intimacy, sex, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual sin, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Pulling Back the Sheets: Genuine Dialogue Among Christians about Oral S.ex
Here’s a question. When was the last time you were in your small group or out to breakfast after church, and someone casually offered up this as a conversation starter: “What do you all think about oral sex?” Let me guess. Never, right?
It’s not that the topic of oral sex isn’t a worthy one to explore. It’s just that the thought of such a discussion creates not only extreme discomfort, but also a spectrum of opinions. It touches upon something incredibly personal. If we are honest, we recognize that even within individual marriages, opinions often differ, sometimes to the point of tremendous discord. Call it deeply-engrained human nature, but we tend to not run with enthusiasm into contentious (or potentially embarrassing) conversations. So, oral sex remains a rarely-discussed topic among Christians.
Then there’s me, a Christan gal who actually wants to generate dialogue on controversial sexual topics. (I know. I’m a freak of nature). I just want to keep it real (even if it means I’ll get spam-listed, relegated to hang out in people’s email junk folders).
In all seriousness, I believe that the questions we fervently avoid will undoubtedly torment us — either in our own minds or within our marriages. I don’t know about you, but I’ll take some uncomfortable out loud dialogue any day over silent isolation. I don’t want to talk about oral sex in a disrespectful way, but rather in a way that gets at the heart of bewilderment causing angst within marriages.
Is Oral Sex Okay in God’s Eyes?
Before we dig into that question, let’s first try to get on the same discussion page.
As the term implies, “oral sex” is indeed sex, contrary to the opinion of some singles (particularly teenagers) who try desperately to convince themselves otherwise. Search all we want on the relational landscape for a way to experience and/or give sexual pleasure and still “technically” abstain, and we will always arrive at the same reality: Human-derived “technicalities” will never give us a God-approved pass on sin. Never. Oral sex is sex, and sex outside of marriage is a sin.
(I find it a little ironic that there is even a debate over whether oral sex is really sex. Any act that is described with the word “sex” is… uh… sex).
So let’s talk about if it is okay in marriage. That is the lens I am peering through: Is it permissble for a married couple within the privacy and exclusivity of their marital intimacy to give and receive oral sex? (For definition purposes, oral sex is a husband stimulating his wife’s vagina and clitoris with his tongue and mouth, and a wife stimulating her husband’s penis and testicles with her tongue and mouth, sometimes to the point of orgasm, but not always).
Is Oral Sex Okay Biblically?
Christians collectively will never definitively agree on this. Bum deal. No clearly-spelled out command exists in the Bible regarding oral sex, which means we are left to our own prayerful interpretation. I am not opposed to oral sex within marriage, but I simultaneously respect that some people do not share my sentiments. That’s cool. We can all be friends on the playground. No hard feelings. (I personally believe it’s okay to baptize babies too, and none of my “by- immersion-only-when-you-can-proclaim-faith-on-your-own” friends have banned me from their barbecues.)
As theological and spiritual debates linger about oral sex, here are some points to consider:
Some argue that oral sex is not permissible because it cannot create a baby. I think this is a weak argument, because…sorry to state the obvious… but we often have sex when there is no possibility of creating a baby. In fact, the vast majority of our sexual encounters in marriage do not create a baby.
If sex could only happen when a life could be created, then we wouldn’t have sex during pregnancy, or when we are not ovulating, or if we are infertile, or after menopause and so on. Yet, we have sex during all of those circumstances (as well as many others). We have sex because it is about so much more than procreation. And we know this.
Some would argue that the book of Song of Songs in the Bible (nestled between Ecclesiastes and Isaiah) is the strongest scriptural support of oral sex. Most Christians believe that one interpretation of this book is a beautiful depiction of marital intimacy. It is within this book of the Bible that we find verses that some people believe celebrate oral sex as a valid sexual expression in marriage (Song of Songs 2:3, 4:16, 5:1, 6:2-3 and 8:2). The book itself is not a lengthy read, and Christian authors have written commentaries on it, if you want to dig deeper into it.
Regardless, though, on whether someone feels Song of Songs supports oral sex, I think another barometer offers even better clarification. If we can rationalize that it is allowable to kiss and be kissed other places besides the lips, then how do we arbitrarily draw a line where no visual line exists?
Here’s what I mean — if we feel it is okay for a husband to kiss his wife’s neck…or her breasts…or her hand…or her navel…or her forehead… then how can we rationalize that her entire body is not permissible ground (and vice versa for her expressing herself orally with him)? How close is “too close” when the mouth nears the genital region? There is nothing that would indicate such a line exists. Sex is much more of a full-body (and heart and soul) experience than it is a compartmentalized experience. One need to look no further than the role of foreplay in our sexual encounters to know that sex is rarely about the simple physical act of intercourse. This is especially true when sex is a valued and nurtured part of a marriage.
Yes, I have both feet firmly planted in the camp of oral sex being permissible within marriage. Even so, I do think wisdom is in order. I believe adamantly that sexual intimacy that honors God to the fullest is built upon a foundation of sacred covenant love, trust, respect and kindness. That being said, if one spouse is forcing another to perform or receive oral sex despite their reservations or convictions, then the foundation is crumbling badly. Healthy intimacy is not about forcing anything sexually. Ever.
Some readers have asked me about oral sex beyond the biblical angle, wondering about the physical aspects.
Is Oral Sex Okay Medically? Can It Hurt You?
I’ll begin this with a disclaimer that I am not a doctor, so don’t take any of this as official medical advice. I do feel at liberty, though, to offer some common sense insights. As for whether oral sex is harmful physically, obviously it is harmful if sexually transmitted diseases are involved. Oral sex involves the exchange of bodily fluids and close skin contact, which is often how sexual diseases are transmitted. Speak extensively to your doctor about any concerns you have that oral sex could cause you or your spouse physical harm.
Also, it is extremely important that a husband not blow into the vagina, particularly if his wife is pregnant.
When disease does not exist, is semen harmful if swallowed and are the fluids and bacteria within the vagina harmful if swallowed? I’ve yet to read or hear anything from a medical professional that would even remotely suggest that it is harmful to ingest semen or vaginal secretions (when no disease exists mind you). Semen is essentially made up of proteins, enzymes, vitamans, sugar and sperm. Sure, it’s not a pina colada, but it’s not liquid acid either. It is harmless if swallowed.
Why is Oral Sex Such a Difficult Topic in Some Marriages?
In my conversations with many wives, the debate happening in most marriages about oral sex usually is not a moral one. Most wives aren’t wondering, “Is it okay in God’s eyes for me to do this?” Most who have reservations are thinking, “Do I really want to do this?” Or, they have already made up their minds that they “definitely don’t want to do this.”
Husbands, on the other hand, generally are in the camp of wanting oral sex — receiving and giving. I haven’t read any studies as to why this is, but I am guessing it is because husbands who have experienced oral sex generally enjoy it (or they have heard it feels good and want to experience it). And, if you talk to wives who enjoy receiving it as well, it’s usually because their spouse has figured out how to do it in a way that is incredibly pleasurable.
Which brings me to another point. If a couple determines oral sex is a welcome aspect of their sexual intimacy, are there suggestions on what can make it enjoyable? Here are some ideas worth pondering:
- Shower before hand (maybe even shower together, which is fun). Concerns about cleanliness and odors of the genital area can quickly be resolved by coming to bed clean.
- Ask for and give feedback. As simple as oral sex seems in theory, in practice the intensity of pleasure can vary greatly depending on how oral sex is performed. Unfortunately, husbands and wives don’t intuitively come into marriage knowing what their partner is going to prefer sexually. You don’t need to run out and buy Cosmo to figure out how to give pleasure. You and your spouse simply need to specifically and lovingly guide each other and communicate. “I like it when you ____________” or “It feels really good when you ___________.” The key is to be specific. The clitoris and the head of the penis sometimes need more pressure and stimulation than we realize. (Some Christian sex books actually address in detail how to give oral sex).
Finally, my last suggestion is that oral sex not become the only form of sexual intimacy in a marriage. There is something tenderly unifying about a husband’s penis within his wife’s vagina, so to completely toss such encounters aside would be foolish in my book.
I believe God has granted us tremendous freedom for creativity within our marital sexual intimacy. As long as no third parties are involved and neither spouse is being hurt (physically, emotionally or spiritually), then I think God delights in a couple fully embracing their sexual experience, going to sacred depths of vulnerability, love and pleasure.
For more reading on oral sex, there is a great page over at Paul and Lori Byerly’s site. It addresses oral sex and a wide variety of other topics that compel couples to ask “What’s Okay? What’s Not?” The Byerlys are really forerunners in talking openly and thoroughly to Christians about sex.
I also really like how Marla Taviano talks about oral sex in her book “Is That All He Thinks About” (one of my favorite Christian sex books, by the way. Just to clarify — Taviano talks about all aspects of sexual intimacy, not just oral sex). Nearly all of the other Christian sex books also address it, so you are not lacking for resources.
As with any controversial topic, there are not easy solutions. If the issue of oral sex is a source of contention in your marriage, I encourage you and your husband to seek God’s wisdom, to pray, and to honestly discuss how you each feel. I’m not saying this is a guarantee that you will arrive at a place of unity on it, but I do think your odds are greater when you press into God’s heart and Word.
Let’s be about shedding light and generating dialogue, even when the conversations get uncomfortable.
Copyright 2010. Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Julie,
Thanks for taking this on, and kudos for doing a great job.
“When was the last time you were in your small group or out to breakfast after church, and someone casually offered up this as a conversation starter: “What do you all think about oral sex?””
Happens a couple of times a year, actually. But then we are also freaks of nature! 😉
On the issue of “is it sex” a group of college gals once asked Lori that, and she stopped them dead with something like “It is when my husband and I do it.”
I suspect men are more open to oral than women in part because men tend to have fewer “hang-ups” about sex organs. Even today a lot of women think their genitals are ugly and “nasty” – and that’s hardly conducive to letting their guy get his face down there.
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hey Paul! Thanks for the reply! I love what Lori’s response was to the group of college girls when they asked “is it sex.” Beautiful!!
You’re right… I agree that men do have fewer hang-ups about sex organs. Also, I think guys have fewer hang ups about the messiness of sex.
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This author has done an excellent job of covering all of the issues that come up when the topic of oral sex is discussed. Sadly, it is true that most women, and not only Christian-women, seem to hide or avoid the topic altogether. I agree that a lot of that has to do with preconceived notions like “down there” is too dirty or too ugly to talk about with anyone.
It is strange that women get that idea about their own bodies and that the thought supercedes the fact that God made us that way. We are beautiful to Him, but we still refuse to believe it sometimes. We constantly compare ourselves to others and feel as though we cannot compete. Our spouses tell us we are exactly what they want and yet we suspect that they only tell us that to make us happy. Why do we do this to ourselves?
It took me a long time to learn how to love myself, but once I did life was awesome. I can hear those precious words from my husband and believe them. When he says he wants me, I know he truly wants only me. When he tells me my body is the perfect match for his, I know that he really believes it. Knowing that and trusting in that is just as real as knowing and trusting that God made us for each other.
If you are reading this and have any doubts about how God made you—STOP DOUBTING! Don’t be afraid to talk about how oral sex makes you feel. Your friends and even your spouse may be feeling the same way. Be the one to open the dialogue and just see where it can take you. If someone gets offended, I bet it is only because that person never expected to actually face their own doubt. Someone else’s issue should never prevent you from your right to be real!
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Hi Julie, I am a guy and love your website, just can’t get my wife to read it though.
On oral sex, I absolutely love to give it although the wife is a little shy about it. We have been married 25 years. She never offers to give back, which I am ok with, although it would be nice. I wish I could get her to be more open in general about sex, hasn’t happened yet.
Rob
Thanks Ron for the comment… I am glad you like the website. Sorry you can’t get your wife to read my blog. I have found that wives either love me or loathe me, depending on how much they want to nurture sexual intimacy in their marriages.
julie
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Hi Julie,
Came across your website in my search to find support that it is okay for a Christian married couple to have oral sex. I am 52 and give it willingly to my husband and so wish he would do so in return with me,but he uses the excuse that it is not what a Christian should be doing and is sinful,he tells me this when I ask him or when I am performing oral sex for him. I hope he is much more understandable after reading the list of comments left here on your site having to do with oral sex in a Christian marriage. Any other help would be appreciated. Thank You,
Judy
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I must confess this is really educative and an eye opener.
Thank you
Hi J!
I’m Christian Wife that thinks that oral sex It’s NOT ok. DONT worry… It’s only ’cause I thinks that is like masturbate your partner and if God is not agree with that, Why Should “masturbate” my husband and He does that to me too? If god creates sex for two… Oral Sex Is not that selfish?
Then, I read Songs of Solomon and find myself confuse. I read this article and you’re right… If we can kiss another parts of the body… Why don’t our “down”?. Then, I found that oral sex can you give some diseases… And I don’t have idea what to do.
Can you help me with this issues?
Thanks!
very educative,i like oral sex but my wife does not like it. wish I could convince her to read your write up
Hi-I’m a Christian woman married to a Christian man for 34 years (we are in our mid fifties). I personally believe that there are very few restrictions in “the marriage bed”. Actually, I enjoy oral sex with my husband….I feel like it just shows him how much in love with him I am. And I guess if your considered a freak for engaging in it 2 or 3 times a year….I must be a super freak. Haha. It’s more like 2 or 3 times “a week” or more. I would challenge anybody to research what God says about marital sex in the bible and there is also a wealth of information on other Christian sights as well. When Gid gave us “sex” He did a wonderful thing.
Very good post
I was a virgin and very innocent when I got married at 28. My husband was as well. He expressed interest in oral sex early on, but I was not comfortable with it. However, about 20 years into our marriage, I decided I needed to get brave and surprise him. WOW.. it has really blessed us both! I found, after pleasing him this way several times, that I was very turned on by giving him a blow job. I have done a 180* on how I feel about it and love giving it as much as he loves receiving it. I know that he would love to have me give him a BJ in the car sometime (but now while driving…to dangerous : )…and I am trying just waiting for the right opportunity to surprise him with that.
I love your site…and your openness to discuss real questions on a very human level! I think that we who are committed Christians are sometimes afraid to pursue the fullness of our sexuality in marriage in fear that we may dishonor the Lord…which is, in my opinion, something that the enemy takes great joy in…and succeeds in destroy ing marriages through. My husband and I are committed to not let the “dirtiness ” of the world steal any of our sexual intimacy that God had give us!
Great for you Catherine!!! “…. Not let the dirtiness of world steal any of our sexual intimacy that God has given us.” What a wonderful line!!! THAT is the ENEMY! The THOUGHT that sex is bad, dirty, disgusting and wrong. That THOUGHT PROCESS is so incredibly destructive to what could be really great marriages. This blog is a WONDER in that regard—-the attempt to let us see how we are, and have been, HELD CAPTIVE by such thoughts. God did not give women a clitoris just to add another body part. It serves a distinct purpose—-sexual pleasure and terrific intimacy and love with your spouse. YOU keep writing!!! Keep repeating that the “dirtiness thought” hampers and ruins relationships. Sometimes we as Christians “shoot ourselves in the foot” with our own foolish thoughts. Thank you. John R
We Christian couples have been shamed by the lies of satan long enough. Our marriage has had its trials (why?) no body but God knows. But until a couple decides to receive the freedom our sex lives will be limited because of the perversions of the world. We need to ask ourselves what is inappropriate sexual conduct in marriage? Answer any thing that is selfish and also desiring sex outside of marriage. My wife has had troubles understanding this so have I. But what a joy to express our love for each other using our freedom sexually. For us oral sex works best it’s clean intimate its manly and womenly. I enjoy the pleasure she receives and she loves my manly body so much that semen tastes good to her.
Thank you very much for this piece of advice.I have always thought oral sex was bad and as Christian couples,it’s a no-go area but after reading ur write up,I feel bleesed.My way of thinking has changed.Now I know there is nothing bad with couples giving blowjobs to each other.Tnx a lot.Keep it up.
My wife and I have reconnected after many years of a sexless marriage. The first thing she did was give me oral stimulation. It was and still is a wonderful, exciting, mind blowing, intimate, exquisite, sexual experience. For 3 or 4 afternoons a week we crawl into bed naked and make love for a couple of hours. It is always oral on me and manual on her. Since I have ED, we cannot, as yet, have intercourse. So I enjoy oral very much. However, every time I try to pleasure my wife orally, she gently pushes me away. She enjoys manual but refuses oral or a vibrator.
Q: Is there anything I can do? Should I insist on pleasuring her orally? Should her objections be considered as honest or just an embarrassment?Thanks, Mike
@Mike… I don’t think you should insist on pleasuring her orally, but do try to have honest conversation to see if you can understand more about her hesitation. The more you can foster healthy communication about it, the less chance for misunderstanding.
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My wife said to me last Sunday afternoon I wonder if our married couple friends our own age have as much fun with sex as we do? I said its not something we talk about but how I wish we could. As an older couple (59/55) we feel younger sexually then 10 years ago and we have oral sex to thank for that. We see it as a way of entertaining each other. Its always a little differant experience because we talk to each other about what we might do for each other based on past experiences. We have never been closer.
Great oral sex is the glue that helps hold a marriage together! Couples who enjoy a full sexual relationship, most likely will always have a happy marriage.
I wonder what comes first good sex or an unselfish aditude? For us it was understanding not a soul needs to know what we do behind closed doors but if they knew how much it has improved our marriage they would never judge or would they? really I don’t care God watches us ever time and I’m sure He approves. It’s so priceless how we have pleased each other lately. We always have oral foreplay and sometime it gets messy? and sticky but nothing is more rewarding then a woman that lets me please her and she says the same thing. I even ejeculate on her face sometimes❤️
The question is how do couples achieve rewarding and intimate sex without ruining the marriage because of impatience with each other and playing the blame game. One thing you both need to understand you can’t sin in bed or for that matter anywhere as long as you both are ok with it. Two every couple has body styles that need to be figured out. Accept what physically won’t work. For example we can never have rear entry sex just the wrong tilt with a small vagina and a huge penis. What is a man to do divorce over it? Not For every women out their listen men like it when you enjoy his penis. For both husband and wife out their keep things clean squeaky clean. For women out their shave every neatly and always invite your husband to find your clitoris with his tongue. (Go ahead lay on your back legs apart. It may take a year never force the issue. The same goes for men ask but never anything more and wait and she will take the bait eventionally. The rest will be an interesting adventure. For us we are young agian no shame.
Oral sex can give you throat cancer, and men are twise as likely to have it because of more hpv virus on the womans genitalia. Hpv virus is normal to have on our genetalia. It does not do any harm until it is coming up in other plases in our body. So if we are createt with that on or geitales from God, i have hard to believe it is a blessing…..
@ Lisa:
HPV can be contracted through promiscuous sex, yes. But, if both spouses are virgins at the time of their marriage or do not have HPV when they marry, oral sex is not going to give them oral or throat cancer. It is not the act of oral sex, but whether someone is already infected with HPV that is the problem.
Lisa,
A woman who has HPV on her genitalia probably got it from a sexual encounter. It doesn’t just wander down there.
And, HPV is NOT safe for women. It is a direct cause of cervical cancer. The throat cancers you reference are caused by that same virus.
Your mouth also routinely has cold germs. So, is kissing prohibited (or should it be)?
People have to go to their armpits by going around their elbows to believe that Song of Solomon is not opening up a view that oral sex for a couple joined in marriage is a gift to them to enjoy.
I have read that many younger people are indeed engaging in oral sex before marriage because they are under the impression it’s “not really sex”. They think that if they don’t have vaginal intercourse, they are still virgins.
This automatically increases the odds of these “virgins” contracting HPV via an oral route before marriage. HPV can also be spread via rubbing genitals together or finger genital play. So, it is possible to get HPV and still be a virgin…depending on your definition of virgin.
Most people avoid kissing when they know they are sick. The problem with HPV is that it is often asymptomatic…..people don’t know they have it.
According to Martin C. Mahoney MD PhD, Chair of Roswell Park’s Cancer Prevention & Detection Center, “About 70-80% of adults in the US show evidence of current or prior HPV infection”.
Oral sex within a marriage not affected with HPV? I believe it all comes down to matter of personal taste 🙂
Just wanted to say your site is a God send. My husband and I are in our 70’s. He has ed, but we are believing for a miracle. Like you we know no one that discusses this stuff. I’m sorry to say that I have gone back and forth on oral sex, but yesterday I googled about oral sex and being a Christian and found your site. Really has helped and to know there are others dealing with it. So needless to say we had a great time this morning.
To Deanna & Frank
As the husband of one wife with protection of the Holy Spirit committed no matter what life throws our way having built character and character drives our marriage from selfish to selfless. If your husband has ed it may be all in his mind. When I was younger now we are later fities we had sex troubles but a good marriage considering all circumstances. Today oral sex is our sex life and it’s such fun. When you pull your husband under the shower with you and start washing his penis and whisper in his hear what you are planning to do to it it may do wonders for your day. When I read between the lines and think of you two you may discover youth again threw oral sex. It takes time to develope what works best. My wife actually developed a like for the taste of my semen and not a soul knows that’s part of the fun (only God?) I sometimes laugh to myself when she plays piano for church worship and I’m thinking about what we have already talked about as activities after church. Yesterday I played with her clitoris for at least 30 minutes. Using only my tongue and reading her facial expressions. PRICELESS when I finally let her orgasm OH My goodness I hope the neighbours had there windows closed. Then she returned the favour what a pro she has learned to become. Just a word of caution semen is hard to get out of her hair after I rub it threw.
Deanna &Frank
Read my wife’s comment Jan 2016 let me know how it’s coming along Mary N is my wife and it’s all so true and so normal for us
Please I hope you don’t take offence because I wish all couple had great sex like us . Please write a response I need an up or down on weather to share more.
Has any one out there ever been falsely accused. I have Now I get some kind of idea how Jesus felt.
Accusations also come up from the devil in the area of married sexuality. When the understanding of anyone’s freedom in Christ come up (in any area of the Christian life for that matter) my reaction is always won’t tell someone about your freedom in the bedroom or any other appropriate place were your sexual desire is lived out. Always hold your tongue and be sure it’s not misunderstood. The same is true with your sex life with your spouse. Waiting for your spouse to be free from guilt and shame in your sex life as a couple is part of being the servant to him or her. But when all walls of shame are broken there are no limits to your adventures that can be fisicially achieved. Oh how I desire this for all Christians that have become one flesh before God.
Thank you so much. It has been helpful to me. My my husband enjoy oral sex and I used to think is ungodly act.
God bless you
Deanna & Frank,
Very Interesting. We are 73 and I have Incontinence (ED) permanent after prostate cancer. Oral sex on me My wife has tried but gets tired before I orgasm ( no ejaculate). Any suggestions on procedures for my wife would be appreciated..position, mechanics, etc. Thank you.
I’ve met a lot of broken people in my life. I’m able to understand them because I’ve been there. That’s why sex can be used as a weapon by both the devil as a tool of shame and by God as a tool of healing. I just told my wife again this morning how I can see Gods hand in bring us together. How in my youth sex was something I thought would heal every hurt. NOT TRUE! I walked away from hurting girls that won’t to loved by offering sex. Why? Because of the knowledge that if I gave in I would have to marry them and I wanted to wait for the one God chose for me. So after all that to be married and then to find out there were many problems really really hurt. But hurt is not a bad thing. From the perspective of looking back. Hurt heals the relationship with God. That relationship is still broken because my life and my wife’s life are not yet perfected. But today we understand all this. Maybe some day one of us will not be healthy enough for sex yet we treasure the relationship as it was and what is to come. But in heaven we will not be married or given marriage according to Jesus. Heaven will be amazing better then anything we can enjoy while still in this broken body.
Sharing this hoping it might help some other soul on the Internet. Long time struggle with sex life with wife of 12 years. Have a great marriage, and getting better all the time, but she never ever liked oral sex. It was there at the beginning of marriage but somewhere in the middle disappeared. I, as most men do at some point in there lives, had a struggle with a pornography addiction, which when I confessed and repented made things worse. She totally withdrew for almost a whole year, sorting things out. No oral sex whatsoever. It was a real punch to my masculine sense of worth! But I hung in there, trusting that the right thing was to keep loving her and giving her as much time as she needed. Well – we are at one time a month. That is a lot less than once a day I dream of and a lot more than never. Compromise. It is still not her favorite thing, but I go way out of my way to make it as pleasant as possible – shower, grooming, back rubs for her, etc. And it is now at the point she “doesn’t mind”. Lessons I wished I would have learned earlier – 1. Find a way to make it nice for her. It is classic conditioning folks. If you repeatedly do something and it is associated with bad stimulus, you’ll learn to hate it eventually. My bad for letting my wife “serve” me at times I knew she did not like what she was giving, which only made the next time more likely to be a negative experience for her. 2. Be honest. Be forthright. Communicate your needs and wants. But while doing that always make sure she knows she is valuable as your wife, not a sex object, and that even if it never happens again you are still 100% in the marriage. That was hard. There were nights I’d sit on the couch alone just beating myself up about what went wrong and fight hard the next day to still love her when I was feeling like dirt. You’ve got to dig deep and love your spouse exactly where they are at, even if it hurts you. I’ll throw in a third bonus point – never, never, never use porn. Harmful, ugly, addictive stuff that is. — Maybe some day we’ll get above once a month. My wife loves me and we’ll find a way to balance both of our desires. She’s not a candy machine and I don’t get to push buttons and get what I want when I want it. It is always a temptation to think “if she loved me then she would…” – that’s a dangerous thought. Always consider what your spouse is experiencing and don’t be quick to conclude that they are withholding from you. If you don’t have confidence that they love you enough to want to see you satisfied and happy, forget about sex and deal with that first. Just my 2 cents. This website and this article in particular helped me along the way – just hearing how much others have struggled too. Hopefully this comforts and councils someone out there.
Don’t worry about erection or ejeculation. Give each other lots of time and keep coming back to the job. You will enjoy the trip
Oral sex is sinful and perverted. As Christians we’re to live a holy life and not succumb to lustful practices. Indulging in oral sex is giving into lust and isn’t part of a loving relationship. It’s only in the last 50 or so years that it’s become acceptable in society and now it’s being imported into the church. We should realise that we’re to restrain ourselves and not live as those do who aren’t Christians. Paul says “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;” (2 Thessalonians 4:3 – 5 ESV)
@Edward … thanks for stopping by to comment, but we’ll have to agree to disagree. I think oral sex is fine between a husband and a wife who are fine with it. In that case, it wouldn’t be sexual immorality. It would be sexual intimacy.
The bible says if we offend our brother or sister by our freedom in Christ we are sinning by doing things that become a stumbling block for someone else. Its been my hope that those that feal as strongly as Edward about sexual freedom within marriage would never venture our way and look up sites like these. Maybe I should rethink what I’ve been doing. The reasons Edward gives, my wife and I would of given our selves years ago. Had we just suppressed our sexual needs we would of gotten along in life and just lipped along. But is it wrong before God how we please each other? It’s not dirty or selfish we never hurt anyone by the love we have for each other and I know God is not offended. But yet I say I’m so sorry you had to read these comments.
I wish we more oral sex than we currently do. I give to to my wife at least once or twice a week. I get it like once in 3-4 months. We talked about it from time to time, she simply does not enjoy it, although she says she like my smell and cleanliness. I’m becoming very frustrated with our sexual life. And believe me I make her feel loved all the time, I know my wife needs connection outside the bedroom, but I don’t believe that anymore. No matter how hard I try, she has minimal interest in sex, let alone oral, I feel like giving up.
@Men Posting Here – This may sound impossible to you, but hear me out. I think more women than you know can relate to what I am about to say as painful as it is to remember.
Have you considered that your wife may have no idea what sex means to you? Or that she thinks less of you as a man because you want sex?
For years, I had a resentment of my husband’s constant pursuit of sex with me. And the more I agreed, the more he asked. The more ‘not vanilla’ I allowed, the more ‘not vanilla’ the requests got. I felt like he was treating me with such disrespect. He was hurt and angry at my refusals when he got them while I considered his reaction petty and childish.
Once in anger I told him, “Our three year old acts better about being told he can’t have candy than you do about not having sex.” He was enraged – and his next words set me on a course of learning about men and sex that lasted two years. “How dare you equate my love for you to wanting junk food! Is that how you see me? I finally understand. I’m just so unimportant to you that you feel nothing rejecting my love for you.”
In total bewilderment, I asked him, “But what does your sex drive have to do with your love for me?”
He stared at me gobsmacked.
I felt my secret humiliation bubbling up again. I finally just said it without worrying about his reaction. “Men have sex with women all the time. Women they just met. Everywhere you go, you see men using women. You say you love me and want me to do all these embarrassing things. Things prostitutes do. Things men hook up with loose wonen to do. How is that loving? How is that treating me with honor and respect? I’m a stay-at-home mom. You pay for everything. You demand or beg for sex acts.
Well, forget it. I won’t be your whore no matter how hard you try to turn me into one. I will keep my self-respect. So, stop asking for sex. It’s not happening any more.
And don’t ever say you love me again. Because you’re just a liar. No man who truly loved his wife would ask her to do things she’s said that she hates just because he wants it.
You want oral sex or this other stuff? Go pay for it. I can’t take the emotional pain of being degraded any more.”
My husband screamed at me, “WHO do you think you are? How DARE you accuse me of thinking of you like some sex slave? What are you talking about?”
I answered very coldly. “Love and sex have nothing to do with each other for men. I know you just want to use me. I’ve tolerated it for years, but now I’m done. You have no idea the emotional damage you’ve wrecked on me. I hate sex with you. It’s the most degrading, shameful – I can’t even talk about it.
And when we are in bed, you have the audacity to say you love me before you ask for something weird again. Don’t lie to me.
How stupid do you think I am? I’m not some 15 year old girl in the bed of a truck.”
I finally looked at him and was shocked to see that he looked hurt, crushed, almost destroyed. I couldn’t understand why. To me what I said was so obvious. I was sure my pain had been intentionally caused by him. In my eyes, he was so wonderful and I loved him, but his sex drive was my arch enemy. I hated his desire for sex. It caused nothing but fear, shame and pain. I thought that if only we could stop having sex, we would have such a great marriage.
After staring at me, he blurted out, “I’ve never been so humiliated by anyone in my life. Thank you for making plain what you truly think about me. So, you are rejecting me and my love. You think me a disgusting pervert. You hate my body while I can’t get enough of yours. Don’t worry. I won’t bother you any more with my disgusting sexual advance. I’ll never touch you again!” He started to cry and stormed out of the house.
I couldn’t understand his reaction AT ALL. I began to wonder why he was so hurt. I decided to get what I needed to show him that he was wrong and to justify myself.
Two years later, I got on my knees to him and begged him to forgive me. Through this site and others, I studied and learned for the first time that love and sex ARE paired for men. I learned how men think which is so radically different from me. I learned that sex is a way he feels bonded to me. I learned that his sexuality is tied to his sense of being and personhood in a way that mine is not.
After he forgave me with much suspicion and doubt and fear, I set about to heal him. I started by sitting him down on the bed and stripping for him before being on top for the first time ever. After we got through his furious accusations that I must be having or had an affair to cause such a change, he is now a very happy man. He now also understands how I used to feel and why. All pressuring and badgering for specific things are over. My ‘no’ means ‘no’, but he hears a lot fewer of them because he has proven that he is safe. I can be vulnerable with him without fearing his reaction or that it will be a gateway to his trying to make me do something I’m not comfortable doing like he used to do in the past. And I haven’t heard the dread, hated “If you will just try it, you’ll like it. And if not, won’t you just do it for me?”, guilting me into doing something that crushes me emotionally – before he rolls over to go to sleep while I cry myself to sleep wondering what I’ll have to do next to “earn” his love while making sure he never sees me weeping after sex-like used to happen in our first ten years.
Guys, your comments concern me. You may not know as much about the “why” she’s saying no or is resistant as you think. I was ready to leave my husband over what I considered his “emotional cruelty” to me. Instead of talking about what you have to do to get it, why not ask her to tell you what she does and doesn’t like about your sex life or her perfect sexual encounter? If she doesn’t immediately, openly tell you, that’s a huge warning sign that you may not be “sexually safe” in her mind. If that’s the case, you have much bigger problems. But if you solve that, everything else like oral sex (which is at least 4 times a week for my husband now) may just fall into place.