April 28th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

 

It's wedding season.

And I can't help but to reflect back on a wedding I attended years ago.

The pastor looked at the groom during the ceremony and boldly said, "Son, you better satisfy her sexually. Or someone else will."

Wow.

You could hear the collective gasp in that sanctuary.

But you know what?!

That pastor was full of profound insight.

Sure, we can think of a few other ways he maybe could have said it (like maybe that they should both satisfy each other sexually).

BUT, honestly, I passionately believe his point was spot on.

Sex matters in a marriage.

And the sooner we help young marriages realize this, the BETTER.

I'll be headed to my niece's wedding early this summer, and I can't help but ponder about what young marriages really need these days.

Actually, it's what young marriages have ALWAYS needed.

Solid information about sexual intimacy in marriage.

Think about how much better off marriages would be if they could start with a healthy perspective on sex?

Think how much heartache would be prevented?  How much sexual struggle could be minimized if a couple could build a solid sexual foundation from the get-go, rather than try to repair the sexual disconnect years or decades later?!

No, I'm not so naive to believe that building a strong healthy marriage all comes down to sex.  I know full well that marriage is hard and takes tremendous commitment, sacrifice, compromise and investment on all fronts.

But still this truth remains: When sexual connection is ignored, downplayed or relegated to the "we'll get to nurturing it someday," the marriage suffers.  There is no question about this.

Don't even get me started about the infamous "someday."  I remember telling myself that in my first marriage.  You can read more about my story here.

Sex matters in a marriage.

Today, I encourage you to do a brave and wise thing.

Invest in the young marriages you care about -- the ones that are about to begin and the ones that are still in their early years.

When I co-authored the book Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage, my heart was to make a difference in marriages -- to help them be PRO-ACTIVE in pursuing amazing sexual connection.

pursuit-of-passionMy book is available in eBook, audio book and PRINT, so you have many options.

It's comprehensive and biblical and specific encouragement, so I have no doubt that ANY couple could glean nuggets of gold from it.

Even if you don't want to buy my book, there are countless books out there by Christian authors.  We really have no excuse for not helping couples discover true intimacy in their marriage.

You can find out more about the various buying options for Pursuit of Passion at this link.  Or if you are an Amazon fan, you could just go directly to the Amazon link.

At any rate, give the perfect gift this wedding season.  Invest in the marriages you care about.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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Posted in authentic, intimacy, orgasm, passion, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , , ,

intimacy-in-marriage
April 21st, 2016 by Julie Sibert

 

intimacy-in-marriageIt was raining as we crawled beneath the sheets, the sound of water running down the gutter outside our window.

The song "Who'll Stop the Rain" weaved its way into our conversation in the dark, as we laughed and cuddled and lay naked next to each other.

And we were trying to remember who sang that song originally.

(We also were trying to remember the first name of a kid who our oldest son played baseball with several years ago, which really had nothing to do with the rain song. But it helps paint a picture for you of the randomness of our conversation).

Anyway, in our attempt to remember the song, I racked my brain for other lyrics in it, but came up blank.

I rolled over and grabbed my phone and did a search.  (For the love of God, what did we do before the internet?! Seriously.)

It's Creedence Clearwater Revival, by the way. Released in 1970, the year I was born.

So we played the small portion of the song, and I tried to join in right before the clip ended, which my husband, laughing, unabashedly said, "You added nothing to it."

So true.  And we laughed about that.

What's my point in sharing all this with you?

There's something to be said for connecting with your husband before you drift off to sleep, regardless of whether you have sex.

(Although, I might add, we did make love after all this, if you can believe it.  Maybe having finally identified CCR as the artist, not to mention my stellar vocal contribution, lent well to putting us in a playful mood.  Midway through foreplay, I remembered the name of the kid our son played ball with and I mentioned it to my husband. Which, not gonna lie, seems kind of weird to think about now as I tell you.)

Anyway.

My beloved and I have had some of our most endearing conversations and connection in those moments between awake and asleep -- the moments that are intensely personal, private and full of the kind of knowing that is harder to find in the busyness of daily life.

It's sweet, sweet connection, and it's one of the reasons we try on a regular basis to crawl into bed together.

I wrote a similar post about this awhile back, where I pleaded, "Keep me in the dark please."

Do you and your husband try to go to bed together at the same time?  I know it's not always possible.

But strive toward it every now and then, okay?  God offers you a profound opportunity in those moments between awake and asleep.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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March 26th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

It's a dilemma.

And more often than not, it's a dilemma for wives, whose husbands want to do something sexually that really turns the wife off.

Just to be clear, let's remove from the picture anything that biblically would be off grounds.

I've talked before about what's okay sexually.  As long as exclusivity is maintained (no third parties real, portrayed or imagined), neither spouse is getting hurt (physically, emotionally, spiritually), and the Lord doesn't expressly forbid the sex act in question, then I think married couples have tremendous creative liberty in their marriage bed.

Even within permissible sexual creativity, though, it's not surprising that some couples can't agree.

What turns one on sexually is a big turn off to the other one.

For example, a husband may be turned on by giving oral sex, but his wife doesn't like it.  It's not that she thinks it's off limits biblically; it just doesn't turn her on.

Or a wife is really turned on by receiving oral sex, but her husband doesn't like giving it.

Maybe a husband is aroused by seeing his wife in lingerie, but she can't stand putting it on -- feels self conscious or objectified, even if that's really not his heart's intent.

Or a husband loves the feel of his wife's breasts on his penis, but she doesn't care for this.

These are pretty tame examples.

I'm sure if we bantered at length over coffee (you know, in your average everyday roundtable talk), we could come up with countless specific things that turn one spouse on, while turning the other spouse off.

If you reflect on your own sexual intimacy and see a few scenarios that would fit this dilemma, what should you do?

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

1. Is our sexual intimacy a unique blend of giving and receiving?

Sex in marriage should never be about one spouse's sexual desires and requests always superseding the other spouse's.  One of you can't hold all the cards of being able to deny something or desire something.

That's just not mature. And it's just not fair.

As a married couple, you have to learn a dance of sexually giving and receiving.  Ultimately, that is how you reach a place where you both enjoy sex and pursue it.

Maybe you could share this blog post with your spouse, and the two of you together could humbly look at your intimacy in a new light.

2. Do we have reasonable expectations?

If it turns your husband on to have you lick his testicles, his request isn't necessarily unreasonable -- unless he expects you do this every time you make love and/or he's never willing to take steps to make the experience more tolerable for you (like taking a shower before sex).

Another example would be you as a wife desire your husband use a vibrator on you, yet your husband is turned off by this. How can you arrive at good middle ground where the vibrator is included in your lovemaking some of the time, but not all of the time?

I think the only way to reach reasonable expectations in sexual intimacy is honest communication.

So, if there's something that really turns you on, don't be vague in your desire about it or wait for your spouse to read your mind.

Express your desire maturely and compassionately.

And if your spouse shares with you something they would really like sexually (that isn't off limits, as we've already clarified), make your best effort to hear them and honor them.  You gain great marital harmony with the words, "I wouldn't mind trying that every now and then, but not every time."

Key to all this is respect.

If you say you don't mind trying it every now and then, you need to make intentional effort to indeed include it every now and then.  And do it with a generous heart, rather than doing it begrudgingly.

Doing something sexually with a chip on your shoulder is a real mood killer.

3. Am I turned off because of pre-marital promiscuity?

Dig deeper as to why something is a turn off for you.  Sometimes, if something was part of your or your spouse's pre-marital promiscuity, it can take effort to grasp that context means everything.

For example, if you are turned off by oral sex or sex in the car or sexual play in the shower simply because those were things you did before you were married, I encourage you to entertain a new perspective.

The same sexual experiences in the context of your covenant marriage are rich with possibility of sweet and sacred sexual oneness.  You are married. Sex is no longer a forbidden playground.

4. Have we asked each other what turns us each on?

Sometimes it's just a matter of learning new ways to arouse each other. You can do this either by asking and/or by simply trying new touches, techniques or ideas.

The more you focus on what you both like, the broader your sexual repertoire when you crawl beneath those sheets.

What is surprising to some wives and husbands is that they didn't even know something was a turn on until they tried it.   This is certainly the case with me and my husband. I'm not going to share the details, but there are things we've done sexually that I never would have imagined would have been so arousing.

But wow.  Just wow!

And I'm not just talking about him arousing me, but also what it feels like to bring sexual pleasure to the man I love in new and creative ways.  Turning him on is a turn on for me, even if the particular act wouldn't be my first choice.

When all is said and done, you have to decide mutuality is a foundational cornerstone to your sexual intimacy.  If what turns your spouse on turns you off, don't let that be the end of the conversation.

There's more sexual ground to explore to better nurture your intimacy.  Like I said, you might be pleasantly and shockingly surprised at the turn-ons you discover along the way.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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March 24th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

It sounds like you'll get a medal or raise a trophy with a plaque that says "Sex Champion!"

Well, not exactly.

Although, if they were handing out something like that, I'd want to be first in line!

So maybe you don't get to stand on a podium, per se, but certainly the Lord is well pleased any time He sees His followers speaking up about what's important to Him.

That's my eloquent way of saying, "Will you be a champion for sex in marriage?"

I was thinking about all this as I was coming down from the emotional high after a few friends and I put on a Pursuit of Passion Event on March 5 for engaged and newly-married Christian women.

It was all about helping them get their marriages off to a great start sexually!

We planned and poured our hearts into it and PRAYED that God would show up.  And boy did He!

Thirty women attended. And they were grateful to have other Christian wives speaking so boldly and specifically and biblically about sexual intimacy in marriage.  One gal said to me afterward, "If I had known it was going to be this good, I would have told more women to come!"

My friends and I aren't just trying to be champions for sex, we are also trying to create a few sex champions along the way.

Our vision is to build generational patterns of nurtured sexual intimacy.  Passionate, frequent and mutually-valued sex in a marriage -- that's our heart.

Sadly, as someone who blogs about sex, I hear too many stories of Christian wives who have heard nothing positive about sex from other Christian women. Nada. Or what they did hear was minimized to only a barrage of don't-do-its when they were teenagers or "it's gross, but your obligation" when they got married.

Tragic.

Compound that with too many Christian couples not knowing where to turn to help them build authentic sexual intimacy, and it's no wonder we don't have more sex champions.

If anyone should be the loudest sex champions, it should be married Christian couples.

(Okay I admit, that last sentence could be taken a few ways. Possibly I know too much about loud sex. But I digress.)

If you don't know how to be a sex champion, it's your lucky day!  I have IDEAS!

First, if you have children, be sure to have ongoing age-appropriate conversations with them about godly sexuality.

Don't just focus on the risks of sex outside of marriage, but give equal air time to the passion, oneness and infinite richness of sex within marriage.

Let those kiddos see you and your spouse being affectionate and playful with each other.  No, they don't need to see or know the details of your intimacy.   But there's nothing wrong with particularly the teenagers knowing you have sex.

And regardless of their age, all of your children will benefit from seeing your appropriate physical affection with each other.  They learn a lot about marriage from watching the two of you. Be a sex champion.

Second, speak favorably about sex in your circles of influence.

Don't be the wife at the Bunco party or office or moms' group who casts sex in a bad light. Don't lament about "it's all he ever wants" and then roll your eyes in disgust.

While your friends don't need to be privy to the details of your sexual intimacy, there's just something refreshingly attractive about a wife who speaks positively about sex with her husband. Don't be timid to say that it's something you both enjoy and both look forward to.  Be a sex champion.

Third, mentor younger couples about the importance and richness of sex.

As a wife, do you know a younger wife you could encourage?  Could you speak into her life about sex and marriage?   As a married couple, could you and your spouse together speak into a younger couple?

Yes, it takes courage, but you'll be saving them from a world of hurt later in their marriage if you help them establish a good sexual foundation now.  Be a sex champion.

Fourth, consider bringing an intimacy speaker into your church or small group.

There are a handful of us out there who are willing to stand in front of anyone, whether we know them or not, and talk openly about why nurtured sexual intimacy is so vital to a marriage.

I love talking about sex.  Love it.

(A good friend of mine says I'm the only person she knows who can so casually ask her about sex in her marriage with as much confidence as I would ask her what she's making for dinner or how her job is going).

Make sexual intimacy the main focus of a conference or make it a break-out session.  At any rate, get the conversation going.  Be a sex champion.

Fifth, keep investing sexually in your marriage.

Want to try a new position?  Want to find new ways to be sexually playful?  Want to better understand what turns your spouse on?

The more you nurture sex in your own marriage, the more enthusiastic you are about sex in general.  Be a sex champion.

The reality is we need more champions.  Instead of being paralyzed in fear or disgust over the ways society has skewed God's gift of sex, start to tune your heart toward what you can do in your own home and community and church to raise the bar.

What can you do today to be a sex champion?

You may not get a medal.

But I guarantee sweet Jesus will be smiling.  Your spouse will be smiling too.

Everyone will be smiling.

Because everyone loves a champion.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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Pursuit of Passion Resize
February 17th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

 

Pursuit of Passion ResizeIf you are an engaged or recently-married woman in the Omaha, Nebraska, area, you have a great opportunity March 5, 2016, to invest in your marriage.

Some other Christian wives and I want to give you biblical and practical tips on what it takes to have great sex in your marriage.

You possibly think sex will be no big deal in marriage... that authentic intimacy will come easily and you won't encounter struggles.

Or maybe you are already married and you're enjoying sex. Awesome!

Or maybe you've already encountered a few struggles and you wonder what it will take to build the sexual closeness you've envisioned with this man you fell in love with.

Whatever your circumstances, we encourage you to come to the March 5 event and hear not only what God has to say about sex, but also what some experienced wives have to say.

We want to pour into you, because we know nurtured intimacy is worth it!  It's so worth it!

All registered attendees receive a copy of my book Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage. Plus, we will have door prizes of books, gift cards, and more!

Register today at www.PursuitOfPassionEvent.com.  You won't regret it!

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

PURSUIT OF PASSION:  Now Available in PRINT and Ebook!

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great orgasm
February 13th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

great orgasmIt's one of the most common complaints wives have about sex.

They never or rarely have an orgasm.

Today I offer up some wisdom for you husbands who want to help your wife experience amazing sexual pleasure (wives, you'll want to read too!)

Men, here's what I would say:

1. Check your ego

I don't know what you've heard in locker rooms or from guy friends or read in magazines or worse -- seen in pornography -- but if you want your wife to have a great orgasm, you might want to arrive on the scene with a healthy dose of authentic Christ-like humility.

I know.

It doesn't sound overly sexy to admit that you don't instinctively or instantly know how her body works.  (Stay with me here, because I'm getting to the tips you really want).

There's nothing sexier than you caring so much about her orgasm that you are willing to learn from her.

Truth be told, her body is not the easiest landscape for her to figure out either, which brings me to tip #2:

 

2.  Be a leader!  Be a follower!

As for your wife's sexual pleasure, it's a learned art, and the two of you are going to have to be students together on this one.

I hear from husbands who admit, "I don't know what she wants."  Well, she probably doesn't know what she wants either when it comes to what it will take for her to have an orgasm.

Or she does and she's having a hard time communicating it.

Or she knows how to communicate it, but she's afraid of hurting your ego.  (I know. Ironic, considering point #1).

So, all this leaves the two of you in an interesting predicament.

Best way out of that predicament?

Be the leader and say to her, "Your sexual pleasure is important to me.  I want us to learn what will help you have an orgasm. Making love isn't just about my sexual pleasure.  It's also about yours."

Now, you have to be a follower too. Invite her to give you feedback and show you what feels good for her.

A great sexual goal for the two of you is that you both feel safe and vulnerable to talk about and try new ways to arouse each other.

As long as the intimacy is happening exclusively between the two of you, neither of you is getting hurt, and you aren't doing anything that is specifically forbidden by the Lord, then you have tremendous freedom to explore.

Go ye forth, wise man, and explore your wife's body!

 

3.  Ask her what helps her get in the mood for sex.

I wish I had a stock answer as to what it takes for a woman to be in the mood for sex.

Some wives love a hot relaxing bath or neck massage before getting it on with their husband; and for other wives, a hot bath or massage is just going to put them to sleep.

Some wives think it's totally sexy that you would say, "Honey, I'm going to get the kids tucked into bed. And then I'm going to do the dishes. You take the time to do whatever you want."  

And for other wives, they like it better when the two of you together get those adorable little monkeys off to their cages beds, and then you both clean up the kitchen.

Here's the thing. I don't know your wife.  But you do.

Ask her what will help her relax before the two of you head off to the bedroom.  Relaxation and being in the mood for sex will increase the likelihood that she'll enjoy sex, maybe even pursue a mind-blowing orgasm.

And mind-blowing orgasms...wow. Just wow. Those are nice.

 

4.  It's not all about her clitoris.

Originally, I was going to title this tip something boring like "more foreplay."  But I thought throwing the word "clitoris" in there would better pique your attention.

I had you at clitoris, right?

Great sex for a wife isn't all about what is happening between her legs. It's also about a good mix of touches and kisses and arousal happening all over the rest of her body.

(Some women find it surprisingly arousing when you caress the back of their neck and just under their arms down the sides of their body and breasts, as well as play with their hair and caress their scalp.  Might give those areas a try and see where it all leads).

Yes, I know it may feel frustrating it takes a woman more time than a man to become sexually aroused (generally speaking).

Instead of this frustrating you, let it motivate you to make sure that by the time she wants to climax hard, your effort on foreplay will make the experience exhilarating.  For both of you.

 

5.  Well. It's quite a bit about her clitoris.

See, you knew I would come to this point eventually (no pun intended).

No shocker, but a woman's body is complex.  And no part of it screams complexity louder than her clitoris (and her sexual arousal in general).  What works one night may not work the next.

But God -- being a good and gracious God -- put the anatomy there for a reason.

And the only purpose of the clitoris is her sexual pleasure.  That's it.  It's just waiting for the two of you to figure out how it works.  Word to the wise, your hands and your mouth and her hands will be incredibly helpful in this learning process.  Just sayin.

 

6. Deeper and harder is not always better.

Again, I don't know why guys think rigorous and deep thrusting is all it takes to rock her world.

It's not that deep thrusting never has its place, but be careful or your deep thrusting will cause more pain than pleasure.

As a husband, you wouldn't be the first one to think that thrusting deep and hard is what ultimately brings her to a sexual peak --  when all the while, the majority of the action that matters most to her needs to happen right above the entrance of her vagina, at her clitoris.

She may enjoy deeper and harder, but let her take the lead on this.

Better yet, ask her to be on top, where if she embraces this position, she'll discover she has quite a bit of control over the pressure and stimulation on her clitoris.   You might like a post I wrote called Sex Positions for the Rest of Us.

 

7.  Commit to high standards of sexual integrity.

Sexual impropriety is a big turn off for wives.

If pornography and/or adultery are your thing or even if you let your eyes and heart wander toward other people, that's a big problem.  It makes her feel less than, and it certainly doesn't arouse her.

When you commit to high standards of sexual integrity, you are telling her with your words and your actions that she alone is your desire.  She is more likely to feel sexually safe with you.

And when she feels sexually safe with you, she's more likely to be sexually vulnerable and pursue sexual pleasure with you.

And that, my friend, is where all the hot sex lives.

 

8.  Touch her affectionately when you both are clothed.

If you've always used physical touch to indicate you want sex, then you're going to have to rebuild her trust in this area.

You may have to say to her, "I know in the past whenever I've touched you, it seems I've had the motive of sex. I'm sorry about that.  Will you forgive me?"

Then say, "I'm trying better to show my love for you, and one of the ways I long to do that is to touch you.  So when I hug you or hold your hand or kiss you, please receive it as love."

Of course, it's not that your physical touch can't have sexual undertones occasionally.

In fact, I think that's the tenderness you both want to nurture -- that you become so attuned to each other's touch while clothed that you can read between the lines when indeed something sexual is being communicated.

I know that touch is not everyone's love language, but I've yet to see a healthy marriage that can go too long without a good amount of non-sexual and sexual touch.

 

9.  Tell her what sex means to you.

One of the biggest misconceptions too many wives have is they think sex is just sex for a guy.

But nearly every husband I hear from tells me otherwise -- sex is about being close to and feeling loved by the woman next to him in this thing called life.

Does your wife know what it means to you when the two of you make love?

Does she know that it brings you great joy and affirmation to see her overcome by an intense orgasm?

Does she know that when the two of you have amazing sex, you feel better equipped to do nearly everything else in your life (working, being a dad, volunteering, etc.)?

Anyway, for a lot of wives, it can become a huge turn on once she knows she is the one who is it for her husband -- the one who exclusively has the privilege to sexually arouse him and fulfill him.

Help her understand what sex means to you.

 

10.  Occasionally, make sex all about her.

I know this seems to go against my generally heralded belief that sex is a mutual experience.

But seriously, every now then, there's just something about focusing completely on her sexual pleasure. (Yes, the opposite is true too -- there are times it should be all about your pleasure -- but because this post is about her orgasm, we'll stay on point).

Even though a lot of women won't admit it, many are aroused by the idea of being pursued sexually.

They are captivated by what it feels like when their husband lovingly, yet with much determination, makes her sexual pleasure the only priority in that moment. There's just something about being taken, so to speak.

And a nice side benefit is you are turned on by her being turned on, and that my friend will bode well for how the entire experience goes.

So there you have it.  10 tips to help your wife have that elusive GREAT orgasm that will be an incredible boost for both of you.  Any other ideas you have?  Please comment.

Never want to miss one of my posts?  Subscribe via email on this page.  And be sure to join my more than 7,000 followers on my Facebook page and 9,000 followers on Twitter.

Pursuit of Passion ResizeIf you know of engaged or newly-married women, please help them get their marriages off to the right start sexually by telling them about the March 5, 2016, Pursuit of Passion Event in Omaha!

 

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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February 13th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

I've written nearly 500 posts about sex and marriage, but a few seem to have piqued readers' interest the most. 

Here are some of my more popular posts:

The Sexiest Thing You Can Do for Your Husband

5 Things You Must Know if You Are Denying Your Husband Sex

5 Ways to Sexually Please Your Husband

How to Give Great Oral Sex to Your Husband

5 Worst Excuses for Not Having Sex

5 Reasons the Church Won't Talk Authentically About Sex

How Long Can A Marriage Go Without Sex?

Wives Who Want More Sex and Aren't Getting It

 

And here are some of my favorite posts:

What is Better Than Falling in Love?

A Body that Never Quits

Extraordinary Sex in Your Ordinary Life

5 Ways to Like Sex in Your Marriage

3 Ways to Get Rid of Your Sexual Inhibitions

What is Better Than Falling in Love

The Sexual Sin No One Will Talk About

Sex Begins in Church, Not Just in the Kitchen

I Like Him Better After We Have Sex

5 Signs You've Arrived Sexually in Marriage

Is Sex Marriage's Biggest Lie

Why the Excuse "Sex is Not a Need" Doesn't Hold Water

3 Lies You've Maybe Told Yourself About Sex (#3 is the Worst)

 

Never want to miss one of my posts?  Subscribe via email on this page.  And be sure to join my more than 7,000 followers on my Facebook page and 9,000 followers on Twitter.

Pursuit of Passion ResizeIf you know of engaged or newly-married women, please help them get their marriages off to the right start sexually by telling them about the March 5, 2016, Pursuit of Passion Event in Omaha!

 

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

PURSUIT OF PASSION:  Now Available in PRINT and Ebook!

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Posted in authentic, body image, marriage problems, passion, Uncategorized Tagged with: ,

sexually dead marriage
February 12th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

So it's been awhile, you say?

sexually dead marriageAwhile since the two of you genuinely enjoyed sex.

Or even had sex.

The circumstances that usher a married couple into little or no sex are varied, and it's possible I've heard them all.

Some of those circumstances are rooted in painful betrayals, like abuse, infidelity and pornography use.

Some are fueled by empty promises of "Not tonight. But maybe tomorrow."

And some... well... some we couldn't quite pinpoint even if we tried.  Life happened, what with its babies and bills and busyness and basketball practice and broken dishwashers and brash calendars.

Life got crazy.  And you didn't just push sex to the back burner.  You pushed it right off the stove (ya didn't really mean to, but that's what happened).

And I also hear from pa-lenty of couples who are just exhausted and disillusioned with marriage, wrestling more with heartache and heaviness. Instead of resting with hope and happiness.

So whatever circumstances landed you at a sexually-dead marriage, maybe it's time for a new perspective.

I'm an optimist to the core! Yeah for me!  And yeah for you, if you're still reading!

And I believe -- genuinely believe -- that nearly all sexually-dead marriages can be revived, if the two people in the mix are willing to walk in that direction.

5 Must-Try Tips for Reviving a Sexually-Dead Marriage:

1. Address the long-standing issues

I know.  You hate it that I started here.

But if there are long-standing unresolved sexual struggles in your marriage, no better time than right now to start shedding light on those.

God is totally in the business of redeeming the pain of our past, whatever that may look like, and refining it into His vision for the future.

Your future likely includes hot passionate authentic sexual intimacy, if you're willing to deal with and heal from whatever messed up sex for you in first place.

 

2. Pour yourself into friendship with your spouse

Everyone wants to know what I think is the secret to great sex.  Most are surprised that my answer is friendship.

But not just any friendship. The kind of friendship where a husband and wife intentionally seek after each other's company.

When was the last time you laughed with your spouse?

When was the last time the two of you did something fun together?

When was the last time you really felt like you had each other's back, understood each other's inside jokes, and longed for each other's voice?

Well, my friend, hot sex is hottest when you have endearing friendship with the person who stood next to you at the altar.  No lie.  It is.

 

3. Embrace sexual freedom

Have you ever noticed that whenever "married" sex is referenced or portrayed in the media or entertainment, it's often made out to be boring and void of any real pleasure?

Sadly, sex in a marriage is used as fodder for jokes, rather than laid out as a passionate opportunity for fun and oneness.

Within the exclusivity of your marriage, you have a lot of freedom to enjoy each other's bodies.  No one is privy to what's going on when you shut that bedroom door, and that kind of privacy should inspire us to make the most of it.

As long as your sexual intimacy doesn't involve any third parties (real, portrayed or imagined) and as long as neither you nor your spouse are finding pleasure in causing the other person pain (physical, emotional or spiritual), then you really have a lot of freedom to enjoy sex.

Embrace sexual passion.  Enjoy each other's bodies.  Try different positions.  Get crazy beneath those sheets.  Get loud if you want.  God is the author of orgasm and sexual arousal in a marriage.  Well done, God. Well done.

 

4. Make your spouse's orgasm of utmost importance!

I know the reason a lot of wives struggle with sex is they are rarely if ever having an orgasm, either because they don't think their orgasm is important (insert sad face here) or they have a selfish husband (insert even sadder face here).

We could get rid of a lot of sexual apathy if both a husband and a wife took great care to help each other climax intensely. To do this well, you have to communicate and learn each other's bodies.

A popular post I wrote was 3 Reasons Your Husband Likes It When You Climax.  I also have a ton of helpful posts over on the orgasm page on my site.

 

5.  Put sex high on the priority list

I've long said that healthy patterns are intentional and unhealthy patterns typically are unintentional (we drift into them rather than actively pursue them).

Here's the deal -- whichever way you go will become your normal if you go that way enough.

So if you are intentional about nurturing sexual intimacy and making it a priority often, then that will become your normal.  If you are unintentional and let yourself drift into little or no sex, then that will become your normal.

What normal do you really want to be living?

As for me and my marriage, well... you can guess which normal we are loving and living!

One of my favorite posts of all time is Extraordinary Sex in Your Ordinary Life.  You might find it encouraging too.   Also consider Sheila Gregoire's post Do I Have to Live in a Sexless Marriage?

Never want to miss one of my posts?  Subscribe via email on this page.  And be sure to join my more than 7,000 followers on my Facebook page and 9,000 followers on Twitter.

Pursuit of Passion ResizeIf you know of engaged or newly-married women, please help them get their marriages off to the right start sexually by telling them about the March 5, 2016, Pursuit of Passion Event in Omaha!

 

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

PURSUIT OF PASSION:  Now Available in PRINT and Ebook!

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Pursuit of Passion
February 9th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

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Yes, that's right!

Through Feb. 16, 2016, you can get 20% off Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Marriage.

This discount offer is through our CreateSpace store only!

Go to this link and use discount code 3F5CTABZ at checkout!   This is a great way to invest in your marriage!

We wrote this book because we are committed to helping Christian couples have great sex!

If you were planning on buying the book anyway, might as well get it at a discount.

Go to this link and use discount code 3F5CTABZ at checkout!

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

PURSUIT OF PASSION:  Now Available in PRINT and Ebook!

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February 8th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

clean sheetsEvery now and then, I receive comments or emails from husbands that read like a laundry list of the worst excuses their wife has ever given for not wanting to have sex.

Sometimes I laugh.

Most often, though, I'm sad.

Yes, I know, I'm hearing only one side of the story when these husbands reach out.

But even if I were to hear both sides of the story, we would still arrive at the same picture -- marriages struggling sexually.

Until a comment I received recently, it had been awhile since I had heard the "clean sheets" excuse, meaning, "I just changed the bed and the last thing I want to do is mess up these clean sheets with sex."

Some of you have said it.

Some of you have heard it.

Ultimately, though, God longs for us to ask what our marriage means to us.

By what should a marriage be recognized?

I sure hope it's not clean linen.  Sweet baby Jesus, help us if it's clean linen, because that would be sad commentary.

"Well, their marriage was nothing special.  But did you see the sheets?  Phenomenal. 1,200-thread count Egyptian cotton, and I swear it looked like they'd never been used, if you know what I mean."

Joking aside, this is one of those "ya gotta count the costs" sorta things in a relationship.

What if the "clean sheets" excuse really isn't the reason.  What's the story behind the story, so to speak?

Is it possible that "clean sheets" is just code for some deeper struggle in your sexual relationship with your spouse (especially if it's one of many excuses on the laundry list. No pun intended)?

Whenever I speak to women's groups, I always try to at some point to bring the conversation to a "count the costs" focal point.  I'm annoying that way, but some of them actually tell me afterward they appreciate this kind of candid transparency.

If there is something you and your spouse could do to heal sexual brokenness and better nurture sexual intimacy, isn't your marriage worth that kind of effort?

I think it is.

Yes, it takes courage and humility and possibly even the trusted resource of a professional Christian counselor to start digging yourself out of sexual disconnect.  But there are many couples who have done it.

And along the way, they've discovered that sex is never just about sex.  it's about a oneness and strengthening to a marriage that can't quite be described.  Intimate and exclusive sexual intimacy is one of the main things that God designed to set marriage apart from any other human relationship.

So, when we ask the question, by what should a marriage be recognized, most Christians who have studied God's heart and word would indeed have "sex" in their answer.

If there is more to your "clean sheets" excuse than "clean sheets," I encourage you to hunger for God's truth and redemption in this tender area of your marriage.

And if there really is nothing more behind your "clean sheets" excuse?  I mean, if your sexual intimacy is actually quite great, except when you've just changed the sheets?

Well, there are these crazy contraptions called towels.  With a little planning, it's amazing the way they can protect clean sheets.

See, I do care.  About your marriage. And your sheets.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

PURSUIT OF PASSION:  Now Available in PRINT and Ebook!

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