About a year ago, I pulled into my driveway one evening to find two men trying to break in our basement door.
Of course, the sudden appearance of headlights compelled them to run, leaving me and my two young boys sitting in our vehicle completely rattled.
I immediately called the police, who soon discovered that the burglars were only trying to break in the basement door — because their attempts to kick in our front door had been unsuccessful.
Yes, they tried to kick in our beautiful wood door that has been on the house since my husband’s grandparents built it in 1927.
(Side note: Deadbolts that operate from the inside with a key that is not left in the lock are well worth the investment. We used to keep the key in the lock, but when our youngest figured out how to open the door when he was 2, we wisely took to storing the key near the door, but not in it. When the door didn’t give in from the burglars’ firm kick, they broke the glass on it — only to reach in and discover there was no key for them to turn).
“So,” you may be asking, “what does any of this have to do with sex?” (Because, with me, just about everything eventually makes its way back to sex).
Obviously, my husband and I were a bit shaken by this chain of events — slightly angry at the violation, not to mention the huge inconvenience and expense of fixing a badly damaged door.
Sure, burglaries happen all the time (as the nightly news regularly reminds us). One just had never happened to us.
To add to our uneasiness, we couldn’t help but think of what would have happened had the kids and I walked in the basement door (our usual entry point) and discovered two strange men in our house.
Trust me — a thousand different scenarios begin to run through your mind when your sense of security is weakened.
Despite all the uneasiness we felt, do you know what I most needed that night from my husband?
I needed to make love.
I needed to find reassurance in one of the safest places I know — my husband’s arms and the truth of the one-flesh mystery.
Does that sound crazy? Maybe. (I’m not especially known for my steadfast sanity. Go figure).
As crazy as it sounds, I think my desire for sex that night sheds a bit of light on what happens when sexual intimacy is nurtured in a marriage — it does indeed became a sacred haven.
When all else seems unsteady, plagued by uncertainty or disappointment, there is power in reaffirming oneness through sex. Raw vulnerability is allowed to find its core.
Literally and figuratively, my husband and I were saying that night that we are “in this together” — life’s chaos, life’s joy, life’s journey and even life’s uncertainties. (You could even say we were spiritually taking a stand “for” our marriage and our family).
You see, vulnerability is multi-faceted. There is tremendous power when two people who love one another are truly vulnerable with each other.
On the other side of the vulnerability coin, we discover reassurance when relationship calms the fear-based vulnerability we feel when our world is shaken. Hmmm. All that sounds a lot like what God desires we experience with Him.
Is it a mere coincidence that God in His Word expresses that marriage is the best reflection of Christ’s love for His church? I hope not. Our relationship with Him — and our relationship within marriage — they are covenant relationships, rich with a sacredness and safety not available elsewhere.
Can sex indeed be healing?
Can it be restorative?
Can sex indeed be “safe?” (I mean beyond the counterfeit idea of “safe” that is doled out to teenagers in a way that suggests sex is nothing more than a physical transaction?)
I believe that by God’s design, within a marriage, sex is the epitome of what “safe” means. Yes, I know — for some of you reading this, your heart is breaking. Within your marriage, you long for exactly what I am describing… and for a variety of complex reasons, such soul-drenching oneness feels just beyond your reach.
My heart cries out with you. My prayer is that something — even if it is just a small glimmer of something — begins to heal and strengthen your sexual intimacy.
Tell me in your own words — in your own experience — what does it mean in a marriage? On a frightful night a year ago, I learned new truths about safe sex. In my bed. With the man I married.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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20 thoughts on “Safe Sex: What Some Burglars Taught Me”
Great post! I have never thought of sex quite in those terms before, but it makes perfect sense. Thanks for always challenging my views on the subject of sex…my husband thanks you, as well!
Thanks Renae! I appreciate the comment!
Safe sex sounds good to me. For me that would mean feeling free from the fear of rejection in our bedroom. In our house, sex is a minefield. It can be negotiated but you’d better tread carefully, and stick to known paths only. I’m not saying those paths have no joy, they do, but its dangerous.
My husband’s Dad had an unexpected accident, was in the hospital and dying in less than a day. My husband was deployed at the time and was getting back stateside as fast as he could. He came to the hospital 2 days after finding out, and 1 hour prior to him reaching the hospital, they had pronounced his Dad brain dead. It was a heart-wrenching time for everyone; and a horrible time for my hubby. His Dad was pulled off the machines shortly after he arrived to say goodbye.
Later that evening, my hubby and I made love. It wasn’t a “bow chick a wow wow” kinda moment. But it was an emotional, right through your soul kind of experience. I couldn’t do much to help him, but I could make him feel comforted as best I knew how. Afterwards, he held me, I held him and we prayed and cried a lot.
I think at that time it was a healing time for my hubby, as he needed that comfort, love, etc… so much.
This is an interesting post. I know of two similar incidents.
Once, when I had lost my job (which was to require moving 250 miles to another city to find another job and with a 3-month-old child) when I came home and explained to my wife why I was home in the middle of the day, she didn’t say anything hurtful. She merely took me to the bedroom and made sweet love to me as if to say that whatever the circumstances, I would remain her man and her hero. I don’t know where she got such wisdom but what a boost to my flagging ego that was!
The other is found in 2Sam 12:24 after the death of Bathsheba’s son that she had with David: “Then David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in to her and lay with her…”
Thank you for sharing your story of comfort through sex with your spouse. It really works.
I agree with Landschooner. Call it a mine field, or a ghost town. Both are appropriate
Thank you everyone for the comments. Thanks Ol’ Will for the mention of 2 Sam 12:24. Also, Gen. 24:67 tells us that Isaac was comforted after the death of his mother.
Landschooner and StillInLove… it saddens me that sexual intimacy is such a struggle in your marriages. I am a wife who loves sex, so whenever I hear about marriages where sex is treacherous, it grieves my heart deeply. I know that probably gives you little consolation… that I’m sad about it… but I guess I just wanted to acknowledge that your pain is valid.
Exactly what I always thought that sex really is! Thank you!
This post depresses me. I wish I had a sexual relationship with my wife like this.
Dude… thanks for your comment… I’m sad with you. I too wish you (and all all married people) had great sexual intimacy. That’s why I speak so openly about this sensitive topic.
btw Julie, Thank you for the work that you do! You’re doing a great job!
Thank you. I am praying for this type of intimacy in my marriage.
My husband is deployed right now, and I was really missing him tonight…for this very reason. Safety, security, a reassurance of his love for me…all of those things that are *not* there now with him half a world away from me.
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thank you for this article. I really wish I could have this in my marriage as well…..as a wife I want to please/comfort/be with my husband in ways I never even imagined until I married him but we don’t share emotional intimacy making the sexual intimacy hard to come by….
I also immediately thought of my husband when I read responses like those of dude and land schooner but at the very least I can’t imagine my husband doing anything to try to make it better….at least they read your article….
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I find this too overwhelming. I need to step away from all this talk about sex. I just can’t cope with it. Too much to process.
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