Category: authentic

November 28th, 2015 by Julie Sibert


sexual-positionsSome wives and I were chatting about sex positions and came to the conclusion that there are about 5 that most of us can do.

Any positions beyond those are probably best tried and mastered by Cross Fit gurus or American Ninja Warriors.  (Of which I am neither. Insert sad face here).

Just for clarification, I'm talking about sexual intercourse positions.

Certainly a lot of sexual fun can be had without intercourse. For the love of God, I hope all your sex isn't only intercourse.

Anyway. Where was I?

Oh yeah. Talking about sex positions for everyone except Cross Fit people and American Ninja Warriors.

If you and your husband have kept your sexual encounters to only one or maybe two positions, you might want to broaden the repertoire.

One of my most popular posts when I first started blogging was Hey I'm a Housewife, Not a Gymnast. And I also did a guest post for Stu and Lisa Gray titled I Think the Proverbs 31 Wife Liked Being on Top.

Even though I've written about positions before, certainly it's worth visiting again. You might even be inspired by the end of this post to try something new tonight.

Let's look at the 5 sex positions that nearly everyone can do:

1. Husband on Top Facing His Wife (a.k.a Missionary Position)

Everyone knows this position.  I don't need to explain it.  Has some great pros -- it's one of the easiest to do and there is face-to-face intimacy that can be incredibly bonding.

Probably the biggest con is for some couples it can be one of the worst positions for the wife to climax.

If you as a wife are having struggles reaching orgasm with missionary position, I have a few suggestions.  Have your husband move forward so that the shaft of his penis is in more direct contact with your clitoris.

This will put his chest more at your face level, but the difference in stimulation can be significant. The fancy name for this is coital alignment technique (CAT) and you can read a great post about it here.

If you aren't doing CAT, but want more stimulation, don't rule out simultaneously using your hand to stimulate your clitoris while he is thrusting.

This can help get you close to the edge enough that then his thrusting will bring you to climax. The nice bonus is your hand and fingertips will rub up against his penis, which he may find heightens his arousal.

2. Wife on Top Facing Her Husband (a.k.a. Cowgirl)

Again, this one is pretty self explanatory and obviously has the two same pros that you find with missionary (easy to do and lots of opportunity for eye contact, kissing, etc.).

It also has some pros that I think honestly make it a BETTER position than missionary.

For starters, the wife is in control, which some guys (and some wives) find incredibly arousing.  Also, she is able to better manage the stimulation of her clitoris and G-spot because she is able to control the rate of thrusting, the angle, etc.

And last but not least, it's quite the visual feast for the husband (wives, you can really work this quite seductively, which will likely drive him wild).

Bonus for both the husband and the wife is that his hands are free for more caressing of her breasts, hips, face, arms, etc.

Some husbands really like this position too because it shares the burden of the physical exertion necessary during sex.  Wives, if you only make love in missionary position, your husband is doing almost all of the work.  Wouldn't it be nice to share the workload... uh, I mean, playload?

3.  Wife on Top Facing AWAY from Her Husband (a.k.a. Reverse Cowgirl)

Basically, wife is on top but she turns around so her back is to her husband.

This one can be a little difficult to manage at first, but once you get the logistics figured out, this position can be incredible.  It's a different sensation for both of you and allows your husband to get a really clear visual of all the action.

Some guys love that view!

4.  Husband Behind His Wife (Vaginal Sex, Not Anal)

Sadly, many wives won't even consider intercourse where their husband enters her vagina from behind.

Some women find it degrading (Let's be honest, the slang name of "doggy style" doesn't exactly earn it any PR points).

Other wives are hesitant to try it because they think it will be too cumbersome to figure out.

But here's the thing.

With a bit of trial and error, many couples can find the right angle and approach to make this position work well.  And when they do make it work well, some women are pleasantly surprised at how arousing it can be.

The obvious arousal is that it stimulates the G-spot.  The not-so-obvious arousal some wives discover is it feels provocatively enticing to have her husband physically in charge.

It's unfortunate this position gets such a bad rap, because it could be rocking the sexual world of more married couples. If only they would give it a try.

5. Wife on Top, Both Sitting Up

Many people would have thought fifth in my lineup would be the "side" position, where the couple is laying on the bed side by side -- either facing each other or the husband behind the wife.

But I think the side position is challenging, because neither the husband nor the wife has tremendous mobility to thrust in this position.

Anyway, I'm not a fan of the side position.

I AM a fan of the wife on top with the couple in a sitting position.  Take extra pillows and prop them behind him sitting up in bed.

In this position, the wife is supporting her weight entirely with her knees and is able to do so with quite a bit of stability.

That stability and being upright leaves her hands free for countless other ways to arouse him and caress him.

You also can put your hands on the wall or headboard for more leverage, which he may find totally hot.

So, there you have it.  Sexual positions for those of us who are not Cross Fit gurus or American Ninja Warriors.

For more reading on sexual positions, check out these posts:

Hey, I'm a Housewife, Not a Gymnast

I Think the Proverbs 31 Wife Liked Being on Top

Why Try More than One Sexual Position

Positions and Orgasm: A Survey

Six Best Sex Positions

Why Woman on Top

Positions and Movement

Vulnerability When Trying New Sexual Positions

Sexual Positions for Pregnancy, or "My Belly's in the Way!"

Sex on a Pillow

Hovering Crab and Clock Face Positions

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.












Posted in authentic, intimacy, orgasm, passion, sex, Uncategorized Tagged with: , ,

November 27th, 2015 by Julie Sibert


This situation isn't exactly unique, right? A married Christian couple. Who slept with each other before marriage.

sex-before-marriageBut what is baffling for some couples is that the sex before the marriage was better than it is now.

"What's up with that?!!" they may ask quietly to themselves, not really wanting to dig through the rubble to look for the answers.

Yes, some couples may chock it up to "life is busier now" or "that was when we were younger."

Sometimes, though, I think couples land on a different answer -- sadly, one that is incredibly short-sighted.

It's one I hear particularly from women in these situations.

She knows they were out of God's will with the premarital sex, so when sex in the marriage begins to tank, she assumes it's punishment.

It's their lot in life now, she thinks. God's payback for doing things in the wrong order.

Consider, though, why that reasoning is short-sighted:

First, God is totally in the forgiveness business.

It's His main gig. His calling card. His neon sign. His love letter.

So if you think the sin of sexual promiscuity and premarital sex is worse than other sin -- some how beyond His reach of forgiveness -- I beg of you to adjust your lens and turn it toward His heart.

Why is this so hard? I'm not sure.  Probably has something to do with our innate struggle to humbly accept something we've come to believe we in no way deserve.

Any. Way. What I do know is this...

What He asks of you regarding your past sexual experience -- even if it was with the person to whom you eventually pledged your life -- is that you ask for forgiveness and repent of the sin.

The good news about that is the mere fact that your sexual activity is now in marriage shows that you do indeed know how to repent.  You have left your sexual promiscuity behind you. Any sex you are having now is in its right and holy context.

Yeah you! Yeah God!

But you have to believe and accept forgiveness for it to authentically transform your life, your marriage and your sexual intimacy.  Will you do that?

Second, when you get stuck thinking mediocre sex is God's punishment, you put a big smile on Satan's face.


Yeah, that enemy, he is a conniving, scheming, manipulative, sneaky jerk (and I'm saying that through my filter, so feel free to add any choice words that come to mind).

It delights Satan to no end to see your marriage suffer.

Satan hates marriage, something that is so drenched with God's heart and vision that Satan can't help but do whatever possible to sabotage it.

And here's the thing. Satan is kind of a grassroots sort of guy.

Sure, we see glimpses of him in the larger social realm where marriage is being re-defined and maligned.  BUT where does he really gain ground?

In individual marriages.  Maybe even in your marriage.

And he has become so adept at spinning one particular lie that we are often unaware of his presence until long after he has been snuggled up at the foot of our marriage bed, possibly for years.

Yes. Years.

The lie?  He tells singles to have sex because "Everyone is doing it!" and "It feels good and you deserve to feel good!" and "If something feels so good, how could it possibly be wrong?!"


Wait for it...

He tells those EXACT SAME PEOPLE after they are married that "Sex is boring! sex is duty! Your spouse is selfish for wanting sex! You sinned before marriage! God won't let you have great sex now! You don't deserve it!"

See what I mean?

Conniving jerk.

Satan's "go to" strategy is always division. Always. So whatever he can do to cause division and disconnect in your marriage and in your sexual intimacy, he will do it by any means possible.

The good news is that you can take back the ground in your marriage Satan has said is his.  You can.  Tell him he has to go.

"Well, how do I do that?!"

Ask for God's help. And start shedding light on the pain and sexual disconnect and sexual lethargy between you and your spouse.

Satan works in the dark (a.k.a. silence, isolation, confusion, assumptions).  God, on the other hand, works in the light (a.k.a. humility, honesty, transparency, conversation, tenderness).

Talk to your spouse about how you want things to look different -- better -- healthier in your marriage bed than they look right now.

Take baby steps to undo mediocrity and replace it with authentic and frequent intimate connection.

Pray. Seek God's Word. Go after biblically sound resources that give you insights about sex.

Do all this enough and Satan will crawl right out of your bed, retreating to the shadows where his influence is nil.

If you had sex before you were married, even with the person who is now your spouse, those past sexual encounters do not define the course in your bed now.

You and your spouse define the course.

And God.

I don't know if you think the sex now isn't as hot because you've got a couple rugrats running around -- or you think it's not hot because you haven't allowed yourself to truly walk in God's truth.

What I DO know is that God's vision for your marriage is nurtured and passionate intimacy all the way around.

You, your spouse and God define what's happening sexually in your bed.

How about the three of you get together and come up with a plan?

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.












Posted in authentic, marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: , ,

November 21st, 2015 by Julie Sibert


1. Wait. wait. wait. And everything will instantly be great, great, great.

5-lies-christians-spread-about-sexOh man.

There are young people who hold up their end of the biblical bargain by maintaining their purity, only to discover on the wedding night that they kind have been duped.

Not by God.

But by other Christians.

I know, the lie wasn't malicious.  But nothing good comes from painting a sweeping generalization that from the wedding night forward, sex will instantly be amazing.

Yet, that is what we tend to do.

We scream purity from the rooftops, but are conspicuously vague about sex in marriage. We offer up these polished promises that sex as a married couple will be a flawless blend of ease, tenderness, romance and pleasure.

It will look like every romantic chick flick they have ever seen.

Then -- in what must feel like a shocking turn of events -- many freshly-married couples close the door of the wedding night suite, only to find everything but sexual bliss.

Instead, they find themselves trying to soldier on through sexual awkwardness, confusion and disillusionment (and maybe even pain).

"THIS looks nothing like the movie," they silently ponder to themselves.

As a body of believers, we simply have to stop lying to these young couples. We have to help them understand that building phenomenal and mutually-valued sexual intimacy in their marriage takes effort.

And patience. And communication. And a willingness to pursue and learn how to bring each other indescribable pleasure.

I'm all for purity for singles (it is, after all, God's clear plan).

But for Christ's sake, can we please give some equal air time to how to enjoy great sex once they are married!?

Seriously, when I say for Christ's sake, I literally mean it.

Because I think He would really appreciate it if we didn't set these couples up for major disappointment at the very time when they have full privilege and permission to unabashedly learn how to enjoy each other beneath the sheets.

Things can be great, great, great after the wait, wait, wait.  But not if we don't teach them how to make things great.

2. Your past sexual encounters will destroy sex in your marriage.

Okay, I know that some most Christians come to the altar without their purity pledge perfectly upheld.

Why is it, though, that sexual sin gets relegated into its own category, where forgiveness seems more like quasi-forgiveness?

This is a big stumbling block, particularly for women. They think that their past sexual promiscuity is something beyond the reach of Christ's blood. That God will "sorta" forgive them. But not really.

So they head into marriage suspecting that their "punishment" will be mediocre or difficult sex going forward.  When sexual struggle do arise, they only take that as confirmation -- rather than motivation to set in place healthy patterns.

Or they think that everything they did sexually before marriage is now off limits. But just because something is sin in one context does not inherently make it sin in another context. (Oral sex, for example. Sin before marriage. Completely acceptable after marriage, in my opinion).

We need to let go of shaming people for their sexual past. And we need to proactively show people why they should stop shaming themselves.

3. Sex is just for the husband.

I don't even know how this lie got started, seeing how God Himself came up with the clitoris.  The clitoris serves no other purpose but sexual pleasure in a woman. No other purpose, people.

So it should be obvious that sex is for the wife too, right? I mean, I know sex isn't just about the pleasure, but seriously -- we can't really talk ourselves around how God is fanatically generous in His design of sexual pleasure for both a husband and a wife.

And if we unpack one of the most direct scriptures about sex (1 Corinthians 7), we see crystal clear encouragement that neither a husband nor a wife are to withhold their body from the other.

Can you picture it?  Paul is writing to the folks in Corinth.

And he's basically saying, "Hey you -- yeah, you Joe. If your wife wants to get naked with you, you gotta do it man. Enjoy it. Enthusiastically say yes to her as often as possible!  In fact, you should only go without sex if you two have decided to go deep in prayer.  But even then, don't let praying keep you from each other for very long. That would put a huge damper on things. Not good Joe. Not good for you or the Mrs. or your family or this whole town."

Okay, I might be paraphrasing a bit.

But suffice to say, sex is not just for the husband. It's for the wife too.

4.  We can't talk about sex. That's private.

Yes, sex is an exclusive act between a husband and a wife.  I'm not lobbying for ripping off the proverbial filters and everyone start talking about the details of their sexual encounters. We need discernment.

BUT, what I am advocating is that we stop skirting around genuine dialogue.

We have got to get more comfortable as a body of believers talking about enjoying sex in marriage, facing and overcoming struggles, and heralding God's truth about sex.

And I don't mean only talking about it for 20 minutes in pre-marriage counseling.  And then staying eerily silent until a marriage is about to fall apart.

Sexual intimacy is an aspect of marriage where couples often need the most guidance and biblical truth, yet the church is clumsily vague at best and painfully silent at worst. And by church, I don't just mean the preachers, because we all are the church.

Take up the cause. Buy a t-shirt. Wave a banner. Start talking about sex.

Churches across the country should be having annual or semi-annual multi-week sessions about nurturing sexual intimacy.  Kind of like Dave Ramsey classes. Only for sex. (Better yet, offer both! Talk about money one week and sex the next. That would make for interesting pillow conversation).

5. Raw uninhibited sexual pleasure is wrong, even in a marriage.

I hate this lie. Probably because I like sex so much.

I think this lie is the worst one, perpetuated by too many Christians who are robbing themselves and their spouses of fully enjoying all God has to offer them sexually.

And before you think I'm talking only about physical pleasure during sex, I'm also referring to a nakedness that is fuel for uninhibited passion -- the bearing of our souls, you might say.

Within the exclusivity of marriage, a husband and wife have tremendous freedom to seek and share the most intimate of experiences -- their feelings, desires, vulnerabilities, and sexual expression.

The covenant of marriage isn't just well suited for raw uninhibited sexual pleasure, it's perfectly designed for it.

Hmmm. I wonder Whose idea that was.

Often, these lies make me want to freak out speak truth.

Truth will ultimately win in the end. I know.

But can we aim for sooner than that?

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.












Posted in authentic, orgasm, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , , ,

sexually selfish husband
November 16th, 2015 by Julie Sibert


sexually selfish husbandOh my, I can already hear the laments on this one about how you aren't selfish.

And maybe you aren't one of those sexually selfish husbands, and this post doesn't apply to you.

But there are some out there.  And maybe you are one.

Yes, there are some wives who are sexually selfish too. I wrote about them here.

Before you read the post on wives, here's something worth pondering...

You might be a selfish husband sexually if...

(1) You are just in it for your own satisfaction.

Imagine for a moment that every (or nearly all) sexual encounters you have end with NO orgasm.  No tingly feelings.  No release.  No mountaintop experience.

That. Sounds. Horrible. Right?

Well, if you are focused only on your sexual climax and aren't making sure your wife gets to hers, it's no wonder your wife sees sex as one big chore.

If she is not climaxing in most of your sexual encounters, then it might be that you are selfishly consumed only with your orgasm.  One and done.

(Yes, I know. Sometimes, she is the one who isn't interested in having an orgasm, but I do hear from pa-lenty of women who wish their husbands would pay a bit more attention to making sure she gets there).

For more on orgasm, check out all the posts on this page.

(2) You rarely or never respond to her initiation.

Maybe you're that guy who has a wife who initiates, subtly expresses her sexual desire for you or even comes right out and says, "I really want to have sex tonight."

And you do nothing.  No interest.  No response.

You handle her comments and initiation as if they are nothing more than a passing phase.

That's selfish.  And it's sinful.  It's blatant disregard for 1 Corinthians 7.

I know that the reason some men ignore or back down from their wife's sexual initiation is because of struggles with desire, erectile dysfunction, stress and so forth.  I am in no way minimizing the legitimate physical and emotional issues that take a toll on sexual intimacy from a man's perspective.

Even so, though, if that describes you, you owe it to yourself and her (and your marriage in general) to explore why those struggles are happening and possible solutions.

Through honest dialogue with your wife, you likely will discover a woman who wants to support you and reassure you.

But you can't just keep ignoring her.  That's not going to work.

(3) You're not willing to understand what sex means to her.

I don't know what sex means to your wife, but I would be willing to bet it might be different than what sex means to you.

For some wives, sex is reassurance.  (I touched on that in this post about my husband and I making love after someone tried to break into our house).

For some wives, sex is what reminds her that you are in this thing called life -- together.  For some wives, sex is a release of stress and the embodiment of love all wrapped into one.

Seek to understand what sex means to her.

(4) You aren't pulling your weight around the house.

I know this is beyond cliche, but the truth is, most cliches find their roots in this thing called truth.

If you're expecting her to take care of everything with the house, the kids, the in-laws, the errands, the soccer practice, the "we are out of milk again," the bills, the homework and so on, well that's just a huge drag on her sexual desire.

I'm not here to give you commentary on how division of labor should work in your home.

Just make sure it's not all on her.  Because if it's all on her, she probably has little interest, time or energy to get naked with you when the lights go down.

(5) There are ulterior motives behind your compliments.

Every now and then I hear from wives who feel their husband is complimentary toward her only when he wants sex.

If your compliments find their foundation in an ulterior motive, she saw the pattern in your compliments long ago.  The gig is up.

It hurts her.  And possibly even angers her.

Plain and simple, compliments that are dripping with the sting of ulterior motive are never going to arouse her.   Try a different approach -- one that is authentic and affirms her regularly, not just when you want to get busy beneath the sheets.

(6) You insist on things always being your way.

I get it.  There are certain sexual positions or experiences you like more than others.  But sex can't always be on your terms.

Sexual intimacy in marriage needs to be a place of mutual learning and awareness.  It simply has to be the right mix of selflessness and selfishness, where sexual needs and desires are not just acknowledged, but pursued.

Of course, I'm talking about needs and desires and sex positions and sex experiences that all fall in the realm of what's acceptable in the marriage bed.   So, third parties are a no go.  Pornography is a no go.  BDSM is a no go.

You get the picture. Talk with your wife about ways you both can enjoy sex.  Don't insist on things always being your way.

If you're still reading and you see yourself in any of the signs of sexual selfishness, be encouraged that you can right the ship on this.

If there are things you need to confess and ask for forgiveness on, then don't delay!

Share this post with your wife and use it as a spring board into some good conversation on how the two of you together can move forward to heal and build intimacy.

Because sex should be a place marked much more by generosity than selfishness.

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.












Posted in authentic, body image, intimacy, marriage problems, orgasm, passion, Uncategorized Tagged with: , ,

November 15th, 2015 by Julie Sibert


sex-begins-in-churchIt sounds blasphemous to say sex begins in church.  I mean, it really does.

But not when it's the kind of sex I'm talking about -- between a husband and a wife who see the value of nurtured sexual intimacy.

I dare say that church is one of the BEST places to begin sex, what with God being the designer of sex and all.

(One of the posts I loved writing a few years ago was Worship the Lord. Make Love to Your Spouse.)

When I say sex begins in church, I'm in essence saying sex can begin anywhere. It just takes being intentional with our affection.

Worried you're going to miss the sermon? Or forget about the canned food drive that just scrolled in the messages on the big screen? I'm not worried at all.

For most women, multi-tasking is like sport.  If ever there was a gender that could be affectionate  and engage in worship and listen to the sermon and remember the canned food drive, it's us women, right?!

Sexual arousal between you and your husband relies heavily on what happens when your clothes are on and you aren't verbally saying anything.  The way you discreetly communicate your attraction for your husband can do wonders for what happens when the clothes come off.

We get this.

I mean, it wasn't long ago that the wildly popular song "When You Say Nothing at All" could be heard at countless weddings.

Keith Whitley, Alison Kraus and Ronan Keating all recorded this song, which is a modern-day anthem for speaking love and desire without words. (If you want a sizzlin' hot old school version, just read Song of Songs in the Old Testament).

Anyway. I digress.

Back to this idea that sex begins in church (uh, I mean anywhere. Sex begins anywhere).

Below are 5 tips on playfully saying, "I want you, even though I can't have you right now."

1. Use your fingernails. 

Light touch is amazingly alluring. When you run your fingernails along the back of his neck or just under the cuff of his shirt or to caress his hand and trace his fingers, that will pique his interest.

2.  Hold his hand.

All hand holding is not created equally.  Sure, there's the hand holding that says, "Wow! It sure is fun to be at the amusement park together! Let's go!!"

And then there's the hand holding that reassuringly says, "I am so attracted to you. So grateful you are mine. So turned on. Maybe later after this lovely rendition of Amazing Grace, we can go back home and find new and creative ways to agree with God on His amazing gift of sex."

Okay. Maybe it doesn't say all that. But you get the idea.

You can convey your sexual attraction through hand holding. Probably works best if you mix in some light touches along his forearm and wrist as your hand makes its way to his.  (I know, I keep coming back to those fingernails, don't I?)

3. Whisper something.

Whispering is not only acceptable between a husband and a wife, it's almost expected if what they're communicating is exclusive to the two of them.  We as a society are neither shocked nor offended when lovers whisper to each other.

Lean over and whisper something sweet, sexy or inviting into your husband's ear.

4. Put your hand on his knee.

There's just something about a wife's hand resting softly on her husband's knee or thigh.

This particular gesture is incredibly sexy in its own unique way.  Maybe because it's an appropriate public touch that is alluring at the same time.

I think we'd have to search high and low to find a husband who doesn't like the feel of his wife's hand on his knee or thigh, whether they are sitting on the couch together or sitting in church together.

5. Lay your head on his shoulder.

Yes, I know.  This seems a bit cliche and meek and maybe even a bit sappy.   Who cares.

Laying your head on his shoulder and leaning into him can be a great way to say, "I want to be close to you."

When you do any of the above, you are discreetly and passionately giving clues to a puzzle the two of you will solve later.

Foreplay isn't just what happens in your bed.  Foreplay is what happens throughout the day, in simple and profound interactions between you and your husband.  In your home.  In your community. In your car. In your church.

My great-grandmother Iva MacDonald Deaver wrote in her diary on February 5, 1915, about the love between her and my great-grandfather.

Her words echo wisdom that is as relevant today as it was a hundred years ago:

"I guess love doesn't reason. It just feels and knows from the little things that would mean nothing at all to anyone else."

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.












Posted in authentic, passion, sexual intimacy, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , ,

25 Questions Cover
November 10th, 2015 by Julie Sibert


25 Questions CoverI have great news!

Author and speaker Dr. Juli Slattery has released a book I believe will become a vital "go to" guide for any woman wanting to better understand love, sex and intimacy.

The book is 25 Questions You're Afraid to Ask about Love, Sex and Intimacy, and Juli asked if I would read it and get the word out about it.

She sent me a copy and offered an additional one I could give away (because honestly, I'm not giving up my copy!)

Keep reading to the end of the post to find out how you can enter for an opportunity to win the free copy.

Here are three things that are astonishingly profound and beautiful about this book:

It's comprehensive without being cumbersome.

Seriously, this is what first caught my attention by the time I was 2-3 chapters in.  Juli tackles tough questions and strikes the right chord between saying too much and not saying enough.

She doesn't gloss over tough topics, which makes me think she put a lot of thought into her word choices.  She makes every word count.  The end result is that in every chapter, she gives us deeply needed points and clarifications -- without drowning us in lengthy hard-to-follow paragraphs.

It's an "easy" read, so to speak, yet doesn't back down from the challenging questions where many women are hungering for solid feedback.

It's biblical.

Make no mistake, she drenches this book in God's love and in His indisputable Word.  Juli humbly recognizes that without God's wisdom, generosity and truth, we cannot frame sex and intimate love in its right context.  We simply can't do it.

If we want to follow His plan, we are left with no choice but to align ourselves with His heart and Word.  What we do with our bodies and our relationships matters.

She does a great job conveying all that with grace and love.

It's conversational.

The first two points I made are obviously deal-breakers for me if I'm going to recommend a book, but this last one is what really piques my interest.

Is the book conversational?  Do I read it and feel like I'm having coffee with this woman?


This is why I think this will be a book that can spur great conversations across generations.

It would be easy to assume the book is geared only toward younger women, but I believe it also would be an ideal book for a women's book club or small group, no matter the ages of the women.

I also think it would be a great book for a couple of single female friends to go through together to help encourage each other and hold each other accountable.

And no doubt it has nuggets of insight for women who are engaged, as well as those who have been married for quite awhile.

So, all that being said, you want to read this book, right?

If you simply can't wait one minute longer, head on over to Amazon and buy it.

Or, if you're patient and want a shot at winning the free copy, you can do this:

Simply comment on this post by sharing one question you would love to ask about love, sex and intimacy. (Or maybe it's a question you wish you would have asked long ago).

You can do this anonymously (just put "anonymous" in the name section or make up a name), but be sure to include a real email address where I can reach you (this address won't appear with your comment, but I can see it on the admin side).

On Dec. 1, I will randomly pick a number, and whichever comment that number matches up to, that will be the winner!   I'll then email you to get your address so I can have the publisher send you your book.

IMPORTANT:  I moderate my comments, so if you make a comment, but don't see it right away, that's because I have to go in and hit "approve."  I do this to protect my blog from all those icky links and fake comments that tend to fill blogs if not moderated.  I write about sex, people. So you can imagine some of the icky links trying to sabotage my site!

Juli Slattery

Dr. Juli Slattery is a clinical psychologist, author, speaker and host of the weekly radio program Java with Juli. She is also the cofounder of Authentic Intimacy, a ministry passionate about reclaiming God's design for intimacy.  Juli and her husband, Mike, have been married for over 20 years and are raising their three boys in Colorado.







Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.












Posted in authentic, marriage problems, orgasm, passion, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual sin, sexual struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , ,

paul and lori byerly JS
October 18th, 2015 by Julie Sibert


paul and lori byerly JSI could have titled this post "Fellow Marriage Champions Paul and Lori Byerly … In the Flesh!"

But this is a blog about sex.

So a headline like that could REALLY be misinterpreted, right?!

In all honesty, I am super excited I recently had lunch with Paul and Lori, who were on their way through Nebraska as full-time RV adventurers.

We hung out for a couple of hours, talking about everything from life to kids to mission to ministry to marriage (and, of course, sex!)

I give a lot of credit to these two, who were trailblazers in the world of Christians writing authentically about sexual intimacy in marriage. Seriously. Trailblazers!

They began in 1997 with their blog The Marriage Bed, and eventually added The Generous Husband, The Generous Wife and The XY Code.

I shared with them that years ago, when I was just beginning to blog, a friend of mine said to me with much enthusiasm, "You have to check out this site called The Marriage Bed. It's about sex! And it's by this couple who are Christians.  It's so cool!"

She was right.

Who would have thought I would eventually get a chance to meet them and call them friends?!

I highly encourage you to visit Paul and Lori's sites and learn from their wisdom, because these two are the real deal.

They have hearts for genuinely encouraging marriages, and they speak openly about what it takes to build intimacy (sexual and otherwise!)

Here's to you Paul and Lori. THANK YOU again for the camaraderie as we speak hope and truth into countless marriages!

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

Click on the below image for more about the book:








Posted in authentic, passion, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , , , ,

low sex drive
September 29th, 2015 by Julie Sibert


Few things sabotage sex in a marriage more consistently than low sex drive of one of the spouses.

Frequency of sexual intimacy becomes a battleground, where a husband and a wife have extreme difficulty finding common ground.

Bonny Logsdon Burns of Bonny's Oyster Bed does an amazing job today looking intimately and thoroughly at this issue of low sex drive.

Though the blog post is about low sex drive, I think the post is full of nuggets of relationship gold that you won't want to miss.

Bonny's post is part of my ongoing guest blog series on things that destroy sex in marriage

Once the bird seed and bubbles of newlywed bliss settle, most marriages discover that a husband and wife don’t quite agree on the frequency of love-making.

low sex driveThen arguments build, and pretty soon you have a full-blown battle.

A shiny new marriage usually has plenty of physical urgency coming from both spouses.

So, what happens?

Biochemically, the tingles of first romance putter out after 24 months and one spouse is less motivated to be sexual than the other.

Low sex drive can affect both wives AND husbands.

The low-drive spouse no longer can rely on the lust cocktail of brain chemicals to trigger physical urgency to connect in the bedroom.

The high-drive spouse starts to feel short-changed. Their need, which at first was vigorously met, is slowly brushed to the side and finally lands low on the priority list.

The low-drive spouse starts to feel objectified as the high-drive spouse tries to persuade, cajole and convince their mate to meet them in the bedroom.

Low-sex drive can absolutely destroy sex in marriage.

Having a sexless marriage (sexual encounters less than 10 times per year) can lead to destruction of the entire relationship through adultery. And yes, the straying spouse bears much blame for their wrong choice. However, a low-libido spouse must take the higher-drive needs of their mate seriously.That’s part of selflessly loving like Christ.

I’m here to tell you low-libido is not a permanent condition.

It just takes finding what replenishes the desire for sexual intimacy outside of the physical "gotta have you now."

A low-libido spouse has to more fully rely on the spiritual and emotional nature of intimacy in order to desire to connect through sexual intimacy.

This is the blessing of the low-libido challenge. To improve low-libido, it usually involves growing as a couple.

Here are three basics that helped change me from, “No way!” to “Okay!”


First of all you must know that it is absolutely OK to pray to God about your sexual relationship with your husband. Just because the church at large cringes at talking about sex, God gives it a big ol’ nod!

When I first started praying about my marriage’s sexual conflict, I prayed for God to increase my sex drive. That didn’t work. So, I prayed for God to decrease his. That didn’t work either.

Then, I simply prayed for understanding. This was the prayer God answered (Matthew 7:7, James 1:5, Daniel 2:21).

Love pours into me through conversation. I eventually understood that love-making was my husband’s most intimate conversation. For my high-drive spouse, touch said what words could not. Love pours into the high-drive spouse through sexual intimacy.

God placed resources in our path to improve other aspects of our marriage. I came to see that my low-drive was partly from a physical place, but it also had emotional reasons.

Pray for wisdom to know how to connect more fully with your spouse. When you figure out how to connect emotionally with your spouse, you will both feel more "heard." Feeling understood will help a low-drive spouse tap into another libido, the emotional libido.

Sexual intimacy has been compared to the type of relationship God wants to have with us through Christ (Ephesians 3:8-12, Ephesians 5:32), an earthly symbol of a heavenly reality. Pray that you both grow in spiritual maturity to understand this as you walk with the Lord.

And finally, work towards praying with your spouse about your marriage bed. This will help the low-drive spouse tap into the third and most important dimension of libido, spiritual.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

It only takes one little decision.

Decide to try meeting your high-drive spouse in the bedroom. That one little decision will spark a change in the entire atmosphere of your marriage. I can 98% guarantee it.

When I finally made my decision to go "all in," I began to do a little studying. At the time, blogs weren’t on the radar and there were only a few books on sexual intimacy written by Christian authors.

I bought every one of them and spent a little time each night learning about God’s approval of "gettin’ busy." Studying God’s ideas about sexual intimacy helped me get rid of skewed ideas that remained from pre-marital baggage and understand that I could give myself permission to be a sensual creature.

One little decision led to another little decision to visit the doctor. Which led to other little decisions about medical and scientific research. Which led to another little decision about being actively engaged during each rendezvous.

God’s path for your rejuvenated libido may not look exactly like mine. However, if you make the decision to start seeking. He will answer.

Spend Most of Your Non-Work Hours Together

If a marriage is spiraling downward, some spouses run away from each other. I get it. You’ve been hurting each other with words and you want to avoid being hurt. If you’re not in your spouse’s presence, you can’t be hurt.

However, the answer is to run toward each other when things get tough. Don’t look outside of your marriage, especially with a person of the opposite sex, for any kind of emotional validation.

A low-libido spouse must connect emotionally and spiritually with their spouse. Emotional and spiritual libido substitute for the lack of physical urgency.

The way to connect is simple. Spend lots of time with your spouse outside of the bedroom doing fun stuff and having conversations. Optimally, 2 hours a day with just the two of you. But, I realize with young families, that’s not easy.

In whatever way you spend time together, avoid being snarky, disrespectful, sarcastic, demanding, threatening and angry.

Author Michele Weiner Davis states, “A more loving marriage may be the only aphrodisiac your marriage needs.”

Final Thoughts

It is possible to regain the birdseed and bubbles of newlywed sexual craving. It just might be in a way you hadn’t contemplated before.

Pray for resources to help you through the maze of low-libido. Decide to see your marriage as a relationship worth fighting for. Spend more time with your spouse being the person your spouse married; fun, happy, and friendly.

If you do all these things, not only will your libido come out of hiding, but your spouse will probably return all the love you are investing.

I’d like to place a resource in your view right now.

Written for the low-libido Christian wife, Unlock Your Libido: 52-Week Sex Drive Transformation, will help you uncover little known aspects of her lost inner sensuality.  Ramping up lagging libido doesn’t happen by magic.  However, it can be an easy journey with profound results by following along with this 52-Week guide.

Although not a Bible study, its foundation is God’s Word.  Based upon a 2012 French study, the blend of science and scripture helps wives re-discover their sensual hidden nature, covering not just physical, but also emotional and spiritual aspects of libido.

Each week, a commentary sets the theme.  The key is consistent thought and prayer revolving around the theme.  It only takes 5 minutes a day.

BonnyBonny Logsdon Burns writes to encourage the low libido wife at She and her husband, David, are candid about their struggles and victories revolving around sexual intimacy. She is passionate about empowering and equipping hurting women through God’s Word and practical tools. They have three sons, like to try new foods, laugh at corny jokes, and dance to their own music. (You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.)


Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

Click on the below image for more about the book:








Posted in authentic, marriage problems, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , ,

September 16th, 2015 by Julie Sibert

It is no wonder that skewed beliefs about sex begin to take a huge toll on sexual intimacy in marriage. Sadly, some people are numb to all these skewed beliefs.

Paul Byerly of The Generous Husband sheds light today on the reasons we need to hold up any of our beliefs about sex against what the Bible really says. 

Too often, what we believe about sex doesn't even come close to God's vision for our marriage. Paul's post is part of my ongoing guest blog series on things that destroy sex in marriageI so appreciate Paul and his wife Lori, who have been champions of authentic intimacy for years.

Google defines skew as "make biased or distorted in a way that is regarded as inaccurate, unfair, or misleading."

We’re surrounded by skewed sexuality.

skewed-sexual-beliefsPorn skews the thinking of men and a growing number of women. Various non-porn magazines teach all kinds of inaccurate things about sex.

We get sexual messages from TV, our friends, church, and our culture in general.

So many sexual messages, and virtually all of them are inaccurate, unfair or misleading.

As a part of our modern culture, you’ve had a number of skewed sexual beliefs piled on you. Even worse, it started long before you were interested in sex.

Your thinking about sex was skewed before you were really thinking about sex. We’re like fish who have no idea we are in water because it's always been there.

Are those skewed beliefs destroying sex in your marriage? They certainly are not making sex great!

More than a decade ago, a missionary to China told my wife and me a very sad story. Western-style porn had become available in China, and those who watched it tended to decide what they saw was how sex is supposed to happen. Husband and wife would watch porn, and then try to emulate what they watched.

Unable to do what they saw, they blamed each other. At best this led to frustration and anger; at worst, it led to divorce. Skewed sexual beliefs destroyed not only their sex lives, but also sometimes ended their marriages!

We tell ourselves we're more sophisticated than those folks in China seeing porn for the first time. We tell ourselves we're less easily influenced by skewed sex messages. Perhaps both of these are true, but only to a degree.

Some of the most dangerous skewed sexual beliefs are the negative things we get from our family of origin and the church.

These range from subtle hints that sex is overrated to blatant proclamations sex is just for men. Mothers "warn" their daughters to protect themselves from their husbands, rather than encouraging them to enjoy sex with abandon. They pass their disappointment and frustration on to the next generation, setting up another marriage for sexual problems.

God says sex is good.

He says both men and women should greatly want and wildly enjoy sex.

In the Song of Songs and elsewhere in the Bible, several passages talk about sexual abandon using words normally applied to being intoxicated with alcohol.

God is not calling us to limited, orderly sex; He’s calling us to wild, uninhibited enjoyment of His gift of sex in marriage.

Any beliefs at odds with what God says are skewed beliefs. If you want a better sex life, root out skewed beliefs and reject them the way you would reject any other kind of posion!

Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love!” [SS 5:1b ESV]

p-l-kissPaul has been blogging about marriage since dinosaurs roamed the Internet. He blogs to men on The Generous Husband, to women on The XY Code, and writes about all things sexual with his wife Lori on The Marriage Bed. He and Lori recently set out on an adventure to become full-time RVers. 

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

Click on the below image for more about the book:








Posted in authentic, marriage problems, sex education, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , , ,

September 15th, 2015 by Julie Sibert


I'm probably going to frustrate a few people with this post.

Or maybe not.  I'm not sure.

At any rate, soldier on in reading, even if you are tempted to stop. Where I am going may surprise you.

Sometimes I hear from husbands who are not interested in sex because their wife has "let herself go" -- not shown interest in being healthy, wearing attractive clothing or embracing her femininity.

Sometimes it is wives who are emailing me about their husband who has put on some extra pounds, not paid attention to his grooming like he did when they were first married and stopped embracing his manliness.

And sometimes the emails are from people lamenting not about their spouse, but about themselves, claiming they "let themselves go" and this is the reason for the intimacy woes that are plaguing the marriage.

Whether someone is complaining about their spouse or complaining about themselves, I think this whole "let yourself go" issue is not really the issue.

Because let's be honest.  For the vast majority of people, your body at 40 or 50 is not going to look like your body at 20.

It's just not, what with that thing called aging (not to mention carrying and birthing and nursing the little tykes for us women).

That's not to say you can't aim toward being physically healthy, dressing in appropriately fitting and attractive clothing, and so forth. Yes, this is all well and good.

BUT, the real issue, in my opinion, is your attitude about sexual intimacy and your willingness to have healthy confidence in yourself (not just in your body).

Do you want to know something about those scenarios I shared at the beginning of this post? The ones where I hear from people complaining about their spouse "letting themselves go"?

Those emails by far are a tiny percentage compared to the number of emails and comments I receive, particularly from husbands, who actually have a different quandary.

What torments these guys is their wife has let go of her sexual confidence, despite the husband's repeated encouragement and affirmation.

You see, these men don't care about the extra pounds their wife has put on. And they don't care that she doesn't look like she did when they first married.

What the husband hungers for is a wife who wants to make love, wants to be close and wants to give him the privilege of seeing her naked body.

But she is resistant, even belligerently self-defeating when it comes to nurtured sexual intimacy and sexual passion in the marriage.

The husband isn't hung up on what she perceives as having "let herself go."

She is.

If you are still reading, this may well be your come to Jesus moment as far as what has truly been sabotaging intimacy in your marriage bed.

Maybe you have.  And maybe it has nothing to do with your body.

I hear from countless guys who say that what they find incredibly sexy is sexual confidence.

Given the choice, they would be more excited about a wife who maybe has put on some extra weight and has a few wrinkles YET still has interest and enthusiasm in bed than a wife who looks like a Victoria Secret model YET has zero interest in sexual passion with her husband.

I could do a "man on the street" survey (because, honestly, that sounds like fun). You know where I would arrive with that survey?

That a wife's sexual confidence is sacred ground -- thoroughly enjoyed by husbands whose wives exhibit it -- and coveted by countless husbands whose wives don't have it (and have no interest in having it).

I'm just not so sure this "let yourself go" argument is really about what we have too often made it about.

I think the deeper issue is about sexual confidence. Not the extra baby weight.

If you're going to let go of anything, let go of this idea that you first have to lose the extra weight or get in better shape before you build sexual confidence.

A better approach just might be to build sexual confidence now.

What do you think?

And for more reading, check out my favorite post on "body image" at this link.

And I might catch some grief for sharing the below video, but it has an incredibly powerful message (warning though, especially for guys, it does contain subtle nudity).

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

Click on the below image for more about the book:








Posted in authentic, body image, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , , ,