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And just so we are clear, I’m talking about marriages that are generally stable and healthy.
Understandably, in marriages where there is abuse, manipulation or intimidation, any sexual interaction is going to be skewed and undermined by discord. I get why sex, including oral sex, is rarely, if ever, enjoyable in these circumstances.
But in marriages that are fairly even-keeled? How do wives feel about giving their husbands oral sex?
Refusal no matter what
Only for special occasions, like birthdays or anniversaries
As an alternative during the latter months of pregnancy if intercourse is too uncomfortable or impossible
As part of foreplay, but not to completion
Begrudgingly if a husband has asked, whined or complained enough
As a bartering chip to get something she wants
Enthusiastically and regularly because she genuinely enjoys giving it
Maybe I missed some spots on the spectrum, but I think the above gives a good snapshot.
As far as refusal no matter what, I am especially sensitive to circumstances where a wife has experienced sexual abuse or assault in her past, and oral sex was part of that trauma. It’s not surprising that even in the context of now being in a healthy marriage, a wife may find giving oral sex too much of a painful trigger to move beyond. There has to be grace for this, I believe, because certainly a compassionate husband doesn’t want to bring about more pain for his wife.
Some wives refuse because they interpret the Bible in such a way that oral pleasure, even between a husband and wife, is biblically wrong. I don’t read the Word that way, but I respect some people do.
As I often have said, a foundational tenet of marriage is love, so while sexual intercourse is a reasonable expectation, it is not fair to force sexual acts that one spouse has legitimate reservations about.
There are so many marriages where one spouse desires oral sex be included and the other spouse has nonchalantly and arbitrarily removed it from the equation. If that describes your marriage and you’re a wife who has casually written off giving your husband oral sex or you do it only begrudgingly, please hear my heart. I do believe there are things that can make giving oral sex more enjoyable for you.
This is just a no brainer. It’s easier to enjoy orally pleasing your husband if his penis and testicles are clean. Maybe take a shower together first. Or ask him to shower first. Ask him to come to bed clean.
If it would be helpful, ask him to trim his hair in that area, too.
When a husband is clean, a lot of the inhibitions you may be feeling will lessen. I can only imagine he will be willing to come to bed clean if you are expressing what you desire to do to him.
There’s something to be said for perspective. It’s incredibly arousing to know that you are the only one who gets to sexually please your husband. You’re it. From a biblical standpoint and a practical standpoint, that’s an incredible privilege.
What is holding you back from seeing it as a privilege? Too many wives see sexual intimacy as a necessary burden, when in reality, with just a little attitude adjustment, they could see it as their super power.
What’s it going to take for you to see it as your super power?
I’m not talking about manipulation. I’m talking about embracing and owning the sexual power you have over your husband, in the sense that you have great freedom to please him sexually. Oral sex can be a part of that, you know. It truly can. When you reframe how you see it, it’s a privilege to bring him this kind of intense pleasure.
And that’s enjoyable—to bring pleasure to this man you love. This man who is your partner and friend.
There are many things that are sexually arousing. I think too many wives overlook one in particular. Have you overlooked what it means to allow yourself to be aroused by being the one doing the arousing?
When you turn your husband on (which you will do when you enthusiastically please him orally), this can be incredibly arousing for you. Yes, for you. I can’t be the only one who experiences this, right?! I find my own sexual stimulation increases exponentially when I arouse the man I married.
Oral pleasure is a gift we offer our spouse. Often, oral pleasure is a gift they simply receive… something you do to your husband, and his only part is to enjoy it and allow the moment to unfold.
There’s something quite sexy about that. When you grow in seeing it from this perspective, you will enjoy it more.
There are immeasurable nuances and touches and propositions and acts and undercurrents and intentionality that define what’s going on in a marriage sexually. Can oral pleasure be part of that? For many married couples (maybe even most), I believe it can and should be.
For more reading, check out Oral Sex and the Christian Wives Who Love Giving It, as well as all the posts on my Oral Sex Page.
And I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.