I don’t know if assertive is the right word.
But I don’t think the word confident will do the trick, at least not for what I’m talking about in this post.
When was the last time you took the lead sexually? Not just by initiating, but by truly having your way with your husband when you make love?
Calling the sexual shots, so to speak. Running your game plan. (What’s with all my sports metaphors? I have no idea).
Anyway. Where was I?
I know it doesn’t surprise us that women often are turned on by being taken. (I even touched on this a bit in my post 10 Best Tips to Help Your Wife Have a Great Orgasm.)
But some husbands also want a little of that sexual assertiveness — a little “I’ll tell you who’s boss tonight, mister.” Maybe he’s even asked for this… that you would assertively express your sexual desire for him through your words and your body.
What’s key to this?
Most important is differentiating between what is healthy sexual assertiveness versus what is abuse during sex (better known as sadism and masochism or S&M).
The Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon has tried to glam up S&M and make it look all romantic and mainstream. But let’s be honest. These are just attempts to further skew authentic sexual intimacy; to stir in us counterfeit versions of sexual passion.
Certainly you can be sexually assertive without resorting to physically or emotionally abusing your husband during sex. You don’t need a counterfeit version of sexual passion. The real thing will always be better.
Are you apprehensive about being sexually assertive? There are ways you can grow in your confidence. The below are just ideas. Let them spur your sexual creativity and make assertiveness your own.
Your husband may find it quite sexually provocative if you do these things:
1. Initiate sex at an unlikely time for sex.
Having a super bowl party? Halftime in that little shindig is long, ya all.
There are like 18 million videos of Justin Timberlake on YouTube. You could skip watching him during the Super Bowl halftime show and find a better way to spend your energy.
All your guests will be busy grazing in the kitchen, so halftime is the perfect time to “talk” with your husband in the bedroom. As in, “We just need to talk about something real quick. Help yourself to anything in the fridge. We’ll be right back.”
If my suggestion has now ruined the Super Bowl for you, then think of another setting where you can catch him off guard sexually (in a good way!). Going to a wedding without your kids? Why not surprise him with a hotel room afterward? There’s just something about hotel sex that feels adventuresome. As in, “Look! Room service! And sheets I don’t have to wash afterward. AND we don’t have to be quiet!”
What about a lull in the festivities at your family reunion? Discreetly pull him into a bedroom at that big vacation house you all have rented, lock the door and give him oral sex.
Neither of you has to completely undress, you don’t have to make a bed afterward, and neither of you is coming out of the room so sweaty that you have to make up a bunch of lame explanations.
Oral sex is an easy way to be sexually assertive with your husband. And it can be a good standby when the circumstances aren’t ideal for hanging-from-the-chandeliers sex. If you can find a way to maintain your privacy and initiate sex in an unlikely scenario, then go for it.
I don’t think you’ll hear him complaining.
2. Undress him.
This is lovingly innocent on the surface, but it can be incredibly arousing at the same time, especially if you’ve never undressed him seductively.
You can heighten his sexual arousal by drawing out the undressing process. Be sure to use your entire body to tease him in a way that says without words, “I promise you. I’m not just teasing.”
3. Make all the decisions in bed.
You can’t make all the decisions every time, of course, because that would just be selfish. But sometimes? Yes! Sometimes make him lay back as you direct what’s going to happen to him sexually.
He may find this particularly arousing if there is at least some light in the room, so he can see what you are doing. A closet light with the closet door slightly ajar works well. If you’re real organized, you could have candles in the room.
Of course, essential with all this is you need to develop good intuition on what he finds arousing. My guess is that if you are sexually assertive, he will give you feedback on what he relishes about such an experience.
Don’t think for a moment that it is wrong for a Christian wife to be sexually assertive.
You won’t find it anywhere in the Bible that only the husband can initiate sex or express intense sexual desire. You too have been given that privilege as a wife.
He is your husband, after all. You can have your way with him sexually. It’s in the delicious fine print of the covenant you share.
For more reading, don’t miss my post Why God Is So Thrilled When You and Your Husband Make Love.
Copyright 2018, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.