas? Check out my post 5 Great Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Husband.
There’s nothing in marriage that mandates only the husband initiate sex; yet this happens in countless marriages, often in a presumptive or unspoken way. It engrains a lopsided dynamic that is challenging to untangle. And it can fuel doubt in a husband’s mind about whether his wife genuinely desires him sexually.
There’s a lot at stake if only the husband initiates. As a wife, do you share some of that responsibility and privilege as well?
2. He desires you pay attention to him sexually
A long time ago, I wrote a post titled Do You “Accommodate” Your Husband’s Desire for Sex, but Never Really Show Up? Not surprisingly, that post got a bit of traffic.
It takes effort to keep paying attention to each other sexually in a marriage. When this kind of intentionality starts to wane, the marriage suffers.
Again, I’m not naive. There are responsibilities and tasks inherent with marriage that can start to consume a couple, to the point that paying attention to sex can feel like “one more thing.” Maybe it is both the husband and wife who feel this way, but more often than not, it’s one spouse. And that fuels more sexual divide rather than more sexual intimacy.
So it’s a good question to unpack. Am I paying attention to my spouse sexually or am I going through the motions?
3. He desires sexual adventure
Before you start thinking that sexual adventure means anything goes, that’s not what she was saying. And it certainly wouldn’t be what I would say. But if sex in your marriage has become infrequent and predictable, a little variety and infusion of fun can do wonders.
I’ve written about sexual variety, particularly the post Bacon, Sex and Embracing Sexual Variety. What in the World?! Sex in a marriage does not have to be predictable every single time. There’s a lot to be said for some spontaneity and thinking outside the box (or outside the bedroom).
Before you are quick to remind me that this woman was sharing about her experience of sleeping with someone else’s husband, let’s all take a collective breath.
You can not like what she did and still glean from her observations. Who among us hasn’t fallen down in thought, word or deed—and felt grateful for safe haven to shed light on that?
We all have a story.
We all need safe sounding boards.
I imagine there are some husbands reading this post and nodding in agreement with what my reader shared. They possibly would never have an affair, but the above three things would still ring true for them. I hear from husbands more frequently than I hear from wives, and just like the woman reader opened up to me, so do the husbands who reach out.
For more observations along those lines, check out my post What Husbands Tell Me They Want in Bed.
And for even more reading, you can cruise through my list of past posts, as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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5 thoughts on “3 Things the Other Woman Wants You to Know About Your Husband and Sex”
Something the other woman in my life would add to the list: “Your husband desires you. He tells me how much he wants you so passionately. How much you turn him on. He hates that he had to turn to me to fulfill his sexual needs. He absolutely hates it and would not be having an affair with me if you would just change your attitude about sex.”
Number one is very true! My wife has initiated sex once in 40+ years of marriage. When I asked her years ago, her reply was “it just feels uncomfortable initiating sex”. It makes me feel like a beggar when I initiate sex with her…
AMEN to the above two comments!
Growing in relationship always requires a “two way street”. When it’s simply a one way affair the relationship cannot grow. I’m not just referring to sex but to every aspect of life. The early years of our marriage were often a one way affair and I was the guilty culprit. This was simply because I didn’t know how to grow in intimacy, how to share those things deep within me. Years of building a wall around me to protect myself was now wrecking havoc in my marriage.
Often I felt misunderstood, not listened too or unimportant but these emotions/feelings were simply a byproduct of me not knowing how to open up to my wife and share personally with her. I had simply believed a lie that my could not/would not be able to understand me, accept me and love me with all my mess, pain and heart ache.
Then one day, while I was away at a leadership training event (I was a church planter at this time – go figure!!) when I began an emotional affair with another participant. I reasoned to myself, this woman likes to listen to me, my wife doesn’t! This woman like to talk with me, my wife doesn’t! We can talk for hours and never have an argument, I can’t with my wife! And so on… After going out for a walk with this woman late one afternoon we held hands. As we came back to the training facility I kissed her goodnight on the cheek went to my room and wept and wept and wept. I knew I had crossed the line!
I went home and confessed to my wife, repenting and asking her for forgiveness. Her reply was: “Honey, I forgive you. I love you and I want to make this marriage work!” That began the long journey of my healing and restoration and thus the healing of my marriage and relationship with my wife.
Today is a completely different story to those early years of our marriage.
It happens so subtly and usually starts with a lie that we believe about ourselves and/or our spouse.
i always enjoy your posts thanks for the good reads