Don’t Tease. Unless You Will Follow Through.

Posted on Thursday, March 18th, 2010

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Here's the deal ladies... men don't like to be teased sexually.

It may seem like lighthearted fun to you, but if you are arousing your husband sexually -- and aren't willing to follow through -- this is annoying him.

Maybe even frustrating him.  Possibly even compelling him to question how much you truly desire him.

I don't know your husband, so obviously I could be wrong.  But I'm guessing I'm right.

Ask 100 men if they find it "fun" when their wives tease them sexually without any legitimate intention to really have sex, and I would be willing to bet all or nearly all of them will answer with a definitive "no" -- they do not find this humorous at all.  (Don't take my word for it, though.  Ask your husband for his opinion on this).

Now, on the other hand, if you are playfully teasing him sexually and you both consider this some of the best foreplay, then by all means -- tease to your heart's delight!  Just make sure you are being authentic.

There's nothing better than expression of genuine desire for the lover you married.    Be a tease -- one who is 100% serious about following through on her playful suggestions.

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26 Responses to
“Don’t Tease. Unless You Will Follow Through.”

  • Paul Byerly says: March 20th, 2010 at 11:21 am


    Great tip! Teasing is great as foreplay, but if there is no follow through it's very frustrating, and it makes us feel abused. If it happens often, it looks like a deliberate attempt to hurt us.

    BTW, I know some women tease with every intention of following through, but then "something comes up". You can get a pass on that about one time in twenty.


  • admin says: March 20th, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    Thanks Paul! Thank you especially for the additional insight that teasing can even leave soemone feeling abused and hurt. So true. Also, I think I will do an additional blog as a follow-up regarding your point that some wives tease with the intention of following through, but "something comes up" and they don't follow through.

  • Scott says: March 21st, 2010 at 11:18 am

    I love to be teased, but only if there is intent to follow through. Use playful texts, notes, comments and touches to tease, but only if you mean to stoke the fires of passion toward an intimate end.

    I have a related question: does teasing do anything for most women, whether you are on the giving or receving end.

  • JulieSibert says: March 21st, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Thanks for the comment Scott! You echo what I think most husbands would say... "don't tease unless you are going to follow it up with some action!" As for your related question, I am not sure what most women would say about teasing (giving or receiving). Great question though. I think the healthier a couple's sexual intimacy is, the more they understand what turns each other on. This is why communication is the hottest aphrodisiac...a husband and wife need to ask each other what each finds arousing. Arousal is so unique...what turns one person on wouldn't do a thing for someone else. You've got me thinking... I do think I'll ask the women I know what they think about teasing! Thanks again! I appreciate it...

  • JT says: March 21st, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    Scott, as a woman who has been teased w/o follow through I'll say NO we don't like it either!

  • Intimacy in Marriage » Blog Archive » Why the Hungry Hippo Box Reminds Me About Sex says: March 22nd, 2010 at 11:12 am

    [...] Wife.)  Paul has made some great comments on some of my posts, including my recent post about teasing.  Thank you Paul!   Another comment on that post, from Scott, asks if women like to be sexually [...]

  • landschooner says: March 23rd, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    One day, I think it was last year, my wife opened up the shower door and gave me a sexually suggestive "look-over" up and down. She was being sexually "playful". I gave her a weak smile and closed the shower door. I think she thinks she was being fun and "sexy" which is what I've been wanting right? the thing is, I knew for a FACT, that actual sex was nowhere on her radar. Could be weeks before she'd actually consent to having sex with me. Yes, she was trying to do "something" and I mentally give her that, but the experience of it was very painful. You see, she COULD have done more than look. There was nothing preventing it. If I had initiated at that point, I KNOW I would have been turned down, with a smile, (she likes that I desire her) but turned down nonetheless. Her well intentioned "tease" was experienced as a sexual taunt. I'm trying to encourage my wife to be more sexual, so how can I criticize even the smallest of effort? I can't. It wouldn't mean that she'd tease and then follow through, it would mean that she wouldn't tease at all AND she'd rebuff or refrain even longer. On my drive in to work I just prayed and wept.

    so, yeah, if you tease, please follow through. I know it isn't meant to be mean, but it is experienced as cruelty if you don't.


  • JulieSibert says: March 23rd, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    Thank you LS for the honest comment. I think you speak so genuinely about the pain that results from a sexual taunt...and the fact that many men will not reveal publicly or even to their wives how deep this pain is. No doubt you are not the only man who has wept about this. Possibly there is a compassionate way to share with your wife in an honest respectful tone at a later moment that her "look over" is painful when it does not lead to sexual intimacy. Even if sex doesn't happen in that moment, it is reasonable to expect that a "look over" means sex is on the near horizon. I talk with many women who are very unaware of the ways they are wounding their husbands. Only open dialogue is going to get to the heart of healing and nurturing great sex.

  • landschooner says: March 23rd, 2010 at 11:59 pm

    Comment in Reply to Scott and JT. Actually, romantic and sexual teasing w/o follow through is exactly what my wife likes. My interpretation is that it reinforces to her the fact that she is desirable and attractive to her husband but that ACTUALLY having sex is too time consuming and involves too much effort when there are so many other things that are more pressing. She has actually said, "We can always do THAT, but we can only do THIS now." Fill in the blank on THIS. There is always a good reason NOT to have sex. there is. If it isn't a priority to you, than by definition other things will have a higher priority. There is ALWAYS something more pressing that needs to be done. There is another post on this site that is titled "Are You Making Cupcakes Instead of Making Love?" yes, that's exactly it. Cupcakes or cookies that need to be made TONIGHT. TV shows that must be watched TONIGHT. We can have sex any old time. It's like she thinks we will live forever. We will! But we won't be married then. We only have now. This is it and the years are falling through our fingers so fast. My friends and family who are with the Lord NOW can attest to the brevity of life. I have siblings that have grandchildren and I've yet to actually have what I would call a sex life with my wife. But she's right....these cookies for the youth group fundraiser won't bake themselves. I can hear women say "So help her bake. Sex starts in the kitchen!" No it doesn't. Not in this house anyway. The only sexual longing I actually think she has is to BE desired. That's IT for her. That's the TOP. Nothing is better. To BE desirable. She KNOWs I love and desire her. Therefore her tank is full. She has never seemed to be able to understand that her telling me that she desires me, without any follow through, gives lie to her words. (Faith without works is dead. "Be warm and be filled") I've heard "I desire you" regularly for YEARS. Her words mean nothing to me. Just so much air. I suppose saying it is effort. kudos for that I suppose.

    She actually playfully talks about me chasing her around the table with my cane when we are old. She loves being desired by me. Funny that she can't understand that her expression of desire for me without desiring sex isn't desire. Not in any form that I can understand it anyway. Its meaningless. Even if it were true, that she does desire me even though she almost never wants to have sex, what good is that? I don't want adoration. I want to have a sex with my wife.

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  • Greg says: August 12th, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    After reading all your comments it would appear i am in the minority but this comes as no surprise to me!!
    I'm a married man, and my wife and i are deeply in love and have what i would describe as a wonderfully passionate sex life. This to a great part is because of teasing love play.
    What i am about to write most of you will ponder over, even maybe be perplexed by, but what i would say is please read all, and think deeply and even as i did look at discussing and trying it for yourselves as you may be greatly surprised!!

    I read an article a couple of years ago that long story short said many women would like to fondle - caress - play with their husbands/partners intimately but due to the fact that men 'expected' full sex after being touched intimately in any way deterred them from doing so. The man who wrote the article went on to say that once he told his wife she could touch him, tease him, fondle him in any way she pleased and that he would not be 'expecting' full on sex afterward, he found his wife couldn't take her hands off him!!
    On reading this article i spoke with my wife about it, and she agreed that if she thought that fondling - caressing me intimately would not have to lead to full sex she would desire touching me more.
    I said that she could touch, fondle, caress me as much as she liked, and i found my wife doing so almost at any opportunity. She became a real hot teaser, confessing she really loved to tease, and because i love her i allowed her to tease me as much as she liked.
    She so enjoyed teasing me that she told me that not only was she going to tease me, but i was not to go off and have any sneaky wanks. She became very empowered by her new role, now commanding also my every climax!!
    Our love play got hotter and hotter as each month went by, because for me all the teasing made love making so so intense. This was entirely due to the fact that now my sole sexual relief was with her, and that all the teasing was increasing my sexual desire and physical potency. This was not easy guys, believe me the desire for relief when pent is very strong!! Strangely after a while on the odd occasion when temptation got too much after ‘wasting’ valuable fluids personal feeling and love making wasn’t as euphoric. This in it’s self generates a desire within me to save myself, and allow my wife to tease me till her hearts content!!

  • Vince delmonte says: September 4th, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    Excellent story, bookmarked the blog for interest to read more information!

  • Can Sexual Tension Be a Good Thing? | Intimacy in Marriage says: February 8th, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    [...] offers allure, anticipation and promise of oneness yet to come.   But as I referenced in my post Don’t Tease Unless You Plan to Follow Through, if you build sexual tension with no intention of actually having sex, it’s like building a [...]

  • Robert says: February 28th, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    My experience is something like Greg's.

    This is a game that my wife & I discovered by accident some time ago. I found that I enjoyed her teasing me quite a bit - provided I am confident that she will willingly and joyfully make love to me in the near future.

    But, this is a game that requires a great deal of intimacy and trust between us. When our sexual relationship has been "off" or when my sweet wife has been struggling with perimenopause and hates the world, this is not a game I can play.

    For me, it is the buildup and anticipation. It is a way to be sexually intimate at a time when sex is not going to happen. My need or drive is more pressing then hers, and I um.... you know, take matters into my own hands. Her teasing me, makes her part of the act. I ask her permission, and sometimes she teases me and tells me to go right ahead, sending me off to bed after five minutes of serious kissing. Some times she teases me and tells me I'm not allowed and have to save myself for her in a night or two. Who could resist that kind invitation from the love of his life? I would very much rather save that sexual energy to give to her. Why waste that energy in a solitary act that brings no real joy or satisfaction, merely somewhat blunting the edge of the hunger but not meeting the real need for deep intimacy.

    I think too, that this works for her because it gives her permission to be sexually intimate with when she is not prepared to have sex. She can say no to intercourse, without having to say no to me. She can say no to intercourse, yet say yes to being sexually intimate with me in a way that I enjoy very much.

    Our version of this game drifts in the direction of dominance and submission. I beg for permission to climax, she makes me wait. She reminds me that I will have a terrible case of "blueballs" unless I am very, very good at pleasing her orally. Fortunately, my performance always seems to measure up, just barely. I let her be in control and tease me about being in control. No whips and chains, no black leather boots. Just lots and lots of teasing. All good fun, that frequently involves smiles and laughter at the cheesy things we say to each other.

    Works for us.

  • Kelly says: April 12th, 2011 at 11:42 pm

    I don't know why it's only men complaining on this site. My husband is this way. Every day flirting, touching, acting like he wants me. I try to take it further, and bam he's "tired" or some other excuse. It is the most frustrating thing, and makes this marriage very very difficult for me. I get rejected at least 90% of the time, probably more often, but he still teases me close to daily... and we are in our 20's. I can't figure this man out.

  • The 5 Cheapest Ways to Turn Your Husband On | Intimacy in Marriage says: July 13th, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    [...] If none of the above sound like they’d really do it for your husband, cruise through this post I wrote awhile back about how to turn on your husband. (And I hope this is obvious, but don’t tease him — unless you plan to follow through). [...]

  • So Annoyed!!! says: December 28th, 2011 at 1:58 am

    Ok so it's all well and good to not tease your husband unless you don't follow through, but what kind of advice do you have for men who tease their wife and don't follow through? Such a double standard! I love my husband very much, but I'm wondering if it's even worth it anymore. I've been devoted and loving to him, but I'm slowly becoming bitter and fat from feeding my emotions...

  • How to Get an A+ in Foreplay | Intimacy in Marriage says: October 4th, 2012 at 6:23 am

    [...] That was kind of the message behind my post Don’t Tease Unless You Will Follow Through. [...]

  • Mark Holness says: November 7th, 2012 at 5:34 am

    Teasing a man can also lead to frustration, resentment, anger, and even putting your spouse in a vurnerable position that can cause infidelity. Walking around naked, teasing dances, and other acts of teasing IS abuse and not following through is wrong. It's weird, why would you do this to someone that you say you love? I thoink it gives the woman the power and control. If you men start to ignore their wives, just so they dont feel that rejection and denial, that would be wrong and cause possible self esteem issues with your wife. Women have been using this method for ever and it is wrong and if he does step out on her, YES he is wrong. At the same time, she teased him, does not follow through and puts him at a weak moment. If you REALLY dont want him, dont tease him, or better yet, let him go to be free.

  • Tommy says: January 19th, 2014 at 10:29 am

    My wife teases / touches me all weekend but never follows through. It's annoying. I sometimes push her off when she touches me because I know the outcome. She gets pissed off at me when I do. By that time, I'm already two days teased, pissed off and hurting. Why do I get the raw end?

  • JulieSibert says: January 19th, 2014 at 11:32 am

    @Tommy... Have you talked bluntly with her about this in a tone that is loving, yet direct. Express to her that you want the two of you to work together on better intimacy that doesn't involve teasing, but rather open honest communication.

  • Lacey says: May 20th, 2014 at 12:44 am

    So, I tease my husband. But for me, it's foreplay. He's much more of a talker and I'm more of a doer, we generally comprise on this, mostly me talking more, but sometimes I want things to go organically, so I like teasing because I like to gage his reaction to see if he's in the mood. It's much more arousing to me to see him reciprocate my advances then just saying to me "I want you". However when I start to tease and be coy, he'll say something like "Don't start something you can't finish." Or "Is leading somewhere or not?" And that's so incredibly hurtful to me and instantly turns me off. I've told him before about my feelings on this, but I dunno if he just doesn't understand. Straight up assuming I'm just teasing for fun and not wanting it to lead anywhere is hurtful to me. And sometimes I just want him to shut up and act on instincts instead of asking questions and narrating everything. I don't know how to really make him understand that. But I dunno, I'm sure there are other women out there that are the same, we tease cos it's like testing the waters and initiating and then the man bluntly asks if it's going anywhere and if not, just to stop, because even if it was leading to something, it's not now. Ugh. I guess I need to work on communication more. Marriage isn't easy, but it's worth it.

  • Melissa says: December 14th, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    Hi... I'm a 40 year old woman that has a 43 year old husband that is the teaser!
    He touches me in areas that he knows that turn me completely on, he
    says things that turn me completely on and hardly ever follows through.
    I've even tried the whole "let's go to the bedroom" thing and he still refuses and turns me down almost every single time.
    You would think that I would be the one that wouldn't want intimacy with him because I have had 3 surgeries there, but no, he's the one who teases and never follows through...!!! I even tried the "dress sexy" thing too for him, but half the time it don't work! He compliments me on how good I look everyday, but he also compliments my female friends on how good they look too. He knows I'm a very jealous woman, and tries everything to irritate me to where I go off and blow a gasket! He's even said that word for word to me several times.

  • Victoria says: July 7th, 2015 at 9:35 am

    I get teased, I have what feels like an on off switch for arousal and I have to guess which way to turn it. It's frustrating to be told "im tired, we will do it in the morning" then the next morning get teased but nothing comes of it. Whenever I get teased i don't know if I should let myself get aroused because it usually doesn't go anywhere and when it does I've turned myself off im so dry sex is painful. Why is it when im interested and he's not its ok not to have sex but when he's interested and im not we have to have sex anyway?

  • Christian Husband of 38 yrs says: July 8th, 2015 at 8:08 am

    I get the role that playfulness can have in a good marriage, for some people at least. I also am absolutely certain, however, that very good, open, and honest communication is critically important in ALL marriages. If any form of playfulness is taken so far that it short-circuits or blocks good communication, then that creates a very big problem, and it isn't worth doing.

    Be playful, sure - but also keep the lines of communication open, and be sure to stay on the same wavelength.

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