Category: authentic

June 14th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

 

If you were hoping for a post on mind-blowing orgasm techniques, you'll have to wait for another day. (I promise. Because as we all know, I do like to write about pleasure).

Today, though, I'm going to bear my serious side a bit on a post I've wanted to write for awhile.

Maybe because it's the time of year when a lot of weddings happen.

Maybe because I was just digging through my deceased grandmother's photo albums and came across the sweet wedding images of what are now four failed marriages (My first wedding. My brother's first wedding. My sister's wedding. A cousin's first wedding.  Eh.)

I began blogging about sex six years ago, and I learned quickly to check my naivety at the door.

And the longer I've been married and the more I scroll through the emails and comments in my inbox from readers and the more I glance out at society, I've grown numbingly alert to what it takes to build great intimacy in marriage.

Numbingly alert.

Sounds just like clever word play, but it's not really.  When you speak and write about one topic as long as I have, a few common themes emerge.

In my humble opinion, great sex in marriage all comes down to a husband and a wife walking in that direction.

Ta-Da!  There you have it.  (I know. Mind blown, right?  I make it all sound so simple.)

The recipe for great sex (mutually nurtured, valued, satisfying, tender sex) is the exact same recipe for -- wait for it -- a great marriage.

And great marriages are hard to come by. Trust me. I have a failed marriage on my resume, and my current marriage has had its fair share of ups and downs.

Great marriages are hard to come by, because they take effort -- ongoing effort.  Sure, some marriages begin with and journey through easier cards than other marriages, but even the "easier" marriages take a fair amount of work.

And truth be told, no marriage is great all the time. (Two sinful people just aren't equipped to pull off that kind of phenomenon).

The hopeful part is that if both people want indeed to put effort in, they will see progress. Even greatness.

Who among us hasn't heard of marriages that were mediocre or on the brink of disaster that then were healed, redeemed and strengthened, all because the two people took even baby steps in the right direction -- and kept walking (sometimes crawling) in that direction?

My current marriage is evidence to this, with its own periods of greatness that ebb and flow and encourage me and humble me.

Of course, the excruciating part -- the flip side to what I just described above --  is that if one person wants to nurture intimacy (emotional, physical, spiritual) and the other person does not, the quandary is deafening loud in the heart of the person who is hungering for intimacy.

Deafening loud.

Sometimes there is a third scenario where neither the husband nor wife really care about the marriage and neither wants to stack their odds in the direction of growth.  I don't put too much faith in these situations, because few survive for long.

Where my heart grieves the most are the marriages where one person wants growth. And the other does not.

And I will be honest.  I never have easy answers.

I have no magic words that will spur action within a marriage to compel both people to both want healthy growth at the same time (or at least in close proximity to each other's timing).

The insight I offer is what virtually every other Christian marriage writer and speaker offer.  When I blog or speak about sexual intimacy in marriage, I'm simply saying try this or try that.

Nearly every post I write has some element of try this or try that.

And there are no guarantees that this or that will work (I know. Another excruciating reality).

Yet, sometimes what I write or another author writes or another person speaks into the marriage or the way God motivates a person does indeed bring about healthy change.

Hallelujah.

Thank you, sweet baby Jesus.

Lord have mercy.

Progress. Hope. Glimpses of goodness out of what seem like impossible scenarios.

And those are the reasons I still write and speak on sex in marriage. Because -- not gonna lie -- I've been tempted to throw in the towel on all of it.  All. Of. It.

But then I get an email from someone sharing that God used something I wrote or said to help their marriage grow in intimacy.  I'm inspired to carry on.  To keep speaking hope into desperate places.

Great sex -- great intimacy of any kind -- in marriage all comes down to a husband and a wife walking in that direction.

Whether you are single and want to be married someday, engaged or currently married, aim for greatness in marriage.  Go into it (or begin where you are if you are already married) with the raw recognition that it's going to take effort.

Because. Well. It is.

A lot of effort.

But the reward for all that effort?  Wow. Just wow.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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Posted in authentic, intimacy, Uncategorized Tagged with: , ,

April 28th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

 

It's wedding season.

And I can't help but to reflect back on a wedding I attended years ago.

The pastor looked at the groom during the ceremony and boldly said, "Son, you better satisfy her sexually. Or someone else will."

Wow.

You could hear the collective gasp in that sanctuary.

But you know what?!

That pastor was full of profound insight.

Sure, we can think of a few other ways he maybe could have said it (like maybe that they should both satisfy each other sexually).

BUT, honestly, I passionately believe his point was spot on.

Sex matters in a marriage.

And the sooner we help young marriages realize this, the BETTER.

I'll be headed to my niece's wedding early this summer, and I can't help but ponder about what young marriages really need these days.

Actually, it's what young marriages have ALWAYS needed.

Solid information about sexual intimacy in marriage.

Think about how much better off marriages would be if they could start with a healthy perspective on sex?

Think how much heartache would be prevented?  How much sexual struggle could be minimized if a couple could build a solid sexual foundation from the get-go, rather than try to repair the sexual disconnect years or decades later?!

No, I'm not so naive to believe that building a strong healthy marriage all comes down to sex.  I know full well that marriage is hard and takes tremendous commitment, sacrifice, compromise and investment on all fronts.

But still this truth remains: When sexual connection is ignored, downplayed or relegated to the "we'll get to nurturing it someday," the marriage suffers.  There is no question about this.

Don't even get me started about the infamous "someday."  I remember telling myself that in my first marriage.  You can read more about my story here.

Sex matters in a marriage.

Today, I encourage you to do a brave and wise thing.

Invest in the young marriages you care about -- the ones that are about to begin and the ones that are still in their early years.

When I co-authored the book Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage, my heart was to make a difference in marriages -- to help them be PRO-ACTIVE in pursuing amazing sexual connection.

pursuit-of-passionMy book is available in eBook, audio book and PRINT, so you have many options.

It's comprehensive and biblical and specific encouragement, so I have no doubt that ANY couple could glean nuggets of gold from it.

Even if you don't want to buy my book, there are countless books out there by Christian authors.  We really have no excuse for not helping couples discover true intimacy in their marriage.

You can find out more about the various buying options for Pursuit of Passion at this link.  Or if you are an Amazon fan, you could just go directly to the Amazon link.

At any rate, give the perfect gift this wedding season.  Invest in the marriages you care about.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

PURSUIT OF PASSION:  Now Available in PRINT and Ebook!

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Posted in authentic, intimacy, orgasm, passion, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , , ,

April 22nd, 2016 by Julie Sibert

Our youngest cub screamed "MOM!!" at the top of his lungs. (And I was a mere 20 feet away, mind you).

Obviously, I was going to walk into the living room and find a severed limb (which has never happened in my house) or a broken big screen TV (which has happened in my house. But that's a story for another time).

Takes a lot to rattle me, but I got up from my chair at my desk and nonchalantly responded to what must be a life-or-death situation.

Nope.

It was dog puke.

There's much truth in that saying that once a woman becomes a mother, her tolerance for gross stuff goes way up.

Out of necessity.  Out of frequency of said scenarios.

Out of reality that as her tolerance is rising, the tolerance of every other capable person in the house seems to systematically plummet.

So I pulled the carpet cleaning machine from the closet to clean up dog puke from carpet that I think was installed in the early 80s. (That's no lie.)

Always the optimist, I rationalized it was a good time to clean the carpet anyway, because there were already muddy prints on it.  (Thanks to the pup. And the rain.)

What could all this possibly have to do with sex?

Well, nothing directly per se.  I mean, after all, cleaning up dog puke hardly could be considered foreplay, even with the loosest definitions of foreplay.

BUT, life is messy, right?

And it's more often messy than it is crisp and clean.  Messy hearts. Messy emotions.  Messy calendars. Messy floors. Messy jobs. So on and so forth.  You know what I'm talking about.

And I have found that sexual intimacy with my husband helps me keep sane amidst all that mess.

Sex builds our resilience to weather the ups and downs of life, the annoying inconveniences (dog puke), the debilitating tragedies (grief, loss, confusion), and the crazy-making that just comes with being human.

And with being married.

This is why I have sex.  Much more than the biblical command behind it, but rather because sexually connecting with the man I love gives me perspective.

Keeps me grounded.

Reassures my heart.

Helps me not be derailed by life's messiness.

I think God just knew -- He knew that when a husband and wife mutually and respectfully and intentionally treasure each other intimately, they would find solace there.  They would be rejuvenated by their sexual oneness in unexpected ways.

So I cleaned up the dog puke. Marveled at my now somewhat-clean 1980s carpet.

And felt grateful my husband and I had made love last night.  God must have known I needed it.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

PURSUIT OF PASSION:  Now Available in PRINT and Ebook!

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Posted in authentic, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , , ,

April 16th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

I admit it.

I have a bit of a writer's crush on Joy McMillan.

Joy and I connected awhile back, and I reviewed her book XES: Why Church Girls Tend to Get It Backwards ... and How to Get It Right.  Fantastic sex book, by the way.

When she asked if I would take a look at her latest book, I was more than happy to say yes.  It's called Penduka: 21 Ways to Awaken Passion & Purpose in Everyday Life.

I know I'm diverging a bit here from the sex topic, but I think it's worth it because I like to let my readers know about resources that help them live more authentically and fully.  I believe this book is filled to the brim with nuggets of gold.

If you mine those nuggets, you can transform your life, even by baby steps. Sometimes by big steps.

Mind you, this book isn't about a quick fix.  It resonates what is true of any book like this -- if you want something in your life to look different, you have to be willing to look intimately at your story, own it and see where you need to adjust.

And then you have to actually make those adjustments.

The book is broken into three sections:  PASSION, PURPOSE, and PROCESS.  She weaves anecdotes and practical tips throughout to make the book more applicable.

What I found encouraging about the book is that Joy stays true to her writing style and is willing to be vulnerable about her doubts, weaknesses, and questions.

There's power in owning your story, and Joy owns hers well -- even the messy parts that at times baffle her and other times inspire her.

"Your story isn't just a past to regret and resent and hide, it's a brush stroke on a massive canvas that reveals a greater story. As you take your nose from that dark spot you've been pressed up against, and step back, you'll start to see the bigger picture taking shape."

I will offer a bit of a disclaimer that the book is not a quick read.  Joy covers a lot of ground, and I personally think that's good if you are ready to figure out what it is personally going  to take to do what the book says -- awaken passion and purpose in everyday life.

Joy wisely recognized that a little guidance while foraging through the book would be helpful, so there is a companion study guide titled Wake Up Your Soul.

The book and companion guide will likely appeal more to women, but I never want to box something in too much.  Gals, when you read the book, you may find ways to encourage your husband to live more passionately in his own life as well.

If you're like me, you read a book with a pen and highlighter locked and loaded, ready to snag the points that genuinely resonate with you and hopefully challenge you.

That's how I read Penduka: 21 Ways to Awaken Passion & Purpose in Everyday Life.  I'm thinking you'll read it that way too.

You can discover more about Joy and her various endeavors at Simply Bloom.  This sweet gal is also on Facebook and Pinterest.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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March 26th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

It's a dilemma.

And more often than not, it's a dilemma for wives, whose husbands want to do something sexually that really turns the wife off.

Just to be clear, let's remove from the picture anything that biblically would be off grounds.

I've talked before about what's okay sexually.  As long as exclusivity is maintained (no third parties real, portrayed or imagined), neither spouse is getting hurt (physically, emotionally, spiritually), and the Lord doesn't expressly forbid the sex act in question, then I think married couples have tremendous creative liberty in their marriage bed.

Even within permissible sexual creativity, though, it's not surprising that some couples can't agree.

What turns one on sexually is a big turn off to the other one.

For example, a husband may be turned on by giving oral sex, but his wife doesn't like it.  It's not that she thinks it's off limits biblically; it just doesn't turn her on.

Or a wife is really turned on by receiving oral sex, but her husband doesn't like giving it.

Maybe a husband is aroused by seeing his wife in lingerie, but she can't stand putting it on -- feels self conscious or objectified, even if that's really not his heart's intent.

Or a husband loves the feel of his wife's breasts on his penis, but she doesn't care for this.

These are pretty tame examples.

I'm sure if we bantered at length over coffee (you know, in your average everyday roundtable talk), we could come up with countless specific things that turn one spouse on, while turning the other spouse off.

If you reflect on your own sexual intimacy and see a few scenarios that would fit this dilemma, what should you do?

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

1. Is our sexual intimacy a unique blend of giving and receiving?

Sex in marriage should never be about one spouse's sexual desires and requests always superseding the other spouse's.  One of you can't hold all the cards of being able to deny something or desire something.

That's just not mature. And it's just not fair.

As a married couple, you have to learn a dance of sexually giving and receiving.  Ultimately, that is how you reach a place where you both enjoy sex and pursue it.

Maybe you could share this blog post with your spouse, and the two of you together could humbly look at your intimacy in a new light.

2. Do we have reasonable expectations?

If it turns your husband on to have you lick his testicles, his request isn't necessarily unreasonable -- unless he expects you do this every time you make love and/or he's never willing to take steps to make the experience more tolerable for you (like taking a shower before sex).

Another example would be you as a wife desire your husband use a vibrator on you, yet your husband is turned off by this. How can you arrive at good middle ground where the vibrator is included in your lovemaking some of the time, but not all of the time?

I think the only way to reach reasonable expectations in sexual intimacy is honest communication.

So, if there's something that really turns you on, don't be vague in your desire about it or wait for your spouse to read your mind.

Express your desire maturely and compassionately.

And if your spouse shares with you something they would really like sexually (that isn't off limits, as we've already clarified), make your best effort to hear them and honor them.  You gain great marital harmony with the words, "I wouldn't mind trying that every now and then, but not every time."

Key to all this is respect.

If you say you don't mind trying it every now and then, you need to make intentional effort to indeed include it every now and then.  And do it with a generous heart, rather than doing it begrudgingly.

Doing something sexually with a chip on your shoulder is a real mood killer.

3. Am I turned off because of pre-marital promiscuity?

Dig deeper as to why something is a turn off for you.  Sometimes, if something was part of your or your spouse's pre-marital promiscuity, it can take effort to grasp that context means everything.

For example, if you are turned off by oral sex or sex in the car or sexual play in the shower simply because those were things you did before you were married, I encourage you to entertain a new perspective.

The same sexual experiences in the context of your covenant marriage are rich with possibility of sweet and sacred sexual oneness.  You are married. Sex is no longer a forbidden playground.

4. Have we asked each other what turns us each on?

Sometimes it's just a matter of learning new ways to arouse each other. You can do this either by asking and/or by simply trying new touches, techniques or ideas.

The more you focus on what you both like, the broader your sexual repertoire when you crawl beneath those sheets.

What is surprising to some wives and husbands is that they didn't even know something was a turn on until they tried it.   This is certainly the case with me and my husband. I'm not going to share the details, but there are things we've done sexually that I never would have imagined would have been so arousing.

But wow.  Just wow!

And I'm not just talking about him arousing me, but also what it feels like to bring sexual pleasure to the man I love in new and creative ways.  Turning him on is a turn on for me, even if the particular act wouldn't be my first choice.

When all is said and done, you have to decide mutuality is a foundational cornerstone to your sexual intimacy.  If what turns your spouse on turns you off, don't let that be the end of the conversation.

There's more sexual ground to explore to better nurture your intimacy.  Like I said, you might be pleasantly and shockingly surprised at the turn-ons you discover along the way.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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intimacy when parenting young children
March 25th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

intimacy when parenting young childrenAs many of you know, some other wives and I did a day retreat recently for engaged and newly-married Christian women.

Our goal was to give them a solid and exciting foundation for building great sexual intimacy in their marriage earlier rather than later.

One of the questions that came up during the Q/A period was, "How do I nurture intimacy while my children are young?  It seems really difficult to find the time and energy."

If you are a mom of littles, you know what we're talking about here.

For all the strides we've made with dual parenting, the reality is that in most homes, the bulk of caring for babies and small children falls to the mamas.

For one, if a mother is nursing, her body literally is not her own, but rather is a feeding trough for the little tyke (yes, I know it is a bonding experience, but it can be hard to view your breasts as an arousal point when they are a hot commodity as a food source).

And even if you aren't nursing, but have monkeys children under the age of 5, you spend a great deal of your time as a makeshift jungle gym -- holding, cuddling, reading, soothing, zipping, snapping, washing, wiping, dressing, playing, and so forth.

By the end of the day, the thought of being touched, even by the man you married, doesn't sound near as appealing as falling asleep beneath your sheets or slipping into a hot bath.

But.

(You knew I would have a disclaimer).

Here's the thing.

If you don't figure out how to have sex (and have it often) when they are little, you may be shocked to discover that you have less time and motivation when they turn into annoying inquisitive middle-schoolers or rebellious independent high-schoolers.

If you don't nurture sex now, then when?

Every season of parenting has its time constraints and energy depletion. Every. Season.

I kid you not.

I remember when my children were small, a friend of mine with older children essentially said to me, "Brace yourself. If you think your life is crazy now, you haven't seen anything yet."

Sure, the little tykes turn into big tykes who no longer paw at you (or want to be seen with you), BUT your parenting responsibilities tend to double, triple and quadruple (like rabbits, but less adorable).

And on a more serious note, one of the more common times of divorce in a marriage is between years 20 and 25 (depending on which source you read).

Why?

Because by that time, if a couple hasn't nurtured their intimacy and marriage, there's no compelling reason to stay together.  The kids are grown and gone (or at least on their way out).  More often than not, finances are more stable, making living separate lives seem more doable.

And one or both spouses finds themselves looking at the other and thinking, "I just don't know you anymore. And I really don't want to stay."

Don't shoot the messenger.

Remember, I'm here to give you hope that you don't have to be like those couples who get 20 years in, only to realize they really want out.

If you are a parent of babies or littles, intimacy in your marriage doesn't have to be put on hold until that youngest child is heading out the door.

Here are 5 tips for nurturing hot sex in your marriage NOW, rather than LATER:

1. Put the kids in their own room.

I know, I know.

Some of you are big on the whole family bed concept.  Sadly, what I think happens in too many houses isn't family bed at all, but rather "mom and kid" bed, while dad sleeps elsewhere.

Regardless of whether you're all sharing a bed or if you've told yourself "just while they are little,"  I'm going to challenge you to reclaim some marital ground.

Personally, I think your bed should be the one place in the house that is just about the two of you.  Much easier to teach those kids that they have their own space in their room, rather than fight the battle of getting them out of your bed after they've been sleeping in it for 6 years.

2.  Lower your standards on what doesn't matter.

About 85% of it doesn't matter.  Pour most of your heart into what does matter -- your relationships.

If you have to push the unfolded laundry off the bed or leave the dishes till morning or constantly have a family room that looks like Toys R Us just blew up, so be it.

There's something profound about drawing a line in the sand.

The dishes can wait. The laundry can wait.  Put those kids to bed, take your spouse's hand, go into your bedroom, and shut the door.

Shut the door. And open your heart and arms.

3.  Be sexually suggestive throughout the day.

Our bodies tend to follow the lead of our thoughts and words.  Be sexually playful with each other, through your phone calls, an occasional note in the brief case or lunch box, creative texts, "I can't wait till we can be alone" glances.

You get the idea. I don't have to paint you a picture.  But if I did, it would have a lot of sexual innuendo in it.

4. Don't wait for perfect moments.

A lot of great sex can be had in 20 minutes. Sure, we'd all like an ideal setting and a leisurely hour, but are you really going to build anything solid on the rare occasions when the stars align and everything is perfect?

Nope.

A better approach is to adapt.  You're in a season of having little kids, so you have no choice but to get creative. If you don't, your intimacy will suffer.

5.  Don't just go through the motions.

Sadly, a lie that a lot of women tell themselves is, "I'll give him what he wants and then he'll stop asking."

Have you entertained such thought?

If so, not only have your shortchanged your husband (who likely doesn't want obligatory sex), you've also shortchanged yourself.  Orgasm and sexual closeness are great stress relievers and help us keep things in perspective.

A little sexual perspective can do wonders for the chaos of parenting littles.

I get that you're in a demanding time of life.  And it's messy.  But here's the deal.  Life is messy.

If you don't nurture sex now, then when?

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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March 24th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

It sounds like you'll get a medal or raise a trophy with a plaque that says "Sex Champion!"

Well, not exactly.

Although, if they were handing out something like that, I'd want to be first in line!

So maybe you don't get to stand on a podium, per se, but certainly the Lord is well pleased any time He sees His followers speaking up about what's important to Him.

That's my eloquent way of saying, "Will you be a champion for sex in marriage?"

I was thinking about all this as I was coming down from the emotional high after a few friends and I put on a Pursuit of Passion Event on March 5 for engaged and newly-married Christian women.

It was all about helping them get their marriages off to a great start sexually!

We planned and poured our hearts into it and PRAYED that God would show up.  And boy did He!

Thirty women attended. And they were grateful to have other Christian wives speaking so boldly and specifically and biblically about sexual intimacy in marriage.  One gal said to me afterward, "If I had known it was going to be this good, I would have told more women to come!"

My friends and I aren't just trying to be champions for sex, we are also trying to create a few sex champions along the way.

Our vision is to build generational patterns of nurtured sexual intimacy.  Passionate, frequent and mutually-valued sex in a marriage -- that's our heart.

Sadly, as someone who blogs about sex, I hear too many stories of Christian wives who have heard nothing positive about sex from other Christian women. Nada. Or what they did hear was minimized to only a barrage of don't-do-its when they were teenagers or "it's gross, but your obligation" when they got married.

Tragic.

Compound that with too many Christian couples not knowing where to turn to help them build authentic sexual intimacy, and it's no wonder we don't have more sex champions.

If anyone should be the loudest sex champions, it should be married Christian couples.

(Okay I admit, that last sentence could be taken a few ways. Possibly I know too much about loud sex. But I digress.)

If you don't know how to be a sex champion, it's your lucky day!  I have IDEAS!

First, if you have children, be sure to have ongoing age-appropriate conversations with them about godly sexuality.

Don't just focus on the risks of sex outside of marriage, but give equal air time to the passion, oneness and infinite richness of sex within marriage.

Let those kiddos see you and your spouse being affectionate and playful with each other.  No, they don't need to see or know the details of your intimacy.   But there's nothing wrong with particularly the teenagers knowing you have sex.

And regardless of their age, all of your children will benefit from seeing your appropriate physical affection with each other.  They learn a lot about marriage from watching the two of you. Be a sex champion.

Second, speak favorably about sex in your circles of influence.

Don't be the wife at the Bunco party or office or moms' group who casts sex in a bad light. Don't lament about "it's all he ever wants" and then roll your eyes in disgust.

While your friends don't need to be privy to the details of your sexual intimacy, there's just something refreshingly attractive about a wife who speaks positively about sex with her husband. Don't be timid to say that it's something you both enjoy and both look forward to.  Be a sex champion.

Third, mentor younger couples about the importance and richness of sex.

As a wife, do you know a younger wife you could encourage?  Could you speak into her life about sex and marriage?   As a married couple, could you and your spouse together speak into a younger couple?

Yes, it takes courage, but you'll be saving them from a world of hurt later in their marriage if you help them establish a good sexual foundation now.  Be a sex champion.

Fourth, consider bringing an intimacy speaker into your church or small group.

There are a handful of us out there who are willing to stand in front of anyone, whether we know them or not, and talk openly about why nurtured sexual intimacy is so vital to a marriage.

I love talking about sex.  Love it.

(A good friend of mine says I'm the only person she knows who can so casually ask her about sex in her marriage with as much confidence as I would ask her what she's making for dinner or how her job is going).

Make sexual intimacy the main focus of a conference or make it a break-out session.  At any rate, get the conversation going.  Be a sex champion.

Fifth, keep investing sexually in your marriage.

Want to try a new position?  Want to find new ways to be sexually playful?  Want to better understand what turns your spouse on?

The more you nurture sex in your own marriage, the more enthusiastic you are about sex in general.  Be a sex champion.

The reality is we need more champions.  Instead of being paralyzed in fear or disgust over the ways society has skewed God's gift of sex, start to tune your heart toward what you can do in your own home and community and church to raise the bar.

What can you do today to be a sex champion?

You may not get a medal.

But I guarantee sweet Jesus will be smiling.  Your spouse will be smiling too.

Everyone will be smiling.

Because everyone loves a champion.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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fine image of Christian cross of light background
March 24th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

fine image of Christian cross of light backgroundI know I haven't posted in awhile, but I really do have LOTS to share.

Sex bloggers are never without ideas; we are only without enough time to get those ideas into a blog post.

First, though, I wanted to put the word out about a documentary production company that is working on a series that looks at various aspects of worship, society and family life in the 21st Century in the United States.

The company is Barcroft Media and they work with well-known channels and networks.  This particular series is for a major American broadcaster.

Jack McKay from Barcroft called me (all the way from the UK), to see if I knew of any married Christian couples who believe in and follow a biblical plan of Christian submission within their marriage.

I figure the best way to get the word out about this is to put it on my blog and share it through my channels.

Jack said ideally they are looking for families that include children from grade-school age through teens who have been raised with the principles of Christian submission.  You'd have the opportunity to talk on camera about your values and have your family filmed (in normal everyday life).

If you are interested, please contact Jack at Jack.McKay@barcroftmedia.com.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

PURSUIT OF PASSION:  Now Available in PRINT and Ebook!

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Pursuit of Passion Resize
February 17th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

 

Pursuit of Passion ResizeIf you are an engaged or recently-married woman in the Omaha, Nebraska, area, you have a great opportunity March 5, 2016, to invest in your marriage.

Some other Christian wives and I want to give you biblical and practical tips on what it takes to have great sex in your marriage.

You possibly think sex will be no big deal in marriage... that authentic intimacy will come easily and you won't encounter struggles.

Or maybe you are already married and you're enjoying sex. Awesome!

Or maybe you've already encountered a few struggles and you wonder what it will take to build the sexual closeness you've envisioned with this man you fell in love with.

Whatever your circumstances, we encourage you to come to the March 5 event and hear not only what God has to say about sex, but also what some experienced wives have to say.

We want to pour into you, because we know nurtured intimacy is worth it!  It's so worth it!

All registered attendees receive a copy of my book Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage. Plus, we will have door prizes of books, gift cards, and more!

Register today at www.PursuitOfPassionEvent.com.  You won't regret it!

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

PURSUIT OF PASSION:  Now Available in PRINT and Ebook!

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great orgasm
February 13th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

great orgasmIt's one of the most common complaints wives have about sex.

They never or rarely have an orgasm.

Today I offer up some wisdom for you husbands who want to help your wife experience amazing sexual pleasure (wives, you'll want to read too!)

Men, here's what I would say:

1. Check your ego

I don't know what you've heard in locker rooms or from guy friends or read in magazines or worse -- seen in pornography -- but if you want your wife to have a great orgasm, you might want to arrive on the scene with a healthy dose of authentic Christ-like humility.

I know.

It doesn't sound overly sexy to admit that you don't instinctively or instantly know how her body works.  (Stay with me here, because I'm getting to the tips you really want).

There's nothing sexier than you caring so much about her orgasm that you are willing to learn from her.

Truth be told, her body is not the easiest landscape for her to figure out either, which brings me to tip #2:

 

2.  Be a leader!  Be a follower!

As for your wife's sexual pleasure, it's a learned art, and the two of you are going to have to be students together on this one.

I hear from husbands who admit, "I don't know what she wants."  Well, she probably doesn't know what she wants either when it comes to what it will take for her to have an orgasm.

Or she does and she's having a hard time communicating it.

Or she knows how to communicate it, but she's afraid of hurting your ego.  (I know. Ironic, considering point #1).

So, all this leaves the two of you in an interesting predicament.

Best way out of that predicament?

Be the leader and say to her, "Your sexual pleasure is important to me.  I want us to learn what will help you have an orgasm. Making love isn't just about my sexual pleasure.  It's also about yours."

Now, you have to be a follower too. Invite her to give you feedback and show you what feels good for her.

A great sexual goal for the two of you is that you both feel safe and vulnerable to talk about and try new ways to arouse each other.

As long as the intimacy is happening exclusively between the two of you, neither of you is getting hurt, and you aren't doing anything that is specifically forbidden by the Lord, then you have tremendous freedom to explore.

Go ye forth, wise man, and explore your wife's body!

 

3.  Ask her what helps her get in the mood for sex.

I wish I had a stock answer as to what it takes for a woman to be in the mood for sex.

Some wives love a hot relaxing bath or neck massage before getting it on with their husband; and for other wives, a hot bath or massage is just going to put them to sleep.

Some wives think it's totally sexy that you would say, "Honey, I'm going to get the kids tucked into bed. And then I'm going to do the dishes. You take the time to do whatever you want."  

And for other wives, they like it better when the two of you together get those adorable little monkeys off to their cages beds, and then you both clean up the kitchen.

Here's the thing. I don't know your wife.  But you do.

Ask her what will help her relax before the two of you head off to the bedroom.  Relaxation and being in the mood for sex will increase the likelihood that she'll enjoy sex, maybe even pursue a mind-blowing orgasm.

And mind-blowing orgasms...wow. Just wow. Those are nice.

 

4.  It's not all about her clitoris.

Originally, I was going to title this tip something boring like "more foreplay."  But I thought throwing the word "clitoris" in there would better pique your attention.

I had you at clitoris, right?

Great sex for a wife isn't all about what is happening between her legs. It's also about a good mix of touches and kisses and arousal happening all over the rest of her body.

(Some women find it surprisingly arousing when you caress the back of their neck and just under their arms down the sides of their body and breasts, as well as play with their hair and caress their scalp.  Might give those areas a try and see where it all leads).

Yes, I know it may feel frustrating it takes a woman more time than a man to become sexually aroused (generally speaking).

Instead of this frustrating you, let it motivate you to make sure that by the time she wants to climax hard, your effort on foreplay will make the experience exhilarating.  For both of you.

 

5.  Well. It's quite a bit about her clitoris.

See, you knew I would come to this point eventually (no pun intended).

No shocker, but a woman's body is complex.  And no part of it screams complexity louder than her clitoris (and her sexual arousal in general).  What works one night may not work the next.

But God -- being a good and gracious God -- put the anatomy there for a reason.

And the only purpose of the clitoris is her sexual pleasure.  That's it.  It's just waiting for the two of you to figure out how it works.  Word to the wise, your hands and your mouth and her hands will be incredibly helpful in this learning process.  Just sayin.

 

6. Deeper and harder is not always better.

Again, I don't know why guys think rigorous and deep thrusting is all it takes to rock her world.

It's not that deep thrusting never has its place, but be careful or your deep thrusting will cause more pain than pleasure.

As a husband, you wouldn't be the first one to think that thrusting deep and hard is what ultimately brings her to a sexual peak --  when all the while, the majority of the action that matters most to her needs to happen right above the entrance of her vagina, at her clitoris.

She may enjoy deeper and harder, but let her take the lead on this.

Better yet, ask her to be on top, where if she embraces this position, she'll discover she has quite a bit of control over the pressure and stimulation on her clitoris.   You might like a post I wrote called Sex Positions for the Rest of Us.

 

7.  Commit to high standards of sexual integrity.

Sexual impropriety is a big turn off for wives.

If pornography and/or adultery are your thing or even if you let your eyes and heart wander toward other people, that's a big problem.  It makes her feel less than, and it certainly doesn't arouse her.

When you commit to high standards of sexual integrity, you are telling her with your words and your actions that she alone is your desire.  She is more likely to feel sexually safe with you.

And when she feels sexually safe with you, she's more likely to be sexually vulnerable and pursue sexual pleasure with you.

And that, my friend, is where all the hot sex lives.

 

8.  Touch her affectionately when you both are clothed.

If you've always used physical touch to indicate you want sex, then you're going to have to rebuild her trust in this area.

You may have to say to her, "I know in the past whenever I've touched you, it seems I've had the motive of sex. I'm sorry about that.  Will you forgive me?"

Then say, "I'm trying better to show my love for you, and one of the ways I long to do that is to touch you.  So when I hug you or hold your hand or kiss you, please receive it as love."

Of course, it's not that your physical touch can't have sexual undertones occasionally.

In fact, I think that's the tenderness you both want to nurture -- that you become so attuned to each other's touch while clothed that you can read between the lines when indeed something sexual is being communicated.

I know that touch is not everyone's love language, but I've yet to see a healthy marriage that can go too long without a good amount of non-sexual and sexual touch.

 

9.  Tell her what sex means to you.

One of the biggest misconceptions too many wives have is they think sex is just sex for a guy.

But nearly every husband I hear from tells me otherwise -- sex is about being close to and feeling loved by the woman next to him in this thing called life.

Does your wife know what it means to you when the two of you make love?

Does she know that it brings you great joy and affirmation to see her overcome by an intense orgasm?

Does she know that when the two of you have amazing sex, you feel better equipped to do nearly everything else in your life (working, being a dad, volunteering, etc.)?

Anyway, for a lot of wives, it can become a huge turn on once she knows she is the one who is it for her husband -- the one who exclusively has the privilege to sexually arouse him and fulfill him.

Help her understand what sex means to you.

 

10.  Occasionally, make sex all about her.

I know this seems to go against my generally heralded belief that sex is a mutual experience.

But seriously, every now then, there's just something about focusing completely on her sexual pleasure. (Yes, the opposite is true too -- there are times it should be all about your pleasure -- but because this post is about her orgasm, we'll stay on point).

Even though a lot of women won't admit it, many are aroused by the idea of being pursued sexually.

They are captivated by what it feels like when their husband lovingly, yet with much determination, makes her sexual pleasure the only priority in that moment. There's just something about being taken, so to speak.

And a nice side benefit is you are turned on by her being turned on, and that my friend will bode well for how the entire experience goes.

So there you have it.  10 tips to help your wife have that elusive GREAT orgasm that will be an incredible boost for both of you.  Any other ideas you have?  Please comment.

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Pursuit of Passion ResizeIf you know of engaged or newly-married women, please help them get their marriages off to the right start sexually by telling them about the March 5, 2016, Pursuit of Passion Event in Omaha!

 

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

PURSUIT OF PASSION:  Now Available in PRINT and Ebook!

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