authentic, intimacy, passion, sex, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles
Some Orgasms You Have to Work Very Hard For
Not all orgasms come easy.
No pun intended. I’m being serious here, because one of the most common frustrations I hear from women — one of the primary reasons they don’t enjoy sex — is that they are not climaxing.
What would things be like if thousands upon thousands of husbands rarely or never enjoyed the intensity of orgasm? I doubt anyone, least of all the husbands, would be sitting idly by, just chalking it up to “Well, that’s just the way things are.”
And yet, this is exactly what many wives resign themselves to, as if orgasm is an ala carte item available only to men on the sexual intimacy menu.
Now, I’m not saying orgasm is everything. Certainly I too enjoy the emotional connection and oneness that sex affords. Let’s get real though. Orgasm may not be everything, but it is definitely a very strong something.
Sexual intimacy without orgasm is like driving all the way across the country to see the ocean, only to simply peer at it while standing in the asphalt parking lot. Yuck.
Seriously, why come so far to not enjoy such intense pleasure (God-designed pleasure, I might add). Sure, there’s “joy in the journey,” but we would be fooling ourselves if we try to argue there ain’t a whole bunch of joy in the destination as well.
Just ask any kid if they would like to go to Disney World — just to stand outside the front gates, rather than venture into the frenzy of fun. Hmmm. Can’t you hear the wails of countless 10-year-olds, revolting with full force on the parents who made them endure airports, traffic and bad hotel food — only to stand outside the gates of Disney World? The thought is preposterous.
Suffice to say, as any woman who has had an orgasm will admit, such intense sexual pleasure is an experience unlike any other.
Thank you, God. Kudos to You for a job well done in the area of creative design.
I know what many of you may be thinking. “Did He really do such a great job? If He did, why is it so difficult for me to come? What if I really want to experience orgasm and I’m not?!!?”
You are not alone. Many wives want sexual pleasure and for a variety of reasons, they are not climaxing.
Some of those reasons may be incredibly serious, like past sexual abuse, medical reasons, significant marriage struggles, etc. In such instances, I encourage professional resources for help.
For many women, though, the reasons for not climaxing are not rooted in deep problems. The below insights may give you an inkling of solution. That is what you want, right? You want to experience the intensity of orgasm? I hope so.
You need more foreplay.
There is a bit of truth in the generality that husbands tend to be “ready to go” at even the slightest hint of sexual opportunity. And by “ready to go” I mean their penis is already hard and they could engage in intercourse as soon as you both can get your clothes off (or even partially off).
For many women, though, foreplay is a bit more complex. It can take awhile to relax. And relaxation generally is what is conducive to sexual readiness. So, what turns you on? You’re going to have to educate your man.
We need to let go of this idea that we can “assume” ourselves into hot sexual passion.
In other words, don’t assume your husband will know what you need. And don’t let him “assume” that you know what he needs. Talk. Talk about caressing. Talk about touching. Talk about words. Talk about what feels good on all parts of your body. Talk about acts of kindness. Get specific. Really, really specific.
The more you entertain this kind of dialogue, awkward as it may seem in the beginning, the more you are creating circumstances that will make climaxing more likely in your sexual intimacy.
Understand your own body.
The clitoris is fickle little organ. It is not quite as predictable as the penis. It doesn’t always respond the way we think it should. For this reason, you as the woman really need to first understand your clitoris yourself before you can really be in any position to teach your husband how it “works,” so to speak.
If you have never had an orgasm or you have difficulty climaxing, I encourage you on your own, while alone, with your fingers, to bring yourself to climax. I know some people gasp at that thought. For a Christian wife, it seems to fly in the face of modesty or it reinforces the lies we’ve been told about the genitals being dirty.
I’m keeping things real here, though. Do you really want anything, even your fears or insecurities, to prevent you from experiencing sexual pleasure with the man you love and married?
The clitoris often needs more stimulation than women or men realize. One of the best ways to determine the amount and type of stimulation is by stimulating yourself. Your goal, of course, is that what you learn you can then share with your husband, so that he too knows how to best touch you, caress you and help you enjoy sex.
Together you can try different positions, different ways to use your hands, your mouth and your entire body. For all we think we know about sex, there usually is still a lot more to learn.
It’s true — some orgasms you have to work very hard for. The hard work is in the vulnerability and authenticity only you and your husband can bring to your sexual intimacy.
My theory as to why climax does not come so easily for most women is that God desires that we go to great depths emotionally and relationally to experience sex as He designed it. If both a husband and a wife could always easily climax without genuine communication and effort, then I don’t think sex would hold the significance it truly is.
Likewise, if it was extremely difficult for both genders to climax, I think we would possibly give up too easily. Instead, God has allowed for a situation that almost necessitates that a couple pour tremendous heart and effort into experiencing sexual pleasure. See, there’s a method to His madness.
That’s my theory at least. Would love your thoughts though. Do share. And retweet and share this post, okay? That’s what it takes to shed light into dark lonely places.
Copyright 2010, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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Very good article. Very insightful…sniff sniff, SOB. It is a dark and lonely place, know what you need but not having anyone listen.
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I very much appreciate your article. I found your blog listed on another site and decided to check it out. I find it refreshing and encouraging that a Christian woman is talking openly about God honoring sexual intimacy in the marriage! Thank you for your openness and insight! Keep up the wonderful work.
As a wife who RARELY goes without an orgasm, I am saddened that so many are living without. My husband is such a great guy. HE actually can stimulate me better than I can. The one thing I disagree with is that you should try stimulating yourself with your husband, without him expecting anything, just watching. But as I’ve said, he knows me better than I know myself, and that’s the key. Also, an unselfish husband (one who wants you to have an orgasm before he has one) is a good idea too!
I appreciate the encouragement. I get tired of never having one and then I just assume that’s the way it has to be. My husband is really great and he wants it for me more than I want it. (He’s the one who found this blog.) I found this comment interesting, “Instead, God has allowed for a situation that almost necessitates that a couple pour tremendous heart and effort into experiencing sexual pleasure.”
I just don’t understand why it has to be difficult for the female in this department.. Why not make it easier for females to come and harder for males?? It’s not like they have to give birth to a child
Wow, Julie! I love this blog… I just found it today and just have to reply.
The WHOLE post hit home, but particularly for me was this part:
“My theory as to why climax does not come so easily for most women is that God desires that we go to great depths emotionally and relationally to experience sex as He designed it. If both a husband and a wife could always easily climax without genuine communication and effort, then I don’t think sex would hold the significance it truly is. Likewise, if it was extremely difficult for both genders to climax, I think we would possibly give up too easily. Instead, God has allowed for a situation that almost necessitates that a couple pour tremendous heart and effort into experiencing sexual pleasure. See, there’s a method to His madness.”
It seems to me that, since so much of the Christian life is like that — that is, to be an effort of our will to focus on Him and His kingdom — that sex must be no different.
Now perhaps this will help others: When I realized how much I desired to turn around my marital intimacy (and whole life) and focus it on God (and that God wanted that, too!), I simply asked Him to do it. I asked Him as one with no power to change my wife’s desire for me. Sometimes I felt that He heard me and that everything would be alright; sometimes it felt like He was an “unloving father” and it was something that He wouldn’t give. Eventually through struggles and daily prayers for this and other things, I, through tears and great emotional pain, agreed that whatever He wanted is want I want. And now, after six months of walking with Him strongly (and very imperfectly, I might add), she and I are growing much closer. Our intimacy is much better.
Six months ago, I was demanding sex. She was refusing. We fought. Then I pulled back and “gave it to God.” Now, she is much more receptive and seems to understand — seeming to me that this is wisdom from God, even the Holy Spirit prompting her — how important our intimate times, our own emotional connectedness is.
We’ve got further to go, to be sure, but the Lord has brought us far. And so I know, in faith, that more blessing is to come!
So please pray (ask) our Father for what you need!
Julie, thank you for your ministry.
I love your site, mainly because it validates me as a sexual being even though I am a Christian wife. My husband loves that fact, mind you, but I struggle with the feeling that I shouldn’t be as sexual with him as I am. I love how you aren’t afraid to tackle certain topics, such as masturbation & oral sex. This site is VERY empowering to Christian wives as well as husbands, and I thank you for it! God bless!
Thank you Renae for the comment… I think one of the biggest barriers we as Christian wives have to wrestle with is embracing our sexuality — appreciating it, nurturing it, and expressing it fully within the safety and exclusivity of our marriage. This truly is what God desires for married couples.
Thanks too for your affirmation about the site… please point others to the site so we can continue to shed healthy light in this area of sexual intimacy.
Blessigns!
I appreciate you having the courage to blog about these topics, but I have to say I cannot believe you are actually encouraging women to stimulate themselves. This is mortal sin for God did not intend our sexual intimacy to only involve ONE person. This could & does lead people down a slippery slope. Turning to ONESELF (& then maybe porn, on so on) for pleasure. I read your pornography love letter in which you wrote well. (It kind of is in tune with The Loser Letters by Mary Eberstadt – where she tackles many Christian truths with satire).
Anyhoo – just putting it out there as I would ENCOURAGE you to seek further truth on some of this subject matter. In all honesty I would encourage you to expand your studies and look at things from a Catholic perspective so you can be FURTHER informed from various “directions”. Peace in Christ!
Thanks Kat4life for the comment! I think this is an area where we will have to agree to disagree. I am encouraging women to stimulate themselves — under the right circumstances and with a goal of better understanding their bodies so they can then help their husbands understand. I don’t believe this is a mortal sin. I recognize completely that self pleasuring is a point of disagreement among Christians. As with anything, I do seek truth through God’s Word and through prayer, and I don’t arrive at the interpretation that masturbation is wrong.
However, as liberal a viewpoint as that may sound, I actually do not have a “free for all” approach to self pleasure. I’m going to address that in a future blog posting, because I definitely agree that in some circumstances, the “slippery slope” to which you refer does exist. But to say it exists for all people in all circumstances is a bit of a stretch.
To use another example, there are some Christians who believe drinking alcohol is wrong; and there are some Christians who believe it is not wrong. Both argue their cases from a Biblical standpoint… different interpretations of scripture, of course. Those against may even say that taking one drink of alcohol can take people down a slippery slope. And yet, there are many people out there who have an occasional alcoholic drink and do not go down any slippery slopes at all.
Anyway, I do appreciate your comment! I love this kind of dialogue. Obviously, there are many points of faith and scripture interpretation upon which Christians disagree. That’s part of our journey of faith! Have a blessed day!
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Thank u for this wonderful article and blog. I believe it help many wives to understand they are not alone regarding a sensitive issue like this. Me and my husband are happily married for 4 years and an active sex life too. We both enjoy each others company and he is reaching there ( i am not sure thinking so)and me left behind. After an year of marriage i felt that it is not in me becoz everywhere it is said that “that is something amazing in this act ” and I never felt it like that way.
But 2 or 3 times i felt reaching somewhere near to that and once i think I reached. but it is always when he do the oral. he is very kind to do that for me and he dont mind to spend much time down there. but I feel guilty during that time becoz the whole act is for me and not for him.And I never reached there during our intercourse. Do you think I have any serious problems or can I reach der with some help. I used some breathing techniques but never worked. And I want to know that what it would be like and how you know you reached there or how I can ask him whether he is hitting the right point coz I am afraid if he will ask me in return then I dont know to explain my situation without hurting him.( coz he s a person who want me to see der). Thank u once again for all u r doing.
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Thank you for the post. I have been married for over a year with no orgasm. I’ve gotten close but no O. Trying not to bruise my husbands ego has stood in the way of a happy sex life. Just going along ready or not is ignorance. While I don’t want to abstain from sex getting my husband to meet me emotionally and physically in a place we can both enjoy is a challenge that I’ve needed encouragement to face. I’ve tried and tried. This website has given me ideas for new approaches.
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This topic brings me to tears often. 7 years of Christian marriage and I’ll climax 1 out of 25+ Times of intimacy. He is resistant to looking for medical help for dysfunction. I am emotionally disconnected from him and even though I’ve never refused him, my needs are never e r as important as his pride. I’ve given him a list of what I like, nothing out of the ordinary, pressure in a kiss or a touch but he won’t listen. I’ve been secretly crying after for 7 years. I can’t even begin to believe God created this to be enjoyable.
I’ve been married for 4 years and the amount of sex we have has ALWAYS been a problem – I’m wanting WAY more sex than he’s willing to give.. And he’s not giving much. I mean we’ve gone months without it.. And on average probably have sex twice a month. I feel like he doesn’t want to have sex with me because I haven’t orgasmed. He feels like I get nothing from it.. Even though, like you said, the journey is part of the fun.. And I LOVE being intimate with him more than anything. But sex happens so sporadically that I don’t even feel comfortable with my own body yet.. Like I couldn’t give him direction if I wanted to.. Because it rarely happens. So each time we do have sex, I feel extreme pressure to have an orgasm, and it never happens. How does he expect anything to change magically when I never get a chance to explore the situation?
I’ve been married three years and started having sex on my wedding night. My husband was very disappointed when I didn’t climax on our honeymoon, I still haven’t. I can clymax on my own with a toy, never with my hand, and it can easily take 30 minutes or more. My husband doesn’t usually have the patience for that. Am I broken? The girls at work are always chatting about how good sex is with there boyfriends and how they scream and moan. How can they be having so much fun in sin, but I can’t even clymax with my husband. There are days when I wonder if he made a mistake choosing me, I can’t seem to figure out how to give him a good time, I must be a lowsy lover. He waited for marriage to have sex and got me. The best i could think to do was just give him sex whenever he wanted; but that caused me to develope Vaginismus. Im better now with treatment, but I still don’t know what I should do.
@Victoria: Relax and PRACTICE. It may help to stop masturbating as well. You have to learn how to orgasm, and if you’re teaching your body to respond to a toy rather than your spouse then how is your body gonna learn how to respond to your spouse? You know what spots work for your toy, but you don’t know what spots work for him.
Sex is fun; it’s not supposed to be a big, complicated, stressful ordeal. Not in a bad way, that is. Take the time to revel in the fact that every inch of his body is yours to admire and touch, and he should do the same for you.
And for those coworkers/girlfriends who are talking about how they scream and moan: maybe they are experiencing orgasms like that. The important thing to note is that they’re missing out on the real connection that occurs between a husband and wife. Broken? Hardly. You’re not broken – you’re whole. Which is why when you finally do experience an orgasm during sex with your spouse, it will be more meaningful than a million orgasms with a stranger. It will be more powerful, and it’s something you will NEVER experience in any other setting. Period. Please believe me when I say that.
Victoria – My wife had a similar issue; while I was able to get her to orgasm, it would often take 30-40 minutes or more. Frustrating for both of us, to say the least.
Two things helped – 1) she got a complete hormone workup by an anti-aging doctor (not an endocrinologist – anti-aging is a separate specialty); it showed that she had zero testosterone production. While women should not have the same amount as men, you need *some* for a normal sexual response.
2) She had some deep-seated issues stemming from being threatened sexually by men years before we met. Some she was aware of, some was locked away in her subconscious. Those feelings of dread would creep in when we started foreplay and it could be next to impossible for her to shut off those bad thoughts. She spent several months in therapy (including some hypnosis), which worked tremendously.
Between getting her testosterone up where it needed to be and her learning to disassociate *our* sex life with the bad experiences in her past, it is much easier for her to climax. Sometimes we take 30-40-50 minutes just because it’s fun, but 5 minute quickies can happen too – something I would have thought was impossible a few years ago.
I have been with my husband for almost 8 years now. We are high school sweethearts and first loves. Baby #1 came last year. But even before our daughter, I’ve never been able to climax with him. I would hate to hurt his ego by saying that it’s never happened for me, so I fake it. 8 years of faking it and I’m getting very frustrated. He wants sex all the time, and sometimes I oblige… But only so he’ll stop asking. This(and other things) are causing more issues (severe depression, fighting) that are leaving me exhausted. Do I break the news that I can’t O? If so, HOW?! I know doing so will break the trust he has in me ( especially since it’s been so long). But I need this to happen… For me, for my marriage!
to “Never Have I Ever”,
1) There is probably no need for a “full disclosure” that will cause harm your marriage relationship. Instead, why not teach him by saying “I REALLY like it when you…”, and then show him what you like. He will follow your lead and learn what you like.
2) Try not to fall into the trap of thinking that you must have an orgasm each time that you have sex. Relax and enjoy. Try not to worry about performance.
3) You might try adding some variety. Some relaxing playtime might be good for your relationship.
blessings…
It was very comforting to realize that I am not alone. I have been married nearly 5 years and gave up any hope of having an orgasm some years ago. we have sex twice a year when my husband is away from work on leave, and during the Christmas holidays. That is about four sexual experiences the whole year. The rest of the year, i make do living like a nun, and when the pressure becomes unbearable, i masturbate…which makes me sad and guilty. I have tried praying about it, but there’s been no change over the years. And i have not found a christian counselor in my country that has addressed sex the way you have. So while i am still in my situation, i am grateful to have found someone that understands where i am, and yet who still sees sex as God’s creation. Of course, as someone who has struggled with masturbation since my teenage years, i have always felt that this was my punishment (the lack of enjoyable sex in marriage) and i well deserve it. Still, thank you for the blog, for the first time since i was married, i feel the peace of being understood.
I enjoy sex with my husband a lot and feel lot of pleasure that comes in waves which is very good. However it is only if i touch my clitoris that i reach climax. I dont feel bad when i do it as hubby would do it for me if only he could not loose his concentration on it which is hard when obviously he is busy himself, so for easyness i do it myself. My problem is that i do not want to sin and as i know masturbation is bad, i keep on thinking that what i am doing is wrong. I did not talk about this to anyone as it is too private so you would forgive me if i don’t publish my name. Please scriptures will be very helpful. Thank you
Orgasms weren’t always allusive, but since menopause my body has become sexually unresponsive. My doctor tells me it’s the decreased hormones that are no longer stimulating the sex center of my brain resulting in decreased genital sensations.
I don’t even crave an orgasm anymore. It’s a good thing because It’s been years since I’ve had one orgasm.
Actually, genital stimulation has become irritating, not pleasurable. My body has sexually shut down plain and simple.
To everything there is a season.
Been married over a year – was a virgin when I got married, husband had experience (thankfully one of us did) – talk about clueless! It has been a very hard and discouraging time, I struggle to enjoy sex and have not had an orgasm – very discouraged and disheartened… read probably 6 different books on the subject and can’t seem to find anything to help unlock my ability to feel pleasure during intercourse. Struggling. Wondering what I waited for.
IWish,
I’m just curious. Have you told your husband that you really like. Want and need to have sex with him more often. That it helps you feel more desirable?
If so, what was his reaction?
Husband came from a worldy background (many sexual experiences) before giving his life to God a few years before we were married. I was a virgin when we got married but struggled with masturbation beforehand. I thought that getting married i would be able to experience orgasms especially since he had experience sexually and i knew what pleased me etc. However he doesnt want to do anything that i actually enjoy because he says its things from his past and he doesn’t want to slip into his sinful past ways again. Ive tried talking to him so much about it but he never listens and says im trying to get him to go back to his old ways when i suggest us to try some sexual things (which i dont find sinful at all). I did orgasm 1 time a few months ago through clitoral stimulation during sex but he said for him he felt that he was useless and that i didnt need him to enjoy pleasure so we havent done it since. I dont know what else to do, ive turned back to masturbating because its the only way i can orgasm. Advice??
Miss anonymous,
Probably more than one anonymous, but I am addressing the lady concerned about helping herself along by taking care of herself while her SO is otherwise occupied. If you are both together this is NOT masturbation, correct? I would say no as long as he knows you are, and why.
Masturbation is a SOLO, selfish act WITHOUT the SO present. Whichever SO that may be at the time. Usually secretly so they don’t have to be “bothered” with fulfilling their OBLIGATION to the other spouse.
One of the best things that ever happened for our marriage was when we kind of showed “EACH OTHER” what worked best “so to speak”. But the other spouse each has to know first, do they not? At different stages of life this may be all that is possible, so don’t kid yourself. It is important to know these things about each other to fill this need. Now it is a favorite way to mix things up for us. And smoking hot to watch. HA! Don’t think so? Ask and see, you might be pleasantly surprised. A whole post on this on XYCODE site. I don’t have the link though I doubt I could paste it in here.
We have since slid into other issues over 32 years, regrettably, but the journey doesn’t end, does it?
Clitoral stimulation is almost always required. Period. Is it wrong to do so yourself if you are both in a position that spouse cannot even reach this area? Really? I definitely do not think so, or wouldn’t we have been created a little differently don’t you think? Maybe extra, or longer arms? HA!
Contrary to popular opinion, this is why D-style is one of most favorite I think. Easier to get to “all the goodies”! HA!
As a wife to a man who really wants me to have the pleasure of this elusive yet wonderful moment in time, I feel saddened to read the comments of so many who haven’t found it. I am also more thankful that you write here, in this loving and helpful way. This is a very important topic. Lovemaking can make or break a relationship. Lack of it can destroy a good marriage and abundance of it, can keep together an otherwise bad one until the bonds of marriage are united. Marriage needs this intimacy. I pray you continue your ministry in this way to help married couples enjoy the wonderful gift from God as intimacy in marriage.
I have such a difficult time having an orgasm. My husband is wonderful and wants this for me so badly. I can’t seem to relax my mind and body enough to totally let go and allow God to bless our intimate time together.
I’ve never had problems with orgasm. My husband is very giving. However, lately they have not been as intense. I’m thinking from the article it’s because I need more foreplay. We used to do a lot more, but now we have 4 kids. What do you do about that? We would both like a long time, but we just don’t have as much time at the season. So what do we do?