I am thrilled to have recently interviewed my wildly funny and insightful friend J of Hot Holy Humorous fame on her new book, Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives.
Like me, she’s a Christian wife singing the praises of nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage.
(We are a small but mighty group, determined to keep boosting our membership numbers!)
I was privileged to read the book before it went to print and truly believe J offers up some tips that will benefit many marriages.
(Plus, she put a redhead on the front cover, so obviously it’s a good book. Not that I’m biased or anything).
Anyway, check out what she had to say in response to my questions…
1. You’ve written this great “how to” book for Christian wives to give them tips about sex. How can your book benefit a couple?
Sex Savvy is intended for wives, but sex in marriage is a we thing. When one spouse struggles with the lovemaking, the sex isn’t that good for the other.
Likewise, when one spouse increases her understanding, participation, and savvy in the marriage bed, it benefits the couple.
They both enjoy the experience more and grow more intimate physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
2. In your experience as a blogger, what are the more common reasons you hear from wives as to why they are hesitant to be more sexually uninhibited with their husbands? What’s holding them back?
The primary reasons I hear are (1) too busy and (2) sex doesn’t feel that great.
But we women are tough.
We wives tend to make time and overcome enormous obstacles for whatever we believe to be important and fulfilling. If we didn’t, our children would starve, go naked, and be illiterate—assuming they ever made it out of the womb.
Ultimately, we invest where we feel the rewards are worth the risk.
There’s real risk in the marriage bed. And we don’t always see the reward.
So I think the inhibitions run deeper. We hold back because the marital bedroom is a vulnerable place and we don’t fully know what we’re doing or even know why we’re doing it.
We have to strip down and show our less-than-perfect bodies to someone (our husband) who might focus on our flaws or, perhaps worse, focus like a laser tracker on our lady bits instead of our eyes and our brains and our hearts. We must put ourselves into awkward moments and awkward positions, and we might even make awkward noises.
We worry that we might not figure out how to make it feel wonderful or to achieve an orgasm, or we could lose control of ourselves in the heat of passion. We risk feeling exposed or odd or dirty or inadequate. It’s that very tender quality we women have at our core that makes us both beautiful and vulnerable in the sexual arena.
But once we understand how God designed sex to occur within covenant marriage – and for it be body-trembling, soul-engaging sex – we can open ourselves up to more confident lovemaking.
We can prioritize sex and take steps to learn how to be a better lover. We can release our inhibitions and revel in pleasure with our husband.
3. In the book and on your blog, you are vulnerable and transparent about your own journey and past struggles in your marriage. Was there a light bulb moment for you when you realized that these struggles were definitely taking a huge toll on your relationship?
With the exception of a few years when my kids were very young, my husband and I have enjoyed a great sex life together.
In fact, it was our relationship that was absolutely terrible at times, and the sexual intimacy was a bit like duct tape holding us together. We still connected there, and I felt his tender, soul-filled love in the marriage bed. It served as a reminder that this man adored me at some level – even if we scrapped like back-seat-on-the-family-road-trip siblings at times.
What did take its toll on me and our marriage was not letting go of wrong definitions of myself.
Based on my premarital promiscuity, I labeled myself in my head as a loose woman or “slut.” Even though I was Sadie-Sadie-married-lady, I read any troubles we experienced through that lens – blaming my past for anything going awry. As if God was smacking me over and over again for my past sins.
Perhaps the light bulb moment was realizing I hadn’t accepted God’s forgiveness and didn’t fully believe He wanted to bless our sexual intimacy in marriage.
Which was stupid really.
One day it just hit me like a bolt of greased lightning that if I said I believed in the Gospel, I’d better learn to let it invade my marital bedroom. I’d better accept God’s grace, walk in His way, and live as the new creature God made me to be. A new creature called holy wife. (Or hot, holy, and humorous wife, if you will.)
4. As a fellow writer on sex, I would love to hear what you think we as Christian wives can do to foster a healthier dialogue among our friends and within the church about sex in marriage.
I could write forever on this, but your readers have dishes in the sink, kids yelling from the other room, and/or a hubby to make love to, so let’s go with bullet points!
- Be able to say the words. Stop shying away from using the word “sex” in church and around friends. God created sex, and He’s totally okay with you using the correct words for body parts and sexual intimacy.
- Admit you believe sex is important in marriage. Too often conversations among wives focus on sex being “for him.” No, no, ladies. God created it for you too.
- Offer advice or resources for struggling wives. That wife who admits she doesn’t enjoy it? Maybe she just needs you to pull her aside and give her hope and wisdom.
- Support marriage classes and workshops. And make sure they don’t skip the sections on sexual intimacy!
- Share a Christian sex book with a friend. Yeah, like my book, Sex Savvy, or Julie’s fabulous book, The Pursuit of Passion. You never know what difference it could make.
5. If you could give one piece of advice on how a wife can enjoy sex more, what would you say?
Tell your husband what you like.
That seems so basic, but we wives are often fearful of speaking up for what feels good to us. As if requesting a little more pleasure makes us high maintenance or overly sexed.
But what I hear from so many husbands is they enjoy sex bucketloads more when their wife is having a fab-you-lous time!
They’re okay with arousing and satisfying you. So let your husband know – through words, moving his hand or lips, or encouraging noises – what turns you on. You’ll enjoy yourself more, he’ll enjoy himself more, and everyone ends up a happy lover.
J. Parker is the author of Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives and writes the Hot, Holy & Humorous blog, where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.