It’s one of the most common complaints wives have about sex.
They never or rarely have an orgasm.
Today I offer up some wisdom for you husbands who want to help your wife experience amazing sexual pleasure (wives, you’ll want to read too!)
Men, here’s what I would say:
1. Check your ego
I don’t know what you’ve heard in locker rooms or from guy friends or read in magazines or worse — seen in pornography — but if you want your wife to have a great orgasm, you might want to arrive on the scene with a healthy dose of authentic Christ-like humility.
It doesn’t sound overly sexy to admit that you don’t instinctively or instantly know how her body works. (Stay with me here, because I’m getting to the tips you really want).
There’s nothing sexier than you caring so much about her orgasm that you are willing to learn from her.
Truth be told, her body is not the easiest landscape for her to figure out either, which brings me to tip #2:
2. Be a leader! Be a follower!
As for your wife’s sexual pleasure, it’s a learned art, and the two of you are going to have to be students together on this one.
I hear from husbands who admit, “I don’t know what she wants.” Well, she probably doesn’t know what she wants either when it comes to what it will take for her to have an orgasm.
Or she does and she’s having a hard time communicating it.
Or she knows how to communicate it, but she’s afraid of hurting your ego. (I know. Ironic, considering point #1).
So, all this leaves the two of you in an interesting predicament.
Best way out of that predicament?
Be the leader and say to her, “Your sexual pleasure is important to me. I want us to learn what will help you have an orgasm. Making love isn’t just about my sexual pleasure. It’s also about yours.”
Now, you have to be a follower too. Invite her to give you feedback and show you what feels good for her.
A great sexual goal for the two of you is that you both feel safe and vulnerable to talk about and try new ways to arouse each other.
As long as the intimacy is happening exclusively between the two of you, neither of you is getting hurt, and you aren’t doing anything that is specifically forbidden by the Lord, then you have tremendous freedom to explore.
Go ye forth, wise man, and explore your wife’s body!
3. Ask her what helps her get in the mood for sex.
I wish I had a stock answer as to what it takes for a woman to be in the mood for sex.
Some wives love a hot relaxing bath or neck massage before getting it on with their husband; and for other wives, a hot bath or massage is just going to put them to sleep.
Some wives think it’s totally sexy that you would say, “Honey, I’m going to get the kids tucked into bed. And then I’m going to do the dishes. You take the time to do whatever you want.”
And for other wives, they like it better when the two of you together get those adorable little monkeys off to their
cages beds, and then you both clean up the kitchen.
Here’s the thing. I don’t know your wife. But you do.
Ask her what will help her relax before the two of you head off to the bedroom. Relaxation and being in the mood for sex will increase the likelihood that she’ll enjoy sex, maybe even pursue a mind-blowing orgasm.
And mind-blowing orgasms…wow. Just wow. Those are nice.
4. It’s not all about her clitoris.
Originally, I was going to title this tip something boring like “more foreplay.” But I thought throwing the word “clitoris” in there would better pique your attention.
I had you at clitoris, right?
Great sex for a wife isn’t all about what is happening between her legs. It’s also about a good mix of touches and kisses and arousal happening all over the rest of her body.
(Some women find it surprisingly arousing when you caress the back of their neck and just under their arms down the sides of their body and breasts, as well as play with their hair and caress their scalp. Might give those areas a try and see where it all leads).
Yes, I know it may feel frustrating it takes a woman more time than a man to become sexually aroused (generally speaking).
Instead of this frustrating you, let it motivate you to make sure that by the time she wants to climax hard, your effort on foreplay will make the experience exhilarating. For both of you.
5. Well. It’s quite a bit about her clitoris.
See, you knew I would come to this point eventually (no pun intended).
No shocker, but a woman’s body is complex. And no part of it screams complexity louder than her clitoris (and her sexual arousal in general). What works one night may not work the next.
But God — being a good and gracious God — put the anatomy there for a reason.
And the only purpose of the clitoris is her sexual pleasure. That’s it. It’s just waiting for the two of you to figure out how it works. Word to the wise, your hands and your mouth and her hands will be incredibly helpful in this learning process. Just sayin.
6. Deeper and harder is not always better.
Again, I don’t know why guys think rigorous and deep thrusting is all it takes to rock her world.
It’s not that deep thrusting never has its place, but be careful or your deep thrusting will cause more pain than pleasure.
As a husband, you wouldn’t be the first one to think that thrusting deep and hard is what ultimately brings her to a sexual peak — when all the while, the majority of the action that matters most to her needs to happen right above the entrance of her vagina, at her clitoris.
She may enjoy deeper and harder, but let her take the lead on this.
Better yet, ask her to be on top, where if she embraces this position, she’ll discover she has quite a bit of control over the pressure and stimulation on her clitoris. You might like a post I wrote called Sex Positions for the Rest of Us.
7. Commit to high standards of sexual integrity.
Sexual impropriety is a big turn off for wives.
If pornography and/or adultery are your thing or even if you let your eyes and heart wander toward other people, that’s a big problem. It makes her feel less than, and it certainly doesn’t arouse her.
When you commit to high standards of sexual integrity, you are telling her with your words and your actions that she alone is your desire. She is more likely to feel sexually safe with you.
And when she feels sexually safe with you, she’s more likely to be sexually vulnerable and pursue sexual pleasure with you.
And that, my friend, is where all the hot sex lives.
8. Touch her affectionately when you both are clothed.
If you’ve always used physical touch to indicate you want sex, then you’re going to have to rebuild her trust in this area.
You may have to say to her, “I know in the past whenever I’ve touched you, it seems I’ve had the motive of sex. I’m sorry about that. Will you forgive me?”
Then say, “I’m trying better to show my love for you, and one of the ways I long to do that is to touch you. So when I hug you or hold your hand or kiss you, please receive it as love.”
Of course, it’s not that your physical touch can’t have sexual undertones occasionally.
In fact, I think that’s the tenderness you both want to nurture — that you become so attuned to each other’s touch while clothed that you can read between the lines when indeed something sexual is being communicated.
I know that touch is not everyone’s love language, but I’ve yet to see a healthy marriage that can go too long without a good amount of non-sexual and sexual touch.
9. Tell her what sex means to you.
One of the biggest misconceptions too many wives have is they think sex is just sex for a guy.
But nearly every husband I hear from tells me otherwise — sex is about being close to and feeling loved by the woman next to him in this thing called life.
Does your wife know what it means to you when the two of you make love?
Does she know that it brings you great joy and affirmation to see her overcome by an intense orgasm?
Does she know that when the two of you have amazing sex, you feel better equipped to do nearly everything else in your life (working, being a dad, volunteering, etc.)?
Anyway, for a lot of wives, it can become a huge turn on once she knows she is the one who is it for her husband — the one who exclusively has the privilege to sexually arouse him and fulfill him.
Help her understand what sex means to you.
10. Occasionally, make sex all about her.
I know this seems to go against my generally heralded belief that sex is a mutual experience.
But seriously, every now then, there’s just something about focusing completely on her sexual pleasure. (Yes, the opposite is true too — there are times it should be all about your pleasure — but because this post is about her orgasm, we’ll stay on point).
Even though a lot of women won’t admit it, many are aroused by the idea of being pursued sexually.
They are captivated by what it feels like when their husband lovingly, yet with much determination, makes her sexual pleasure the only priority in that moment. There’s just something about being taken, so to speak.
And a nice side benefit is you are turned on by her being turned on, and that my friend will bode well for how the entire experience goes.
So there you have it. 10 tips to help your wife have that elusive GREAT orgasm that will be an incredible boost for both of you. Any other ideas you have? Please comment.
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Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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52 thoughts on “10 BEST Tips to Help Your Wife Have a Great Orgasm”
Thank you for these tips. They are helpful. But, I confess that #8 gave me some pause. I get that women like to be touched non-sexually; so do I for that matter. I get that women need time to warm up to sex. But I sincerely hope that, in order for warmup foreplay to be effective, we have to pretend we’re *not* engaging in warmup foreplay. That seems to turn lovemaking into a romantic game of cat and mouse rather than one-flesh intimacy. I’m reminded of Cary Grant’s lament in North by Northwest, “Whenever I meet a beautiful woman, I have to conceal the fact that I want to make love to her.” Setting aside his obvious context of extramarital sex, I hope that marital sex doesn’t become a game of a husband having to pretend he doesn’t want sex in order to motivate his wife to want it. I would give anything to believe that my wife wants me sexually for no other reason than she’s my wife and loves me, not because I have successfully seduced her by pretending I don’t want sex. I hope I can be totally honest with my wife about my sexual desires without turning her off (keeping in mind that *her* pleasure is my greatest desire). And, I hope I never have to ask my wife’s forgiveness for desiring her sexually.
@e2 Perhaps #8 is not about pretending you don’t want your wife sexually, but about affirming you want her in other ways as well. If this evening when I arrive home after work, I tell my husband I got a promotion, I would expect a congratulatory hug and kiss, with no sexual intent involved due to his delight for me and with me about this accomplishment. If my best friend dies suddenly, I expect comforting touch with no sexual intend involved. If I’m vomiting, he holds my hair back, helps me to bed and lovingly applies a cold compress to my forehead. On a Sunday afternoon walk, he holds my hand and intentionally walks on the street side of the sidewalk. These connections do not mean he is not interested in sex. They do mean he is interested in our relationship, in knowing me, in caring for me. They make me feel loved and secure and respected. That makes sex better for me.
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@Reba, thank you for your thoughts, and I fully agree. But, I didn’t get that from Julie’s post. There are times when, while walking through the kitchen, I will touch my wife in a decidedly sexual way. It is my way of telling her that, at our advanced ages, I still think she’s hot and, as an expression of my marital love, I still lust after her body. I never want to have to apologize for desiring my wife.
Understood. Julie also shares that the apology might be necessary if one has NEVER touched his wife in a way other than with sexual intent. I hear her saying not to apologize for your sexual desire, but for the lack of anything other than sexual desire. I would think the “walking through the kitchen…” touch you describe is more welcome when there is also lots of non-sexual touch in the relationship.
On #6, I somewhat disagree. In fact, while I don’t disagree that it isn’t “always better”, I’d add a counterpoint to #6 much like you did between #4 and #5.
So how about 6.5?
Sometimes, deeper and harder is better. Men, when we want it, sometimes we want it so don’t hold back. Pound us. Let us have it. It’s okay, we can take it.
I guess I can understand if a wife feels as if her husband is only touching her sexually but not affectionately, but, as a man, it is very hard for me to separate the two as if I can be affectionate without being sexual. My hugs and kisses and hand-holdings are both affectionate and sexual and I can’t just sift out my sexual feelings. But, if I don’t sift out my sexual feelings, my wife gets annoyed, which is what I read into Julie’s post.
In one sense, I can appreciate the feminine annoyance with male lust. It seems that, as soon as you begin to develop, boys want to stare at you and touch you. But, from a male perspective, I can honestly say I have never felt my wife lusting for my body, wanting to gaze upon my naked body parts or touch them for *her* selfish pleasure. Yes, she touches me plenty for my pleasure (which I greatly appreciate), and I’m sure she gets the pleasure of knowing she is lovingly pleasing me, but I never get the sense that she wants to touch me for her own sexual pleasure, the same as I would when I touch her body. So, what you ladies might find annoying, we men long for, which is probably why Julie’s most popular post was the one on a wife truly desiring her husband sexually. Yes, it’s that important to us.
e2, your wife is a blessed woman. I do truly desire my husband sexually. He loves me, I think, but he does not long for me or lust after me at all. I do not find his touch annoying, I crave it. However, he does not touch me nearly as much as I’d like, nor long for me the way most husbands do their wives. I wish I was that important to my husband.
As a fairly young woman who is fit and healthy, I do not know what the issue is. He does not see the issue and he wonders why I have such a hard time believing that he loves me or is even mildly attracted to me.
I wish all the wives in typical situations where her husband longs for her would realize what an incredible blessing that it.
Thank you, but I am far more blessed than my wife. She is an amazing woman in many, many ways, and I am so glad I married her those many, many years ago. No, her libido isn’t where I would prefer it, but that does nothing to diminish the many other ways in which she continues to love, respect, and bless me. And, through many conversations, we are gaining a greater understanding of each other’s needs and desires. So, yes, I am blessed.
I will continue to pray for you and your husband.
@e2, that is beautiful. You and your wife seem to have a wonderful marriage and I am truly happy for you. Your last comment was very uplifting.
@e2 Given the hormonal differences between men and women, I’m not sure we are able to desire our husbands they way they desire us. I am not wired to be sexually aroused by seeing his naked body or by touching him.
I appreciate your explanation of not being able to separate sexual touch from affectionate touch. Some of us struggle to associate sexual pleasure with being loved and respected, and we do well to remember the honorable intentions of the one doing the touching.
Thank you for the honest response. I tend to agree that I’m probably wanting more from my wife than she’s wired by God to give.
I’m beginning to think part of the gender disconnect is in the way each gender associates sex with love. It occurs to me that we men are capable of enjoying sex without romantic love, which understandably makes little sense to you ladies. On the other hand, women seem capable of feeling romantic love without sexual desire, which makes little sense to us men.
Many of us women also grow up in this crazy post-paradisic dichotomy that not every man who shows interest in us has honorable and honest intentions. We sometimes learn the hard way that romantic AND sexual feelings – awoken by someone who we thought might be the Right one – do often lead to heartbreak and sorrow. Thus, we learn to put our guards up.
It is not that women are less sexual than men, in the whole. Individual differences aside, the female gender is very sensual and sexual! I am sure the first couple had no trouble relating to each other in that area!
But… we are no longer living in the paradise, we are living in the fallen world surrounded by the consequences. That’s why relationships can be tough… and hard work.
Also, I’d like to add that having read quite a bit on the subject of domestic abuse recently, unwanted touch is a huge factor: many women perceive it as sexual abuse when they are being groped and grabbed by their husbands – especially when they have repeatedly told him ‘no’. For most women, it is demeaning and belittling, and feels like we are being used as an object.
Even if the husband’s motives are completely benign and there is no abuse in the marriage relationship, certain types of touching can make the woman feel very uncomfortable and dirty.
There is an excellent Christian web site called “Crying out for Justice” that deals with abuse, and I would recommend it for anyone, married or single, to get familiar with the many faces of this topic.
I don’t doubt at all what you say, but I hope you can understand the confusion we men feel. One woman feels used and demeaned if her husband “gropes” her breast, but another woman (I’m guessing B, for instance) would crave such a grope. Lori wants to be pounded, whereas another wife might feel as if she’s being raped.
Early in our marriage, I was very leery of pursuing sex precisely because I didn’t want my wife to feel used, demeaned and like an object. I wanted her to know that I wasn’t one of those sex-craved Neanderthals, so, I intentionally waited for a clear signal from her that she was interested in sex before doing anything. One night, after we had been married about 10 years, I found her in bed crying; she explained that she felt very unattractive because I never initiated sex (much like B). So, for the next four days, I initiated and we made glorious love, after which she said she felt like I only married her for her body.
So, yes, we guys are confused. We try a playful breast brush in the kitchen only to learn later it was a demeaning grope. And, it kinda defeats the purpose to ask my wife in the kitchen, “Would you like me to touch your breast right now?” If she doesn’t, she’ll say, “No, is that all you ever think about?” and if she does, she’ll say, “If you want to touch my breast, just do it, don’t ask first.”
*Sigh* It is so much easier to just sit back and wait until a wife initiates sex.
No doubt, you are a kind and considerate husband… and would never want your wife to feel used and abused in any way.
However, there are many men who do act abusively, emotionally, spiritually and sexually. The common thread in many abusive marriages is the sexual element: groping, touching and grabbing in general are considered as sexual molestation and harassment, and many (perhaps not all) women *do* perceive such acts as demeaning and abusive. Not to mention a complete turn-off.
Even if marriage is otherwise going great, men need to consider women’s feelings regarding their expressions of desire. Generally, kindness and respect go a long way to keep her ‘in the mood’.
e2, you have aptly described my sex life with my wife. It is really a “catch 22”. It is much easier now to let my wife initiate (gives signals that she might want sex such wearing sexy lingerie…she is uncomfortable with true initiating). Results are not good (sex every 3-4 weeks) but at least we are not sexless.
@NGal wrote, “Generally, kindness and respect go a long way to keep her ‘in the mood’.”
That has not been my experience. My wife has made it clear that her libido drop has nothing to do with anything I do, but is simply a function of age, which she is more than willing to accept, while at the same continuing to try to accept my ongoing sexual needs and meet them, if not quite with the frequency I would prefer.
Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate your thoughts and encouragement. Of course, I agree that kindness and respect are essential in marriage, and I will continue to work at showing them, even if it means concealing my honest sexual desire in order to protect her from feeling like an object. But I don’t want to delude myself into believing that it will have an effect on my wife’s desire, when to date it hasn’t.
@e2 You make some strong points. While kindness and respect may not “keep her in the mood” the lack of those elements in a marriage will likely make it more difficult for her to “get” in the mood. Also, I would think the consistent presence of kindness and respect might help her associate sexual pleasure with positive emotions.
Agreed. In the absence of some level of kindness and respect, I can’t imagine any wife (or husband for that matter), easily getting in the mood for sexual intimacy.
My wife’s negative emotions about sex are produced primarily by what is shown on the news. Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, Bill Cosby, Anthony Weiner… man after man throwing away his good reputation for what my wife describes as “ten seconds of pleasure.” While she is becoming more empathetic toward my needs, I think she has a hard time drawing a distinction between my sexual desire and that of these other failed men, which is why I sense a need to somewhat conceal the intensity of my desire. I don’t want her to think I’m one of “those” men. I also think she would agree with a comment you previously made that what we have done in bed has little to do with love. Because she continues to love me while having a very weak libido, she has a hard time associating sexual desire with love.
The problem in our marriage isn’t addressed here. I do all those things. But feedback from my wife as to what she wants? Seldom happens despite repeated asking. I really think that she thinks that somehow I am supposed to know, or to read her mind. I am good, but not that good.
We had a wonderful courtship. There was a lot of passion and romance and no sex. We started marriage as virgins. I married her because she met all the major qualifications I had but most particularly because she responded to me, emotionally, physically, romantically and her responses were certain, obvious and unambiguous. Then we had a wonderful first year of marriage until our oldest was born. We were making love almost every day. But after or first was born she was always, busy, sick, tired, busy, sick, tired, etc. ad infinitum. Oh, we did have sex, usually once a week or so. Do you know what that is like for a 20 something? It is agony. But trying new positions? No for many years and then only grudgingly. Consider oral sex? No way in hell. Try something new? Even something small? Again, no for many years and then only reluctantly.
The second major reason I wanted to marry her is that I felt like we could talk about anything. But after our first was born that also collapsed.
The woman I married was a real doer. But she was a good balance of Mary and Martha. After our first was born the Mary part disappeared. After many years (30+) she “seems” to be returning. But why? I have no idea.
I always remained in love with the woman that I married. But after the first year some workaholic, I have to be in the middle of everything and be in control of everything, etc., etc. took her place. Even now the wife of my youth has only partially reappeared. Will she vanish again? Who knows? Why did she start to return? Don’t know that either. Can’t believe I was able to remain faithful to such a stingy and cold woman.
My empathy goes to you both… and still, your love is worth congratulations, as you both have tasted the cup of sacrifice for the other’s sake.
I have read and heard many men telling how their wives are otherwise wonderful – perfect caree women, excellent housekeepers, great cooks, bakers, mommies… but have no more energy or interest for their husbands.
It baffles me as it seems there are many men who wanted, and got, this perfect woman… she has all these strengths and excellent qualities the world admires.. that’s why their husbands fell in love with them.
It’s tragic in the sense that after all, men don’t seem to really be happy with those ‘superwomen’, and many of us single women who are NOT super women, are still single, because we do not have those outward qualities… Yes, I can cook well, I can keep an apartment clean, I can bake and I love gardening.. but those are not my ultimate strengths – my deepest passion would be to have a husband and share God’s love with him.. emotionally and physically.
Obviously, we cannot go around advertising our sexuality – ‘hey, look at me, I’ll always be ready for you!’ but women are allowed to flaunt their other strengths – careers, education, etc etc…
Perhaps Christian men need to learn to really look into their own hearts and ask God what is it they really need in a wife. If they pray for a respectable looking career woman, well then… they should not be surprised if that’s what they get.
Meanwhile, many single women are praying for opportunities to meet Christ-loving men, who actually – gasp – want and appreciate a sexual woman… even though if she isn’t wealthy by societal standards.
I didn’t know you were single. When I was single and found myself attracted to my wife, it had nothing to do with all of those things you mentioned. Yes, she’s smart, industrious, a great cook and, as I later learned, a wonderful mother and now grandmother. But, I wasn’t looking for any of that. What I wanted most was a woman who treated me with respect and even admired me. Yes, it sounds selfish of me, but as a man, my greatest emotional need is to feel respected and admired. I won’t lie; it helped that she enjoyed making out (and was a really good kisser), which makes it such a surprise now that she can go weeks without even a peck and has told me she does not enjoy French kissing.
So, it makes me wonder. What is it, if anything, about a man’s sexuality that generates admiration in a woman for a man (especially a low-libido woman)? Can “admiration” and “male sexuality” even be used together in the same sentence? All too often, we see the sordid side of male sexuality, and it seems the only admirable quality a man can have is to control, even squelch, his sexual desires. I often feel that, the more I express my desire to my wife, the *less* she respects me. NGal, you listed off things men love about their wives. My wife has often told me the many things she respects about me, but my desire for her sexually has never been on her list. So, NGal, and you other ladies, what is it about a man’s sexuality and his desire that would make you actually admire him as a man?
I can only say that self-control (restrained strength) definitely is admirable and a turn on to many women (including me)
That is truly virtuous, a real sign of masculinity .All those Biblical virtues are what makes a man respectable and desirable (see Proverbs and Galatians – the fruit of the Spirit is self-control)
That means that a man knows how and when to use his strengths – including his sexuality-, not that he’ll never get to use them..! (there is time and place for everything!) Does that make sense?
I agree with NGal. Not that I disapprove of my husband’s sexuality or desire for me. But male sexuality and desire are commonplace, and we tend to admire attributes that make someone stand out from the mainstream. Self control in these areas communicates respect to women since we live in a culture where we are constantly objectified. And that respect results in mutual respect and admiration.
“what is it about a man’s sexuality and his desire that would make you actually admire him as a man?” Him recognizing that sexuality and desire are powerful forces often used to harm women, his refusal to participate in such activities, and particularly his speaking and acting against such activities.
Makes perfect sense in more ways than you may think. Thank you very much.
Thank you, Reba.
@e2 “What is it about a man’s sexuality and his desire that would make you actually admire him as a man?”
This is actually such a foreign way of thinking to me that I can’t really even wrap my mind around the question. To me, those are physical things separate from any man’s person or being that have nothing to do with the real ‘him’.
To me, that would be no different than asking a man, “What is about how a woman nurses a baby that makes you respect her more in her profession?” The two don’t seem to have anything to do with each other.
Thank you for such an honest response, and I can understand how you might feel that way.
A man’s sexuality is never just a physical thing and has *everything* to do with the real “him”. We want to feel respected for our God-given sexual desire for our wives every bit as much as for what we do in our professions.
According to Emerson Eggerichs in “Love and Respect” a man’s greatest emotional need is to feel respected whereas a woman’s greatest emotional need is to feel loved, which explains why Ephesians 5:33 reads as it does. He further says that, when a woman feels loved, she typically responds with respect, and when a man feels respected, he tends to respond with love.
Now, we men tend to want to express romantic love sexually (of course there are exceptions as B’s situation proves). In my heart of hearts, my desire to touch my wife sexually is an expression of my romantic love for her. My natural hope is that, when she sees me wanting to make love to her, she would respond with admiration for such a loving husband, as does the bride in Song of Solomon.
But, she doesn’t. Like others have indicated, my wife tends to feel objectified if I touch her sexually before she’s ready, and I have painfully learned that the fact that she’s my wife is not enough to make her ready. She is more likely to respect and admire me when I *restrain* my passions, so much so that the thought of admiring me *because* I desire her and want to give her sexual pleasure is a thoroughly foreign concept.
I guess I can accept that this is the way it is, but deep inside, I don’t think it’s the way God intended it.
@e2 Thank you for the explanation. There is a reason I am reading this blog and need help. Your explanation was very enlightening. I would have never, ever thought of that, especially not for men. When I think of sex for men, it seems to be something that most men can do without any emotional attachment. I would not have expected love to factor all that much into it. The relationship, yes. The sex, no.
I guess men are a lot more like women than I thought. It also explains some of the real problems that my husband and I have had over the years. I struggled deeply with resentment over his constant requests while I was struggling with very young children, nighttime feedings, etc. It took me a few years to let go of my own bitterness that built up as I felt like I had another child who was making demands on me instead of helping me and throwing temper tantrums when I was getting 4 hours of sleep a night or less – and not in a row. To expect me to give up a night’s sleep for sex when I had three children 2 and under, I felt was totally unreasonable (and not even safe) when he would still get another 6 hours as he obviously was not equipped to nurse the babies. During those years, he never explained to me that he wanted me out of love. I felt like he wanted me out of a unsatiated physical drive and only had me as his legitimate option for a sexual partner. He would get so angry at our going months without sex while I would be stumbling around the house, sometimes falling asleep as soon as I sat down, I was so exhausted.
What really damaged us was when he called me “The Ice Queen” one night when he came home late from work without any notice yet again, left all his stuff in a pile by the door, made a mess in the kitchen and told me, “I want sex. Just give it to me. It’s been five months. I need to relax. I had a really stressful day. Just come here.” When he fell asleep, I poured a bucket of ice water over his head, soaking the mattress. When he woke up screaming, I said, “Present from your Ice Queen. Go to a hotel. I’ll tell you when you can come home.”
That gives you an idea of where we came from. We are doing much, much better. 🙂
We love each other dearly and are actually building a relationship like we both wished we could have, but I still don’t understand him very well. The feeling is mutual.
I often begin my foreplay… hugs and cuddling and kisses… in the kitchen. My wife loves it when I do things to help her, so doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen is something that can “get her in the mood”.
One thing that you didn’t mention, but that made a BIG difference for us: I make sure that my fingers are VERY wet and slippery when I start to play between her legs and begin to tease her clit. It is MUCH better for her.
You’re definitely correct when you say that a woman’s body can be difficult to figure out. Over the years, I have learned to “read” her reactions… breathing, tenseness, sounds, wetness, nipples, etc… as a way to know what she likes. She very rarely gives me any verbal feedback.
One of my struggles is trying to figure out how to stimulate her “g spot”. I have managed to be successful at that only a couple of times… and she enjoyed it. But it seems so elusive to find just the right location. Any suggestions?
@e2 “a man’s sexuality is never just a physical thing and has *everything* to do with the real “him.”
Growing up female, we are constantly bombarded by or victims of “young stud” behaviors. Not good lessons to learn. I turned into a young adult with the attitude that guys sex drive is demeaning, disgusting and rather animalistic. To me, it is a man’s greatest weakness. Thus, I do admire his ability to control it.
How often do husbands hound their wives for sex when they get horny? Yes, the male sex drive is a physical thing. I often get confused as to when my husband needs sex vs. when he needs connection.
I have always separated my husbands sexuality from my husband. I accept it. I deal with it. I can even enjoy that “part” of him. But, no, I would never use admiration and male sexuality in the same sentence. I didn’t grow up with that experience.
Men’s sexuality hasn’t earned a very good reputation. And men and our culture perpetuate that reputation.
Can’t imagine the male readers are impressed by comparing sex with dirty diapers and such.
Actually Reba, I was impressed by the comparison to dirty diapers. If dirty diapers can be dealt with without more than an occasional complaint, then why can’t a wife deal with her husband. Just saw this play out this weekend with the grandchild getting brought over and tended to (including me tending), but I was nowhere near being on the calendar.
Your post was a breath of fresh air to this man, given that I was beginning to think that God’s greatest mistake in creation was the male sex drive. I saw in your post a beautiful blending of the passion of Eros love and the self-sacrifice of Agape love, and, Reba, that’s where I find the dirty diaper analogy very appropriate.
As I see it, Eros is the passion, the hormonal desire for sexual intimacy. It’s easy to see Eros as only selfish, but as C.S. Lewis says in “The Four Loves,” the first thing Eros does is obliterate the distinction between the selfish and selfless. Thus, my strongest selfish desire is to give sexual pleasure to my wife even though she doesn’t want to receive it as often as I want to give it. Likewise, J says that her husband’s pleasure is her pleasure.
But, as we’ve been discussing, marriage is obviously more than unbridled Eros. It is blended with the unselfish Agape, the love of the will whereby we choose to do good to our beloved even if our hormones are telling us otherwise (hence the dirty diapers). For me, as you and NGal have pointed out, Agape might mean controlling and restraining my Eros so that my wife doesn’t feel pressured into feeling sexual pleasure she doesn’t want. For J, selfless Agape means making love to her husband when her hormones are saying, “not now”; and, it seems that, when she makes that unselfish choice, she finds herself rewarded with hormonal pleasure of her own.
@ southern gent Would you prefer to be desired rather than “dealt with?”
I’ve learned many things through this and other blogs, including that every human is different.
I’ve also learned that we men feel more emotions that we can identify and, if we do identify them, we have a very hard time verbalizing them. When my wife feels romantic love, she says “I love you” or writes me a note. When I feel romantic love, I touch her breasts.
Bonnie over at Bonnie’s Oysterbed has an excellent post on the hormones of sex. http://www.oysterbed7.com/why-sex/. In it, she explains that both men and women have oxytocin, that feel-good bonding hormone. You ladies have about ten times as much as we men, and it flows from a wide variety of activities. We men have much less, and it tends to spike only during sex. So, to get the same connected high that you get from hearing “I love you,” or dancing or being serenaded, we try to have sex. Unfortunately, instead of saying, “I feel close to you when we make love,” we say, “I want sex.” J Parker at Hot, Holy and Humorous recently had a post about decifering man-speak. http://hotholyhumorous.com/2016/02/a-wifes-guide-to-sexual-man-speak/
Yes, we men experience a need for physical release that you ladies don’t necessarily share. As semen builds up, it needs to be regularly released, just as your breast milk needed to be released when you were nursing your babies. If we don’t expel semen on a regular basis, our private parts can become tender and painful, and our hormones get so whacked out that we become tense and irritable. When it happens in marriage, we also feel unloved. It’s all hormonal, and certainly nothing that any of us would choose to feel if we had a choice.
From the time we men develop sexually as teenagers, we wrestle with our desires. We go through the majority of our lives not understanding our own bodies and living in shame and guilt for wanting sex so much. We hope to find relief from this turmoil in marriage, only to find that when it comes to sex and women, we just don’t have a clue. Hence most of us go to our graves having never experienced the sex lives we had hoped for and feeling guilty for having hoped for it.
I know I shouldn’t be reading here since I’m the odd woman out, and my husband doesn’t find me as desireable as other husbands fund their wives. Again, he says he does, but actions speak far louder.
I must say to the other ladies, PLEASE learn to view your husbands sexuality as a gift to you. I am a woman who longs to be attractive to and desired by her husband. Again, he is generous with the flowery words, but his actions tell me they are just words and have no real meaning.
Some of you may feel that the male sex drive is annoying. But try being a wife who doesn’t have the reminder of her husband’s true love shown through his sexual desire (which is how it’s supposed to be) and you might quickly change your mind.
@e2 I will be be brutally honest. I don’t even understand what dh means when he says “I love you.” That may seem strange, but I don’t. I can see the results of his love like provision, but that may also be him simply discharging his moral obligation. I don’t really understand what love means to him. He can be aloof, rough, angry, demanding, etc. in the same sentence as he says “I love you.” If I point out the disparity, he is confused as to what the two have to do with each other. I don’t understand, and it’s hard to appreciate his physical affection while doubting his love is real.
That’s the bottom line of our problems for me.
CERTAINLY I would like to be desired. The best attitude I get lately is the “deal with” attitude. It can be worse than that.
I sympathize deeply with what you described. Women may not experience the same direct physical discomfort for lack of sex, but we can get physical symptoms because of rejection and unwanted singleness.
Years ago, as a young woman, I could not understand how an ‘older’ (then 40) lady explained how years of disappointments had messed her up metabolism and caused IBS, among other ailments… the nervous tension was behind her health issues.
Thankfully, God soon led her to a honorable man, who appreciated her and married her.
I am in that age group now, in my 40’s, and the years of unwanted singleness, broken dream, being overlooked as a woman and ignored by the Christian men I found desirable, finally caused me hormonal and thyroid problems. Not a good deal..
Praise God, I am doing fine, taking good care of me, eating healthily, taking some helpful supplements, and most of all casting my cares to the Lord..
The main cause of stress, being rejected, is equally harmuful to women as it is to men.
It just shows how we all have our challenges.
Churches are full of married people, who are unfullfilled in their marriages… and full of singles, unfullfilled in our unwanted singleness.
If a single woman even dares to admit she would prefer to be married, as God intended, the reaction often is very cruel and dismissive.. ‘Just focus on the Lord!’
Wanting and praying for all other things is acceptable, but desiring marriage obviously is not – the women are labeled as ‘desperate’ and so on…’
Meanwhile, the m.o. of most Christian men – avoidance… (even if they suffer from sexual frustration… and especially, if they do!)
I have learned the hard way that no matter how inncently and nicely a woman says something to a man, that can be seen as an intrusion and an attack against the male purity and freedom..
and when we women do NOT want to have more rejection, and keep our distance, we are labeled as cold and arrogant..
You see, it is a no-win situation…. everyone suffers.
I doubt that any words have caused more confusion than, “I love you,” and the confusion flows both ways.
I think one difference between men and women is that we guys use words to impart information, whereas you ladies use words to express feelings. I think this is due, in part, to your higher levels of oxytocin. When you say or hear “I love you,” I’m guessing your brain releases (or is supposed to release) oxytocin, which makes you feel close and bonded to your husband. That doesn’t happen to me as a guy. When I say and hear “I love you,” I feel very little emotionally. I’m simply conveying information to my wife. I’m telling her that I want her to feel happy and blessed until death parts us. I try to give her those feelings by remaining faithfully married to her, providing for her, valuing her opinion in decision making, spending time with her, and, yes, making love to her while not pressuring her for lovemaking she doesn’t want. It doesn’t naturally occur to me that the words themselves can make her feel happy and blessed. I don’t naturally think of “I love you” as an act of love in itself. I see it as a statement of fact that points to other acts of love.
Rather, I get a boost of oxytocin when my wife kisses me, not when she says “I love you.” I think that’s just a gender thing, and on an emotional level, there’s some truth to the old joke that, on his wedding day, a man told his wife, “I love you, and if that ever changes, I’ll let you know.” We sometimes feel that way. “I just told her last week that I love her; why does she need to hear it again?” I think it helps me to understand that those words generate emotional feelings in a woman like a kiss does to me. Two seconds after a kiss, I want another one, and another, and another.
Different love languages also come into play. your husband says “I love you,” and is then harsh with you. I, too, can say “I love you” to my wife after treating her with harsh impatience. Like you, she appreciates kind words. Unfortunately, I often take out the stresses of life, including the stress of an unsatisfying sex life, on her (I don’t have a dog to kick). I fully understand the discord she feels in those situations, and I’m trying hard to improve. Unfortunately, it also means I don’t say “I love you” nearly enough because I fear she won’t believe me. In my heart, I never want to give her a reason to doubt my love, but I confess I often do.
As I said, it flows both ways. She can say, “I love you,” and then go weeks without any desire to kiss me. But, for me, it’s the touch that releases oxytocin, not the words, and without the touch, oxytocin *never* gets released in me. I could go the rest of my life without ever hearing “I love you,” if she just wanted to kiss me on a regular basis. On the other hand, she could go the rest of her life without sex, if only my words would be full of grace, seasoned with salt.
I guess the only thing I can do is work on my part, and let her do hers.
I know it’s not much help, but hopefully you’ll at least know you’re not alone.
May I say, you have a very eloquent way of conveying information. I have read your previous posts and thoroughly appreciate your description of maleness.
Yours words have given me much to reflect upon. For that I thank you.
We are all the sum of our genes, experiences, culture, hormones, dreams, and expectations.
Sadly, one of the most rewarding experiences in my life has ended up causing myself and my husband much pain and suffering. In turn, that is why I have been visiting sites like this one. I’m looking for tid-bits and suggestions on how I can better myself for the sake of our marriage.
Before I married, I spent a couple of years working as a sexual assault victim advocate.
The things I heard and saw could make a pornography director quit the profession. The inflictors were not strangers in alleys. They were dads, brothers, friends, husbands, pastors, and neighbors. Normal everyday guys. I learned that sex and love don’t always go hand in hand. Is this right? Absolutely not. Is in reality? I’m afraid very much so.
The only saving grace for my marriage has been that my husband and I were dating at the time and he was able to see the devastating affects the experience had on my emotions and my attitudes regarding male sexuality.
He has stuck with me through some pretty rough patches in our sexual union. He is kind, loving, and knows the workings of the male mind. He does not defend his gender and their attitudes, though he still has his needs. (I hate that expression)
Counseling has helped me work on the ability to try to fulfill those needs but it will never be able to fuse my separation of “the man and his sexuality”. I believe that is a scar that will never heal properly.
I still have great confusion regarding the male physical drive to be sexual vs feeling loved through sex. Men can easily have sex without feeling love, but cannot feel loved without sex. Very confusing and depressing to me.
I have never felt an internal drive to be sexual. I don’t get sexually aroused by hugging my husband. I can go a longtime without sexual contact. That’s very confusing and depressing for him.
I know my husband will probably go to his grave never experiencing the sex life he had hoped for. For that I feel guilty.
On the other hand, I will go to my grave with the knowledge that I (my true self) can never truly be loved by a man without giving him my body.
We are all controlled by our hormones. I encourage everyone to read “The Female Brain” by Louann Brizendine, MD.
Low Libido has nothing to do with Love.
e2 I thank you for your willingness to try and understand the female gender. I tip my hat to you sir.
Speaking of #8 I so dislike when my husband thinks he is being loving and caring, by touching my knee,it’s a matter of seconds and his hand is inching ever so fast to a place that he is not getting nowhere near!
It is when he thinks he can just do that,I don’t know, I do have issues with a few things like he thinks that he owns my body. I am pretty stubborn,I will admit. When he does this, it is every time that I would rather he just be there and not for his own pleasure!
Thank you for your kind words, and I can fully appreciate how your experience as a advocate would affect you the way it has.
You commented that “Low Libido has nothing to do with Love.” I’ve heard that enough that I’m starting to believe it. But, honestly, I don’t like it. You see, my logical male brain tells me that if low libido has nothing to do with love, then neither does high libido. In other words, whether my wife desires me sexually has nothing to do with how she feels about me emotionally. I don’t want to believe that. I want to believe that, if I make her feel loved, then she’ll desire me sexually. Then, I at least have some hope that I can do something to increase her desire. But, if her lack of desire has nothing to do with love, then I am left hopeless. Yes, I can, and will, continue to love her, but without any hope that it will have any effect on her libido. I don’t want to dwell on that too much; it’s too depressing.
e2, Don’t lose your hope. It sounds like your wife has lots her passion, not her love for you. At least you know she used to enjoy ‘making out with you’, as you have stated earlier.
Perhaps she assumes (like many people) that now, as a ‘grown-up’ mature adult, these things no longer apply, and she should forget about that side of life..
It might be an overall perspective.
Keep praying that God will re-kindle that spark in her heart, – not only for you, but towards life in general. He can do that!
You wrote, ” I do have issues with a few things like he thinks that he owns my body.”
I hate to say it, but in a very real sense, he does. In 1 Cor. 7, Paul wrote, “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”
Now, don’t get me wrong. Paul didn’t write those words so that your husband could demand his property rights against your will. Rather, he wrote them to encourage you to freely and lovingly present your body as a gift to your husband for his pleasure.
My wife has my complete permission to touch my body anywhere she wants whenever she wants in any manner she wants. Moreover, she has complete permission to command my body, by directing my hands to the parts of her body where she might want to be touched. All of this is for her pleasure although at present, sexual pleasure is not very important to her.
Jesus was constantly giving us this type of message; “give to the one who takes from you.” You can’t feel like a used victim if you freely offer what is being taken. And, maybe, if you let his hand inch “ever so fast to a place that he is not getting nowhere near” you might find you enjoy it just as much as he does.
@e2 I find it helpful to understand the passage in terms of responsibility to care for one another’s bodies. When God gave humankind authority over all creation, the intent is that we exercise stewardship and care for God’s creation. We can apply the same principle here.
It is certain that women are cultured – from girlhood, to deny or repress their sexuality, and communicate about it in more “Victorian” terms.
I dont think women and men are that different, biologically or emotionally. Men feel. Women feel.
Men need sex. Women need sex. How it comes together though, is more of a cultural, educational,and socialization difference. It really comes to roost in a woman’s adulthood- with marriage, and when a child is born. Conflicts, Identity. Socialization. Needs. Wants.
But women do want sex. So do men. She however has been cultured to believe she needs love. or touch, or for you to take out the garbage, or this, or that..
to help to get her “in the mood”
But theres pretty conclusive recent brain studies which demonstrate that despite the belief that women need a certain “mood” in order to start sex- the reality is, they release the neurochemicals for sex, (ie “the mood”) after they start engaging sexually. Once a married couple starts..it feels good.. and miraculously, the “mood” comes! (Its hormones bathing the brain) The problem with most couples is simply they don’t start, and come up with what they think are good reasons. kitchen touch. (taking out the garbage. maybe that will get her in the mood?)
These things have no relationship to the secretion of the neurochemicals a woman needs-any more than eating protein makes the pancreas secrete insulin. The physiology simply doesn’t work that way.
The “mood” (hormone release) does happen before starting sex.. in a new relationship, when a sex partner is new. (a reproductive instinct)
But after time nurturing comes in and ya gotta start somethin’ first or you’ll be waiting for weeks, months, years..for the “mood” to come.
Regardless of the debate, and possibly venom I anticipate, I praise Julie for her no nonsense, grown up, 21st century communication about the topic, and her courage to challenge the ol’ traditionalists-
which I am guessing she hears from!