I’ve heard opinions across the spectrum when it comes to how wives feel about giving their husbands oral sex.
And just so we are clear, I’m talking about marriages that are generally stable and healthy.
Understandably, in marriages where there is abuse, manipulation or intimidation, any sexual interaction is going to be skewed and undermined by discord. I get why sex, including oral sex, is rarely, if ever, enjoyable in these circumstances.
But in marriages that are fairly even-keeled? How do wives feel about giving their husbands oral sex?
The spectrum of how wives feel usually includes:
Refusal no matter what
Only for special occasions, like birthdays or anniversaries
As an alternative during the latter months of pregnancy if intercourse is too uncomfortable or impossible
As part of foreplay, but not to completion
Begrudgingly if a husband has asked, whined or complained enough
As a bartering chip to get something she wants
Enthusiastically and regularly because she genuinely enjoys giving it
Maybe I missed some spots on the spectrum, but I think the above gives a good snapshot.
As far as refusal no matter what, I am especially sensitive to circumstances where a wife has experienced sexual abuse or assault in her past, and oral sex was part of that trauma. It’s not surprising that even in the context of now being in a healthy marriage, a wife may find giving oral sex too much of a painful trigger to move beyond. There has to be grace for this, I believe, because certainly a compassionate husband doesn’t want to bring about more pain for his wife.
Some wives refuse because they interpret the Bible in such a way that oral pleasure, even between a husband and wife, is biblically wrong. I don’t read the Word that way, but I respect some people do.
As I often have said, a foundational tenet of marriage is love, so while sexual intercourse is a reasonable expectation, it is not fair to force sexual acts that one spouse has legitimate reservations about.
All that being said, my observation has been from listening to countless husbands and wives, in many marriages there’s no good reason that oral sex isn’t a part of a couple’s lovemaking.
There are so many marriages where one spouse desires oral sex be included and the other spouse has nonchalantly and arbitrarily removed it from the equation. If that describes your marriage and you’re a wife who has casually written off giving your husband oral sex or you do it only begrudgingly, please hear my heart. I do believe there are things that can make giving oral sex more enjoyable for you.
My hope would be that you lean into the value that oral pleasure—yours and his—can bring to your marriage.
How to Enjoy Giving Oral Sex to Your Husband
1. Ask him to come to bed clean
This is just a no brainer. It’s easier to enjoy orally pleasing your husband if his penis and testicles are clean. Maybe take a shower together first. Or ask him to shower first. Ask him to come to bed clean.
If it would be helpful, ask him to trim his hair in that area, too.
When a husband is clean, a lot of the inhibitions you may be feeling will lessen. I can only imagine he will be willing to come to bed clean if you are expressing what you desire to do to him.
2. Find power in your sexual privilege
There’s something to be said for perspective. It’s incredibly arousing to know that you are the only one who gets to sexually please your husband. You’re it. From a biblical standpoint and a practical standpoint, that’s an incredible privilege.
What is holding you back from seeing it as a privilege? Too many wives see sexual intimacy as a necessary burden, when in reality, with just a little attitude adjustment, they could see it as their super power.
What’s it going to take for you to see it as your super power?
I’m not talking about manipulation. I’m talking about embracing and owning the sexual power you have over your husband, in the sense that you have great freedom to please him sexually. Oral sex can be a part of that, you know. It truly can. When you reframe how you see it, it’s a privilege to bring him this kind of intense pleasure.
And that’s enjoyable—to bring pleasure to this man you love. This man who is your partner and friend.
3. Allow arousing him to arouse you
There are many things that are sexually arousing. I think too many wives overlook one in particular. Have you overlooked what it means to allow yourself to be aroused by being the one doing the arousing?
When you turn your husband on (which you will do when you enthusiastically please him orally), this can be incredibly arousing for you. Yes, for you. I can’t be the only one who experiences this, right?! I find my own sexual stimulation increases exponentially when I arouse the man I married.
Oral pleasure is a gift we offer our spouse. Often, oral pleasure is a gift they simply receive… something you do to your husband, and his only part is to enjoy it and allow the moment to unfold.
There’s something quite sexy about that. When you grow in seeing it from this perspective, you will enjoy it more.
I can only imagine your deep desire for your marriage is that the two of you be intimately united. Sexual intimacy is a oneness that is unique to marriage. And we don’t have to be married for long to realize that sexual intimacy isn’t just about intercourse.
There are immeasurable nuances and touches and propositions and acts and undercurrents and intentionality that define what’s going on in a marriage sexually. Can oral pleasure be part of that? For many married couples (maybe even most), I believe it can and should be.
What will it take for you to enjoy giving oral sex to your husband?
For more reading, check out Oral Sex and the Christian Wives Who Love Giving It, as well as all the posts on my Oral Sex Page.
And for even more reading, you can cruise through my list of past posts, as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
And I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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10 thoughts on “How to Enjoy Giving Oral Sex to Your Husband”
I have been married for 30 years, and I am still finding difficulty with positioning myself so I don’t become fatigued easily. My arms tire easily when I prop myself up. My NECK begins to tense up and tire out fairly quickly. My body just does not want to cooperate. I even bought those wedge pillows from Liberator. I want to be willing, because I know he enjoys it.
This post brings a very helpful and constructive perspective to the discussion. I think point number 2 above is so very relevant for wives. Yes, a loving wife does have tremendous power in the sexual privilege of being the only lover for her husband.
Open and honest discussions can help married couples here. As well, we need to manage expectations. But, we can be encouraged in the fact that the experiences of other married couples instruct us that with time and a positive attitude, even wives who have had reluctance in giving oral sex to their husband can become free to enjoy it. There is a certain pleasure in giving one’s self over to simply pleasing one’s spouse. And in oral sex, there is a special level of intimacy experienced through the shared trust and shared vulnerability both spouses experience. Oral love is a special way of connecting with each other.
Sorry to be long winded, but a final point to consider is that, with experience and a greater comfort level, many wives also begin to enjoy the act for its unique physical sensations.
Thank you for this post and the encouragement and compassion.
In our marriage of 17 years oral sex is still a one way street. I love giving to her and know what you mean about how amazing it is to be aroused by arousing her. It’s beautiful and fun.
She still is on the begrudging spectrum. It’s maybe once a year. Usually when she wants something. I’ve suggested that it can be a small part of our lovemaking. I come to bed clean. Well groomed. But she just doesn’t want that part of me at all. It does hurt.
I try to channel that pain into grace for her. What ever it is she doesn’t like about that part of my body is very strong.
Your article helps me know I’m not alone. And that it’s not just my wife who doesn’t like that part of me. I hope someday it changes. Your writing gives me some small hope.
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We are looking at our 39th wedding anniversary this summer. I have always teased my wife about having her charged with false advertising. Before we were married, she would give me oral sex as a concession for not having intercourse before we were married. Not the focus for debate here. As soon as were married, oral sex was arbitrarily taken off of the table, but not for any of the reasons you have listed. Her reason for oral denial is that it always gave her a sore throat for several days afterwards. I have suggested that maybe my “production has changed consistency and flavour” in the last 39 years, but it is still a no-go While it would be nice (and yes, oral on her is our go-to for her orgasm) it is not a deal breaker for me.
Performing oral sex cause me pain. I have pain in my shoulder every day. Performing oral sex makes it worse. The pain goes from my finger tips a they ways up to my jaw. If i am lucky my arm goes numb. Then is my neck. It gets very sore. I have issues with my sinus so any time my face is towards the floor my nose becomes so stuffed i am not longer breathe thru it. Trying to perform while not being able to breathe is not fun. Then there is the snot and spit and sweat that gets spread all over my face. Also my hair gets pulled. I loose handfuls of hair each time.
I might be more willing to deal with the pain if he understood, but when i mention the pain he starts saying how i dont love him because i do not like causes my self pain.
I also fogot to mention the pain that is caused in my chest if i am or wearing a shirt.
For the people who mentioned it gives them pain and they get fatigued: try laying on your back and propping your head upright with pillows. Have him kneel above you and be the one on top.
I don’t like putting his penis in my mouth. I’m definitely in the “refusal no matter what category”. That’s okay because there never has been a ‘what’. Men orgasm easilly and in many different ways. BJs are not necessary especially if it causes anxiety for her. Even without any kind of sexual trauma, if she dreads making love to her husband because of it, it’s not worth it.
I’m actually a newlywed in my 50s! My husband is a few years older and wants me to give him oral almost daily. I’m willing most of the time as long as he has showered and trimmed – I love giving him pleasure. However, he doesn’t always shower and I’ve requested that he do so several times – and it’s hard to bring up as I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Also, it takes him so long to orgasm and sometimes he never does. I’m actually exhausted and it’s hard to get things done around the house. Who knew at my age?!? Anyway, I love him dearly but is this normal?