marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
How Long Can a Marriage Go Without Sex?
Mar
Well.
Some marriages go decades without sex, so the question of “can” doesn’t really get at the heart of the matter.
A better question is, “What happens when a marriage goes a long time without sex… for no justifiable reason?”
I always have to add that disclaimer in there, because there are some marriages plagued by chronic illnesses and injuries that make any kind of sexual intimacy impossible.
But most marriages? Yeah, in most marriages, sex IS an option. My guess is if you are reading this right now, sex IS an option in your marriage — yet it never or rarely occurs.
What does happen when a marriage goes a long time — maybe even years or decades — without sex?
Here are 10 things I think can happen (in no particular order).
Ongoing lack of sexual intimacy in a marriage…
1. Stirs resentment.
Sex is never just about sex. It’s about soul mingling, which is a vital aspect of marriage that is found in no other human relationship. When I wrote the post “I like him better after we have sex,” I meant it.
Consistent and mutually-enjoyable sexual intimacy in a marriage equips us to extend grace, to be kinder toward one another, to do life together.
So it’s no wonder, that when you take sex out, resentment is eager to arrive on the scene.
2. Fosters distance.
I think we intuitively recognize when there is distance between us and our spouse. Distance is different than resentment, but still equally damaging.
Sex is a vivid reminder in a marriage that we are “in this together.” It’s not surprising that when couples report going long stretches without making love, they feel “distant” from one another.
And that distance begins to chip away at all the things that give marriage richness and strength — vulnerability, friendship, shared joys, common ground.
3. Reduces your marriage to roommate status.
Sure, the two of you pay the bills and run the house. You share the chores. You raise the kids. You mow the lawn. You decorate the Christmas tree. And you run the carpool.
BUT… without physical and emotional intimacy… all of that roommatish stuff barely qualifies as a high and holy definition of marriage.
I would be a wealthy woman if I had a dollar every time I heard someone express to me that their marriage exists, but it never thrives — in large part because of the lack of sex.
Roommate status in a marriage sucks. It just does.
4. Dishonors God.
God designed marriage and sex — and He designed them to go together.
He implores husbands and wives to make love often. He places a fundamental command on sex being exclusive to marriage. He created women and men both to be able to experience orgasm.
Sex is God’s deal — His arena — in a very big way.
So, suffice to say, when we marry, we are saying “yes” to sex being part of that covenant. We are saying “yes” to God. Take sex out of the covenant? How can we think that doesn’t dishonor Him?
5. Makes it easier to rationalize infidelity.
If we tried to count the number of Christian men and women who want to step out on their sexually unavailable spouse, we would be counting for awhile.
And that’s just counting the ones who want to, but don’t.
Let’s not even start counting the ones who actually do give into that temptation.
I’ve never been a fan of the phrase “affair proof” your marriage, because a spouse could go above and beyond their responsibility in the marriage, including being sexually available — and their spouse could still choose to cheat.
But I do think there are ways we can guard our marriages. Making love is one of those ways. When sex is non-existent, the spouse who hungers for it may be more tempted to loosen the reins on their marriage vows.
To not see some cause and effect in that whole scenario is careless.
Yes, adultery is a sin and there is no way to rationalize it.
But listen to the raw feelings of refused spouses, and it’s not too hard to see how they convince themselves that sexual indiscretion doesn’t matter at this point.
6. Sets a horrible example for kids.
Don’t kid yourself on this one (no pun intended). Your kids are learning about marriage from watching you. You may say, “Well, they don’t know anything about our sexual intimacy.”
You’re right that they aren’t privy to the details of what happens behind your closed bedroom door, but I guarantee you this. If nothing is happening behind that bedroom door, the collateral damage from that spills out into the rest of your life — you know, the life where your kids are present and paying attention.
See points 1, 2 and 3 for further insight.
7. Invites the enemy into your home and bedroom.
Satan is all about division, and he doesn’t really care how he goes about doing it. He is crafty and clever and will work with what we hand him.
When you willingly decide to take sex out of the marriage, the enemy is delighted. Why? Because he knows that anything designed by God — in this case, sex — is powerful. And holy. And worthy.
When a married couple stops having sex, Satan has gained a huge foothold. Division is so much easier when unity is no longer mutually valued.
8. Increases reliance upon masturbation as the only form of sexual fulfillment.
I don’t think masturbation in marriage is always a bad thing, and I’ve blogged about that here and here.
BUT… if it is happening often and only because someone’s spouse has arbitrarily removed sex from the marriage, then the negative impact starts to add up quickly.
When a husband and wife could be having sex, but aren’t — and one or both of them resort to masturbation — are we really that surprised?
If anything, it just confirms the power of sexual desire.
Even more heartbreaking is when the refusing spouse gives “permission” or “encouragement” to their spouse to “just take care of things themselves.”
How can we possibly think that’s God vision (or even your vision) for sex in a marriage?
9. Makes pornography look more enticing.
No, I am not justifying any sin, including the sin of pornography.
But we are a naive people if we believe for one moment that pornography doesn’t look more alluring to some people who are consistently sexually rejected within their marriage.
I know that pornography addiction is complex. I also know that I hear from many people who struggle greatly with pornography and are trying to stop looking at it. To feel as if there is no other option but pornography only compounds the problem.
Many couples, usually through the assistance of counselors and ministries, have overcome the betrayal of pornography. Without a doubt, a husband and wife eventually resuming healthy and active sexual intimacy is a part of that healing.
Again. A lot of this goes back to, “What are we doing to guard our marriage and our hearts?”
10. Damages your ability to serve in the body of Christ.
If you are gung ho about serving in countless ways at your church — yet you know you are blatantly refusing your spouse sexually — then your Christian witness is hampered. I have no doubt about that.
There’s nothing wrong with using your talents and heart to serve the Lord outside your home, but if you are doing it at the expense of priorities in your home and in your marriage, then I encourage you to step back.
Take a good hard look. Be humble. And admit that this may be a blind spot for you.
The Lord is willing to meet you in that place of struggle — and in all the others I’ve listed to this point.
How long can a marriage go without sex?
Well. Like I already said… I don’t think that question really gets at the heart of the matter.
Do you?
For more reading on this, check out one of my favorite posts: Extraordinary Sex in Your Ordinary Life.
Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
Never want to miss one of my posts? Subscribe via email on this page. And be sure to join my more than 9,000 followers on my Facebook page and 10,000 followers on Twitter.
My husband refuses, tells me he’s just not interested. I’m so hurt by this.
Very true and insightful list of 10 things that happen. We so need stronger marriages and thus stronger and more stable families (for the benefit and well being of the spouses and the children). Sexual fulfillment within marriage is a key and necessary ingredient for lasting and happy marriages. Married couples need to read this post.
Wow Julie, your 10 points are accurate and true. I personally can relate to each and every point…I have been married for 35 years. Thankfully my counselor is helping me, especially with point #1.
I think you are amazing and I thank you for your page! I always share you on my Facebook but no one likes, comments, or shares. I think people are afraid of true intimacy.
After years of telling my doctor something was wrong with me, I resigned myself to a sexless marriage because *the doctor said nothing is wrong; your hormones fall within the normal range*
I finally sought help from a church member who had left a medical practice because of situations similar to mine. Through *Functional Medicine* she discovered my body was making zero hormones. Was there any wonder why I didn’t want sex, had no energy, and had a mean streak a mile wide. Within a month I was on the road to more energy and feelings down south that I had not experienced for years!
The road that my husband and I faced was difficult at best.
The point I am trying to make is this: if you (male or female) think something is wrong with you physically, there probably is; listen to your body! Pursue it! Traditional medicine nearly killed me and all but destroyed my emotional attachment to my husband. Today, we are far from perfect but we have an answer to *why and what* and are on the road to better….
Bingo on all.
1) Stirs resentment: I fight against this constantly. Especially after hearing “too tired/too busy”, and she goes out with her friends later one.
2) Fosters distance: oh yes. You know the funny part? She recently got a book about combating “drifting apart”. I wanted to scream at her – “we’re drifting because we’ve had sex only 8 times in 4 years!!!!”
3) Reduces your marriage to roommate status: Exactly where we are now. We schedule, we parent, we clean, we eat, we sleep. thats it.
4) Dishonors God: we went to counseling for this, and the pastor and his wife went over what the bible says. Her response? “Of course he’s going to say that, he’s a man, and she is not me.”
5) Makes it easier to rationalize infidelity: oh, I fight this all the time. I’ve learned that, if at all possible, I needed to remove myself from situations where there are women, and the wife is not with me. So I don’t go to the gym without her. At work I always hang with a guy buddy. Even at church I make sure I don’t sit next to a woman!
6) Sets a horrible example for kids: besides what you listed, when I file for divorce in 10 years (when the youngest has left the nest), it’ll be even more so.
7) Invites the enemy into your home and bedroom: oh yes. I (and counselors) have pointed out the consequences of what 1 Corth 7:5-7 specifically says. Doesn’t matter.
8) Increases reliance upon masturbation: sad to say it, but that is where I am. I try to keep it to a min – I think I can realize where I am so frustrated, so angry, so depressed, so hopeless, that I need some release. It helps – but its not really what I want or need.
9) Makes pornography look more enticing: We’ve put those accountability programs on our computers a long time ago (for the kids), so it really isn’t a situation. But man oh man, I know its out there. it is so tempting. To me its the fact that there are non-christians having (what seems like) a fantastic time – and I’m not, and haven’t, for nearly 25 years.
10) Damages your ability to serve in the body of Christ: I be some refusers won’t believe this, but it is true. I dont’ know what it is, but most churches, if a person is married, to server with their spouse, not just alone. We have been asked many many times, (especially in kids programs!) and finally after a while, I refused to do it with her anymore. I can’t spread the love of Jesus with a woman who so blatantly ignores me. So the church stopped asking us. She blames that on me, of course, so it probably hasn’t helped, but I don’t care at this point.
keep up the good work – maybe someone else will benefit from it, but I doubt I will.
Julie, as usual, you hit the nail in the head.
Lets say that one of you has some injury or illness that precludes intercourse. A loving heart and an intimate relationship can, of course, thrive even in the face of that adversity.
But take sexual intimacy out of the picture at the same time that real relational intimacy has disappeared, and you are just room-mates. With (at least) one of you desperately wanting an intimate relationship, and feeling stuck.
When you are nothing more than room mates, it is just soul crushing when your beloved spouse pulls away if you try to kiss her cheek or give her a non-sexual hug.
I’ve been there. It went on long enough that I got to the point of giving up and simply coasting along with no hope. I never cheated and never consulted a divorce lawyer. I did get to the point of wondering when I would reach my breaking point, but fortunately never did. Not because I am some paragon of virtue, I certainly am not. At some point either might have happened, despite my resolve to stick it out. Fortunately things got better before I reached my breaking point.
But, I am happy to say we have moved past that crisis, and have recovered an intimate relationship. I don’t have any magic words of wisdom, other than to say that for some couples you can find your way back from the edge of the cliff.
This is not just a male problem. I recognize that there are wives in this same boat, desperate for an intimate relationship yet pushed away by their husband.
My wife doesn’t want an intimate relationship with me – and I’m OK with that.
I’m terminally ill, and to keep my head in the fight I don’t want all that “male needs” crap distracting me. She doesn’t want or need me; that makes it easier.
I have to see myself differently; iron-bound, tooled up and ready to rumble. I’m a fighter, not a lover, and this is the most vicious fight I have ever experienced (I was a paramilitary contractor in some nasty places, and I have seen some pretty vivid fights).
I intend to survive, and survival is not pretty.
I have no degree in theology, am not a pastor, priest or anything of the sort. Just an average every day guy with some time on my hands to study scripture, particularly when it comes to marriage and divorce. To all of the husbands and wives who have been denied sex year after year with no good reason, in a sense, the fact that your spouse has unapologetically refused you indicates that your marriage is already over. A divorce is meerly the legal public recognition of what has already taken place privately. If you look carefully in the bible, both in the old and the new testaments, God gives us ultimatums all throughout. An example is found in Revelation chapter 3. In verses 15 through 19, Christ is dealing with one of his churches who is neither for nor against him. They are indifferent. He says to them, “because you are luke warm I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” Luke 13:3 says “repent or perish.” What are these? Clearly, they are ultimatums from God himself. God himself decided to divorce his wife Israel because he gave her hundreds of years to turn back to him, but finally,
his patience reached its limits. He sent her away. Divorce is not a sin, ladies and gentlemen. It is the breaking of marriage vows that causes the divorce in the first place. If God can give ultimatums, the sexually refused spouse can give ultimatums too. Some might say, “yes, but what about forgiveness?” All that forgiveness does is allow the refusal to continue. Jesus says *if* your brother repents, then forgive him. If he doesn’t? He obviously does not want your forgiveness. It’s time that churches quit preaching the forgiveness bit and start demanding accountability and justice for the sexually refused spouses, the ones who are trying to honor God! Finally, I leave you with this quote from Martin Luther, who gives three cases for divorce. Luther writes: “The third case for divorce is that in which one of the parties deprives and avoids the other, refusing to fulfill the conjugal (sexual) duty or to live with the other person. For example, one finds many a stubborn wife like that who will not give in, and who cares not a whit whether her husband falls into the sin of unchastity (sexual temptation or “an affair”) ten times over. Here it is time for the husband to say, “If you will not, another will; the maid will come if the wife will not.” Only first the husband should admonish and warn his wife two or three times, and let the situation be known to others so that her stubbornness becomes a matter of common knowledge and is rebuked before the congregation…”
Another excellent article, Julie. I just hope that there are readers who will take your words to heart.
About 2.5 years ago, you did a post entitled, “Could This Wife’s Story Be Yours?”. Did you ever hear what happened in that marriage?
Hi Julie,
Great article.
Sex in marriage is necessary as you said because it can put your relation at risk. It invites the mind with so much imagination and you could start to think several ways to have sex but not with the person besides you.
If you are not having sex with your spouse then there might be some differences, and that leads you to think out of the box and imagine some other ways to satisfy you. These ways might not be good ones.
thanks Julie for such great article.
This is a great article, Julie – thanks so much. I recently read a novel on this subject and found it to be a well-balanced exploration of a sexless marriage. Both spouses had lessons to learn and were committed to remain faithful Christians while navigating these difficult waters. I’m mentioning it here in case one of your readers might find it helpful: “All of Me Wants All of You” by J. Z. Howard.
Although I very much enjoyed reading this article, and I found many thoughts within it enlightening, I still don’t want to have sex with my husband. We have been married for 3 years been together for 6. I had two children from a previous relationship. They were quite young when we got together. I had severe health issues in my twenties that made pregnancy very difficult, but I wanted to give my husband a biological child. He loves all the kids and is an excellent dad. Before we got married my husband was in a serious car accident that changed our lives. He had a traumatic brain injury that has altered his personality greatly. It’s like being with a different person. I still went thru with marriage. I thought I could handle it being a nurse who has dealt with this type of injury. It’s been almost four years now since the accident and I am barely holding things together. I did have a son with him. He’s 2 now. I told him I did not want anymore children and the Dr.agreed that I should not have anymore and he get a vasectomy. I went back on birth control. I am now 6 months pregnant. The medication I was on weakened the birth control which is why he needed the vasectomy. He refused to have it done saying that the marriage wasn’t going well and if he met someone else he wanted to leave his option of having more kids open. I was floored. He is disabled, can’t work, doesn’t cook, clean , do laundry or keep up his hygiene but may want a new wife? What woman would want that? Good luck to her I say. I have checked out of this marriage. I stayed and worked took care of everything and all I asked is that we didn’t have more children. So sex is not going to happen. He doesn’t want the divorce as I do. No surprise there. He tells me how much he loves me and wants this to work but still can get it together to join a pool team and compete and play poker online for 10 to 12 hours a day. I don’t believe it.
So while this article is goood. I don’t think it applies to me.
Anna, I was caught in a similar situation some years ago. Only the situation was reversed. Replace the word husband with wife in the story. FORTUNATLY I NEVER MARRIED THE WOMAN when I saw what was going to happen. I have since had no regrets about parting company with her. My heart goes out to you. You are carrying more than your fair share of a burden.
How long can a marriage go without sex??? Actually, not very long. In it’s strictest sense a marriage without sex is not a Christian marriage. It is a sinful marriage. Without physical or mental disabilities It is a violation of your oath of marriage and of God’s word. So, it really is not a Christian bonding of marriage. That is why it results in affairs, pornography and eventually divorce. When people say let us all save the marriage no matter what—that is not aligned with the law of our Creator. I believe in patience. I believe in counseling. But in truth if your spouse is anti-sex then it is highly likely they will remain that way. For men—do you tell yourself that you can live without sexual love and intimacy until you are so old it doesn’t matter anymore? I beg to differ because males generally stay interested in sex into their 60’s, 70’s and some beyond that. You have set sail to feel alone, taken advantage of, angry, feeling betrayed, living like a roommate for the rest of your life. That does not sound like God’s best for you. For women— I think many women can pull this off, however they will be miserable and unhappy for decades. But I have watched many of my female friends do this until about age 48-50 and REALLY not care anymore and their life settles in for the duration. Sadly they deprived themselves of REAL LOVE AND REAL INTIMACY. That IS NOT God’s best for you. So, for any persons, male and female, out there listening—-IF you really DON’T LIKE SEX—tell your potential life partner the TRUTH. Anything short of that is both dishonorable and sinful in the eyes of your God. If you don’t need real love and intimacy which is created by the act of love don’t drag an innocent person down with you. Have honor. Only be strong and courageous and tell your partner the truth. John R
Sex is uncomfortable and painful, I have no desire for it. I have been checked, doctors say im normal and i cant afford to go to another one. Sex is loads of fun for him but rarely for me (like once or twice in three years), yet I submit nearly every time he wants sex. I’ve been accused of being dispationate durring sex, yet it’s hard to move without the feeling like something inside of me is tearing. I’ve cried through more than one sexual experience. Some one once said “Your husbands drive is God’s gift to you”, im sorry, but it feels like a curse. Yet I submit anyway.
Personally, it’s been going onto 19 years since I made love with my wife, and YES I counted. I have never cheated on her but masturbation is not a solution. The cause is her weight (BMI over 62) and weight distribution; as physically I can no longer access her genitals though I am still adequately physically endowed and have a VERY strong libido. Her failure to lose weight has now led me to ask God to take me in the night. All I now want is to see my misery come to an end. I adore her, but this lack of intimacy (will not go into details) has made me want to die and have some peace finally. That is one point you did not realize or want to mention; ei: Wanting to die and WFD (waiting for death).
I too am in a sexless marriage for 25 years now. I believe she must have been molested when very young and she seems to believe that also. Unlike Daniel, there are no physical problems although I have corrected an ED issue just in case. Our discussions end in frustration or complete rejection and for the last 20 I have been exiled to an upstairs bedroom. I could not even hear her or her me if one of us was in distress. Counseling is not an option for her. It seems impossible to please her in any fashion. I am ready to seek affection any way I can, but I am protected by my Savior when I am tempted. Someone please tell me how to address this. Please!
How can a sensual and sexy wife tell her husband she loves him but has not given him sex for yrsbut is currently with a boy friend who she sees several times a month? Yes,thats my life. I have lost complete love for her but refuse to divorce because of my vows.
I am experiencing all of this. I have been married almost a year and can’t tell you the last time my husband and I were intimate in any way. He just has no interest in sex. God is the only reason I have not cheated. Satan tempts me every second of everyday. I sent my husband this link to read. Please pray for us. I am ready to seperate because I can’t keep living this way.
I am a married christian lady. Sex starved for many years now. No hope of sex. Am sexually Active. Sometimes I wish I was dead since sex to me means a lot. Somebody help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve felt like this for so long, it hurts. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, I met him when I was 15. I just turned 30, he is the only man I’ve ever been with. We have 2 kids, and on the outside people think we have the perfect relationship, but they have no clue that I’m here on a Friday night typing this message, and feeling so lonely. It’s so hard to be a woman, and feel so unwanted by your husband. I feel like I’m wasting the best years of my life. I have friends who complain to me their husbands always want to have sex. I never say anything, because it’s so embarrassing to tell someone that your husband very rarely wants to have Sex with you. It makes me feel so awful.
I’ve tried talking to him so many times that I don’t even know what to say to him anymore. I’ve been completely honest and told him I need intimacy. It never changes. I’ve been rejected by him so many times that I won’t initiate sex. It’s painful when you love and want someone who clearly doesn’t feel the same. It really starts to damage your self esteem and worth. I feel so unattractive. Everyone always tells me how beautiful I am, and how lucky my husband is, but all I can ever think when someone tells me that is, ” then why doesn’t he want me”!
I’m so scared of growing old and being so alone, I’m already so lonely, to never feeling loved and wanted or feeling passion every again makes want to cry! I’m so young still. I don’t want to die not having intimacy again! I’ve already spent my 20’s feeling this way, I don’t want to spend my 30’s feeling like this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him. I love my kids. I don’t want to break my family up. I don’t want to divorce him. Am I suppose to just live a life without love and intimacy until I die?!
I have been with my wife for 5 years, we have a 3 year old daughter. I have always found her attractive and there are many small things she does (as small as even how she looks out of the window) that make me fall in love with her over and over again, but we have had sex just one in 3 years and that was only because she went out for drinks with her friends.
I will be honest, I have had to watch pornography as a release after always trying to initiate sex.
When she comes home from work I an first at the door to give her a kiss to welcome her but do not so much as even get a hug from her.
Sure then gets extremely angry if she knows our thinks that I have been watching something.
Despite me trying to explain there would be no need for me to see anything if we were intimate but she constantly refuses. I feel I am only now with her because of our beautiful daughter.
This is by far the strongest struggle I have faced in all my years.
My wife and I have been married for almost 46 years and I have always been more driven for intimacy than she. Over the past 15 years opportunities for sex have been less and less. She had seldom ever initiated it unless I approached her first. The last two years have been the most miserable years of our marriage without any success at intimacy. We have had three children and because of that she suffers from a prolapsed bladder and sex has become painful. I told her that I completely understand and therefore have not requested intercourse but need physical and emotional contact. She continually pushes me away and often is cold and unresponsive even seeming resentful of touching. I recently said to her we need to talk about our relationship because I feel we are drifting apart. Her responsive was, that’s all we will do is talk. It is as if she has purposefully shut the door and never has any thought of sex again. I have suggested mutual masturbation but she refuses to consider that. About 38 years ago she had an affair that lasted six months and I thought she was over that but am wondering if there is some fantasy still existing, I just don’t know. How can we ever bring sex back into the marriage. I have assured her it would not lead to intercourse because that it too painful for her. I have this feeling of total rejection and don’t know how to get over it. I would never cheat on her but have suggested that I am afraid of what could happen if we continue this way.
Stan
i got married in 2010 and i was blessed with a beautiful daughterin 2013. in 2011 i discoverd that he was involved in homosexuality.when i was stil 3 months pregnant , my husband was diagonised with hiv . so since then til today we are not intimate. he decided we shoul not talk about it. i like sex and now i have nowhere to get it. our relationship is struggling. we always fight over silly issues. there is nothing that can keep us close and i really feel he is stil cheating. im confused now at times i want to quit at times i want to stay for the sake of my child
All your mentioned items above is very very true! I’m married to all above, he hates sex and probably hates me also. He never under stood how humans could do something so horribly disgusting to themselves. I’ve had this person in my life for over 45 years. I don’t care anymore about him or myself. To old to care
I don t think that sex should take such an important place in a marriage.Love and respect are all that matters.
Women and men marry to build a family but once ce you are raising your kids,sex should be nothing of a priority.
Women and especially women in Christian family should focus on being mothers and spouses not about getting orgasms this is pathetic and immature.Teenager has to end someday.
@Anna. Wow. I don’t have many words to really describe how discouraging and skewed your comment is.
Thanks for stopping by, though. I encourage you to dig into what God says about sex. I’m saddened for you and your husband that your viewpoint of sex is discouraging.
why marry ?
MY WIFE ALWAYS REFUSED TO HAVE SEX… WE ARE MARRIED … THIS IS NOT NORMAL .. .
My husband and I have been married for 21 years. I married him when I was 15. There have been many ups and downs that we’ve been through. But have made it past. But now this new found no sex issue is too much. He thinks that I am sick for needing to have sex. Wants me to see a therapist because of my wanting to have sex all the time. All the time is not once a month. He doesn’t see the need. Says I’m a b**** and that’s why he can’t stand touching me. Ouch. I do all I can for him. From morning to night I make life about him. I try to kiss him he gives me his Cheek. I try to hug him I get a wet fish. I’m so tired of this. I need love in my life. I don’t think I’m sick and now after reading this I know I’m not. But how do I make him realize that I’m not alone in not wanting a sexless marriage. He’s bent on seeing me as a freak for wanting sex. Any suggestions.
Your article is awesome, and at the moment I’m in this state.. 5 years ago my wife cheated, and after telling me I didn’t listen to her… She had a child from the guy… We have 3 children and for a moment and moved and he resided with her. But she’d call and tell me things that tried to make me feel this was my fault, when I was doing ( I believed) everything I could to be a good husband, father.. But I guess that wasn’t enough. We still reside after 5 years in the same home but are living like roommates… It’s sucks because she would go places with her girl friends and I would just stay with our kids. I just don’t have any desire for sex right not, with her or with anybody… And reading your article, told me where I am. I’m just having trouble trusting again. I asked her if she wanted to get counseling from our church, but she says no, but won’t assist in helping find another place to get help. Our daughter just recently came out of a coma, and I don’t want that used to keep me, if she’s not going to assist in helping. Or do I just do it myself. You see, I have no problem working with her for our children’s sake, but not feeling I want a relationship anymore. Not feeling any attraction. What more can I do.
What do you do if your husband never has sex with you because he has ED and doesn’t get help? That is what I’m faced with. I felt like for many years that something is wrong with me. I want to leave my marriage but I have 3 kids and no job I keep Asking God what should I do
I’m always surprised to find that women are actually facing rejection from their spouses in the area of intimacy. I probably rejected my wife once or twice in over a decade and one of the reasons was because I was very sick. I’m not happy with the frequency in my own marriage but it’s nothing like what is being described in other posts. If I go a week or 2 without, I get upset. I couldn’t imagine months or years.
Believe it Dave! I’m in a almost sexless marriage and I hate it! More than that I hate that my wife doesn’t or refuses understand the pain she inflicts upon when she rejects me. Sometimes I get so angry at her that I can’t even look at her! To me its a form of adultery and spousal abuse. To reduce your spouse celibacy or masturbation is selfish and cruel.
@struggling I completely understand how you feel. I do my best to resist temptation. We are newlyweds. I’ve seen infidelity too much, & I want more for us. He deals with depression but, I’ve prayed for n asked for healing n now thanking God for it. Praying for you & yours.
I truly experience the resentment and distance part, I love God and would never disobey Him. If not, I’ll have an affair. First, I was told my libido is too high, thereafter flimsy excuses. He’s such a kind and giving person so I don’t understand this cruelty of refusal to have sex. Its 9 years going, I really wonder when it would change, I’ve tried every advice. I finally leave it to God. While dating, he wouldn’t let me rest with sex, now that we’re married, we have turned to just roommates.
May I ask a general question? I realize the articles are all to correct problems and reach the Lord’s ideal, but isn’t there a point of coming to peace saying, “This is how my life is. I will pray for growth, but I have decided to be content.” Rather than anger, resentment, unfulfilled wishing, just a restful peace of “Not everything in my life is what I would wish, but I am grateful for what I have.” What would you say is a Biblical balance?
Pingback: My Top Sex Posts of All Time | Intimacy in Marriage
@Anna I completely agree. Way too much focus on sex. If you look at all these comments I see the words I and ME more than anything. Self focus. All this stress, fighting and cheating for a 3 minute high.
I’m in my 50’s now and battle with low T. None of the various drugs have worked for years and just give me really bad headaches. I’ve never been a high drive person an when younger thought once a week was a lot.
At some point you just need to realize your are getting old and the body changes. it’s natural and it’s real and it’s simply the way it is. It is not natural to keep pumping drugs into your body so you can just have sex.
Gods love is shown in many ways. I work very hard to provide. I deny myself many things so that my wife and family can have. I drive old cars so I can pay for college and my kids don’t have severe debt.
I have been married for a year and 10 months. My husband has rejected me for the past month. I feel like there is nothing in our marriage, we dont have kids and i try every night to try to spark things up before we go to bed and all i get is the cold shoulder. We are roommate’s not spouses thats how im feeling about jy marriage.
I’m sure this will sound insane to most everyone here, but sex is no fun for me. We’ve been married 27 years, but there’s been only about a 2-3 year period where there was any semi-regular sex, and that was so we could conceive before my wife got too old. Sex became a pressure cooker. Now that my wife’s hit menopause and has no interest, I feel relieved that at least that stressor is out of my life. The Bible’s instructions on marital relations often seem like the most unnatural thing in the world to me. I guess I’m a real piece of work, but that’s my reality.
I’ve only been married for a year. I am a very sexual person but for some reason my husband does not want to have sex with me. We sleep in other rooms and have passionless sex once a month if I’m lucky. If I ask for it he gets mad. I am in my twenties and don’t want to think about divorce but don’t think I can live like this.
Seeing that others are going through a similar “deserts” reminds me that I’m not alone. I do agree, vows have kept us together, but stuck. We take them seriously so that has “helped” with keeping my rosy glasses on to fill my life with other positive efforts, as before marriage. BUT, there’s the vast void in our marriage, that every time I echo hello, gets more difficult to hear a reply. In the beginning everything was “fine”, but as we started to enmesh emotionally deeper, things became so odd that even HE was concerned. After much therapy, discovered that he was molested by a very close family member. She was heavily on drugs and into black magic. Looking back he sees it started as a child. The additional member that imposed some inappropiate behavior, but maybe that was the drugs damage. This person had tried it with me, but I pushed back very strongly, causing this person to be embarrassed, thus revealing secrets. When my husband was a child, in order to live he had to disconnect from everything around him and what was done to him, to “convert”. Schools tried to help, but there wasnt much to do, but that time, a child had trusted his close relatives were right. The minute that she found out that he was moving away for university, like a tornado. After university, he continued to live in a fog… unlike he met me..to begin with I think he wanted to prove that he can have a relationship with a woman, but when the excitement of acceptance had worn off, he forcefully with a restraint order, kept her away, did we start to uncover the depth of abuse. Years later, we are still working on it. Days when I cry for numerous reasons…Seeking help for this is very tough for a couple, let alone a man to discuss this. I try to be supportive and understanding. We both can’t help but think that while we are walking in the desert, yes, the devil, is present, which has kept his distance and promoted his procrastination with the topic/therapy. Once I bring it to his attention, he’s back to working. Yes, there are days when I feel its me. Shockingly words escape me, but the English lang can go both ways, positive and negative. When perpetrators abuse language, this can deteriorate the soul and energy. Keeping strong is hard when marriage tends to feel roomate-ish, but we have to really work to keep what we have. God Bless this site. It’s been the only avenue that I’ve found to discuss a place where WOMEN are in the desert vs men
I’m a 49 year old wife and I have had 4 children and gall bladder removal and a partial hysterectomy and tubal litigation I want nothing to do with my husband no sex no intamicy at all I don’t think about sex at all and he does 24 7 that’s all he thinks about he tells me that without sex there is no marriage and I’m not sure if that is true please help me I know my body is telling me since I cant have kids that sex is out doctors have told me that is that correct!
Dear surprised wife,
I don’t have all the answers, but one thing that jumped out at me with what you said is the “i know my body is telling me since I can’t have kids then sex is out” statement. Can you imagine a world where everyone listened to their bodies? My body tells me I want cake every night around 8. I have to shut it down. You can input a variety of other scenarios to go along with that, but what it comes down to is a battle of the flesh. God told us we would always battle the flesh. It’s part of our human nature. The battle to compare our looks to other, our desires of material things, the battle to put ourselves above others. I would urge you to see what God’s words on marriage and sex are ,above your on views, in the Bible. When you make those wedding vows to the person whom you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with, I don’t believe they stated any disclaimers such as “until or unless I don’t feel like honoring you anymore, or until it doesn’t work for me, but stay married to me and honor and love me regardless.” I don’t believe marriage works like that. I believe marriage is intended to make you more holy than happy. Immerse yourself completely in the Word and put God first for a time, and see if you don’t draw closer to your husband . What would you have to lose? I’m praying for you sister! There is nothing more enjoyable for the Devil than to see a marriage be divided. Just one more thought as I have already made this a long note, but something that helps me when I begin to fall into the “if I don’t want something then I don’t have to do it” trap is this: nothing shows me more love than when someone loves my children unconditionally. How would I feel about my future daughter in law treating my son with some of the thoughts and attitudes I have towards my husband? Would I be grateful or would I feel hurt? It helps put it in perspective. We as mothers and parents are the biggest role models for our children, regardless of how old they may be!! Again, lots of prayers your way! Don’t give up!
I was married for 15 years to a good man. Except for sex. We started out fine but after the birth of our first child he lost interest in having sex more than once a month. I was very fit and began dressing more provocative on the weekends to entice him to no avail. I cried for a long time. I was in my twenties and he no longer wanted me. I know I was attractive at least as I always had men chasing after me asking for a date and me laughing and telling them no I was married but suffering silently. Somehow I got pregnant with our second child and after her birth our sexual life completely ended. I started eating to replace the rejection and pain of being denied intimacy. We looked like the perfect couple to everyone else. Finally he agreed to go to therapy with me and the therapist suggested we start massaging each other at night but hold off on intimacy. I ended up excited and desiring him and he had nothing.. Went to another therapist and when I was asked what the problem was I blurted out that we hadn’t had relations in more than ten years and the therapist said well, look at you. I started crying. Done and empty. Our marriage was over and I started having affairs to make up for lost time… This was 20 plus years ago but I did finally stop running around and being foolish when I met Jesus. Best thing that ever happened to me. I still longed for that relationship with someone but it didn’t happen. I am almost 60 now but still believe if God were to bring someone for me I could be a good wife in every way. My ex husband and I are very dear friends now and he has remarried. Just grateful that I didn’t remain bitter and trying to prove I was still desirable anymore.
Loving life!
Grateful old woman
Sex is the glue to hold a marriage together. Yes, either partner can adapt and survive without it, I have, but it is no longer a marriage, it is a legal partnership and if your closeness isn’t gone, it will be soon.
It is possible to live together, sleep together, do things together and get a long great, but it still isn’t a marriage, best friends can do all of the same things.
I don’t use the terms “me” and “I”, like Anna eluded to, but I used “us” and “we”. Spouses that just give “duty sex” is worse than no sex. You both have to want and desire each other or it’s over. You can get by with friendly hugs and kisses or lesser signs of affection, but you will never feel connected.
I’ll tell you what’s worse than not having sex. Your wife telling you that if feels forced when it isn’t. That hurts. If one thing goes wrong she gets turned off and angry. I’ve just about resolved myself to a sexless marriage. It honestly seems better that way than seeing the looks I get when I try.
My husband has ed and it’s so frustrating to me, he doesn’t even make a move to please me, heck I tried and asked about giving him a bj or said let’s just try he says it won’t work and needs back on meds well then go get them it’s been almost a year since we have had sex. He doesn’t even want to try. Don’t know what to think or do.
I’ve been married for 36 years, my wife as a child was abused sexually by her adopted parent, i wasn’t aware of this until 7yrs into the marriage and now we are completely without intimacy I have been patient and waited for her to finally want me but I’m still waiting for that day I’ve become resentful and just soo tired we are nothing more than roommates she even puts a pillow between us when we sleep, we are going to counciling however it has been soo long since I’ve felt wanted by her I’ve put my marriage into Gods hands because I don’t know what to do anymore lm afraid my marriage has run its course, I’m 56 years old and just wouldn’t know what to do on my own, what do I do?