I’d Rather HAVE an Orgasm than FAKE One

orgasm-in-marriageWhen was the last time you faked orgasm?

I’ve written about sex long enough to know there are a variety of answers (and reasons) rolling through the heads of my readers right now.

Some of you (I hope a lot of you) never fake orgasm, because like me, you’d rather have an orgasm than fake one.

Some of you fake orgasm rather regularly (maybe even your entire marriage).

My guess is your reasons generally fall in one of two camps — you want to protect your husband’s ego and give him the satisfaction of thinking he has wildly pleased his woman (even if he hasn’t) OR you don’t really like sex and you fake orgasm to end sex as soon as possible.

Certainly some of you are in both camps — you don’t want to hurt his feelings AND you want sex to end quickly.

And just to be fair, I know there are some of you who have tried to explain to your husband what it will take for you to climax, and he has been less than willing to see the value in your sexual pleasure.

Regardless of your reason for faking orgasm, I challenge you to stop.

Orgasm feels incredible, unique in its sensations and the way it affects us emotionally, relationally, physically, spiritually.

Nothing good, in the long term or short term, comes from faking orgasm.

If you are faking to protect his ego, you may be temporarily satisfied with that altruistic motive. Ultimately, though, it is wrought with all kinds of pitfalls.

An obvious pitfall is you aren’t experiencing sexual pleasure. And sex without sexual pleasure is reduced quickly to mere obligation. Going through the motions. Check it off my list. This approach numbs us to the positive role and effect sex can have in our marriage.

Trust me on this — your heart will never be able to righteously reconcile taking something that is meant for pleasure and oneness in your marriage and making it nothing more than duty.

Another pitfall is it builds your sexual foundation on a lie. (That’s some shaky ground, I might add).  Marriage is hard enough. We don’t need to actively bring lies into it to make it worse, especially when those lies are wrapped up in something as intimate as our marriage bed.

Another pitfall is it perpetuates selfishness — yours and his.  What?

That’s right. Selfishness. You faking orgasm fuels a false sense of pride in him.  And it perpetuates a false sense of control in you. When faking orgasm is intricately part of your sexual encounters, you both lose sight of what it authentically means to give and receive pleasure.

Also, faking to protect his ego is not sustainable. Your motive of kindness likely will spiral to a deep root of resentment. You’ll end up angry — either at yourself or your husband or both — that you have sacrificed your sexual pleasure on the altar of good intentions.

His protected ego is no longer going to be enough to compensate for your lack of orgasmic pleasure. Even worse, trying to fake that you are just fine with faking is only going to make matters worse. I mean seriously, how wide can the distance between the two of you become sexually? Quite wide. And the toll of that is quite high.

If you are faking orgasm because you want sex to end quickly, why do you want sex to end so quickly?

This is a hard question. I know.

And I can’t answer it for you, but I can say this. Sex is intended to be an intimate, pleasurable bonding experience for a husband and a wife. The degree to which a husband and a wife navigate this will be reflected in all aspects of their relationship, not just in their bedroom.

God wants you to have freedom in your sexual pleasure. I’m not naive — I know finding that freedom is harder for some couples than others.

Some people have to heal from and overcome the damage of past sexual abuse.  Some people have to reconcile and make peace with God about their promiscuous past.  Some people have to challenge the outright wrong messages that other Christians have repeatedly told them about sex being gross, just duty or for procreation only.

If you are still reading, do you see that orgasm has a greater significance than we sometimes realize?

I’d rather have an orgasm than fake one. Because I know what happens to me and to my marriage when I climax.  I know what a positive effect it has not only on my overall positive outlook on life, but also on my relationship with the man I married.

Wouldn’t you rather have an orgasm than fake one?

For more reading, I have an entire page with posts on orgasm. Well worth the read.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

7 thoughts on “I’d Rather HAVE an Orgasm than FAKE One

  1. scott says:

    I guess when I read this topic it intrigues me to ask my wife if she has ever done this. based on the obvious signs I see when I think she is having one I would be shocked if she was that good at faking. just seems like she kind of goes out of body and seems hard to fake. maybe I am totally wet in the head.

  2. Sandy says:

    I used to fake it sometimes for both reasons. I was climaxing most of the time, but, if things weren’t building for me, it was just pointless to continue. Guess I wasn’t a great actress, because my hubby called me out on this. So I stopped faking it and there were some disappointing encounters. We never used lube in our marriage because I was plenty wet. But, we starting using it because my hubby (after 50) was periodically having a difficult time climaxing. Viola! Lube helped BOTH of us. I don’t have a need to fake anymore. BTW my favorite lube is coconut oil.

  3. Fleur says:

    I don’t support faking orgasm. However, I know myself pretty well, and can usually tell in which situations I might orgasm or might not…mostly based on how I might feel physically prior to the encounter. If I am approached when I am tired, it very well might not happen. Other factors like stress may affect it as well.
    I feel as if a lot of so called sex positive sites don’t have consideration for the needs of the lower drive partner. I might not say no to sex, but then after a post like this one might feel like they are not trying hard enough by not engaging in a futile attempt at orgasm.
    As for your question as to why someone would want sex to end quickly….they could be tired, sick, in pain, or perhaps don’t feel respected.

  4. Anonymous says:

    I will admit I have faked it a few times many years ago, primarily if I knew it wasn’t going to happen and I was tired and didn’t want to hurt hubby’s feelings. I have long since refused to fake.

    “An obvious pitfall is you aren’t experiencing sexual pleasure. And sex without sexual pleasure is reduced quickly to mere obligation.” Very true statement. Since menopause, I have difficulty becoming aroused and never orgasm anymore..sex without physical pleasure.

    I too, would much rather have an orgasm than fake one. Now I just do neither 🙁

  5. NGal says:

    What about just wanting to be close to the one you love, without expecting anything in return? I would not fake it, but neither would I consider it a useless experience just to be close to my husband.
    People have different priorities. If the main goal is just a physical climax, then it can often be attained without another human being… However, closeness and intimacy are something one cannot have without another person.

  6. H says:

    I have faked it many times to end sex. Yes, men can fake it too. A little twitching and groaning is enough and if the lights are off like they always are in our bedroom, it’s even easier. Mostly I faked it as a result of being so heartbroken over my wife just going through the motions I pretended to finish to cover up the fact that my body was giving up since my mind was no longer in a passionate mood. How can I maintain intercourse knowing that she’s not really into it? It’s so depressing that it just deflates my desire (and everything else) so I faked a climax so I didn’t have to explain that her lack of interest in connecting with me has killed my mood. This is all in the past though. We haven’t been intimate in weeks and probably won’t be any time soon if ever again. I commented on another post that I have been taking chasteberry supplements to kill my sex drive. No more begging from me. No more rejection or pity sex from her. Win win I suppose. She doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t feel like (or go through with it out of guilt) and since I don’t feel like sex anymore, I don’t feel rejected or deprived anymore. I’d rather have regular orgasm as a shared bonding experience with the woman I married but since that’s not going to happen, I’d rather not have the desire at all for the sake of my sanity. (It has been working. After several weeks my drive has almost disappeared and I am happier now. Not satisfied or loving life, but content and not as depressed.)

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