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That’s the reaction a headline like that probably elicits, right? No one is born knowing how to have great sex.
But isn’t it interesting that not knowing brings such crushing anxiety and apprehension?
Guys probably feel more of this pressure, because somewhere along the way, we collectively as the human race seem to have been sucked in to that myth as well. Not only should a man intuitively know what he is doing sexually, but he definitely should know way more than a woman knows.
These fallacies and mirages and unrealistic expectations don’t die easily. We start dragging them around in our teen years, letting them spiral and build and gain momentum. As we move more into adulthood, everything seems to fuel these grand illusions of having to be great at sex right out of the gate.
Banter and innuendo from friends.
Love scenes in movies.
Braggy comments from people who seem way cooler than us.
Simplistic reassurance from mentors. “You’ll know what to do. It will come naturally.”
We just can’t seem to shake ourselves loose from this idea that we should know way more about sex by the time we have it. (Even though deep down we know the truth. We know there’s so much we don’t know).
Not only do we think we should know way more than we do before we’ve had sex the first time, but we also think we should know way more after we’ve had a few sexual experiences or if we’ve had sex with various partners before we marry.
You know what?
The truth is that great sex is a learned behavior, not unlike the myriad of other things we learn in life. Ice skating. Driving. Playing poker. Cooking. Riding a bike. Doing taxes. Gardening. Painting. Changing oil in a car. Throwing a baseball. Negotiating a contract. Asking for a raise. Debating.
Everything in life we learn through trial and error; through practice; through adjusting and trying again.
Learning how to give and receive pleasure.
Learning the idiosyncrasies of touch.
Learning our spouse’s moods, reactions and desires.
Learning each other’s bodies.
Learning over years; not merely days or weeks or months.
Learning as true partners through many seasons; not merely as honeymooners starting out.
Learning how to give and receive feedback.
Learning to be sexually vulnerable.
Learning. Learning. Learning.
No one is born knowing how to have great sex. No one.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.