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Early in our marriage, my husband worked a 4 p.m. to Midnight shift. You can imagine what this did to our life overall and to our sexual intimacy specifically.
We also had a toddler at the time, so even though my husband had some awake hours during the day before he headed to work, our young son wasn’t always cooperative in the nap department.
Randy and I had to get creative if we were ever going to have sex!
So we devised a plan that if I was open to him waking me up to make love when he came home from work, I would leave a bolt standing upright on the counter. Real subtle, right?! Our own little bat signal for getting crazy beneath the sheets. Our own little decoder ring, so to speak.
He has had a day schedule for several years now, so we are far removed from having to use the bolt. That toddler boy of ours is just a few years away from being an adult. Hard to believe how time passes. Even so, we still laugh about the bolt, secretly giddy about something that is a blissful part of our sexual story.
It sure was a fun way to initiate sex back in the day.
Not surprisingly, I hear from plenty of husbands who tell me how much they wish their wives would initiate sex more. I touched upon this a little bit in the post 5 Signs Your Husband May Be in a Sexual Desert. There’s just something about being desired. “I want you to want me” is a raw and sincere plea. Sometimes spoken. And sometimes not.
When it comes to expressing sexual desire for your husband, what does that look like in your marriage? Maybe the below ideas will spark some creativity for you. You honor God and your covenant greatly when you both share in the responsibility and privilege of initiating sex.
So many possibilities here gals! You can come right out and say you would like to have sex. Some husbands find a direct initiation incredibly sexy.
Of course, you also can be more subtle, either with the words you use or how you say them, such as whispering them in his ear.
A husband and wife may have innocuous words that don’t have anything to do with sex, unless of course the two of them use them! Some couples use code words out of sheer necessity to keep the dialogue G-rated for the little ones within earshot.
No matter how you use your voice to initiate sex, key is to have a positive genuine tone. If the offer rings hollow, he will know you aren’t playing for reals. And Lord knows, he wants you playing for reals!
You don’t need to compose a sonnet or have mad skills in calligraphy. A Sharpie and a well-placed sticky note will do!
Or maybe a card he finds when he opens up his computer case or his sack lunch. And, of course, a sexy text can do the trick (double check before you hit send that it is indeed going to him!)
There are great opportunities to be romantic or funny or charming or erotic with your written words. You know your man. What are the written words that are going to get him excited? You know, zany-as-a-little-boy-on-Christmas-morning excited! Whatever words will get him that excited, use those words.
Originally I had “with your hands” as #3. But why should we limit it to your hands?
I mean, don’t get me wrong…you can do a lot with your hands to express you want sex. A loving stroke of his penis while he is still clothed or running your finger nails through his hair—these may be just the kind of signals to get him thinking what you’re thinking.
But you also could use your mouth to passionately kiss him.
Or you could use your breasts.
Or you could lovingly surprise him by joining him in the shower.
Or you could ask him to undress you.
So many creative ways to use your body to show the man you married that you deeply desire to be naked with him. Many husbands are visual, so just seeing their wife’s body can be such a huge turn on.
Think of ways you can use your body to show your husband you want him sexually.
If one of the love languages that particularly speaks to your husband is gifts, then small tokens of love may be an ideal way for you to initiate sex.
It can be as simple as a candy bar with a clever note attached… “Maybe this will tide you over until I can satisfy you later!”
Or how about a bottle of lubricant or a negligee for yourself, wrapped up and placed on the driver seat of his car with a sweet note that says, “I hope you don’t have other plans tonight!”
Or maybe two tickets to a favorite musical group or sporting event—with the promise of sex at the end of the evening.
Brainstorm ways you could use tokens of love to show your husband he rocks your world when it comes to sex!
Researchers have diligently studied whether scents released from our bodies act as accelerants to sexual desire. Can we be aroused by someone’s scent? Some studies suggest that when a woman is ovulating, her body emits subtle scents that pique a man’s sexual interest.
This is the study of pheromones.
The extent to which this natural phenomenon is at play in your sexual connection may be up for debate, but that doesn’t mean scent can’t play a role in sexual initiation. You can create your own olfactory oasis!
Is there a perfume you wear that drives your husband wild in a good way? I remember my husband buying me a perfume that really revved up his desire for sex. Even though I personally have never loved the perfume per se, I absolutely and enthusiastically love what it does for us sexually!
If there’s a perfume or a lotion that you know makes him crave you sexually, consider wearing this as a way to express you want to make love. Go one step further and reserve it for initiating. It always will hold a special meaning for the two of you, as he will associate that smell with passionate sexual oneness with you.
My encouragement to you is to never stop learning about your husband and what he finds sexually arousing. The more you learn, the more you will be able to taylor your initiation skills in ways that appeal to him and show him how deeply you love him.
It’s so affirming to be desired, and if your husband is like most, he wants you to desire him sexually! Be intentional and have fun with this, and I am confident sex in your marriage will be more and more enjoyable for you both!
And I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.