authentic, passion, sex, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles
Enough With the Double Standards Regarding Oral Sex
As anyone who has followed my blog will know, I am a big proponent of married couples nurturing their sexual intimacy. I’ve written about oral sex before, simply because it is indeed a source of contention within many marriages (maybe even more so among Christian married couples).
Certainly each couple needs to prayerfully and intentionally dialogue about whether oral sex is something they want to explore in their sexual intimacy. Some married couples enjoy oral sex and others don’t desire it at all.
I’ve yet to find anything in the Bible that would prohibit it as an acceptable form of sexual expression between spouses, but that really has nothing to do with the “preference” factor. Like I said — some couples love it and others could take it or leave it.
There is another caveat, though, regarding oral sex that is wreaking havoc in the marriage bed of many couples. It sadly is the double standard that receiving oral sex is valued, but giving it is neglected.
Occassionally, I hear from readers — usually men — who are more than willing to perform oral sex on their wives (who love it by the way). Seems, though, that their wives are not reciprocal. Sometimes the situation is reversed, where a husband wants his wife giving him oral pleasure, but he is less than enthused to do the same for her.
Such a pattern can’t help but lead to resentment, frustration, rejection and so forth. And trust me — there are enough dynamics going on in bed that no one needs to be carelessly tossing negative and hurtful emotions into the mix.
In talking to women, I think wives have more hang ups about performing oral sex than men do. Sometimes they are concerned about cleanliness (a nice shower together before hand can ease those concerns), but also they worry they won’t “do it” correctly. (No wife really wants to admit this, but it’s not like these skills are talked about often and openly on our way into marriage).
Truth be told, most husbands don’t know what they are doing either, until they have had a little guidance and feedback and trial and error.
This is why communication is so important. I know it’s awkward to have such dialogue, but wow what a difference it can make! I mean honestly, who wants to be going to all kinds of effort for mediocre results?
Probably one of the biggest surprises in both receiving and giving oral sex is how much stimulation is often necessary for tremendous pleasure. Sometimes light caressing is nice, but more often than not, at some point, firmer and more specific stimulation is needed for incredible climax. Talk about this, give feedback in an encouraging tone, ask each other what feels good.
Yes, I may be pushing the boundaries a bit with this post. A nice Christian girl like myself getting all introspective and direct about oral sex.
I just don’t think the double standards are a good habit to get into. If you like receiving oral sex, then figure out unselfishly how to give it as well. If you as a married couple see where it has a valid place in your sexual intimacy, then be mutual about it. Your marriage bed is worth it.
Copyright 2010, Julie Sibert, Intimacy In Marriage Blog.
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Great post! I absolutely agree with you. I’m astonished about how little communication goes on between Christian couples regarding sex.
Great post Jules!! This is the wildest and most exciting expression of intimacy and needs to be addressed. Great expression in sexual intimacy in marriage has to be stewarded and cultivated by BOTH parties!!! What I know to be true also is that a lot of Christian women also associate oral sex in marriage with porn, sin, or the girl they think their man fantasizes about and how they don’t measure up! But dealing with this shows that there are selfish tendencies growing together with the lies of the enemy to steal from passionate God glorifying sex lives in marriage!! Great job on hitting this head on, excuse the pun!
@Julie – we need more nice Christian girls like you!
Given the way oral sex on men is treated in porn and society as a whole, I can understand why a woman would be less than thrilled to do it. The act has been used as a way to degrade women, or as “proof” that the man has control over the woman. That has made a mess for all of us.
My guess is that God intend oral sex to be a deeply intimate and enjoyable part of sex for both husband and wife. With all the wrong thinking out of the way, I think that “giving” oral sex should be almost as pleasurable as receiving it.
May we all continue to be healed into what He intended!
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“Occassionally, I hear from readers — usually men — who are more than willing to perform oral sex on their wives (who love it by the way). Seems, though, that their wives are not reciprocal. ”
Yup. 0% reciprocation. Its difficult not to be resentful. Not saying its right, but its difficult.
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Very good post! It is an important subject that isn’t talked about enough…like most sexual issues! Thank heavens you’re here!
Hey, thanks for being so direct about this. I just found your blog via the nominations for top marriage blogs. I have struggled with sexuality being a bad thing as viewed by many Christians from my past community and have been dealing with guilt my whole life about enjoying sexuality. SO THANK YOU for this INCREDIBLE blog and for being so candid and thoughtful and marvelous about it all. You posted asking “would anyone notice if I didn’t write anymore?” Well yes, yes they would. I’m sure you are a comfort to many of us.
Merry Christmas!
Thank you Natalia for your comment. You are not alone in that many women struggle with sexuality being a bad thing. I am glad you like the blog… my heart is to encourage others, to shed light and to generate good dialogue. Just trying to walk where God has called me.
Blessings to you! Merry Christmas to you too!
Years ago (when I was previously married…yes, all that sin is under the Blood), I rarely liked to give oral sex (preferring to receive it instead). And, the more I resisted, it seemed the more he insisted…. But, it was primarily a selfish thing: it just wasn’t MY favorite thing to do.
When I married my husband, along with the thousand other things that I purposed to do differently, I purposed to love him freely and selflessly in bed. So, now it seems I tend to give more than I even receive. I still don’t “prefer” it (there are tons of things I would rather do given my druthers) except that it delights him so. I do it simply for the joy of giving freely to him; for the joy of seeing the man i so dearly love receive that pleasure from me without reserve.
Thank you for your comment Kristi… I really appreciate it. I love your line about purposing to “love him freely and selflessly in bed.” When husbands and wives both embrace such an attitude, sexual intimacy does become such a safe, sacred and passion-filled aspect of marriage. Thx again!
Another big part of this is past baggage. I was sexually abused as a kid and was forced to give my abuser oral sex. When I was newly married (and even before then, WAY before I was saved), I was asked to give oral sex and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Even *I* know what I’m about to say doesn’t sound right, but its proof to what God can change in your hearts when you give it up/over to Him. After I accepted Christ and I was able to give my abuse “over to God”, and I really started praying about it, the fear and anxiety about giving oral sex literally disappeared. I now am able to enjoy giving my husband pleasure in this way and do it quite freely.
I never would have thought about praying to God about sex, let alone oral sex! lol! But man oh man it worked and I praise Him for it!! (And Im pretty sure my husband does too!!! haha)
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another great one, have seen this before, but worth the read. Give and receive, trust me once you do iit, you will be mad you didn’t do it sooner. It keeps things alive behind closed doors
We have been married OVER 40 years. we are both CHRISTIANS, and have raised 3 VERY successful adults. We have worked SO hard..and financially succeeded. We come from POOR and lower middle class families.
My wife ALWAYS promised (MANY MANY times) I / we will do all this, or that WHEN….insert temporary and “current” reason/excuse.
She would VERY reluctantly “attempt” oral sex ONLY after I would plead, conjole, and sincerely try to offer incentive. I might as well have saved my breath.She would SAY “I’M doing it”…as I would have NO accompanying sensation, feeling, sense of touch etc. Either she really was NOT doing it..or I had a spinal cord injury that lasted ONLY as long as her “doing it”. I would VERY often perform oral on her..initially against her will…then gradually (AFTER it really felt great to her ) she would LOVE IT…but “the good girl in her” always made her “not like/need it”. I realized she DID “like/love” it and felt I had to break down these barriers…which were wearing me out big time…did persist ANYHOW because I felt it was the best thing for her enjoyment and pleasure and I wanted SOOOO much to please her !.
About 4 years ago I finally came to a point where I told her I was ( at least temporarily ) moving in with a divorced woman we had BOTH known for 30 years…I am NO LONGER living with this woman, but see this woman as often as I can..and spend a LOT of my time and some minor monies helping this woman after HER divorce to keep her house…fix it up, and get stronger financially so she can pay off a “looming” second trust deed..and avoid foreclosure.
What I AM doing hurts me..it’s adultry..and I know that..and it very MUCH hurts my wife..whom I still love. I wonder if I am really “in love” ( or ever was ) with my wife..but i CERTAINLY still DO “LOVE” her. I am tired, HURT, angry, and feel guilty often about this..and I LIVE alone in a crummy apartment I’m fixing up. (wife and I own this rental apartment) wife does NOT “help”…not her thing…
REALLY think some women ..certainly not all ….are “Clueless” about men and these things. A small and sincere effort to “please the stupid husband” and “do whatever is SO important to these men who don’t make perfect sense to every woman”…would surely have saved a TON of hurt ,heartache, and loss. Virtually EVERY woman I am convinced has it easily within HER power to prevent this kind of thing…it does NOT take a BIG investment in money, or education..just LISTEN ( with an OPEN MIND !!) to what is being said..and said, and said…rather than dismissing her man’s requests as “can’t do anything..or don’t “FEEL” like doing anything (now) about it.
Hope SOMEONE can learn from this before it’s repeated in their lives…
Fudruckerokeef.
Hi Jed;
I post here but because of what I’m going to say I’m posting anonymously to protect my marriage. Your last line – “Hope someone can learn from this…”, I hope you’re willing to learn. You and your wife are alive and need to reconcile.
Julie has a series or “Sacrificing on the Alter” posts on her site. I think one that may be needed is “The alter of sexual expectations: Are you sacrificing your marriage?” Guys need to shape their expectations around the greater love – the love of their wife. Likewise, wives need to shape their expectations around their greater love – the love of their husbands. Note I didn’t say the love *for* the wife or husband, but *of* the spouse. In other words, that love, coming from the spouse, needs to be accepted, appreciated, and amplified. I think it can be amplified in numerous ways, and one way is by providing the attention a spouse requests. That can be a challenge for sure, but its worth exploring.
My wife performed oral sex on me, to an extent, early on in marriage. She did not like doing it which I learned after a few months. While I do like any attention in that area, I love my wife more. I can say she gave it quite a few attempts. And the bottom line is this: It’s not that big a deal. It really isn’t. For me, having an orgasm during intercourse is far, far, FAR better than any other kind of orgasm. I have read other articles by men who tend to agree that oral sex is overrated (when performed on the man, anyway). Still, I agree with a desire to try it, experiment, and just see what it’s like. Conversely, I am exhilarated to perform on my wife and more often than not she enjoys that. Do I feel deprived? No. I’m good. Believe me!
I don’t know if your choice to abandon your marriage is specific to this or the general issue of lack of fulfillment. But I urge you to get your attention back on her needs. You can change, and brother, YOU NEED TO. Julie’s site is targeted to women, though I see a lot of guys posting here. You need to find some male leadership and accountability. Your marriage can be saved if you really want to have a happier life. And you deserve that!
(I often wonder if we guys need to back off so that women are more free to post here.)
Consider visiting these Christian sites and look for articles relevant to your situation. I’m praying for you and your wife. I believe she’s waiting for the man she fell in love with to return.
http://www.savemymarriage.com/topics/separation/
http://joebeam.com/blog/category/marriage-trouble/
http://lifegems4marriage.com/2011/07/25/avoid-divorce-with-51-ratio/
Men love performing oral on women i dont think i know of one who does not, men allso like woman to be clean this is an issue with quite a few woman.
My husband and I have been married for over 17 years. In the beginning of our marriage everything was new as we were exploring and learning about each others needs and desires. I tried it and did not really like giving, and was embarrassed about receiving. But that did not ruin our relationship- sometimes I would kiss or lick but that was it. A few years ago I decided to try again. Wow! I love giving my husband this pleasure. He says he feels very loved and it is something very special. I have learned (and enjoy!) receiving as well. As I contemplated the reasons I believe that I thought it was “dirty” etc… Now? I love my husband a million times more than I did 18 years ago. I truly enjoy it, it turns me on and I love to see the pleasure and love on my husbands face! (it is usually done in foreplay and not the end- I am still working on trying not to be sick).
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This post hit me hard. I have been married 15 years and I truly have a great marriage with my wife. Our sex life is good, but has moments of slowing due to my wife being a homeschooling mom. She is just tired at night. I get that.
The subject if oral sex is a touchy one for me. My wife enjoys our lovemaking and aggressively participates. Sadly she will not give oral sex or even touch me down there. I love giving her oral sex and seeing her orgasm. It’s just that I’m starting to get resentful and angry over the lack of attention. I’m noticing other women in ways I haven’t done in years. Temptations are rising up in ways that require me to remove myself so I can keep my marriage pure before God. She thinks I will never stray because I am so loyal to her. I love her deeply and don’t want one issue to drive a major wedge in my marriage. This issue is making me feel undesirable to her. I take two showers a day and I am not over weight.
She gets embarrassed when we talk about it and says she will try. It never happens. I don’t argue because I hate to see her do something she doesn’t like. This isn’t fair and I have to be careful I don’t try to rationalize sinful behavior because I am resentful.
Lastly we both have made mistakes in our past. I was her first but she was not mine. My wife was a technical virgin and I wasn’t one at all. She made mistakes with a couple old boyfriends and they included activities that I presently don’t enjoy. That’s a sore spot with me. Sorry to unload this on you. Just hurting.
@ConcernedHusband – a fulfilled spouse has few temptations! If her lack of attention to certain things has you dealing with temptations you otherwise have not had, it’s a problem! You don’t want to have an affair, do you? You sound like a great guy, you MUST tell your wife that this is drawing you places you don’t want to go and she MUST address this area in your life. I want you two together for a long time, and she’s in the way of that at the moment. Set a deadline for new behaviors and stick to it.
Discussion is often the most missing element.
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Spot on with this write-up, I actually feel this web site needs a great deal more attention. I’ll probably be back again to read through more, thanks for the info!
Excellent resource again..
Thank you.
I have an interesting “double standard” issue, although it may well be common. My wife enjoys receiving oral sex, and I love performing it– but she virtually refuses to reciprocate
When I ask her about this double standard, she says that no one should “have” to do something they don’t want to, full stop, end of conversation. She says, further, that if I didn’t like performing it, she wouldn’t ask me to do it. To boil it down, the objection is “you like giving it, but I don’t, so I shouldn’t have to reciprocate.”
I’m not sure what to think. Given that I enjoy doing it, I realize that it’s not “unfair” per se, but, say, what if I decided I was “uncomfortable” giving her massages (which I frequently do)?
I hate to make this seem like quid pro quo, or to focus on fairness– I know it’s supposed to be about love and partnership! Interested in what others think.
Hi there everybody, here every one is sharing these kinds of experience, thus it’s pleasant to read this website, and I used to visit this webpage everyday.
I have written an article on oral sex which i have not sent off yet as I have not compled it, divorce rates are exploding, if you give your spouse oral sex the correct way with the right type of sexual climax where they get a wow climax; I mean a real “Wow” Climax; then there will be no need to look for other people, because you’ll be satisfied; the problem is that we Christians have made the subject of sex a taboo subject not to be spoken about.
Christianity and family morals has not stopped the divorse rate
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I have actually learned to enjoy giving my husband oral sex but only if he’s freshly showered. He prefers morning showers and when I asked him to shower before sex he was really hurt and angry. He said it made him feel like a prostitute. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that. The truth is, he works in fast food and he smells bad after work. I’m supposed to desire him physically anyway.
My wife and I have been married for over 5 years and for most of that time I’ve been suffering from a congenital bone deformity in my feet having finally caught up with me. I have made some great strides but am still often in a lot of pain. While the healthier I get the longer I’m able to enjoy sex and stay erect enough for this to happen, I can seldom fish this way due to the pain.
My wife is also struggling with her weight which I only bring up due to the fact that it is severly limiting to any potition change that might take pressure of my feet and legs; which even on my best days tire easily. So what does that leave? Either I take care of things on my own there or later by myself or she gives my oral sex or a hand job…., or I just don’t finish.
Two things up front. I am very attracted to all types of women and those on the heavier side are unquestionably my type so it’s not that she doesn’tget me aroused physically; she does! The second is I love giving her oral sex. I loved doing that before I was crippled and I especially love that I have a way to please her when I my legs are in too much pain.
For her to give me oral sex tho…. if it is to happen at all I often hace tonhint pleed beg guilt bargin and anything else just to get it considered and even then she’ll try to offer something else. We have talked about her hang ups and she swears she is trying and understands where I’m coming from but things have just gotten worse in that area of our sex life.
Recently the rest of it has really improved; so much so that I pushed myself too far and was in exreme pain in my feet and legs and….. other options were offered (one of which kills my chances for any oral conntection after). I rallied and chose that option and burt out before release and had to lie back down. This changed our best night of sex in years intonour worst fight and I said some terrible things I regret which as much as I want tonblame it on the pain…. I still said those things.
She told me she felt guilted into it and my response was, “Is it wrong I feel somewhat entiled to this given both my physical limitations along with my level of willingness to please (her)whichwhich goes far beyond mere oral sex?” She agreed I had a point but since then she’s been distant.
Please! Anything you can sell to help us. I dont want to lose her over this but I cant help feeling both used and rejected to some degree. Sje is so wonderful to me and this is honestly one of two things we really fight about but I’m wearing thin. It’s hurting my level of desire for her. I don’t want that. She’s my dream girl and my best friend. I just want her to be as interested in me sexually as I am her…. well at least more than she seems now.
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Nathan,
She does not have to reciprocate. Expecting her to is sexual abuse.
End of story
My marriage is the opposite. I am a wife who loves to give oral to my husband. He never has to ask. I do it willingly during almost every sexual encounter. However, not once in the three years that we’ve been married has he done. the same for me. He refuses to do it and has made it clear that he never will. He says he can’t or he’ll puke.
This is very hard for me. He was married before, and he did do it with his first wife. He struggled with it then too, but at least he was willing to try. But not with me…there are no words for how that makes me feel.
Sam,
Your reply to Nathan is categorically false. The expectation is NOT abuse. It’s an expectation. The way he may pressure her into doing this could become abuse, and obviously forcing anything on her would be abuse. But the expectation is NOT abuse. It should be a starting point for a conversation, and one that could become very messy, even if it’s handled with love and grace. The fact that he came here to vent and find hope should be taken into account… he could have simply given her an ultimatum. But he shouldn’t find condemnation for what he’s legitimately feeling in this situation… you don’t have nearly enough data from his abbreviated explanation to jump to accusations of abuse.
Nathan,
I feel for you. It would seem from the comments that MANY of us are on the short end of this stick, and many women don’t understand what is or could be at stake. Keep trying. I know it’s frustrating and difficult, and I know the temptations play on that vulnerability. Pray that God will restore the years the locusts have taken (Joel 2:25), and that he will reward your generosity richly.