authentic, marriage problems, passion, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Are You Afraid of Sexual Pleasure?
Oct
Anyone who has spent more than about 12 seconds on my blog knows that I’m a big fan of sex in marriage.
You could easily assume that I also am a big fan of orgasm.
You’d be right.
(Although you may have to spend more than 12 seconds searching for the orgasm posts. They’re here, though. Trust me.)
I could make this a post about orgasm in general, but I’m really not one to want to skirt past the details.
And if ever there was a sexual topic abundant with details, it is the orgasm.
In particular, I want to focus on the wife’s orgasm for now. Sorry guys… it’s not that I don’t think your orgasm matters. I’m an equal opportunity sex advocate, and certainly the husband’s orgasm is worthy of discussion and celebration.
It’s just that most men I think would find it completely baffling that there even is such a thing as being afraid of sexual pleasure (especially within the right and holy confines of marriage).
Yet, some women reading this right now know exactly what I’m talking about.
Possibly you are one of those wives. (I say that with a tone of compassion, lest you think I’m cornering you on something that you possibly don’t even understand yourself).
Are you hesitant — maybe even afraid — to experience the intense pleasure of an orgasm?
Maybe you’ve never had an orgasm or maybe you have, but either way, that kind of intensity (or the thought of it) leaves you feeling unsettled and agitated. It is not something you embrace or anticipate with careless abandon, but rather something you question, downplay or resist.
You may even think your orgasm doesn’t matter. (Or that’s what you tell yourself because it’s almost more agonizing to have to look at your deeper feelings about orgasm. Do you find it much easier to just fall back on the rationale that sex is for him?)
Where does this fear or resistance of sexual pleasure come from?
I think most of these fears and hesitancies find their threads woven within the blanket of half-truths and downright lies about sex.
Sadly, this blanket is thrown on a lot of Christian women — often from the church or other Christian women who wrapped themselves up in it long ago.
If we were to view the blanket from afar, like it was hanging just to the right of the pulpit or folded neatly in the corner of your mom’s couch or maybe even strewn across your marriage bed, it would look something like this:
Sex is gross.
Sex is wrong.
Sex is obligatory.
Sex is duty.
You possibly have become so comfortable with this blanket that you have convinced yourself that experiencing intense sexual pleasure with your husband is “not what a proper Christian woman would do.”
You may even think having an orgasm is sinful.
You may even be afraid you will lose control (which may feel exceptionally overwhelming if you pride yourself on being in control).
But God doesn’t want you to be afraid of having an orgasm with your husband. And He doesn’t want you to minimize the significance of your sexual pleasure.
God designed the clitoris, not to mention all the other areas of a woman’s body that respond with sensations when touched sexually.
Try as we may to justify that we don’t know what it means to be turned on, I think we really do. Because I think that’s how God designed sex and sexual response. And in those moments we have a choice to either lean into those sensations and follow where they lead — or to willfully shut them down.
The choice you make about your sexual pleasure will either enrich your marriage or unravel it.
I hunger to speak hope into your life and your marriage if you are afraid of sexual pleasure — or if you simply don’t think your sexual pleasure matters.
It does matter.
The physical, spiritual and emotional dynamics are profoundly significant to the health of your marriage.
Don’t be afraid. Be courageous. Sometimes we have to completely let go and trust that God knew exactly what He was doing. And He paid attention to the details. Even the details of sexual pleasure.
In case you didn’t want to search for all the orgasm posts, here are a few worth reading…
Three Reasons Your Husband Likes It When You Climax
Your Orgasm is Your Responsibility (Mostly)
5 Reasons Faking It is Hurting Your Relationship
Some Orgasms You Have to Work Very Hard For
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
Julie – Great and importnat post, thanks!
Another version of this is being afraid of “too much” pleasure. The thinking is “once a week is okay, but more than that means you are something bad” or “if it happens when he wants sex, it’s okay, but I can’t ask, that makes me bad”.
I think fear and shame both play a role in us not pursuing pleasure. Thanks for the great post!
I can honestly say that I never before thought about the fact that God created the clitoris. I just shared that with my husband. It makes me laugh at God’s creativity. Bookmarked your page so I can go back and read some of those other posts. I am fortunately not one that wrestles with this particular topic, but pray for those out there that do.
I have to remind myself on occasion to just let go when I’m being intimate with my spouse regardless of what level we’re on. And it’s been a slow process, but God has been working in my heart and body since the beginning and I can honestly say that I’ve never been more relaxed, confident about my body, or in love with my husband as I am now. You’re totally right! It takes courage to let go and the courage God has given me is beautiful!
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“Try as we may to justify that we don’t know what it means to be turned on, I think we really do.”
I just wanted to clarify that there are really women who do have hormonal imbalances that keep them from getting turned on. I have been with my husband for 20 years and I am now seeing a sex therapist about the fact that I have no sexual desire or response and never have. After testing my lab work we found out that a bunch of my labs are out of whack. I don’t want women that have hormonal imbalances to feel any more shame than we already do about not sexually desiring our husbands or getting aroused by them. I do like many of your other points on your website though.
My husband tells me, sex is my obligation, it’s a duty to him & my responsibility to service him whenever he has the urge – that’s what wives are for … because he has a piece of paper “marriage license ” that states it’s my obligation & duty whenever he wants sex…….. and Marriage is just that “SEX”.
Ja, not only is your husband inaccurate in his thinking about sex, he is missing out on the greatest pleasure that can be experienced through sex. Yes, scripture tells husbands and wives not to keep themselves from each other. However, it is not a duty to be fulfilled, but an expression of love and respect, of trust and vulnerability. I am convinced that incredible sex only comes by focusing attention on the wife, aiming to please her more than anything else. In doing so, I have found that my wife will satisfy me more completely than she or I ever thought possible,without her even having to try. It simply comes as a response to the love and security she feels when she is honored and treasured. Perhaps this can be expressed to your husband so you both can not only experience a wonderful married sex life but also a closer marriage outside of the bedroom.
That’s sex in its right perspective ,when it’s viewed as something dirty,a duty and obligation enjoyment,spiritual/emotional connection which is an important element of sex is out of the equation.
I am actually agreed with chris about his consent of
I have found that my wife will satisfy me more completely than she or I ever thought possible,without her even having to try. It simply comes as a response to the love and security she feels when she is honored and treasured. Perhaps this can be expressed to your husband so you both can not only experience a wonderful married sex life but also a closer marriage outside of the bedroom.
even we sometime use some more fun bondage for that so we don’t feel annoying in our relationship. i mean to us sex is fun and advanture
Great article!
I loved the discussion here. Every individual has different point of view about sex. I can’t really agree with the Ja’s husband statement. Sex is not something that you can do by force.
my greatest pleasure is her being pleasured I give her clitoral orgasm before I enter her then try to make sure she gets one or two during making her feel good makes my day