body image, intimacy, marriage problems, orgasm, passion, Uncategorized
3 Ways to Get Rid of Your Sexual Inhibitions
Feb
Are you sexually inhibited?
Do you feel insecure or awkward when you and your husband make love, wondering if you are “doing it right” or if he is enjoying it?
You’re not alone in those feelings.
Many Christian women strive for modesty and appropriateness in the way they dress, speak and carry themselves in the presence of other people.
And while those modesty standards serve us well in public and even in our gatherings with friends, modesty can become our stumbling block behind our closed bedroom door.
Some wives confide in me that they struggle getting past the idea that if they become more sexually confident in giving and receiving sexual pleasure in their marriage bed, they are somehow sinning (or, at the minimum, they are “disappointing” God rather than worshipping Him).
Not surprisingly, a common frustration among husbands is that their wife is not more enthusiastic about sex.
He longs for a wife who will seduce him, desire him and express vividly with her body and her words that she genuinely enjoys sex with him.
Those two points of view — one anchored in sexual inhibition and one hungry for sexual adventure — tend to leave a husband and wife wrestling alone, on opposite sides of the bed, with confusion and rejection.
Sexual inhibition is not helping your marriage; it may even be causing ache and despondency in something that should be profoundly tender and sensual.
Want to slay your sexual inhibitions? Here are 3 Ways:
1. Undress each other. Slowly.
If you have never let your husband undress you before sex, this is a really good place to start (even though I imagine it is causing you trepidation just thinking about it).
Likewise, if you have never undressed your husband, consider what it would mean to him if you did.
Here’s why undressing each other is a boost to sexual confidence and arousal: It is a physical way to live out the spiritual reality that your bodies are no longer just your own.
It allows you to place trust in each other and to loosen control on something that we typically handle ourselves — taking off our clothes.
Another reason undressing each other starts to free your sexual inhibitions is it requires you to touch each other’s bodies in areas you may not typically touch.
Consider the way your fingernails lightly graze his navel when you unsnap his jeans.
Linger awhile on the feel of his hand on your back when he unhooks your bra.
Though undressing each other may seem awkward at first, you likely will find that it endears you to each other and heightens your sense of closeness. It’s great foreplay, and sadly, foreplay is virtually non-existent in so many marriages.
For more encouragement, check out this post on getting comfortable in your own skin.
2. Make love with some light on in the room.
Light in the room?! When we’re having sex?!
If you as a wife go to great lengths to shield your husband from seeing your body — your post-baby midriff, your less-than-firm calves, your calloused feet, your varicose veins — then this advice of “light on in the room” seems so counter-intuitive, doesn’t it?
Consider, though, that when you make “complete darkness” a non-negotiable for having sex, you rob your husband of something that likely is one of his primary arousal triggers — visual stimulation.
You don’t have to turn on the overhead light. Instead, light some candles or turn on a lamp on the nightstand or turn on the closet light and leave the closet door partially open.
Relax, slow down and let him see your body. When you do this, you give him the opportunity to affirm you. And you give him the opportunity to partake of something that no other man gets to see — your naked body.
3. Be a good Christian witness.
What in the world does being a good Christian witness have to do with being uninhibited sexually?
A lot, if you ask me. I know. No one asks me these things, but seriously… if they did… here is what I would say…
If you are concerned with maintaining a good Christian witness outside your home, you would be wise to first be one inside your home, including sexually with your husband.
Pour your heart into understanding what God says about sex as much as you pour your heart into what He says about hospitality and loving thy neighbor and keeping the commandments.
God is the author of marriage and sex and orgasm and all one-fleshy things that show up in the covenant of marriage.
Your Christian witness has a lot to do with your willingness to fully engage sexually with your husband. You may find some more insights at this post on 5 Ways to Sexually Please Your Husband (it’s not just about his sexual pleasure, by the way).
BONUS TIP: Talk.
Assumption is a lousy game plan if you want mutually-enjoyable sex. A better approach? Tell and show each other what feels good sexually.
Nearly all phenomenal sexual experiences between a husband and wife come within the scrumptiously intimate reality of clear communication. Instead of being hesitant to give and receive feedback about what is working between the two of you sexually, you should run toward it with abandon.
If sexual inhibitions are chipping away at the sexual intimacy you and your husband could be having, why not start to right the ship on that?
Copyright 2014, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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Very relevant essay for many wives and some husbands, too.
Undressing each other is a great tip. The “bonus tip” of talking to each other during sexual intimacy is very helpful. Not only does this help each spouse to know what is and what may not be working for their spouse, but talking a little during the lovemaking shows your spouse that you are present and involved in the shared experience(s) – you are not absent, nor distant, nor just going through the motions. Talking can help foster the closeness and the connection during lovemaking. (This also applies when a wife or husband is doing the pleasuring, the giving during oral sex. If you are only going through the motions and are not enthusiastic, your spouse will sense this and the experience will not be as authentic, or as intimate, or as “phenomenal” as it can and should be.)
One thing not to be lost sight of is that the lovemaking in any marriage, but especially in a Christian marriage, is about SHARING (and giving). Wives and husbands are sharing the gift of sexual intimacy that bonds them together deeply – emotionally, psychologically, and even spiritually. You are sharing your emotions and not just your body with your spouse. Overcoming your inhibitions involves opening yourself up so you can give more of yourself to your spouse. (Your spouse needs to do the same.) In return, you and your spouse get more from the sexual intimacy and the efforts are worth it.
Thanks Julie for an insightful essay that is sure to help spouses achieve a better, richer, loving sexual intimacy in their marriages.
Another grand slam this week Julie, especially “being a good Christian witness”. Having the “lights on”/body image show if we really believe what God truly says about marriage intimacy and embrace the way he created us physically. I love the fact that you are peeling away at that “Elephant in the room” and saying/asking what a lot of us are thinking! While your on a roll, you might want to pen out a few more.
“Here’s why undressing each other is a boost to sexual confidence and arousal: It is a physical way to live out the spiritual reality that your bodies are no longer just your own.”
I love this truth. It’s undeniable evidence of where genuine biblical love culminates and thrives in marriage.
Once again, a powerful article about the truth. When I read the articles on this website, two things happen. First, I am enlightened about marriage and marital sex. Second, I wish I were younger and just entering marriage now. The informative discussion says so much about what God wants us to be as married couples. It also says to appreciate the desire, need and fulfillment that sex brings to our relationships. There is that old adage to not talk about sex, religion or politics. Julie, this site changes all that. I am probably one of the older viewers of this site and the world was so different when my wife and I married. Yes, there were church required retreats to offer insight about marriage and yes, there was even talk about sex. However, it was not to this degree. Sexual inhibitions cause stress and they continue to feed off of itself. The sum; marital sex is okay. In fact it is good for you and encouraged. May God continue to guide you in the mission you are on. You were given the gift of getting us to think differently. Thanks for sharing.
Just wanted to say I find it interesting that the first four (and only) comments were by men…
This is a great post. The steps are practical, and any wife (or husband) who is feeling inhibited can take them one at a time, becoming comfortable with one new thing before trying another.
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Julie
Thanks for a really great post.
Let me add one thought to point number 2: Lighting
It’s a wonderful thing to have “mood lights”. You can try red bulbs in a light stand that add a soft passion glow to the room. This soft lighting also tends to hide some of the flaws we all have.
And, theses moods lights can be turned on as a “signal” that a fun night together is more than a possibilty…
Try it. You’ll just bask in the glow!!!
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Julie, What a great post. I keep learning things. No undressing each at my house. I have tried to influence that it is a part of intimacy. But the answer is no. Turn off virtually all light n pull covers over you immediately? How could a wife with a body like mine have body image problems? I am serious. I would like to know. She looks terrific! But she wants to hide? I simply cannot have sex in the dark. I couldn’t do that when I was very young. No visual, no orgasms. I have gone to lighting candles n dimming the lights. She appreciates that but still covers up and finally the sheets come down after 15 minutes of under the sheets foreplay. This is difficult to get too excited about because I cant see her in all her beautiful splendor. There is always a 15-20 minute “struggle” before sex, oral or otherwise, begins. I always hold her afterwards but she yanks those sheets up instantly? There is nothing loose or free about it. It seems like a struggle for her. I don’t complain because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. However, I AM learning from your website that there are things going on that don’t have anything to do with me. So I have more insight. But how can I reach her so we can have real sexual intimacy? If I just wanted an orgasm I could hire an escort girl or masturbate. A RELEASE with no love and intimacy is JUST THAT—a release. I think it was Reba who enlightened me that it likely had nothing to do with me. I am trying to be patient and trying to learn from you and all the wonderful women who write their comments here. Any thoughts will be appreciated? Thanks.
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Inhibition is a woman’s insecurity. A man has insecurities at work or in my case no work. I find that after 30 years of marriage, my wife still slender, she hides. I swear the planets have to be lined up AND middle of summer with air off AND changing from swimsuit AND alone in the house or vacation place before I see her nude for any great lengths of time.
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Having a prude for a spouse absolutely kills a marriage. The amount of anger and resentment it engenders cannot be overcome after a certain point. My current wife simply does not know what she is missing and came out of a sexually immature marriage. It’s hard to read this and not get angry.
Freedom is the answer. Freedom never degrades or mistreats each other never force the issue on any topic period. Make sure you both agree on biblical right and wrong false conscience is the devils play ground.
Hi I don.t know where to start. I am 72 wife 73. She was brought up in very religious child hood. Her preacher when she was 15 took her with parents knowing consent and had her she need a bra. He had her take of blouse and said your nipples are sticking out, he had a bra which he told her to always wear. Now at the age of about 70 she will not take bra of I like to see her with none. She says that against her religion.
For 50 some years she would remove clothing, we both did for sex.
Now at 70 she quit all sex, nothing she sleeps in another bed. There is a lot more I need help.