marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
How Long Can a Marriage Go Without Sex?
Mar
Well.
Some marriages go decades without sex, so the question of “can” doesn’t really get at the heart of the matter.
A better question is, “What happens when a marriage goes a long time without sex… for no justifiable reason?”
I always have to add that disclaimer in there, because there are some marriages plagued by chronic illnesses and injuries that make any kind of sexual intimacy impossible.
But most marriages? Yeah, in most marriages, sex IS an option. My guess is if you are reading this right now, sex IS an option in your marriage — yet it never or rarely occurs.
What does happen when a marriage goes a long time — maybe even years or decades — without sex?
Here are 10 things I think can happen (in no particular order).
Ongoing lack of sexual intimacy in a marriage…
1. Stirs resentment.
Sex is never just about sex. It’s about soul mingling, which is a vital aspect of marriage that is found in no other human relationship. When I wrote the post “I like him better after we have sex,” I meant it.
Consistent and mutually-enjoyable sexual intimacy in a marriage equips us to extend grace, to be kinder toward one another, to do life together.
So it’s no wonder, that when you take sex out, resentment is eager to arrive on the scene.
2. Fosters distance.
I think we intuitively recognize when there is distance between us and our spouse. Distance is different than resentment, but still equally damaging.
Sex is a vivid reminder in a marriage that we are “in this together.” It’s not surprising that when couples report going long stretches without making love, they feel “distant” from one another.
And that distance begins to chip away at all the things that give marriage richness and strength — vulnerability, friendship, shared joys, common ground.
3. Reduces your marriage to roommate status.
Sure, the two of you pay the bills and run the house. You share the chores. You raise the kids. You mow the lawn. You decorate the Christmas tree. And you run the carpool.
BUT… without physical and emotional intimacy… all of that roommatish stuff barely qualifies as a high and holy definition of marriage.
I would be a wealthy woman if I had a dollar every time I heard someone express to me that their marriage exists, but it never thrives — in large part because of the lack of sex.
Roommate status in a marriage sucks. It just does.
4. Dishonors God.
God designed marriage and sex — and He designed them to go together.
He implores husbands and wives to make love often. He places a fundamental command on sex being exclusive to marriage. He created women and men both to be able to experience orgasm.
Sex is God’s deal — His arena — in a very big way.
So, suffice to say, when we marry, we are saying “yes” to sex being part of that covenant. We are saying “yes” to God. Take sex out of the covenant? How can we think that doesn’t dishonor Him?
5. Makes it easier to rationalize infidelity.
If we tried to count the number of Christian men and women who want to step out on their sexually unavailable spouse, we would be counting for awhile.
And that’s just counting the ones who want to, but don’t.
Let’s not even start counting the ones who actually do give into that temptation.
I’ve never been a fan of the phrase “affair proof” your marriage, because a spouse could go above and beyond their responsibility in the marriage, including being sexually available — and their spouse could still choose to cheat.
But I do think there are ways we can guard our marriages. Making love is one of those ways. When sex is non-existent, the spouse who hungers for it may be more tempted to loosen the reins on their marriage vows.
To not see some cause and effect in that whole scenario is careless.
Yes, adultery is a sin and there is no way to rationalize it.
But listen to the raw feelings of refused spouses, and it’s not too hard to see how they convince themselves that sexual indiscretion doesn’t matter at this point.
6. Sets a horrible example for kids.
Don’t kid yourself on this one (no pun intended). Your kids are learning about marriage from watching you. You may say, “Well, they don’t know anything about our sexual intimacy.”
You’re right that they aren’t privy to the details of what happens behind your closed bedroom door, but I guarantee you this. If nothing is happening behind that bedroom door, the collateral damage from that spills out into the rest of your life — you know, the life where your kids are present and paying attention.
See points 1, 2 and 3 for further insight.
7. Invites the enemy into your home and bedroom.
Satan is all about division, and he doesn’t really care how he goes about doing it. He is crafty and clever and will work with what we hand him.
When you willingly decide to take sex out of the marriage, the enemy is delighted. Why? Because he knows that anything designed by God — in this case, sex — is powerful. And holy. And worthy.
When a married couple stops having sex, Satan has gained a huge foothold. Division is so much easier when unity is no longer mutually valued.
8. Increases reliance upon masturbation as the only form of sexual fulfillment.
I don’t think masturbation in marriage is always a bad thing, and I’ve blogged about that here and here.
BUT… if it is happening often and only because someone’s spouse has arbitrarily removed sex from the marriage, then the negative impact starts to add up quickly.
When a husband and wife could be having sex, but aren’t — and one or both of them resort to masturbation — are we really that surprised?
If anything, it just confirms the power of sexual desire.
Even more heartbreaking is when the refusing spouse gives “permission” or “encouragement” to their spouse to “just take care of things themselves.”
How can we possibly think that’s God vision (or even your vision) for sex in a marriage?
9. Makes pornography look more enticing.
No, I am not justifying any sin, including the sin of pornography.
But we are a naive people if we believe for one moment that pornography doesn’t look more alluring to some people who are consistently sexually rejected within their marriage.
I know that pornography addiction is complex. I also know that I hear from many people who struggle greatly with pornography and are trying to stop looking at it. To feel as if there is no other option but pornography only compounds the problem.
Many couples, usually through the assistance of counselors and ministries, have overcome the betrayal of pornography. Without a doubt, a husband and wife eventually resuming healthy and active sexual intimacy is a part of that healing.
Again. A lot of this goes back to, “What are we doing to guard our marriage and our hearts?”
10. Damages your ability to serve in the body of Christ.
If you are gung ho about serving in countless ways at your church — yet you know you are blatantly refusing your spouse sexually — then your Christian witness is hampered. I have no doubt about that.
There’s nothing wrong with using your talents and heart to serve the Lord outside your home, but if you are doing it at the expense of priorities in your home and in your marriage, then I encourage you to step back.
Take a good hard look. Be humble. And admit that this may be a blind spot for you.
The Lord is willing to meet you in that place of struggle — and in all the others I’ve listed to this point.
How long can a marriage go without sex?
Well. Like I already said… I don’t think that question really gets at the heart of the matter.
Do you?
For more reading on this, check out one of my favorite posts: Extraordinary Sex in Your Ordinary Life.
Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
Never want to miss one of my posts? Subscribe via email on this page. And be sure to join my more than 9,000 followers on my Facebook page and 10,000 followers on Twitter.
Before march 2014 we had weekly. My husband had surgery and it took 4 months before he had the external fixation device removes. That made things hard. Then another 2 months after that before he was as good as new. Since he has fully recovered and it is 2 years later and i can say i am luck to get it once a month but it takes me 2 weeks to get him to have any sex with me. This stretch is 2 months today. I have not said a word to him. I can have sex at a drop of a dime i am always ready but when he touches me it feels awkward now and sometimes uncomfortable. I can’t live like this i am depressed and cry myself to sleep at night. Maybe it is time to go our separate ways. I been thinking about it alot all most daily. I don’t know anymore if my marriage is worth saving
Venus,
I have been where you have been and it is difficult and painful. I recommended the devotional “Fire Proof” you pray 40 days for your spouse. It took me three years to actually finish the book as I had so much resenment towards my spouse. I realized I needed God so much and I made it a point to spend quiet and intimate time with God ( a walk to the park, sitting alone at your favorite place, read his word). I will pray for restoration of your marriage. One more thing, pour your heart to God! Cry and release the hurt and bitterness one day at a time. God bless you.
I want it to be his idea, not mine and it rarely is. I’ve stopped pursuing and it’s been over two months. I just want to know he loves me and it’s partially through intimacy that I get that. We’ve been married just over six months and we don’t even have sex once a month. We both come from broken marriages and he says he just isn’t the guy he used to be. He says I am free to reach out to him anytime if I want it but that’s not how I want it to be.
My, my ,my.. June will be 19 years of marriage for me..He has never, ever been in the mood as I have. I have kept quite for years afraid of hurting his feelings and or making him feel less of a man. NOW I’m more vocal. Yes he can go 3 weeks with no sex no nothing and I’m usually the one making the move. I have asked him several times, what would happen if I had no desire or no interest in sex ? He says he doesn’t know .we’ll the whole durn whole universe knows ..MOST men cheat if they are no getting it at home. I think he knows he is no longer performing or can’t last as long and he tries to stay away from sex .Instead of saying, I need some help. Men sex drive drops and women increases. .no wonder older women are cougars.No married women should have to ask their spouse to have sex with them. I thought men favorite word was “sex”
My husband has restless leg and was not using requip medication as prescribed by his doctors back in 2012 and he was getting oxycodine prescribed 500mg 1-2pills at night. He used them within first 2 weeks along with some requip, still interested sex but in other ways not penetration. July 19, 2013 he was prescribed 2mg of Suboxone he almost overdosed we were @ dinner with a Christian couple. He lowered the dosage to 1/8strip cut 4 strips & cut again in half. Since July 19, 2013 he has no libido no interest.3 yrs, I’ve done extensive research and keep a journal and Today 4/18/16 he has a Urologist appt. we are in fl and I was planning on going back to our home in WV last week but I got our taxes done here so I decided to wait a week or two. I want him off all drugs most doctors don’t really care they just want the money/patient. And he’s also lost lots of muscle mass aged about 15yrs since on this. I’m not going to waste anymore of my life with him if he doesn’t get a nutritionalist to get him back as God intended him to be. It’s a cop out and all he really cares about is music due to the drug suboxine. He should be back by 5pm. Thk u. See the many Documentaries (Perscription drug thugs) on Netflix & Hulu. We are retired but look like mid to late 40’s. Now they ask him if I’m his daughter. Perscription Drugs cause & Effects thk you, for your Prayers and website. Mrs. F Hunter
Pingback: List Of 11 Reasons For Divorce For Rise In Divorce Numbers
It has been six months since the last time my husband has touched me. The time before that, 12months. He blames outside factors like our children or work but he has distant from for many years. He uses sex retention as a form of punishment if I do not conform to the behavior that is appropriate for him. His spends most of his time distancing himself from me and as a result I have isolated myself. I used to try and peak his attention but with no result at all. I am at a loss. I would understand if we were an older couple, but we have been married for only 10years this June. I want no other man in my life but I am unsure how much longer I can continue being ignored and treated like a child. If I voice my feelings I get called crazy. He refuses any type of counseling or medical intervention to see if maybe his hormone levels are off. I feel like I’m ugly and that I repulse him anytime I walk into the room. I don’t know what to do anymore. How can you love someone who hates you so much?
My wife and I haven’t had sex in 13 years. And we are in our early 40s. She seems to think its normal. I do not. I have given up pursuing it because frankly… Why. So to me this is the norm. What angers me is when you get the sense that we live in a sex obsessed world. It’s not that way. We’re roommates really.
My husband and I have been married for 16 years, and not had sex for over 5. Throughout our marriage, my husband has struggled with his responsibilities as a the head of the family, and regularly lies to me about financial issues, among other things. I am always afraid of what he is not telling me, and as a result I can not be intimate with him any longer. For the most part, I can maintain a partnership with him, raising our children, running our business, but the part of me that connects with him emotionally and sexually has been eroded. I understand that this is not honouring God, but I can not be intimate with someone that I do not trust. There have been many times over the years where I have forgiven him, and we have rekindled our sex life, but it is always only a matter of time before I find out about a finical decision he has taken without my consent, or that he has been lying to me for months about an agreement that we have made, and he has broken. It is easier for my husband to look away from the gapping hole in our marriage, rather than confront it. I do not believe he appreciates the seriousness of the situation. I don’t know where I am going with this. But this is the first place where I felt I could unload. Thanks.
Let me tell you my story in a nutshell- married for 30 years with regular sex (once a fortnight) in the last 9 months nothing and her excuse is I’m not well. I don’t know her anymore as we hardly talk n no kissing or touching or any bonding- is it time for an affair as the homefront is dead and I enjoy sex- advise will be appreciated
We have been married 11 years. We do not have children. Currently it’s been almost 5 months since we’ve had sex. Prior to that it was 6 months. We say we should be having sex but we just don’t. I find porn on my husband’s phone. I ask him if he prefers that over me and he tells me I’m stupid. I feel like I’m falling into a state of depression because I feel like my husband does not want me.
I am in a similar situation with my wife. We have been married for 20 years and rarely have sex more than once per week. Most times we have sex once every two to three weeks after she realizes that I am getting “distant.” However, she does find the energy to “buzz” herself with a BOB more frequently than I care to know. I read these posts from frustrated women and wish I could do a swap. She has sex just enough to sustain me but not enough to satisfy. At 50 years old, I am starting to strongly consider a change in direction.
Married 40+ yrs. last 4 with no intimacy, touching, nothing. Feel alone and negelated. When asks she goes into ignore mood or has some many little things to do first that it is hours before she is even willing. just about given up on intimacy with her. Out of ideas and seeing marriage without sex has a life story. HELP!
I have been married nearly a year now and my wife’s sex drive took a serious dive after the honeymoon. I withheld sex from her for over two years of dating up to the wedding and then when she suddenly had unlimited access and it wasn’t as mind-shatteringly awesome every time as she thought it would be, she shut down. We now have sex about twice a month, usually once in between her periods and once right before she starts. There are a number of factors involved such as her health and stress from her loathsome job, but I am definitely feeling the effects. I am a healthy man in my mid 20’s with a strong sex drive. The strain on our relationship is really grinding on me. My problem is that I don’t want to tell her how this is making me suffer because I don’t want to put THAT on her plate too. It feels better for me to suffer the burden of my loneliness in silence than to add more stress to her daily concerns by asking for her help in rebuilding our sexual relationship.
I would assume that’s how many of us feel. It isn’t worth burdening our spouse further if we are able to carry the burden alone in silence. “Therefore I have set my face like flint…” Isaiah 50:7
As Julie recently asked though, if you don’t nurture your sexual relationship now, when will you?
I’m just tired of waiting and hoping that she would be interested in me its been about 6 yrs since we’ve been intamate, she was abused as a child and going to counciling and I have been waiting for her and have become resentful I feel like my needs aren’t important to her, I hope that I’m not being selfish I just want my wife of 35yrs to want me to show interest in me I try to be and look good for her but she doesn’t notice me in that way I feel very lonely and even depressed I m afraid that my marriage is at its end she even asked me if I would consider being with someone else! What kind of question is that to ask your husband? Please help and pray for us oh by the way my name is Danny
Danny.. dump her and move on.. if you truly need a woman in your life, be aware that the dating and courting ways of the past are gone. You can find someone more compatible with you on line.. There are secure and professional dating sites available. You do not have to live in hell with a woman who won’t meet you sexually. Life is too short to be allowing your heart to disintegrate into nothingness. Her vows included the phrase “to have and to HOLD till death do you part.. She broke her vow..
As I stated in my prior comments, all women do this to men. They snag us with the “p**** trap” and after the ring goes on and the kids enter the picture, we husbands get kicked to the curb, holding our “you know what” in our hands and looking stupid..
Put happiness back in your life and find someone you can live life with before you’re too old, frustrated and angry to think things out..
Move to Florida.. We have a tremendous No Fault Divorce system where you will not get financially beat up in court. Time in country only takes one year and you qualify.
It was my choice to have a sexless marriage! I did have sex a few times but that wasn’t for me, I saw no use for sex and I found it boring. Well the wife disagreed with me but that is her problem, if she didn’t like it she could leave and so far she hadn’t left yet. I don’t like gays or cheating individuals and I haven’t done either. I just prefer me and I’m first and foremost and I’m the important one no one else. Married 50 years and now have erectile dysfunction which I also enjoy . I would never change my life.
I cannot say how sad comments like Danny’s make me. His frustration is understandable, however, it seems that many men (or women) do not get the real implications of abuse. No amount of professional counceling can replace the role of a loving and patient spouse: that’s where you are supposed to have a safe place to learn to be open and vulnerable, to feel whole again.
It angers me that so many men just ignore their own importance in this, and push their wives to go to a professional, expecting her to ‘fix herself’. The Western mindset seems to love experts in many areas, instead of being that person themselves…
Even a professional councelor would often say that the most important healing factor after abuse is to have a loving partner, who you can trust to honor your boundaries. If that person only expects to be serviced sexually, showing no compassion to the suffering of their loved one, it’s not going to work. No amount of therapy can replace the support one needs from the loving relationship… and it’s not supposed to either.
Professionals cannot replace loving intimate relationships, no matter how highly recommended…
Renegade,
I’m quite baffled at your advice. In your post to Danny, you state ‘all women do this to men’, but then you encourage disappointed husbands to seek someone more compatible on-line.
If all women are the same – as you seem to believe -, what’s the point of going through the upheaval of divorce in the hopes of finding someone else?
Can I just ask renegade if he recommends that I move on too ?
Lost. My wife and I have been married for 12 years. We have two kids. 11 and 6. We used to have an OK sex life. Never great. Maybe once a week if I was lucky. Enough to get by. Over the last 5 years I’ve been lucky to even get it once every month or two. I’ve brought it up numerous times in the past about how we need to work on it, maybe see a doctor but she wants no part in those conversations. I’m a good man. Compliments, flowers, housework, kids. I help with it all. I don’t drink or use drugs. I work full time and have not let myself go. Our last sexual encounter was after a 4 month dry spell. And it was what I call “Corpse Sex”. Lays there like a sack of potatoes. Which is what it is every time we have sex for the last 2-3 years. I don’t even want that anymore. Our intimacy has been horrible for even longer. No back rubs, back scratches, foot rubs, holding hands, etc. I would do anything for her. I’m depressed. It’s gotten so bad that I’m resenting her. I’ve stopped being me. The loving guy that expresses his love. I just don’t do it anymore. I HATE being like this, it’s not me. I want to take care of my partner. I have a feeling this will never get better. Honestly the only reason I’m still here is because of the kids and that we don’t really argue. If we argued I would of been gone already. I feel myself being more flirty with some co-workers. I work with a lot of attractive women. We are a very diverse and large company. I’m not a GQ, but I’ve got some mojo. I’ve always kept in the friend zone with them but I’ve been finding it harder and harder to stay there. I miss the attention/intimacy and I’m tired of living with a glorified roommate. I’m lonely.
The most stupid article I’ve every read. Some comments has more sense.
Sex it’s not a switch. If there is no sex there is a resone. The problem could be not in the sex itself but in a daily life – no trust, no help, no bonding, rudeness,you don’t hear her/him and many other things… All situations are different. But guys all in your hands talk to your spouse.Try to be calm and understandable. Your partner definitely knows why he/she doesn’t want to have sex. Your job to help them open up. And don’t be pushy. Work on relationship together all the time. Internet has a lot of information just make sure you read professional psychological sites. God helps you
This article is concerning on many levels. As a Christian, the notion that “sex is honoring God” puts a shame/guilt trip on couples that is concerning. Does this mean that not having sex displeases God? Or, invites the devil into your bedroom? Forces people to rely on masturbation? Is a bad example for the kids? This is very religiously loaded material! People are different. Throwing out metrics regarding sex as judging one’s faith in, or commitment to God, is condemning. Further guilt trip coming… Sets the stage for ponogrophy, infidelity and isn’t being “dutiful to God?” How do counsellors come up with this relationship shaming material? Sex is an individual expression in marriage, not the basis of marriage. It only becomes a problem when it is a problem with the couple. God is honored by many behaviors. Fidelity, love, respect, keeping commitments, performing our tasks, integrity, helping each other, speaking well of each other and being the people He calls us to be. Sex is simply one component of marriage. It can be exalted to idolatry, when it becomes the focus, and when the message is mixed with what God approves of!
I haven’t been intimate with my husband for 8 years, I think. I’m not even sure anymore. A few years ago he told me he no longer wanted to be intimate in any way with me and I should find someone else who will give me the affection I need. His reasoning has always been that he has never wanted to be married, and he wants to stay alone. But it’s all baloney because I know he has been with other women. He wants to play the single guy now, and at this point I am done praying for our marriage. When I get my degree and a better job I am out of here.
To Paul, I feel for your wife. Your attitude is beyond selfish.
Wow! Reading all these comments seem all but too familiar. We’ve been married for 25 years and together for 30 yrs. I’ve had this conversation with her several times where it just becomes piity sex for the moment and then it goes back to 2-3 months before I mention it again. I don’t want pity sex. I want someone who wants it line I do. I want a connection, I need that connection. Without it I feel lonely, worhhtless, and in loved. It’s always me to make the suggestion or first move and when it does happen ” are you finished yet?, your taking long, you want me to switch positions so you can finish?” What a turn off! I thought that men peaked at 20 and women at 40. I’m must still be in my 20’s. I’m trying to hang in there but for how long. Is it normal for me to feel this way? Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Wow! Reading all these comments seem all but too familiar. We’ve been married for 25 years and together for 30 yrs. I’ve had this conversation with her several times where it just becomes pity sex for the moment and then it goes back to 2-3 months before I mention it again. I don’t want pity sex. I want someone who wants it like I do. I want a connection, I need that connection. Without it I feel lonely, worhhtless, and unloved. It’s always me to make the suggestion or first move and when it does happen ” are you finished yet?, your taking long, you want me to switch positions so you can finish?” What a turn off! I thought that men peaked at 20 and women at 40. I’m must still be in my 20’s. I’m trying to hang in there but for how long. Is it normal for me to feel this way? Am I wrong for feeling this way?
I have been married to my best friend for 27 years, I love him with all my heart but there is no intimacy of any kind unless I beg, I’m 50 he is 49, the kids are finally out of the house and doing well, then he takes a new job an hour away on a night shift working 12 hour shifts, some weeks 7 days a week. I know he is exhausted, but I hate coming home to an empty house every night after work. We went from being off 3 days together to no time together, I can’t remember the last time we were intimate of any kind, I’ve talked to him about it, but no changes. This should be the time of our lives, we had our kids early so we would still be young to enjoy ourselves. Maybe I should take the hint that he doesn’t want to be around me, but I have taken the time to focus on myself, I’ve lost 40 pounds, exercising just trying to feel good about myself. He always makes remarks that I am going to replace him because I am looking so different, but I just want him. Its too bad because I just turned 50 feel the best I have in years, and for what? I guess a lot of prayer and time will tell. I hate to be one of those people that leave a marriage for this reason , buts its pretty lonely, might as well be alone and have the love of my dogs.?
How long can a marriage go without sex?
All the way to the end, I suppose.
Wish this was only a sick joke, but all the comments in this site shows how being refused by your spouse is a painful reality for many. That makes me so sad!
Thank you Julie for your important ministry and for speaking up. God bless you and your husband and your marriage!
Hi Julie. Can you suggest a resource similar to your ministry but for men? I am a Christian husband married for over 25 years. My wife and I have sex less than once per year. I need help. Thanks.
@Mike (not real name) — Yes, there is a website by my pal Paul Byerly. You can find it here: http://www.the-generous-husband.com
It has been 12 years since my wife and I were intimate. We too said it just feels like we’re roommates. After our first child, she started making any excuse not to have sex. Before we got married she wanted to wait till we got married, she said I could have it anytime I want then. We’ll it went from once a week, to once a month, then two months and on and on to where we are now. I retired in june, she got overly pissed and said I didn’t discuss it with her, I told her for 4 months before I did it. While up north seeing my mother with terminal cancer, she called me and told me she wanted a divorce and that I can f*** anyone I want then, in those words. She never initiated sex one time in the last 12 years. I’m 62 now. What can I do now
One more thing. She put on 80 pounds so I would not want to have sex with her. After all the rejection, it worked.
I must add to my comment that we both go to counseling for her issue of being abbused as a child, sometimes I feel she doesn’t want it to work thow, I mean nothing changes , it’s going on 7 yrs of no intamacy I do try and be patient and try to look good for her you know all the things that men do to try and attract their mate but it doesn’t work, oh another thing I failed to mention is that she talks in her sleep, and she was saying ” ooh that feels soo good” it blew up my mind I don’t know what to think anymore I thought she was having issues with abbuse as a child, I’m sorry please don’t take me wrong I try my best to be a good husband I just want to be a fool anymore ?
Hi this is Danny I left a comment earlier, well I have a question for all the ladies out there please give me your opinion … Am I being a fool waiting for my wife of 36 years, the last 7 have been without intamacy I mean not even sitting next to me, she talks in her sleep and says erotic stuff while sleeping but I m pretty sure she’s not dreaming of me, I don’t want to be fooled no more I’ve been patient and went to counseling with her but no change, please ladies I need your opinion about this please help me ?
My husband has rarely been an affectionate person with me since we were married 10 years ago. He practiced birth control until the first time in January 2015. We were having sex maybe 3 times a year. I became pregnant and had a baby girl in October. He has not touched me since he inpregnated me. I don’t even mention how much it hurts me and makes me feel unloved because I told him with tears several times after we were married. He never consoled me and always treated me as if nothing was ever mentioned. He acted as if everything was just fine and happy go
lucky immediately after I would pour my heart out to him. He still does that to me when I tell him of anything that might be bothering me. He just ignores me.
Lonely, tired, resentful,depressed,no longer patient, I wish I had a friend to talk to about all this but I’m embarrassed to bring it up, we have been married for 36 yrs and I can count on two hands how many times she initiated intamacy, I’m not a bad man I’m not overweight I try to look good for her I’ve been told I’m good looking , please forgive me I’m not trying to sell myself just want you all to know that I am trying with her, and have been patient, I don’t think that she wants me I wish she would just say it, then I would go and let her go to find her happiness… I don’t know anymore I am just tired and starving for my wife’s affection ?
Maybe I should give Renegade some better attention… Thank you Renegade
The question I think that truly has to be asked is how long can spouses go without sex and then falling into temptation? Seriously ask yourselves this question! Because while our Heavenly Father does command us to stay faithful no matter the circumstance (even though both spouses are sinning in the fact of no sexual intimacy is bonding them together) we are human and so much time can pass before we fall into temptation of finding someone else who will share in that true physical closeness. If the answer is not long, then it may be time to start reevaluating your marriage to determine if divorce or any kind of necessary action needs to be taken so that one will not fall into temptation in the first place.
C: How about then those Christian singles, who are unable to find a spouse and still seek to maintain moral purity? What do you suggest for us? How does the divorce part work for us singles?
I know many godly singles who delight in living in sexual purity – while some married folks seem to think they have the excuse to go ahead and sin.. And it’s not that us singles are asexual, quite the opposite.
There is no excuse for anyone’s sin, no matter the circumstances…
It seems as though I started an argument with my silly issues I apologize to you all I was looking for advice and somewhere it went south, God Bless you all my brothers and sisters in Christ, I don’t think that I will be writing back anymore, oh and Thank you all for listening
NGal, I agree with your statement, however my comment was only directed towards those who were married not singles. However regarding those who are not married yet I have say what my dad always told me which was “tough luck, you just have to deal with not having sex until your married no matter how much your tempted to so. Simply because that’s what God commands of us because it’s the right thing to do.” And that statement always worked for me. Easier said than done, but it most certainly can be done. But regarding my last post it is the unfortunate truth that married men and women fall into temptation and sin within their marriage and it would be better to “split the railings” so to speak than fall into sin if one has such a strong urge to have an affair or not have sex at all within the marriage bed.
C: I know well it can be done – many of us singles live celibate lives, and do not even want to fool around. That’s why it surprises me (and grieves me) how some Christian married folks seem to fall into temptation so often – get mistresses/lovers and divorce/remarry, as if that’s no big deal…
There are no double standards in God’s eyes: marriage bed should be kept holy, and marriage should help people to grow in holiness, just as all stages of life should (and can).
Ngal… I see your point about the implications of abuse I just wish she would have told me all this before we got married instead she lied to me and told me she was a virgin, and it just snowballed from there on, I don’t want to sound inconsiderate I always assumed she didn’t lie to me and now I’m finding out I was wrong, I guess what I’m trying to say is it isn’t fair I’ve made almost all my choises with her in mind and now 36 years later I am not allowed to talk to her about sex or touch her she says it bothers her, and yes I even go to counciling with her but as I stated earlier it’s going on 7 years now without intamacy I’m starting to feel selfish for wanting to make love to my wife of 36 years cuz she makes me feel guilty whenever I bring it up… It’s hard to go on and pretend I’m not interested in sex with her she says that’s one thing she won’t do for me, it’s just NOT FAIR!!
HAI I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 11MONTHES & I HAVE BEE STARVED SEXUALLY FOR 6MONTHS STRAIGHT & THE ONLY TIME WE EVER HAVE SEX IS WHEN I COMPLAIN ABOUT IT, ITS LIKE SHE IS NOT INTERESTED AT ALL YET SHE IS ONLY 26, I THOUGHT YOUNG MARRIAGES SHOULD HAVE MORE LUSTING SEX BUT MY OWN IS JUST DRY ITS LIKE SHE IS NOT ATTRACTED TO ME AT ALL, SHOULD I CONSIDER DIVORCE?
To the husbands who want divorce because they are not getting what they want out of marriage: :”Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”…did Christ die for us so that He could get something out of it? Or because He loves us selflessly?
To Danny: you seem to have no idea what sexual abuse is about. At least your comments sound like it. How about learning a little something about abuse and its effects? Some women never heal from it. Mental illness is just as real a physical illness. If your wife had a serious accident and was physically unable to have sex then you probably wouldnt be acting the way you do know would you? Well mental illness can be just as serious and crippling (I know, I suffer from ptsd, depression and anxiety due to past abuse). Yes sex is important. For someone who is healthy. But if someone is not healthy it can be the most destructive thing ever. We should stop generalizing and trying to apply certain principles to everyone without descernment. That just causes more pain, more shame and more guilt.
To Amanda thank you for setting me strait, I will continue to pray for my marriage and I don’t pretend to know how my wife feels regarding the abuse when she was a child, she chooses not to share with me, so I can’t know, she has told me she even stopped praying and I told her please don’t stop I haven’t we go to counciling together but she’s at that point where the counseler only wants her there now, there’s nothing more I want than to have my wife want me even just to sit with me or put her head on my chest n talk, I don’t want to give the impression I’m giving up I was only asking for advise we have been married for 36 years and I’m still here with her and try to be there for her, but she’s told me that she doesn’t need me, that hurts, I just want to apologize if I gave you the wrong impression of me
@ Danny,
I’m new here but feel compelled to comment to you. You have been married 36 years and the intimacy stopped around 7 years ago. Have you thought that menopause could explain at least part of your wife’s feelings?
I’ve gone through menopause and my libido tanked, sex became painful, and the worst part is I developed an dislike of physical and/or sexual touch. It makes a wife feel completely inadequate.
There is a lot the medical community can offer to help ease some of that.
Just a thought.
There is a very good book that describes how the female brain and body change over the years. It’s call ‘The Female Brain’ by Louann Brizendine, MD
Perhaps it might enlighten you as to what is going on with your wife.
Good Luck
Professor:
I see my story in many of the ones I’ve read here on this site. The major difference is that I know that I was fraudulently misled in the beginning of my relationship. My wife lied about having a college degree, service in the military, and her stepfather’s service in the military as a way of luring me in. On the first night we were together after me having gone down on her it was her turn to reciprocate. Once there she held my penis in her hand and just looked at it. No sucking, no stroking -no nothing! About 6 months later she attempted to service me orally again after we both had been drinking -I did not become erect. She stopped, looked me in the eye and asked if I were gay. I am absolutely not gay. In spite of this horrific beginning we got married after she “accidentally” became pregnant. That was 11 years ago unfortunately for the past 5+ years we have not had sex or any form of intimacy. She suffers from Chron’s disease which keeps her constantly going to the toilet. In the past 5 years I have made many mistakes – texted her best friend with sexual innuendo, had a fling with a teacher, and have lied about some of my failings. My question is – what in the hell does she expect me to do when she will not be intimate with me? At our best, we had sex twice a month during the first 3 years of the marriage. I need it at least 2 or 3 times a week. She is and always has been a horrible lover! Her reasoning now is that she does not trust me yet she does trust me to pay all the bills (she does not work as she can’t keep a job), be a father to our two kids ( I am a fantastic father), provide for all her material needs. I married an uneducated, unsophisticated, sexually ignorant, chronically ill, low-class, argumentative, obstinate, rude, classless PRUDE! I’m 50 years old in great shape as I can still outrun my 8 year old son. I’ve coached little league sports for years and I’m a God-fearing man. I don’t believe I’m not without fault here as I shared that I have made mistakes. We’ve been to counseling several times only for her to say that she cannot get over the way that I’ve made her feel. There is never any acknowledgment from her for any wrong doing on her part. The problem continues to be me in how I made her feel in the beginning about her illness, and my transgressions. I am deeply depressed (I’ve never been depressed before), disappointed, feel betrayed, and stuck. I’m in HELL as I wake up each day alone as she has not slept in the same bed with me in years. I masturbate 3-4 times a week and feel nothing but hatred and resentment towards her. I cannot leave as I will not allow her to be the dominant force in my children’s lives and my job frowns highly upon divorce. I never thought this would be my life as I came from a wonderful family. I am very well educated, responsible, attentive, great listener, provider and sexually astute and intelligent. Is there any hope for me other than leaving her in 7 years once my kids turn 18?
Hurt and neglected
I’m also in the desart we’ve been married 36 years as of seven years ago we are sexless, she was abused as a child I wasn’t aware of that until she told me about six years into our marriage she and I have been doing counciling for years but she still having issues, you guys are for the most part right in that it makes me feel unwanted and its struggling for my mind not to wonder, I do love her, but she’s made it pretty clear that she will cook, clean, but that she’s NOT that girl! In other words she won’t be intamate with me, and it’s very lonely, frustrating,and a feeling of uselessness, I have been patient and try to understand what she’s going threw, but I wonder sometimes if things would have been different if she would’ve told me about the episode of her life before we were married instead of telling me she was a virgin, its to the point that I’m resentful
I am a man, I met my wife online. We were married in 94. My wife would brag to the women about how I cleaned the house, did laundry and dishes. We made love 2 – 4 times a week. In 99 she woke and punched me in the jaw, then apologized saying she thought I was her ex. A few months after that she said she had no desire for sex. After a month she started going to several Drs who said “Everyone has a dry spell” “Stress” “Lack of Romance” “Distractions in the room”
Then it became “Too high of expectations” and ” Menopause”. After 7 yrs, she had Breast Cancer. I stayed home to care for her for 2 years. Then she had her breast removed. After 2 yrs recovery she wanted us to try. We tried several times but she always had me stop. We decided to wait another yr. Again we waited another year. Tried 2x and that was it. About 2 yrs later she gave me a great hand job which I enjoyed, but with no results. So now I am a married man. Who for 17 years has not had sex or put my hands on a woman who wanted me. Divorce or an affair is not an option.
This is not like being homesick, or stood up. This is a pain all day everyday, this is like having a very bad toothache for 17 years.