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They never or rarely have an orgasm.
Today I offer up some wisdom for you husbands who want to help your wife experience amazing sexual pleasure (wives, you'll want to read too!)
I don't know what you've heard in locker rooms or from guy friends or read in magazines or worse -- seen in pornography -- but if you want your wife to have a great orgasm, you might want to arrive on the scene with a healthy dose of authentic Christ-like humility.
It doesn't sound overly sexy to admit that you don't instinctively or instantly know how her body works. (Stay with me here, because I'm getting to the tips you really want).
There's nothing sexier than you caring so much about her orgasm that you are willing to learn from her.
Truth be told, her body is not the easiest landscape for her to figure out either, which brings me to tip #2:
As for your wife's sexual pleasure, it's a learned art, and the two of you are going to have to be students together on this one.
I hear from husbands who admit, "I don't know what she wants." Well, she probably doesn't know what she wants either when it comes to what it will take for her to have an orgasm.
Or she does and she's having a hard time communicating it.
Or she knows how to communicate it, but she's afraid of hurting your ego. (I know. Ironic, considering point #1).
So, all this leaves the two of you in an interesting predicament.
Best way out of that predicament?
Be the leader and say to her, "Your sexual pleasure is important to me. I want us to learn what will help you have an orgasm. Making love isn't just about my sexual pleasure. It's also about yours."
Now, you have to be a follower too. Invite her to give you feedback and show you what feels good for her.
A great sexual goal for the two of you is that you both feel safe and vulnerable to talk about and try new ways to arouse each other.
As long as the intimacy is happening exclusively between the two of you, neither of you is getting hurt, and you aren't doing anything that is specifically forbidden by the Lord, then you have tremendous freedom to explore.
Go ye forth, wise man, and explore your wife's body!
I wish I had a stock answer as to what it takes for a woman to be in the mood for sex.
Some wives love a hot relaxing bath or neck massage before getting it on with their husband; and for other wives, a hot bath or massage is just going to put them to sleep.
Some wives think it's totally sexy that you would say, "Honey, I'm going to get the kids tucked into bed. And then I'm going to do the dishes. You take the time to do whatever you want."
And for other wives, they like it better when the two of you together get those adorable little monkeys off to their
cages beds, and then you both clean up the kitchen.
Here's the thing. I don't know your wife. But you do.
Ask her what will help her relax before the two of you head off to the bedroom. Relaxation and being in the mood for sex will increase the likelihood that she'll enjoy sex, maybe even pursue a mind-blowing orgasm.
And mind-blowing orgasms...wow. Just wow. Those are nice.
Originally, I was going to title this tip something boring like "more foreplay." But I thought throwing the word "clitoris" in there would better pique your attention.
I had you at clitoris, right?
Great sex for a wife isn't all about what is happening between her legs. It's also about a good mix of touches and kisses and arousal happening all over the rest of her body.
(Some women find it surprisingly arousing when you caress the back of their neck and just under their arms down the sides of their body and breasts, as well as play with their hair and caress their scalp. Might give those areas a try and see where it all leads).
Yes, I know it may feel frustrating it takes a woman more time than a man to become sexually aroused (generally speaking).
Instead of this frustrating you, let it motivate you to make sure that by the time she wants to climax hard, your effort on foreplay will make the experience exhilarating. For both of you.
See, you knew I would come to this point eventually (no pun intended).
No shocker, but a woman's body is complex. And no part of it screams complexity louder than her clitoris (and her sexual arousal in general). What works one night may not work the next.
But God -- being a good and gracious God -- put the anatomy there for a reason.
And the only purpose of the clitoris is her sexual pleasure. That's it. It's just waiting for the two of you to figure out how it works. Word to the wise, your hands and your mouth and her hands will be incredibly helpful in this learning process. Just sayin.
Again, I don't know why guys think rigorous and deep thrusting is all it takes to rock her world.
It's not that deep thrusting never has its place, but be careful or your deep thrusting will cause more pain than pleasure.
As a husband, you wouldn't be the first one to think that thrusting deep and hard is what ultimately brings her to a sexual peak -- when all the while, the majority of the action that matters most to her needs to happen right above the entrance of her vagina, at her clitoris.
She may enjoy deeper and harder, but let her take the lead on this.
Better yet, ask her to be on top, where if she embraces this position, she'll discover she has quite a bit of control over the pressure and stimulation on her clitoris. You might like a post I wrote called Sex Positions for the Rest of Us.
Sexual impropriety is a big turn off for wives.
If pornography and/or adultery are your thing or even if you let your eyes and heart wander toward other people, that's a big problem. It makes her feel less than, and it certainly doesn't arouse her.
When you commit to high standards of sexual integrity, you are telling her with your words and your actions that she alone is your desire. She is more likely to feel sexually safe with you.
And when she feels sexually safe with you, she's more likely to be sexually vulnerable and pursue sexual pleasure with you.
And that, my friend, is where all the hot sex lives.
If you've always used physical touch to indicate you want sex, then you're going to have to rebuild her trust in this area.
You may have to say to her, "I know in the past whenever I've touched you, it seems I've had the motive of sex. I'm sorry about that. Will you forgive me?"
Then say, "I'm trying better to show my love for you, and one of the ways I long to do that is to touch you. So when I hug you or hold your hand or kiss you, please receive it as love."
Of course, it's not that your physical touch can't have sexual undertones occasionally.
In fact, I think that's the tenderness you both want to nurture -- that you become so attuned to each other's touch while clothed that you can read between the lines when indeed something sexual is being communicated.
I know that touch is not everyone's love language, but I've yet to see a healthy marriage that can go too long without a good amount of non-sexual and sexual touch.
One of the biggest misconceptions too many wives have is they think sex is just sex for a guy.
But nearly every husband I hear from tells me otherwise -- sex is about being close to and feeling loved by the woman next to him in this thing called life.
Does your wife know what it means to you when the two of you make love?
Does she know that it brings you great joy and affirmation to see her overcome by an intense orgasm?
Does she know that when the two of you have amazing sex, you feel better equipped to do nearly everything else in your life (working, being a dad, volunteering, etc.)?
Anyway, for a lot of wives, it can become a huge turn on once she knows she is the one who is it for her husband -- the one who exclusively has the privilege to sexually arouse him and fulfill him.
Help her understand what sex means to you.
I know this seems to go against my generally heralded belief that sex is a mutual experience.
But seriously, every now then, there's just something about focusing completely on her sexual pleasure. (Yes, the opposite is true too -- there are times it should be all about your pleasure -- but because this post is about her orgasm, we'll stay on point).
Even though a lot of women won't admit it, many are aroused by the idea of being pursued sexually.
They are captivated by what it feels like when their husband lovingly, yet with much determination, makes her sexual pleasure the only priority in that moment. There's just something about being taken, so to speak.
And a nice side benefit is you are turned on by her being turned on, and that my friend will bode well for how the entire experience goes.
So there you have it. 10 tips to help your wife have that elusive GREAT orgasm that will be an incredible boost for both of you. Any other ideas you have? Please comment.
If you know of engaged or newly-married women, please help them get their marriages off to the right start sexually by telling them about the March 5, 2016, Pursuit of Passion Event in Omaha!
Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.