marriage problems, orgasm, passion, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Imprisoned by Your Sexual Inhibitions? Want to Break Free?
Sep
I’ve been thinking about sexual inhibitions. And the problems they create in a marriage.
Maybe sexual inhibitions are creating problems in your marriage.
Christian wives (and some Christian husbands too) are more prone than anyone else to sexual inhibitions in the marriage bed. Oh the irony of this.
Of anyone, married Christians should feel the most confident about sexual passion and sexual expression within the exclusivity of marriage. That’s what was behind my post When We Did This in Bed, It Changed Everything.
But you know me. One post just isn’t going to be enough when it comes to wanting to free married couples from their sexual inhibitions.
A good friend and I were bantering back and forth via text when I proclaimed enthusiastically, “Lord help us all when I put ‘sexual cheerleader’ on my business card!” (There probably is some great branding I could build with a moniker like that, but I’ll meander down that road another day, another post).
No, I’m not going to be standing along the sidelines of anyone’s bed, but I do want to offer some solid encouragement on how to free yourself from your sexual inhibitions. Read on, brave sexual warrior, because this could be revolutionary for your marriage.
Here are 3 ideas worth embracing:
1. Sexual freedom, not sexual inhibition, is God’s vision within marriage.
What. In. The. World?!! Here’s what I believe. Some married Christians want to be more sexually uninhibited, but they are hung up on, “What would other people think if they saw me doing this? What would God think?!!”
Your stumbling block is that when you start visualizing yourself as a more sexually confident and passionate person, you sense this doesn’t align with who you are on Sunday morning or at the PTA meeting or in Bible study or in any other public place.
Well, guess what? The opposite is actually true. The misalignment occurs when you are sexually inhibited in your marriage, not the other way around. (Bear with me, because I know for some of you, your head is spinning right now).
If you proclaim God’s Word is true and you strive to live in accordance with that truth while your clothes are on, wouldn’t you want to do the same when your clothes are off in the most private and intimate moments of your marriage bed?
Intense physical, emotional and spiritual connection sexually has always been God’s vision for marriage. Think for a moment about sexual arousal. Who equipped our bodies to do that? God did.
Think about orgasm — not only what it feels like, but also the sheer mechanics of it all. Who equipped our bodies to do that? God did.
If you equate sexual enthusiasm with promiscuity, take a breath and consider what is skewed in that correlation. It’s not the sexual enthusiasm that is sinful. Context means everything. Sexual enthusiasm in marriage isn’t just hot. It’s holy.
2. Privacy means Godly freedom, not sinful secrecy.
For some of you, all of the above that I rattled off still isn’t enough to move you beyond the paralyzing thought, “What would others think if they saw me doing this?”
I’m not going to get sexually descriptive here, but suffice to say few of us would really struggle in coming up with all that is possible sexually in a marriage. What we can do with positions, our hands, our tongues, our bodies, our voice. What we can do with lighting or lingerie or repositioning furniture or pillows.
The possibilities are endless.
News flash. Your friends, kids and neighbors don’t know the specifics of what you’re doing sexually in your marriage. But too often we behave sexually as if they do. We start to set up all these arbitrary rules about what is “proper” sexually in a marriage — what is Christian.
We let what others would think if they saw us be the barometer of how sexually uninhibted we can be, rather than keeping God as our barometer.
And here’s even more irony. Not only do all those other people not know what you’re doing in your marriage bed, they also don’t care (because honestly, who has that kind of time?!) When was that last time you pondered, “Gee, I wonder if Mark really likes it when Sue pursues him sexually in their marriage and she is on top and has a mind-blowing orgasm?”
You don’t think those things about your friends, do you? I doubt they are thinking about what you’re doing sexually. Nobody is privy to what’s going on in your marriage bed and nobody really cares how you and your spouse enjoy sexual passion.
Well, nobody except God. And let’s remember, He’s a big fan of sexual freedom in the marriage bed. So if you are aiming to please, aim to please the one Whose opinion matters the most.
3. Uninhibited sexual pleasure makes the marriage better.
Sexual inhibition does not lend itself well to profound sexual oneness in a marriage. It just doesn’t. What does lend itself well to oneness? Sexual freedom and pleasure.
And lest you think I’m just talking about amazing orgasms, let’s circle back to God again and His creation of sex in the first place. I mean, I’m a fan of the orgasms (big fan!), but believe or not, I’m a bigger fan of how that intense pleasure and sexual closeness intimately unites me to my husband.
It’s a mystery, really.
Even God’s Word talks of the mystery going on there in a marriage. And what is the key thing that sets marriage apart biblically from any other human relationship we have? Sex!
It stands to reason that the more passionate and intentional we are about giving ourselves over to sexual arousal and pleasure — and encouraging our spouse to do the same — the stronger our marriage will be.
I’m not talking about sexual pleasure that comes at the expense of walking outside God’s exclusivity factor. Being uninhibited sexually doesn’t mean inviting third parties into your intimacy. It doesn’t mean adultery or porn. It doesn’t mean forcing your spouse sexually. Nope. Those are all cheap avenues that divide rather than unite a husband and wife.
True sexual freedom is a place of monumental safety. It’s where we feel the most secure to express ourselves sexually… to ask for what we need… to pursue each other. And to not be afraid of going sexually where our bodies and minds hunger to mutually go.
Are you imprisoned by your sexual inhibitions? Do you want to break free?
The freedom is yours for the taking. All you have to do is bravely step outside your comfort zone and walk in it. I don’t care if you’ve been married four months or four years or four decades. Now is a good time to start.
Will you?
For more reading, cruise through my list of past posts. as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
Copyright 2018, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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A needed corrective for many married Christians, Julie. Great post.
Thanks a lot, most of us Christians end up failing to live a Godly life because of sexual ignorance by taking it as something which OK S not Holy.
Now that were now aware, no more hindrances.
What does passionate look like? I was raised to be good and in control of thoughts, words and actions. Passion doesn’t naturally fit in with that.
Hopeful, willing, but confused.
I’m the same as hopeful. I was never raised with passion, and it does not fit me at all. I look at my more passionate friends and see nothing but constant struggle. The highs are super high and the lows are rock bottom. Life for them seems to be such a struggle. I honestly can not see the attraction to living a high passion life. This world needs less passion and drama, not more.
Not everybody wants to go through the super bad lows just to get 15 minutes of crazy high. More people need to embrace “good enough” and be content. Nobody is content anymore.
This is for Joe Oct. 6th
I appreciate your comment. I too see the manic depressive troubles people who live for passion seem to encounter. Yet, I don’t think they would have it any other way!?
I, for one, have NEVER felt a need for over the top passion, thrill, high, exciting, ….what ever you want to call it, experiences in life. I feel so much more in tune with life through introspection, peace, and going with the flow.
I’m not sure I’m imprisoned by inhibitions as much as I just don’t feel a need for passionate sexual expression.
I don’t feel my body and mind hungering to explore sexual freedom.
Is uninhibited sexual pleasure or passion truly an innate need that so many of us try to suppress? Or do we need to learn to express sexual passion and pleasure for a partner who needs that thrill to feel whole and complete?
“Good enough” sex sounds super arousing to me.
Great tips to use. Thanks a lot!
I appreciate this so much. Breaking free from inhibitions is what has helped me so much. As I’ve commented before, I adore more intense forms of sex with a much harder pace. Getting to that point – admitting it and then expressing it – was a step along the lines of what you are talking about here. And it led to true freedom to be me.
“2. Privacy means Godly freedom, not sinful secrecy”
I’d like to address the 2nd half of this point 1st. Many Christians have been raised to be neutral on sex, at best. At worst, other Christians feel sex is nothing but wrong or evil. Then those that want sex, expect sex, &/or want to enjoy sex as much as a night out with friends, a family dinner, or a good movie are left out in the cold. How dare they think God’s gift is supposed to be all that!
Thanks to blogs like this, among other people raising awareness, for helping with that. Because, many people see sex as sinful secrecy. Something associated with sin. Something meant to be kept away from human life like the plague. Because of personal condemnation or personal take of the scriptures Christians feel bad about sex whether they are embarrassed that others know or not. Many Christians have a past of promiscuity, abortion, homosexuality, adultery, or fornication. They have a hard time feeling forgiven & a lot of times the marriage sex is guilt by association. Then to make matters worse there seems to be no sympathy for them. The church has no empathy for the hurting. We would rather stand off & look down our noses. & people that encounter the church just keep on hurting.
My 2nd point about the first half. Is it all that bad that people know though? I do get your point. It is very valid. To those who find themselves embarrassed or frozen by other people knowing, I ask, what is the harm that people know? It is expected of marriages. If you are married, people presume you are having sex. Yes, there are people who can be vulgar or insensitive, but isn’t that every where for everything? We know people have sex. Especially, if there is a big pregnant belly involved. We also go potty but no one has a bad day about that. We also where flattering clothing. Modest or immodest we care whether we look good. So, why all the hubbub about sex? I think it’s a subconscious ploy. A fear tactic. For whatever reason, if we already don’t like sex, we throw that card out on the table whenever we want a certain outcome.
The Bible isn’t against painting pictures. Whether Adam “knew” Eve or Lots daughters became pregnant by their father, God doesn’t shy away from reality. Why do we? We get so afraid of sin & forget to fear God. We take ourselves too seriously. Like some people don’t like fart jokes or potty humor. By what scripture do we condemn that? There is none. Yet, we quote 1 & 2 Opinions as if God wrote our take as scripture. This is the attitude of a Pharisee. Jesus made a difference in a woman’s life by being common with her. Jesus spoke of the two becoming one. Be careful we don’t civilize ourselves out of caring. We might be closing doors meant to take the Gospel through.
I have to admit I have this problem. I hate when my husband asks me to go on top and be in charge. I’m extremely self conscious. Always been a reserved person. Afraid of looking stupid. Last night he wanted me to go on top and go fast and hard, and it’s just hard for me. Luckily he’s a sweet guy and talked about it with me. Then it just became too awkward and we stopped. He said maybe we’ll take a break and try again later. But of course it was getting late and we fell asleep. Now I’m all nervous for next time. It’s like this horrible pressure looming in front of me. Not because of him. I’m under pressure because of my own stupid self. Now it’s become “a thing.” It’s become a huge deal. Next time, when I go on top and attempt to be in charge, it’s going to seem forced. There will be no passion because I’ll be so nervous. I hope this will slowly end. We’ve only been married a year, so I guess we have plenty of time ahead. But I just feel terrible because I think my husband now thinks I don’t like sex. I do like it, but not when things like this arise.
This is to Joe 10/6/18 and Joan 10/7/18, maybe you’re not sexually expressive, and maybe you’re more subdued, and that’s fine. However, you both sound cold and stand offish. “Good enough” is what ultimately leads people to stray, especially if both partners aren’t on the same page sexually in the marriage. When there isn’t at the very least open and honest discussion about what one is or isn’t comfortable with sexually and to, at the very least, find a middle ground that you’re both good with, that’s when bad thoughts start to creep in, if, the other spuse wants to be more free sexually. A full 50+% of Christian marriages end in divorce and the majority of those are due to indiscretions from one party or the other, or both! Have either of you even ever had an orgasm? I mean a REAL mind blowing orgasm, I’m leaning towards no honestly. My point is for you two is this, we are wired to be sexual beings with our spouses, period. God never intended for sex to be just about procreation for humans, if he had, then he’d have made it a process more like other animals go through with a heat cycle. As to the “Rookie” from 11/22/18,
I’m presuming you chose that moniker due to a lack of ‘experience'( for which I am NOT putting you down, good for you for waiting!) As to your problem, it’ll come with time(being comfortable top/taking charge etc.), as your and your young husband continue to grow in one another and become more in tune with each others wants, needs and desires(yes Christian’s get to have sexual desires too) communicating with your husband is key. It needs to be frank and open, but most importantly honest. It is ok to have limits, but they have to be clear boundries, and it’s ok for those boundaries to change as you mature. But never stop having open and honest discussion about where you are personally in regards to sex and how you want it to be in your marriage.
Not cold, just reached a point where I don’t need or want drama. I desire balance. I don’t mean I want an equal amount of no drama time to balance out the drama time. Yes, equal weights balance the scale, but I try to eliminate the drama by replacing it with non-drama.
Passion equals drama, at least in today’s world. Everything and everybody is preaching you need passion for something or you are missing out on life. When you devote that much energy into something it becomes an idol, and since it’s not God, it will fall and then you are plunged into a deep pit of dispair. It’s not fashionable to be a middle of the road guy. I get that, but I think that at least for men this is becomming a growing trend. I just read that fertility rates among white people in America has now gone below the rate needed to keep the current white population count. Millennials have all but given up on sex. Maybe all these people have just grown callus to the constant bombardment of the message that is pushing the pursuit of passion on TV, movies, literature, etc of our modern world. Passion has become an idol that many chase after with every bit of energy they have. I see it in friends who have many divorces or affairs as they seek a bigger high. The current fling no longer gives them the high they need, so they cheat again. They are the same as a heroine addict. The pursuit of passion has destroyed them, just as heroine would have. The sad fact is movies and TV shows promote this. Even going back to older movies and books like The Bridges of Madison County. The message in that book and movie is NOT Biblical, but it is held up as a wonderful story and even her kids end up supporting the affair. Her husband was a good man, a hard worker, provided a good life, but that’s not good enough. That’s a bad message to teach our kids, but we do it every day.
My wife and me are out visiting with family. No we won’t have sex here because yes are inhibited to think thy would here us. But yet I can write freely about our sex life. We know a lot about each other. This we know we don’t let family friends know how inhibited we are sexually. Is that a weird habit. Or is there a reason.? Sex is the most tender act we do together. Heaven forbid some o e would laugh at a couple of pros s having sex. Daylight open air don’t care what a stranger needing some insight as to how to over come. We say wouldn’t it be amazing to share our secret how we worked this out story.